I don't understand. And I don't think I ever will. I walk out the door and it closes behind me. I try to open a window, and it's locked. I try to start a fire, but it's too windy. The carpets dirty, the counters crowded, and the doll house is thrown out the window. My favorite memory. My favorite blood streaked shirt. The loudest music, the brightest night, and the hottest day. The thickest air, and the least...pain. What about the men? The daughters? His love. Her sons. What if I...What if he...? Could I? Would he? Should I? No. No! Forgive him? Forgive me? What's to be forgiven?
I must admit she scared me when she took my hand. I didn't know what to expect, if there were any expectations to have. We ran. Ran and ran. She'd laugh and I'd worry about being scolded. I didn't know who she was, but her eyes were so dark and deep, I couldn't help but stare. Never stopped laughing, ever. Soon I was running past her, still holding her hand. She stopped to catch her breath, and I let go of her hand and kept running. Faster and faster.
Years passed. The crack of a show gun. SNAP! I shot up like the bullet that never left the gun. Blur of brown and gold; blur of purple and gold. Don't be scared, just run. Like
he's waiting at the end. Finally the finish line. I turn around; I was first I did a dance and the few in the stands cheered and my father went wild. My coach slapped my back and encouraged me to use the spikes next time. Oh I was fast; I never grew tired. I ran and ran. Recess, the hallway, the yard. I'd jog for fun or walk for miles with just my cassette player. Maybe bring home a stray kitten, as I had done twice already. Neglect my flute to swim, to run, to
play. Physical challenges were welcomed and friends always came second to my own demands. I was never weak. It was fun to beat up the boys; I didn't have time to be feminine. I was proud to wear that jersey, and was one of the few who weren't ashamed to be called a banana by other schools. Pinky swore with Ashley we'd continue into High school and break those records I came so close to breaking. This was my life. It was in my blood. My mom was a long distance runner and my dad was a sprinter, as I was then. I was known in the Track universe. When Freshmen year arrived and I hadn't shown up for the first day of Track practice, Coach Willy actually e-mailed April asking why he hadn't seen me there.
Where was I? What had happened to Melissa the Great? She died. She was gone. Freshman year I was that bubbly teenager; wearing pink and laughing a little too loud. Falling in love for the first time, and neglecting priorities. How many times did I cry at band camp? Too many. How many times did I get jealous? Too many. I developed fears and lost friends. Eight grade was gone. I couldn't remember the scent of the hot track, and marched with the band in the middle of its circle, instead of running endless laps around it. I saw the track runners passing my Auburn house; sometimes I'd join them. I didn't know if I would get in trouble for joining them. At competitions, it could end up being freshmen vs. senior. The age difference was scary, I could be smoked, and my self esteem and reputation crushed. So I disappeared in the background. I never talked to the coach's (until I had him for newspaper), and I never truly ran again. Sophomore and Junior year I went a few times around Auburn in the winter, with the winter track team. The best part of this team was that there was no competitions, so I could run and train without worries. The bad part was that it was cold, and the air was so thin, I couldn't breathe. My chest would heave with pain and that was the last time I ran in the winter. Once a year. I wasn't a runner anymore. I cried at the loss. There were now others better than me. So far ahead of me, there was no way I could ever be better than them now.
I had vowed to make my senior year of high school my best year ever. Chanielle and I had planned on going out for student counsel just so we could say we did. Then we were going to try out for volley ball and other sports, just to see if we could actually make it. We had planned to be BFF's. Then Chanielle got pregnant, dropped out of school, got her GED, and started college early. She had completed her first semester of college before I had even graduated high school. She moved and my senior year went down the tube. It seemed that I was in love with three guys at once. One who knew it, one who didn't, and one who didn't want to know. I broke up with Sam, dated Matt and hoped that that was the end of it. Nope. I didn't fall in love with Matt, then contemplated going back to Sam, when I was about to go through with that plan, suddenly it didn't feel right, so I led him on thinking I'd be able to figure it out in time. So of coarse I was the big bad wolf breaking his heart or whatever the fuck. It took me all year to figure out who I actually loved. Why it didn't feel right with the other two. And now, as it seems I'm writing a part of my auto-biography, eleven months after I finally rid of the people I wanted to, and being with the ones I want with me, my family says I have a glow and am more happier than I've been in a long while. It's true. I am happier. I have a guy who I love who loves me back and we want to spend our futures together. Unconditionally and irrevocably.
And now, as our love and relationship grows stronger and further, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Do what I think is right, or do what I have to in order to keep him. Is that love? What will he have to do if I can't keep his hormones in line? Why can't I ever get aroused like he does. Why haven't I EVER been that aroused? Sure I can reach that point but when it comes to actually doing something, I'd never actually do it. The first surge of pain and the entire arousal disappears and leaves for a VERY long time...it's still gone.
Now Taylor tears himself apart and judges too quickly. He's scaring me and I don't know what to do anymore. Well, I know what to do, but I'm not going to. This will take some thought. I refuse to break down in his arms. I am stronger than that. If he won't be my hero, I'll just have to save myself.
Wow, it's been a long time. Although I must confess that not much of anything has changed. I'm on vacation from Delta til' fall, Shaly moved to Tenn., I may have a job working up north all summer while Taylor works his all summer job down here. I still don't have my licence but am going to start practicing driving with my friend Kyle. And how well I do tomorrow will depict how soon I take the actual test, get my licence, get insurance and plates, and hit the road! Which I seriously can't wait for. The last couple of days I've needed to get stuff and have had to either walk the distance, or suffer without it. And now my Mom admits that she is refusing to help me. Some parental she is. She tells me to have my dad help then gets mad when he actually does help, then Senior gets mad that I didn't have to depend on him. Oh yeah, my dad got me a new bike for my birthday present (my birthday was in January). Ah well, better late than never. We're also working on my bedroom this week while I'm here. We parked my car out in the drive-way so I can thoroughly clean it tomorrow after and before driving with Kyle. My car is in serious need of a cleaning. My dad and Judy kicked both cats outside and they've been walking all over my car. It seriously looks like a herd of cats had a stampede and my car was the poor victim. Don't worry, I talked sweet to her and promised to clean her up. 
