Just a puff of smoke, in my memory

The day itself is crisp in my memory. I can close my eyes and feel the sun, the pavement, taste the chocolate...But the aftermath, I cannot remember no matter how hard I try. The next day, the next week, month, year...blank. Gone. Forgotten. It was like a part of me died with Smokie. I can remember right before Smokie was shot. I was sitting in the basement with Cody, playing N64, to get "my mind off things"; looking up to the window suddenly...

Arguments. Something I can actually remember. I didn't cry when people were around, there was always the backyard behind the pool, up in the maple tree, corn field, my bedroom. I was alone in every sense of the word. Arguments of whether or not Smokie would have made it, arguments of whose fault it was, arguments of whether or not to get a new cat to replace my replacement cat. The arguments lasted only a minute each, at most. The cat had been dying, period. There had been no hope to save her. According to April, Smokie had been dragging her hind legs so her back was broken, she was dying. According to Jr., Smokie had been badly bleeding, she was dying. According to Senior, it wasn't just a scratch and had to be put out of her misery, she was dying. According to Nick, Smokie didn't die fast, like Senior had planned, and it was painful, she let out a loud cry after the first shot, she was dead.

I had to accept it, but even now, nearly nine years later, I still think she would have made it. She just needed some help. Haily of course got off scott-free. Just was tackled and kicked a few times by April and JR. Right after April and I saw Haily dive for Smokie, I screamed then April, Jr., and I all ran at them. It was too late for Smokie, who had only raised her fur and hissed. April and JR., chased down Haily and tackled her, I stopped in front of Smokie and, panicking, reached down to grab her, she hissed at me and laid down, I didn't stop though. I scooped her up and carried her into the back yard. I sat on the back steps with her in my arms. She no longer tried to escape me, realizing Haily was gone. And she just laid in my arms, purring and looking up at me. She didn't appear to be in any kind of pain, even though the sweater tied around my waist soon became dotted with her blood that seemed to be coming from a scratch on her stomach. I stood up wit her and that's when Nick saw her in my arms. I was crying. He looked very angry and yelled "Put her down, NOW!" He had scared me and I literally dropped her, and put my hands above my head. She managed to land on her feet, of coarse, and sorta swaggered away. I was in hysteria and I knew I had to do something. I had to get Senior. I ran in the house, looked for him, and after discovering he was sleeping, stood outside my parents door. My mom was at work, as always, she was the only one with a job even back then. I was actually scared to walk in the bedroom, I wasn't allowed no matter what. It didn't help that I genuinely hated the man I had to get help from. But I knew Smokie was hurt and I needed him to do something. Nobody outside knew what to do, and we needed an adult. I walked into the room, faced my fears (which made me cry worse), and woke up senior. Senior yelled at me for not explaining the situation well enough, and for waking him up for such a stupid reason. He came outside, wanted to see the cat. But never really looked for her. He said he would need to put her out of her misery, without even an assessment of the situation. She was dying.

I begged to be able to talk to my mom about the situation. Senior said fine, and even though he wouldn't admit or say it, I'm pretty sure he wanted to talk to mom about it to, he needed to know what he had to do. My mom, at the time, was working a part time job at 7-11 in Auburn, we drove down there and stood behind the counter telling her the situation. That was the first time I have ever cried like that in public. My mom said "Honey, you don't know, Smokie could be dead as we speak." Not the most comforting words in the world. That was Seniors non-verbal permission to slay the cat. Mom wouldn't know the difference. I didn't want to leave, but another part of me wanted to go ASAP to make sure that my Smokie wasn't dead, like my oh so helpful mother suggested. I got home, got a glimpse of Smokie, but my step father wouldn't allow me to go to her. April told me that Smokie had been placed on a piece of plywood by the garage, but since it was so hot out, she "crawled" under the nearest trailer. Senior had temporarily convinced me that Smokie would have to be put out of her misery, and if I loved her, I would let him. I was instructed to go in the house and play N64 with Cody to get my mind off things. So here we are again, at the beginning of this blog. Glancing up to the window, seeing Senior with his .22.

"It was like a crime to even mention her name"

Nick didn't tell me it had pained Smokie until a few days later. And that's it, that's all I remember. So much as saying her name, would start arguments, awkward silences, eyes would roll, and in the distance a dog would bark...

Sneak peak

I did a good job putting up the garland. Yes, yes you did. It's really secure, not going anywhere. Not this winter, not ever. I'll do just as good when I put the lights up. It'll be a treat to everyone who sees.

What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you. Then how come everything I do isn't good enough? It's them that aren't good enough for you. That's what you've always said, always made me be alone...I've never made you be alone, just made you open your eyes. Then how come I'm always lonely? You have me. I'm alone. You're not alone. Does he even appreciate me? Ofcoarse he does, he loves you. I know. But he's always hungry for more. It's a guy thing. They all wanted more. Then how come I kept going back? You're mother said she wouldn't love you anymore if you weren't straight. But I am. We know that. I hate when people decide how I feel. Saying I don't like them in any certain way or form. How come whatever I do, it isn't enough? Hormones, girl, he's new to them. They're not hard to ignore. Not as strong as you. Never had the fears you do. Never learned like you did. I regret being the way I am. Don't say that, you'll appreciate being able to share your experiences with your daughter. It'll make her stronger, she'll appreciate being able to talk to you about these touchy topics. I need to be able to talk to my mother. I can't even talk to my sister about sex anymore. She's married. Do you remember the last time I asked her about sex? Haha, yes, last summer. She got out her grey's anatomy book. I wasn't expecting that either! Too much information! Yet it was just what you needed. It wasn't enough though. I needed to know more. Sad, strange, little man...

We were barely Freshmen

Tomorrow night Shannon, Taylor and I are going to see Twilight. It's great that Shaly "spots" me like she does. She probably knows I always pay back with more than just money. I just hope that her trip to Tennessee goes as well as she plans on it going. She's visiting a friend that I personally hate and despise. But anyways, this oppertunity will mean that Taylor can finally meet my bestie and she can finally have a reason to make fun of him. (lol, kidding!). Plus, now Chelsea might be coming to!

I recieved a coupon for a free hair cut at the Bay shire beauty salon, so hit the deck. This means I can't chose something too complicated because God knows what I'll walk out with. Today my dad drops off paper work f0r food stamps and if I don't get them, I'll have to drop kick some bitches. Gotta go now, got distracted by Chelsea and now my class starts soon. This weekend, since Taylor can't come over, will be dedicate to my math homework.

Thunder in Paradise

Well it's sad to say, sorta, that my written journal is going to be seeing a lot of action. Mostly because every time I write here about how I really feel, like I was supposed to, I get scolded or seem to mislead. So, don't fret if I don't write a lot. School has me wanting to hang myself, not actually, there are cooler ways to die.



I had a dream a few nights ago that bothered me to the point where I thought about it all the time. I almost told Taylor about it, but we all know how I get distracted with other topics. Plus I'm not entirely sure how he would have taken it. But, alas, I wrote about it in my journal and it has temporarily stopped haunting me. Holidays are coming up and I have no money and I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to make it work. Now I don't know what to write about because I've already gotten it all out of my system.


Nicks been a jackass lately, saying that Taylor doesn't love me, and no matter what I say, it always somehow starts an argument, he even called me a dumbass the other morning because I wanted to let the car defrost first; then he proceeded to complain that there was frost everywhere, in the car even. Aprils due soon, doesn't seem affected by it though. My mother came home yesterday from work and I glomped her. She was surprised I was even downstairs. I said I was lonely. We hanged out for a long time in the kitchen playing around with her wreaths and talking about her work. I told her that I was recently told by Sam that I qualify for food stamps. Hot damn. Food for me! He's been getting them which means I can. He tried to help me get on WIC (for the baby) I told him to just concentrate on the food stamps and I'll worry about the baby programs. He seems determined to help out. Speaking of helping out, I need to find a job, or else depend on my reletives to actually listen and give me money for the holidays. Doubt it though, the Larkin side is doing this thing that they started where nobody gives presents at the family party on Christmas Eve, because they never know if they'll get good things or not. Well, too bad for them, we're still going to do the traditional stuff and pass gifts, if they don't like it, they can go become Buddists, or how ever it goes. But anyways, Bre, the Demon Spawn, came over because she needed help with her English homework. I helped her rather easily. Her mom was watching suggested I become an english teacher, psh, I said, there's not enough money in that field to keep my attention for long...whoa, I just had Deja-vu...I've written about this somewhere else...

Blood, sweat, and my mothers tears

On my psychology sex survey thing there was a true and false statement about what percent of women are forced to do something sexual at some point in their life. I thought the percent was way too low, so I marked it false. I was right. There was a survey that showed that over 30% of women are forced to do something sexual by a man, or had admitted to being raped. With psychology surveys there is always the factor that the person taking the survey isn't being honest, fearing that their significant other, parents, or friends would find out, even if it is confidential. I knew this best of all, especially when my teacher, Dr.Dave, would ask a question and I wouldn't raise my hand, even if I did fit the criteria. I would just pass a note to Ben saying I did, he usually knew already though. A girl raised her hand and Dr. Dave called on her. She said that sometimes girls are raped or sexually harassed but don't say anything due to the fear of what others would think. He agreed with her saying, "The female may fear what her family would think, how her friends would take it..." he went on. I had thought of that before, in fact there was a time when I thought I was going to have no choice but to tell my mother that I had been raped, in order to protect Taylor. I remember calling up Nathan and crying to him on the phone about it. Then wondering to myself why I hadn't called Shannon or Kyle or Kristen. Why I kept them in the dark all summer about things that were going on in my life. "Hows it going, Melissa?" ...."Oh I'm doing great! Get to see Taylor tonight,"...."Good to hear you're having a good time."

My mom's so proud of the fact that I'm a virgin. Every time a conflict would come up with Taylor's parents she would always say "Not my daughter! She's still a virgin! A good child! We'll take the test and prove it!" Then in the drive way with Matthew that last night together, "Well Matthew, I can tell she's hurt. You're all grown up, she hasn't even started. You've done things that she hasn't yet, and I don't mean buying a house or a car. But college and sex, you're probably scaring her...". When we were alone she would hint to me that she didn't think Matthew was good enough because he was older, I called his daughter a receipt. I started to get the frame of mind, because it was true, that I didn't think he was worthy because he wasn't a virgin, because he had sex before and accidently had a daughter, then told me that at the time they had sex, he didn't even love her! Infact, he was about to break up with her when she told him she was pregnant! That was a red flag for me. I didn't want to get involved with someone who had intercourse with someone he didn't even love, what if he tried that with me and didn't love me? I hated the thought and that was when our relationship really went down the steep side of the hill. But here's the ironic thing: after breaking up with Samuel, I swore to myself that I wouldn't date a virgin because, let's face the facts here kitties, it hurts when the guy doesn't know what he's doing, let alone doesn't listen. Now I'm dating Taylor, whom I presume to be a virgin, because he doesn't lie to me, another nice quality. And I'm extremely happy with him. I like how we don't have to do something physical to have a good time and if my parents never leave, we can still cuddle and kiss infront of them because, hey, they like him. The other night my mom said that she likes to see me happy, but I quickly learned that she doesn't like to talk about me dating. Don't ask me why. I dunno, my parents don't really know Taylor, but they still like him and give us their blessings, for now at least. Hopefully that doesn't change, but they are rather A.D.D.

I love him though, and that's all that will ever matter.

Paige Lynn Kasper

For the first time in history, my mother actually complained about her husband yesterday. She identified that when Senior gets sick, the world has to stop revolving for him until he gets better, and only if he gets better. "When I was on kemo I sat in the doctors office alone, I drove myself, I worked two jobs..." The complaints rolled on and on. "Suddenly he gets sick and, once again, I have to go out and get his lazy butt medicine..." I nodded my head rubbing on free samples of lotion into my hands. It was up to me to find humor relief in the situation. We looked at Christmas decor and I tried to convince her to let me take the written portion of my drivers test, a valid permit would be nice. "Don't you just love being seen in public with me?" I asked, a nearby stranger laughed with my mom. At Kroger's, my new hang out joint, we returned bottles and such. I went to get some hand sanitizer and when I discovered it was empty, went on about how the world was coming to an end. Nothing new there.

Taylor and I are having a baby girl and her name shall be Paige Lynn, as you could get from the title of this post. I thought about that while my m0ther was going on about my step dad, complaining. I don't want that when I get married in the future. It really should be a two way street. I don't want my life being as hard as my mothers. My step father says that Taylor plans on marrying me. Surprise surprise, he thought I didn't know. I give off that marriage vibe. My step dad said that if I do take the truck and I do happen to get into an accident, my fault or not, he's telling the authorities that I took the truck without asking because he won't grow a pair and just stand by his original decision. So he would get me in trouble just because he can't grow a back bone.

Today was a Monday in my opinion. As soon as I got home from Delta, I called my dad and had him pick me up, I had to get out of there. It was bad enough I couldn't just scream to get my frustrations out. Ready? Here I go. I'm not sure if I wrote it in here or not, but the reason I couldn't go golfing with my older friends was because Matthew wasn't emotionally stable enough to handle it. So, I asked Nick if he could go to Matthew and tell him that if taking my ring and necklace back would make everything okay again, since my ring alone was more than the phone bill I so proudly racked up. Matthew said no, they were a gift and he doesn't take gifts back. Well, it took me all day to figure out just what that meant. Literally, Nick and I were on our way home from Delta (after the first time his newish car broke down and senior came to the rescue) and I said "wait a minute, if Matt doesn't take gifts back because they were gifts, then why did he take my car away? That was a graduation gift and that's more important than a birthday gift." Nick got all pissy saying he didn't care and he wasn't passing on any more messages; I told him to shut up, that I didn't want him to pass on any messages at all. I was just saying. I was pissed off about that for the rest of the day. What a fucking hypocrite! He says he doesn't take gifts back but the bastard takes my fucking car away! I want to see him dead in all reality. Hm, what a terrible thing to say. Too bad I really do. I was right when I called him Senior jr. Fucking cunt face.

Did you see what I Saw?

I had the enlightenment of seeing a movie for free yesterday (the best kind), and I chose to see Saw V, now don't turn your eyes away, I'm not going to give anything away, sorry no spoilers. I just wanted to say that the movie was incredible! Simply the best Saw movie created, yet. Yet another great ending that had my heart rate so fast I could have sworn my chest was going to explode. I almost cried! I must say though, even with as much of an Edgar Allen Poe fan girl I am, the sight of his creation in action, was almost too much for me to bare, yet I couldn't tear my eyes away. This Saw movie was actually scary for once. The others are more of a suspence, but this one had people in the audience, including yours truely, screaming at certain points. Simply wonderful. I saw a trailer for Twilight and couldn't help but be reminded of Taylor and I as I watched the main characters interact, and explain the situation they're in. Shannon hasn't allowed me the pleasure of reading her books yet, so the movies will have to do.

Another plus was the new theater at the mall. Completly re-done and resembles the Midland Theater, it's very open and looks fabulous. Before my movie I took a gander around the mall, checked out the shoes at Target, and of coarse all the really cool shoes are in the kid section and sponsered by Hannah Montanta. I'm so jealous, why can't they have that in my size? I found the type of boots I want, felt them a little, and then left. As I was leaving Target, I saw Nick in Media replay, so I decided to see what he was up to. I almost caved and bought a video game, but alas, I did not. Nick was applying for a job, monkey see monkey do, I did also. Then went and used a gift certificate to get popcorn and a pop. I've never seen the theater that croweded before, must be because they had free movies for the grand opening. Nice. My theater wasn't crowded at all, I was glad I chose a flick that had already been out for a while. When I got out of the theater, Breanne (the demon spawn) was there waiting, she got a running start and hugged me. We left, the end.

This morning, I thought my throat was on fire. It was crazy dry and hurt like sin. No matter how much I drank, or what I drank, helped. I couldn't taste water, and yes water has a taste, Coffee tasted sour, and pepsi tasted flat. Well folks, death is coming for me...I'll be sure to watch out for speeding minivans coming in my direction.

Election Day!

Today's the day us people 18 and older get together and do what our founding fathers intended us to do: battle to the death over the selected Senators! (I'm wearing chain mail just in case...did I spell that right?) After school Nick and I are walking over to the fire station to cast our votes. No big deal, I'm super excited though. Maybe I'll get to see Mrs. Fischer! She was my old government teacher and I loved her to death, not to mention I was her favorite. (Probably the only reason I passed that class!)



Lately Taylor's on this binge where I'm going to leave him for my old friend, Jamie. It offends me that he would just think I would get up and leave him. Seriously, I don't make plans regarding the future and then just throw them away. Remember in the summer when I said that I didn't want to get caught up, in fear that I would be let down again? Well, I'm pretty damn excited for our future, so obviously you did something to the point where I trust that I will be with you for a long time, maybe forever? There's just something about Taylor that feels solid, even though he fears that he can't take care of me. Bullock. Just by being there for me he is taking care of me.


I seriously wanted to shoot myself in the head during Psy class yesterday. We talked about sex, and of coarse the teacher was excited and eager to get started. First he gave us a list of true and false questions regarding mostly what percent of gender did what and whether or not they liked it. (Can you believe that there are people in America that are 97 years old and still sexually active!? I want to be dead by then!) Some of the answers just had to be false, how could they not be? Ben saw what I was marking, and immediately took the initiative of saying I was wrong, he was a guy so he would know. I looked at him kinda angrily, I wasn't the most experienced which made it the most awkward, everyone around me was saying their opinions on things, whether they liked it or not. Hell, I had to go by my morals. The question was basically whether or not guys liked to perform oral sex more than women. ( The stats came to, yes, men did.) That's stupid, why would they? I immediately thought of Taylor but had to shake that out of my head, I hurt enough already due to other discussions. Ben said that it was true. "I go through every letter of the alphabet in cursive, and when I find her favorite letter, I repeat it". He smiled dumbly at me, I wanted to slaughter him right then and there. How dare he talk about such things in front of me, in public. Then Taylor was pushing the subject of it later on when I let it slip. I'm not going to go on about why something was awkward if it was awkward. Sheesh.



To make things more interesting, Taylor's little brother, Cameron, knows about my supposed "pregnancy". Hm. That can be disastorous. I told Taylor to tell Cam that it was simply a rumor, but I'm naturally in the dark because I never know what's going on in that house until it comes back bite me. Not very fair on my end. Taylor's accused of just coming over to get laid, which hasn't happened. Who accused him? None other than Lisa (Shannon will be familiar with this name) the 30 some year old who lives with them. Taylor says she doesn't move out because of health problems and his mother likes her. Well, there's homes for people like that, and hey, they can still be friends. She shouldn't be harping on him when she can't even take care of herself. Get life alert for hell sakes.



I'm decided to write about everything in one blog post instead of my average two a day. Here goes more ranting since I don't like to talk about such things in person. On to a topic that I have tried and tried to keep out of my written journal; since I don't want to taint the opinion of Taylor to my future readers. A daughter, best friend, or my own husband perhaps. It shall commence here. Taylor making up reasons to beat the crap out of Felicias ex. You know those myspace bulletin questions that ask: "Does it upset you if people hate you for no reason?", if I recall correctly, he always said that it never bugged him. Hell, it doesn't bug me either. But now Taylor says he plans on hunting down her ex and beating him up simply because the ex doesn't like how Taylor supposedly looks at Felicia. Now, I might be going crazy, but I remember telling Taylor that I didn't like how he interacted with her either. It's not his responsibility to take care of her, she has a love interest now, congrats new love interest you're the proud new owner of a problem causer! Unnecessary stress, I've had enough of it. Now he's choosing to get caught up in things that I specifically told him he was going to get caught up in. The flute section is not his responsibility to protect, he has mistaken what I've been telling him for the past year, I meant he needs to stay in the flute section because he is the only male. It's his job to make flutes look like an equal opportunity employer. There's no reason to quit just because you're male, that's weakness.

Tower of Anubis

Kyles party went well, I got to hang out with Shannon, Austin, meet Molly and meet Kaleb (kyles love interest). Although the more I hung out with Kaleb, the more and more I got the feeling that he wasn't gay. In fact, I don't think there is a fiber of gay on him. Kyle asked me what I thought of him later on, and I told the truth, I just don't think he's gay. Kyle acted like he figured the same thing. Sometimes I get this desperate vibe from kyle. Very similar to the desperate vibe I get from Kristen. He'll say any guy that walks by is hott, so will Kristen. Kristen gets upset if a guy she just met "stands her up", she also calls every guy that walks by hott. It's actually the most annoying thing on this planet.

Courtney never showed up the party, no matter how many times we called her. Kyle, Shaly, and I got in our costumes and left to get the pizzas, then spent nearly 15 minutes waiting around in a bar for them to finish cooking. We got them, and left, Kyle was afraid he was going to be late for his own party, but everyone knows that no one shows up to a party at the scheduled start time, it's an unwritten rule. We laughed our asses off when little trick or treaters would come up to kyles house and his wiener dog, Flash, would run up to the door barking, and the little kids would run away screaming. When Austin arrived wearing his footy pajamas, and Molly got on her Pirate wench costume (really cute in my opinion), we ate pizza and were merry. Kaleb arrived and Kyle decided to start to light the fire. Of coarse he didn't know how so he told us that we couldn't have our bon fire. Hells no. I marched outside and started a bon fire on my own! You best believe my pyro-ness was in full swing, I had my arm in that grass fire just to make sure it stayed going, and it did, and it was great. After the fire ran out of fuel, we set off mini fireworks, it was fun to dodge the sparks, which stayed lit until they hit the ground. Then we went inside and played the murder mystery game that Kyle and I had been working on for the past month. Austin figured out everything way too easily, then I was murdered, and he figured it out right away. Too easy. Not to mention Austin was extremely clingy to me, 10x more than I thought he would be. We were walking back from the bon fire and he picked me up, then later he licked me for crying out loud! Later on that night when we were laying in our sleeping bags, Shaly asleep on the couch and Kyle picking up around the kitchen, Austin told me I was one of his best friends. Pretty sad, I said I was going to tell Jens, he laughed.

One by one, we had all slipped out of our costumes for more comfortable clothing. At the end, it was just Austin and I who were still in costume. Really I was just thrilled with wearing a mini skirt, so I milked it for all it was worth. Kaleb left, Molly went to sleep in the spare bedroom, Shaly fell asleep on the couch, then it was just Kyle, Austin and I hanging out on the floor. Flash kept crawling down my sleeping bag and every time I went to move, he'd growl, so I was held prisoner in my own sleeping quarters. Eventually, Kyle retreated to his own bedroom, which left Austin and I on the floor. I was slipping in and out of consciousness and Austin was talking up a storm. I'd always come to right when he'd finish a sentence or thought, so I'd just go "uh huh". When I came to again, he had turned and was looking at me, I asked what and he said goodnight. I said night.

I slept like a rock all night, I woke up when Kyle turned on the tv and put I Love Lucy on. Austin woke up, whom woke up shannon, whom woke up me (I was a little upset that Kyle had turned on the tv anyways), and I lectured Kyle on why nobody should ever eat pizza for breakfast, gross. Lunch maybe, but who would want all that grease and stuff that early? Kristen called, while I was abusing the priviledge of a sleeping bag, so I put her on speaker so that everyone could talk to her, call her a bitch, and etc. typical stuff for my friends to do. I was the first to get dressed, Shannon didn't get dressed at all, just left in her pj's. Austin left not too much later, then after a long while, Kyle took Shannon and I home.

Overall, the party was really good. It was nice to get to meet new people and just be crazy. DDR was alot of fun, same goes for The Price is Right game, and the murder mystery. We had fun with wigs the day before the party, and stayed up until 3am, and shannon until 5am because of asthma difficulties that were solved, so no worries. When I got home today, I bugged my mom for a little bit, bugged my younger brother a little saying "Now we can play The Tempest toghether!" he didn't take me up on my oppertunity though. I couldn't find my music and then I lost my cell phone and used my mothers to find it. I left myself a voice mail that said "Melissa, this is Melissa, if you don't call me back and tell me where you are, you are going to be in BIG trouble young lady!". It was amusing, I"m sure my mother thought I was on drugs. Sorry, ma, just high on life.

I heard the boys yell that someone was here, and I knew that my mom was busy with her plants, so I went to the door to investigate. Well well well, guess who? Matthew. He was dropping off Nick and I pulled out an invisible shot gun and blew his ass to hell and back. A little while later, I heard Matthews voice in the house, and I wanted to upset him. So, I went to the bottom of the stairs (matt was in nicks room) and I yelled for the boys to come down and do their chores, then I proceeded to have a convo with them right outside nicks room. Very convenient for me. I knew that just hearing my voice would upset him. lo and behold a few moments later, he left, stopped to investigate Nicks new car, then nodded his head in approval. The nod meant that he knew he was being watched. My mom called me to help with her plants. Mom asked me what I thought of the color of a plant she was holding, I just said "nice", she said "oh you didn't even look," she looked out the window "you're too busy scowling at Matthew." True dat, home dogg. I had debated waiting for him infront of his car, telling him my proposition about the ring he had given me. But something told me not to. I wasn't in the mood for his possible moodiness. He's such a girl.

I helped to make dinner, ate too fast and upset my stomach. I laid down on my bed and fell into a dead sleep until 6pm when my dad came to pick me up. I left with him, went to the mall, tried on a winter jacket, and decided that was the one I wanted. Can you believe that I wear an XL in womens? Maybe midget women. Ah well. Life goes on.

At least I'll get to see Taylor tomarrow, I've missed him so much, even though I got to see him a few days ago. That's what happens when I go to parties without him. My mom was surprised that Taylor hadn't gone to Kyle's party, but I reminded her who his parents were. She said that it wasn't that big of a deal. That his parents need to let up a little. She tries her hardest so that I can see him more often, she can tell that he makes me happy, and wants me to say that way.