New Years Resolutions

This is my 08-09 post :3


Well folks, this is it, the end of the year we matriculated! In a little over 24 hours time, our high school woes will be forever buried. Forever gone behind us...and this time...it'll stay down. (we have diplomas to prove it!). I'll make this short and to the point, mostly because I have better things to do. Better WRITTEN things to do...I haven't figured it out yet, as normal, but I will come up with a New Years Resolution and actually stick to it. Usually I don't because I forget. But not this year! (It'll probably be to not become pregnant!) In all seriousness, maybe I'll grow up...but then where's the fun in that?!

A little off topic...Matthew (my ex...remember?) actually responded to my message on myspace asking for my Prom and graduation pics and videos. He told me (with bad grammar, spelling and capitalization...a give-a-way sign that he wasn't happy to hear from me) that he had given Nick 2 discs a week or so ago with all that on there. I turned in my seat to glare at Nick...that's when he said that he tried to give them to me, but simply forgot. Well, at least now I have them. God knows what Matthew had done to them. Matthew said that he found them while throwing "shit" out. I replied with "Hm, I never threw anything away, but okay." I thanked him for the discs and asked if he could give back my stained glass I made him and NOT to throw it away. (I made up a lie that I need the thing for my college arts class). Which could be true, if I had a college arts class. Well, chilin's, we'll see how this goes. I'll keep you updated, once I get updated. As for me, I hope those discs actually work on nicks little portable DVD player. Hell, DVDs don't even work on it anymore. Only my MP3 disc does and now that I have my stereo working, there's no need for it. Love you all, happy new year!

I'll live in a house the color of sand...

With big open rooms that are still cozy. Warm colors, and a big mantle fireplace with a mirror above it, similar to my mothers. Two stories and a worthy basement. A two car garage and a big back yard. An open staircase and nice wood floors. Big windows that look out to the back yard and a nice sliding glass door. Long flowing white curtains that dance in the breeze and a big window that opens in the bedroom. For that a Queen size pillow top mattress bed with a big wooden headboard. And in my bed, I want Taylor. I choose him above all others, for longer than forever. I know he knows it, and feels it. He's the one I want to risk it all with. I've learned to not be an open book for my own safety, but with him, I feel I need to be. I've always felt like that with Taylor, even before I fell in love with him. I'm tired of writing about my past. I know too much about myself to sit quietly in the dark without making a comment into the silence. I cry too much about things that I cannot change, and probably wouldn't. The scars my past gave me scare me away from trying new things and even allowing me to trust people who I know I can; all because one or two people screwed up my idea of the concept. My job as a writer is to portray my feelings through my own writing, my characters; and as I over read what I had written in Believe, I know my character is me, I have feelings for her, and it's because of that that when she goes through something that I have, I cannot find the words to properly portray the moment, because I don't want to relive it. But I've decided just recently to switch up the plot a little bit for better understanding of what she/ I are/have gone through. (As confusing as that sounded). And I've noticed something else: in some scenarios it is easier to write through the aspect of a male character, even though all of mine are female. Probably because I may not know what goes through a males mind, but I know what I want to go through a males mind, and I've found out through my own research, that it is the same thing. Look for me on the books shelves at Barns n' Nobles, for that is where I'll be, when Taylor and I move to our house the color of sand.

Brown and Gold; never again.

The other day, April was holding her new baby boy, R.J.. I always sat next to her and beheld the wonder before me. I had seen April throughout her pregnancy and became closer to her. I felt connected to the new child in a way I wasn't with my other nieces and nephews. I loved him. Then, for the first time in little R.J.'s life (and mine) he looked at me. Something deep inside me moved as our eye contact held. "That's your aunt Mel," April told him. I gently looked at him, his blue eyes were so deep. Absolutely the deepest I've ever seen. I wanted to cry the more I looked him over. I wanted to hold and carry him. I wanted to take and love him. But alas, I smiled at him and, to my surprise, he smiled at me and April smiled and I knew this was different. This was new and I was actually a part of it. Witnessing a mothers love and my own maternal instincts. April and Ryan prepared to feed him, and once the trance was broken, I was content with sitting next to April. After my father and Judy's christmas party (I finally got a winter coat), I asked if April and Ryan could give me a lift home. Duh, yeah they could. I took the liberty of carrying everything of theirs (and mine) out to their car and getting it started up for them and the baby. After that, I waited for Ryan to get in the car and we left for my house. On the way I told April and Ryan about Taylor and his home front. We laughed at the "Ticking time bomb" remark my psy teacher made and said goodbye. I walked in the house and was yelled at concerning whether or not I did my chores. Well, happiness has a short expiration date, and that's what I have learned and have to deal with.

I want her to look beautiful, if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Christmas morn...was actually good. My two younger brothers came rapping on my door at 7a.m., trying to pry me from my warm nest, only to fail again. I slept half heartidly until about ten thirty when I dragged myself out of bed and down the stairs. Cody and Logan had broken tradition and opened their gifts, whatever, tradition sucks. I asked Cody what he got, he answered (with little enthusiasm) board games and some DVDs. Poor dude, I smiled, that meant that maybe this year mom and senior had thought about us older kids. I went to the kitchen where I got some coffee and mom made me sit down with nick and open gifts. I hate opening gifts in front of people. I feel like their judging me for the reaction they want. That's why I always start with gifts from people who aren't there or in the room. My aunt got me a Hannah Montana t-shirt which I was ecstatic about, and it actually fit, so I wore it. I received some garnet jewelry, like I do every year, a new purse, and other odds and ends which I can't remember. Ha ha. From my step father I received a sword, which my mom didn't approve of but he laughed and was glad that I liked, no, loved it.

From there I helped with baking and made some homemade chocolates with Logan. My mom said that it was good to hear us laughing together. Really I was making fun of Logans version of Santa. We baked til' there was nothing left to do. Then we cleaned and such. I was still disappointed that we didn't have a big breakfast like we normally do. Tradition sucks anyways. We had a big turkey dinner that was delish, of coarse. Cookies, fudge, pie...typical Christmas things. But that night when I went to bed, thanking whomever for a good Christmas, I was extremely lonely and needed someone to talk to. I texted people, hoping I wasn't interrupting anything Christmas related. Really, I was craving a convo with someone like Shannon or Taylor. Somebody I loved who could tell me how great their Christmas was. Nathan would have to do, especially since I can't talk to Jeffy without him hitting on me, or Kristen without her getting hostile on me, I thought about calling John. Somebody I could truly call at anytime of the night for a laugh and reminisce our childhood, then make a promise to get together, then never do. I didn't; I miss him though. I'll have to call and wish him a happy 2009 new year. Which is also right around the corner. Good thing I bought some new DVDs to watch at my dads. Time for me to find an imaginary friend to talk to. Alaina came to sleep with me last night. She must have known that the wind scared me and I hated being alone with such noise.

Alone...

Now angels are falling from your skies

I'm beginning to think that I'm quite possibly the most complicated person currently living on this planet (Earth). Maybe not person, per say, don't want to take too much credit, but maybe one of the most complicated girls. I want what every girl wants. Except I think the whole "Prince Charming" thing is a little cheesy. I want a guy (male) who respects, loves, cares and stays faithful to me. Not a simple thing to ask for. That's why I was glad when I found Taylor. He's all of that and more. But, I feel like I'm the one walking in a thick fog. I never know what goes on in his life, while I tell him about mine in complete detail, and I'm not sure if I'll ever understand his way of thinking. From my point of view it seems like he thinks he needs to be the ground God. He needs to make a difference in every females life, no matter what. He tells me things that I don't understand. He's ready to settle down (unlike normal males his age) but he feels the need to get close enough to girls that I think he's cheating. That's what he says. Then reasure me that he's not. I know he's not. The thought of him cheating hasn't occured to me...guilty conscience on his end? The only thought that I have thought was that he would leave me for someone he saw everyday, that his parents liked so that he could see her more often. I don't like the feeling of being threatened and the more he reasures me he's all good, the more reckless I feel. I want to take charge and tell him to change his ways, I can't exactly see a happy marriage with somebody who keeps running to girls houses at all hours of the night and day making them feel better while I'm trying to make children feel better.

Sure, this may just be a phase (that's what I keep telling myself) but I always plan my future now, and I need to know that it will be a dependable one. I've had to think about myself in the past several times, but I'm tired of that. I would like him to starting thinking about me, us maybe. I don't want to lose our life, because he keeps making everyone elses livable.

Water Bullet

The lake is still,
No life in sight.
Yet the surface breaks,
Life does not take.
The small ripple grows larger,
Starting from so small,
It had no leader,
No leader at all.
It was alone in the beginning,
So random in thought,
It followed the water and found what it sought.
Water bullet cast your spell,
Cast it my way.
I need help to find the path that you so easily stride.
I’m lost on a lake, full of ripples
I need to find the one path to take,
That will lead me to my shore.
Your ripple grows larger still,
The size of the lake you are.
You found the shore,
Showed me the way.
But I decided to skip my shore,
And cast my spell out to bay.
Where another soul sits,
Watching my ripple,
Watches it guide their way to shore.
Will they take the path I offer?
Or will they too go out to bay,
To help another?

It's beginning to look alot like...January

I can't very easily express how happy I am that winter break is here. On the last day of my community course, I stood out in the hallway with Ben, he said "so, this is it, huh?" You see, Ben isn't going to Delta next semester; he's going to a place in Midland that is basically a branch of Delta. Probably better that way, since he's 40 minutes away from Delta. Ben reached down and hugged me, then reached over me to hug Cailey, our other groupie. Cailey's awesome. When we first met, she reminded me of a female version of Taylor. Then the more I got to know her, the more I found myself studying her, trying to become more like her. She was mature, responsible, a great writer, and very organized. Plus, she stuck up for me when my wit was on the slow side. Ben hated that, which made me like her more. And I recently found out that she had a baby when she was 17, and the father was a jackass. Go figure. Her daughters name is Amara, very pretty.

After the hugs, very unexpected, Ben said goodbye to Cailey, as she trotted away without a care. Then he pretty much demanded that I take his number, he said he knew that if he called me, I wouldn't answer, so he would wait until I called him. Like I had planned on it. He turned away, I yelled across the lobby to Darren, Bens other friend, and walked away, thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with Ben anymore. After that, I went and sold my last book, then proceeded to the library, where I sat, alone for several hours until Taylor rescued me.

Today, I went to school and the first thing I did was bought all my new books (although apparently I forgot somethings for my Astronomy class, I'll just go back after vacation and get my goods). Stood in line with over 100 pounds of literature in my arms (I thought they were going to break off), then sat with nick in the commons. At two, I went up to my math class, and immediatly started on my math exam. No problem, it was far easier than I thought it was going to be. As I turned it in, the teacher said she wanted to look it over, she showed me some problems I would have gotten wrong, than showed me how to correct them. She marked them right, and said I was going to pass that class. I still felt bad that I even had to be there. There was about 15 people in that class and we would all have to take two more math classes for them to even start counting toward our degrees. That means that I'm in a really low class. I thought about taking a math class in the summer time to catch up, but there's no way my sanity will be able to carry that. I'll already have two jobs to work and I need time for both Taylor, and I. It'll be a busy summer, but you can bet that Taylor and I will put our time to good use, if you catch my drift.

I just can't wait to go clothes shopping, and christmas shopping in a few days! I will finally have some new clothes, especially since my family doesn't think I need new ones and wouldn't help me out with it if I asked. My dad hasn't even gotten me a winter coat yet. Ironically, I'm the only one not getting sick.

Here's some good news: my hair's growing out. My hair grows fast so I knew I wouldn't have to wait too long for it to become fixable, and even the few centimeters is enough to turn my mood around. Once it reaches an acceptable length, I can call my hair dresser and beg her to fix my hair, and my self esteem.

"idk mesa...sweet dreams"

Last night after the middle school band concert (and running into my 3rd grade teacher whom sat in front of us), something was wrong with my mom, don't ask me what, god knows. I noticed her eyes were watering while we were waiting for cody to return to the band room but nothing looked wrong. Then in the truck on the way home (I can always be stupid enough to make her laugh) she was really quiet even as Senior tried to make her laugh or at least find encouragement as he told tales about my mom going into labor with Cody and him getting from Auburn to Bay City in 7 minutes. She just kept looking out the window, seemed I was the only one who could sense the disturbance in the air. I heard her sniffle and wondered what exactly was wrong, but knew I would never know.

Nick got sick, as always, so today Senior took me to school again. That was a nice awkward quiet ride. I hate when he tries to make me smile or laugh or see things from his point of view. He talks to me like I'm Codys age, then when I don't think he's the greatest man on earth, he assumes that I'm having a bad day or didn't sleep well. Nevermind the fact that I'm 18 and can't drive myself, nevermind the fact that I was up until 11pm talking to Nathan last night, nevermind the fact that I despise Seniors company, the cold weather, my clothes, hair, BEN, nevermind I had my psychology test today. Speaking of which, I think I may have passed...I dunno though. Only time will tell. Tomarrow I will buy my new school books and at some point soon I will go clothes shopping for something to boost my selfesteem.

I wonder if Taylor knows that there is a Kasper in the middle school band. 7th grade I think. Not entirely sure. I saw her name in the pamplet thing that I pretended to read several times, even the two blank pages in the back (which turned out to be my favorite pages).

Heaven

The first feeling of life I had was strange really. It seemed to come too simply, too easily. As if given as a gift. But, did I truly deserve one? A gift to me, the goddess who played a part in the destruction in the only thing she had ever known. Too simple. Too simple to wake up and feel safe, feel in comfort. To raise my head up off my pillow and smile at the morning sun. To walk across my warm bedroom floor and open the window, where the glowing warmth would create its own aura.
It was happening. I sat up in my bed; the brilliance from my window glided across the floor and caressed my body. I felt at ease. But most of all, I felt normal. Gentle laughing could be heard from the lower floor. The covers flew off me as I ran to the door and pressed my ear against it. I jumped when the door slowly opened. The sunshine followed the carpet as I slowly walked, listening to the commotion down below.
Peering over the railing, I saw them. My family. Laughing by the front door as if it was just another day. My light faded as I watched them. They all laughed and conversed as if nothing had ever happened. My father smiled lovingly at my mother, holding her hand. My mother. Sharona giggled happily as Matt tickled her and tossed her about. Matt.
The door opened and in walked my Grandfather, smiling holding up a gift basket with assorted snacks and wine coolers. It seemed as if none of them noticed me standing there at all. He held the door, waiting. I waited for Fluke to trot into the house, but she never came. My Grandfather looked outside, and then laughed as he held the door for his brunette wife. Sara. She held up more wine coolers and everyone cheered. Everyone cheered. Uncle John followed, carrying fireworks, Illegal no doubt. Everyone cheered.
My father announced for everyone to come into the kitchen to celebrate, they followed. All except Sara, who stood there smiling gently. Her eyes seemed to be in a daze. Her eyes slowly looked up to meet mine. I smiled back, silent. Sara slid her hands in her pockets, and kept smiling. She let out a small chuckle, and then walked onwards to the kitchen, where she had been called.
I stood there then. My feet grew warm as the light surrounded me again. I looked out the windows above the door and pondered on the past events. Pondered on what happened, and what to do next. Join my family? No, it didn’t seem right. I was rather confused, but chose not to ponder any longer. What happened, happened, it was no big deal. I was at peace. Nothing to be concerned about.
It will always have a notch in the back of my thoughts though. What did happen that day? That day with Camaris over the river and city? The glowing light and angel wings. The things we said and the feelings we ended up sharing. Was it all just a dream? Just another one of my crazy fantasies? Or is this...

Heaven.

Please take note...

Yesterday, while Logan and I were sitting on my bed playing Pokemon, he suddenly stopped, winced in pain, and put his hand to his chest. After a few seconds, he let out some air, and went back to his Pokemon game. I stopped and kept looking at him. That stance was way too familiar for me to just let it go like that. "Logan, what was that?" I asked him, he shrugged and said sometimes it hurt. "Your chest? Like your heart?". he said yeah, he continued with his game. He then said that it's been happening for a while, and it only gets worse. I just kept looking at him. He noticed and said what. "Logan, that happens to me also. It's not good." He went back to his game again and repeated that it was nothing new. My family didn't believe me when I told them that I had chest pains. My mom said it was growing pains, she had them when she was younger to. I probably should have been more specific on which chest I meant. I told her I had heart pains, it didn't matter though. It was all in my head. It won't be all in my head when I suddenly die of a heart attack one of these days. I thought of what it would be like if the pain got too bad for Logan, he would surely tell mom and senior, and they would of coarse take immediate action. Then when I get the pains again, they'll say that I'm just doing it for attention.

Oh btw, I know that my closest friends know, but, should I die before my time (take this seriously, and no I'm not suicidal), I want to be buried with my guitar ear rings (bitches) and my blanket (hoes), and THIS IS IMPORTANT (!) I want my casket to be the color of my hair and glossy enough to see your reflection on it. And on the inside, I don't want lacy crap, I'd rather have silk. Oh, I know nobody will care after I die, so put my photo albums with my cat pictures in with me. That way nobody can throw them away. Besides, I'm the only one that appreciates them, so this is my way of protecting the pictures. I didn't take them for my health! Oh wait...I did. luff ya!

Bruiser

I'm very fortunate I decided to look cute today. This is the fastest I ever gotten a computer at Delta on a Tuesday! Let's start off at the beginning of the day. I woke up an hour later than usual (because I don't have english anymore), walked around in my bra (this is quickly becoming habit for me) which automatically put me in a good mood, not because I was wearing the silly thing, but because it was warm enough in my room to actually do so. I got dressed, put my hair in pig tails, added accesories, and went down stairs; where I proceeded to make a sandwich for lunch, and a cup of coffee for breakfast. Then came time to start up Nicks car. This, I must say, is quickly becoming a pain in the ass. I heart Nicks new car but there's something wrong with his driver side door that it never unlocks. So it's my job to climb into the drivers seat (from the passenger side) and force it open. Normally I can get it within' ten minutes. Today, however, I couldn't. Senior saw that I was having trouble with the door, came out and we spent about five minutes trying to pry it open. (Him outside the car, me inside). Then he said: "I'm going to pull out the truck, you pull this into the drive-way." Then walked off. I was ecstatic that I could drive Nicks car, which I have quickly fallen in lust with. Incredibly easy to handle, I swung that baby into the drive-way like I have had my license for years. I put it in park and sat there as Senior pulled in behind me. That was far too easy I had thought to myself. I thought for sure there was somthing else I had to do. But nope, I got out, Senior said he would take Nick and I to school, and away we went. Senior complimented me on my driving skills with Nicks car. I want that car bad; and that's all I thought about on the way to school. By time Nick actually can give/sell the car to me, it'll be worth about as much as his blazer currently is. Not that he is rough with his cars, just that his equipment for his chair and the lift and such breaks down the car over time. Especially because the cars he drives, aren't built for that kind of thing. I think I have proven my lust for the car, getting up half an hour early just so that I can sweep the snow off it, defrost it, and make sure it is driving worthy for when we leave. Plus it doesn't really matter because it's not like Nick can do that anyways.

Going back to the topic I was on, before i ranted about Nicks car, after walking Chelsea to her psych class, I retreated to the commons to sell my film book bundle. I looked lovingly at my DVD with all my favorite short movies on it, then the lady handed it back to me and said that she didn't need it, only the book. My face lit up. I couldn't believe i was going to get to keep my DVD! With Bartholomews song, and spam-ku, and The Hill, AH! I was excited! Not only that, but I got nice chunk of change for the book itself. I went out, bought me a Coke, and went to the library. (Wondering when i could get to the mall to buy more long sleeved shirts ofcoarse. Everything is on clearence now.) I did one lap around the library, and stood there, looking at the other students. Trying to figure out which one I should stalk and steal their computer when they got up. There were others joining me in my search for a victim, when I heard a guy go "Hey!". I looked over and he was looking at me. I looked around to make sure it was me, but when he looked me up and down, I knew it was. I went over to him. "It's all yours." he said, smiling, giving me his computer. I thanked him greatly, and signed in.

That's how I got here. A nice computer, a coke, munneh in meh pocket, and no class until 2pm. Tis the life, baby!

Confessions of a girl named Melissa

If Satan is person, Heaven is a place, and God is an essence at which we all pray to, then it must have been Satan who had come to me in a dream so long ago. He said to me: "Melissa, you have sinned far too greatly to ever be allowed to walk by your heavenly fathers side, there is only one hope if you plan to get to that afterlife. You must take this little black book and in it, every month, confess your sins. You must write everything. If you leave something out we will assume that it didn't happen, and it will be Saint Peters job to judge your silent lies. Do this task until your soul becomes one by society's standards, and you will be saved..."

For years I have done so. Journal after journal after journal, and now this. Poems, stories, songs, not enough. I am safe, I have found what I need to complete my soul; my soul mate. I must continue until the day we marry. But there's this catch: I was supposed to confess everything in my journal, as I have. This blog, as much as it means to me, as much truth as it holds, is like a game to me. I write about my past, details I've never written before, thoughts and actions that are too terrible or false to make it into my written journal. False? Does that mean I lied somewhere in one of my blogs. Yes, I did. I don't consider it to be a big lie, just a metaphor perhaps. That's what my writing is all about, metaphors. I love to write them. They come to me because sometimes the truth hurts too much to even think about.

Confessing things to even my closest friends have always caused problems. I like to think back to elementary years because that's when my life was completely at bliss. I was usually always happy, always something to do, places to go. My future was paved in gold, although through the eyes of a child, it usually always is. Studies show that everyone, whether straight, bi sexual, or gay, are attracted to women's bodies because of how they carry themselves. Confident, etc. I was not a bi-sexual in elementary school. Jamie was an extraordinary friend. The closest I have ever had in my entire life. She was the only girl, or person, that I felt completely at ease around. She was the only one that I would dress in front of, bathe with, or cuddle with. I would go to the ends of the earth and back just to make her laugh, and I always could, even if meant getting me in more trouble. It was worth it to me. I may get the chance to meet her again, but that didn't go over to well with Taylor. He went on about something and said "I thought this might happen". As if I was going to leave him for Jamie, which would never happen in a million years because I'm not bi-sexual. I don't know what's going through his mind and hopefully he'll he a sport and tell me. We're getting together on Friday and that should be the perfect time to...what are we going to do? What is there to do? I don't even know if anything needs to be figured out, I just want to finish the conversation. It's unhealthy to leave me hanging like that. At least I had a dream that my family had to move and we got a house that was big, and we invited Taylor to live with us. And we were happy. I woke up to a text, lost the happiness that the dream had created, and slipped back into a dreamless sleep.

Unanswered questions create stress. Today is my math exam. I'll need to focus really hard to keep my attention on my work, and not on the confusing matter at hand. Somebody help me.

Supa Dupa

So, school is traveling on in front of me like a never ending road of death paved with the skeletons of others who have failed. Seems I'll join them eventually, because there is no way (now this is a terrible example of cognitive therapy) that I am going to pass my tests. Heh, maybe I will.

This seems like a great summer to rid of my fear of swimming with fish. Either that, or I'll die trying. Hopefully, Taylor's parents will be over themselves in time for summer. Because I sure as hell need a male in the water with me at Oasis lake. Don't get me wrong, I loved Shannon's company last year (especially the amateur porn videos we mocked). Maybe I'll take the boat into the middle of the lake and jump off it...hopefully theres no undertow or man eating fish in there...or anything bigger than my foot. And GOD! Those little sons of bitches (ya know, blue gill?) bite hard! I bled! No loss though. We'll probably go up more than once. My Psy teacher said that he had a fear of fish to. He went snorkling to get over his fear, then laughed at the expression of horror on my face. The summer isn't even close but I think it'll be a great summer that will surpass last summers trials. It'll be one to remember...

Guess I'll have to put the brake on my sex life...

Because it seems to be spirling out of control and is going to end in a firey crash at the bottom of a stone lined cliff. I've been sitting here at delta for what feels like forever and I had decided, I'm going to move to Las Vegas and be a show girl...no, no, no, that would be terrible. I'm gonna move to Rhonde island like kristen and pay 46% for taxes...no,no,no, that would be terrible. I'll just stay here, ya know, Romania, and be a successful writer with my 20 cats and mini van (which I have to get the oil changed) and live off the government (because I survived the vietnam war). Then I woke up and decided my room was too dark, so I opened my curtains, listend to Miley, my lesbian lover, complain that now two of our cats are in heat...wait...two!? (out the window they go) so I named all nicks new fish, well, almost all of them. Taylor's coming over tonight and I'm not even there. cry me a river...that leads to your ocean. Holy crap, i just nodded my head to the beat of that song...good thing no ones looking except for that one guy kitty corner from me, whom I said "bless you" to when he sneezed, good thing I drive the coke truck home tonight.

huh...none of that was true. Except all of it. Like Earth. Who named earth anyways? who got pointed at and told to name the thing we're standing on? ...Lucky bastard. i would name it Melissa, cuz' that's my name...*sniff* and I'm THE BEST! AND I LOVE MYSELF!! and that's all that matters. Time for meds. See ya tonight, miles.

No I don't think I will...

Well folks, it finally happened. I got full credit on my psychology homework. My teacher even wrote a little note at the bottom to suggest that I go talk to financial aide to see if they could help out with my food issues. I was really happy that I had done so good on my homework, but I know that there's still no hope for my grade. Maybe I'll get an E+. haha. I'm starting to lose my mind. I find myself wanting t sleep longer, talking to myself, freezing to death, and not wanting to do anything if it has a hint of productivity to it. Well, I really want to clean my room, but today I had to get to my dads house and take an online test my film teacher assigned. This is what I don't get. It was open book, I looked probably 99% of my answers up, and I got 10/20. I'm pissed.

Poor shaly called me last night (while I was half asleep) and asked if I wanted to go to a concert with her. I said no. I can't stand the bands and, although I feel bad she'll have to go with her dad and his GF, this will be another busy week for me and I need to put the gas pedal down and get a move on. I'll probably have work for the first time this weekend, I'm pretty frickin' psyched that I will actually be making money. Mostly for my phone bill and food. Mmm, food. I ate so much today I thought I was going to explode, still do. My dreams are weird at night. Last night I dreamt that my step father and my half brothers went on a trip and we ended up killing our animal friends and I was the only one who felt bad about it. I said something about it and my step dad yelled at me for caring, then kicked me out of the adventure, or whatever, we were on. I remember watching a boy drown his puppy to punish it for killing a weasel. *Shudders*