Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man

What have I learned? I don't have to be the edgy, gritty girl hanging out with the biker guy on the corner of a bar crowded by loud music and cigarette smoke. I love my ripped jeans and chains but that's as far as it needs to go. I love black and that's as dark as it needs to be.

I can be the girl with nice things and a steady life. I can have a faithful man who loves me and works hard for me. To protect and care for me, to share the load. I can be the girl wearing the nice clothes and a dress - why not? I can live in a big city somewhere safe with a good government and a loving family. As a child I wanted to be a gargoyle, a creature of the night. But I could be a princess, as people I've never formally met before tell me I will become. Something shiny around my neck and sharing a bath with champagne and strawberries.

People come to America for the opportunities, but these days, the opportunities are 5,000 miles away. And that's where I'll be. So I can be free.

Piercing

A rush of emotion,
such as I've never felt before.
You flow through me
with such force,
I could bend.
I feel you in every movement,
every stroke,
every breeze.
I would give you the world,
everything,
whatever you please.

The End...

It was a fleeting moment of pure insanity.
A crazy falling sensation.
My heart stopped, my life flashed.
I was frozen, no breath to find
And yet,
It was the most alive I've ever felt.
Everything around me moved and I felt it.
Everything made a sound and I heard it.
They spoke to me - reached out to touch me.
Spinning, glistening colors.
I felt real,
Better than I ever had before.
Ever had before.
It was the end.
Loneliness,
The end of loneliness.
He would be with me forever.
Those perfect words echoing within me:
I love you

"It's so weird to see you alone without your buddy." My math teacher approached me in the hallway randomly while I was on break from my Policing class. I smiled and agreed. Yeah it was weird. "Is he still in school?" I explained that he wasn't but was working a lot. She smiled and said its good. "I know you two are  great friends, so I know it's hard."
"Well," I started, trying to find the best way to explain again. "We were together and he gave me a ring -" Her face lit up. "But then he got cold feet and left me." Her face fell. She went on to say that the future's never certain and can always change. I said "Better to be left now, than at the alter." She said she knew what I meant because she had been through a divorce herself. "I'm really proud of the way you're handling this," she said, quoting my mother. "You're still looking ahead its very mature." I smiled and said thank you. 

"It's really great that you're still smiling."

I knew I was better when I forgot to put the ring on. It was natural now. I woke up at 4am and like a reflex checked my phone to see that Alex had texted - a long paragraph - wishing me a new day. Signed "X", I'd smile and roll back over, wide awake. When I awoke for real I sat up, put on the zip up hoodie I keep by my bed, and made my way over to my clothes. I got dressed, put on jewelry, slipped on my Ugg boots and opened my door. Armani was at my heels at once, attacking and darting. That's when I noticed my bare left hand. It was valentines day and I hadn't put my ring on. I didn't forget to, as much as my mind finally decided I didn't need to. It was rightfully my ring in every way. Shane had said it meant nothing, there fore he meant nothing. So wearing it didn't mean I was still dedicated to him - even though it was sized for my ring finger. Still, I'd always think of him when I wore it, a small smile at the beauty of it. 

But not today. I didn't run back to put it on. I took it as a sign I didn't need to wear it and continued getting ready for school and work. Walking the halls at Delta I'd instinctively run my thumb over the inside of my fingers, checking for it and, of coarse, it not being there. While at work Dee noticed it was gone and I had to explain the whole situation, she smiled the whole time. "Well something must have happened, because every time I see you you're still smiling." Yes, I was happy. Was it really a loss if you were committed to a man that wasn't interested in commitment? Was it really a loss if you were lied to, played, and left forsaken? Dee continued to smile and laughed, tugging on one of my pig tails I had tied into buns. "Yeah," she said "Cassondra's from England, you know? She goes over often to see her family. You should talk to her."

Part Of Your World

I'm one happy kitten. :3

I don't know how it happened. There was nothing and then it was there. Shane left my heart completely broken and I was hurt the most I had been in a long time. Shaly always says not to worry because there's always someone new. And that's always been true for me. For every bad relationship there has always been someone come out of no where and I'd fall for them. My periods of being single would only last a few weeks each time. I'm trying to avoid that happening again.

Yes, I will be single for quite a while this time probably. But I'm trying to not get caught up, especially in a relationship that is far fetched. Far fetched? But I can't help it this time. I am really genuinely happy. I feel like screaming and I'm staring off into the distance smiling. How can one guy just come out of no where and do this for me? Do I do it for him? I'm guessing so, since he sends me messages frequently (always one saying good morning...or after noon as its usually that time where he is), and tells others about me. We've attempted to exchange numbers although internationally that's incredibly difficult. And my laptop is rumored to be on its way, that way we can skype (holy cow and talk for the first time!), and he wants to visit the U.S. and has asked how I'd respond if he ever sent me an invitation to the U.K. Just when I'm starting to think it's all in my head he says "Fingers crossed can take you out for a bite to eat/swanky meal one day". And then those butterflies return. Still just a crush people, don't get your panties all in a mix. If this were to develop into a relationship can you imagine what it'd be like? Alex lives in a different time zone. In a different country with different rules. If he were to move to America, like he said he had been thinking about for a while, and if we were together, we'd have to move to a large city. No complaints here, but what future do I have if I can't make it as a cop? I will but there's strict health rules to just get into the academy. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

He seems too good to be true. Just like a Tracy.

Thanks, God

I need a moment. It's all God's fault. He did this. What did he do? He's destroying my car and phone slowly, he's putting my job in jeopardy, He has destroyed the most perfect relationship I have yet to have known. He has made my life difficult ever since I was 16...

What else has he done?
He's given me a career protecting people. And a foreign man with blonde hair and an accent...

Oh yeah...

I'm 22, aren't I?

Thank you, God. Honestly.

The beginning of after

I feel lost. I'm breaking down. I feel like I'm dieing. There's no reason I should have to feel like this. I don't know how it happened and I'm crazy to find out the real reason why. Shane and had the perfect relationship just a few weeks ago. We could laugh and we're perfectly compatible. We just understand each other. Then he starts this hardcore jealousy thing. And out of all my past boyfriends who have had a reason to be jealous, I am more faithful to Shane than I have been to anyone. I've given him no reason to doubt me. Yet he refuses to let Taylor go. 

I've tried telling him there's nothing to worry about. But he refuses to listen. Its like he's stuck thinking I'm like his ex's who left him to be with their exs. But that's not an issue with me anyways. Then he's threatening to leave me and I feel damaged. I went our whole relationship without jealousy issues because I've trusted him wholly, and now I feel like that trust is gone. There's girls popping up that are more concerned for him than they have ever been, his boss included. He's been going to parties without me, when he normally always invited me. Even if it was only to show me off. He knows I hate his friends because they're not exactly friends (even though he swears they'd do anything for him, but where were they when he needed them?) and they sleep around and do drugs, why would he even wan to be around that.?

And then he adds that we haven't had sex yet!? How low can a guy get? I understand that's all they think about but then he goes on to say that I need to get rid of my rules (my morals) and just be physical with him. And that he doesn't want marriage or kids or commitment. What happened to my boyfriend? Who wanted 6 kids (5 boys to remake the Tracy's and a girl to spoil)? And a house in Arizona with a dog and cats and all kinds of happiness? It's gone. I'll do what I have to to keep him. But will the trust ever come back? Where have the Unicorns gone?