Rhinestones

Today I had the pleasure of going to the annual Band-o-rama. It was nice to actually watch and listen to the bands, instead of wallowing in my own nervousness. I went with my step father and mother, and actually wanted to run into Taylor's parents because I know they would leave me alone once they saw how my step dad towered over them.

We sat behind a lady, whom, my parents apparently knew from a long time ago. The told her all about me graduating and Cody being in the 7th grade band and Logan being in 4th grade. She asked us where we lived now, my mother told her. I still had no idea who this woman was. Chris asked her when her and her family moved back to the area, she said she never technically left it, just moved a few times. My mom looked at me. I asked who the woman was, real quiet like. My mom looked at me funny and said her name (which I can't remember now) I was puzzled, I had never heard of her before. "Her husbands name is Mikey..." Mikey...Mikey...where had I heard that name before? I hadn't heard it in a long time. I look at my mom, "Is that Jamie's mother?" My mom just looked at me funny and said no. I continued to be puzzled, and lost interest.

After the performance, we left the gym and commons so fast that I didn't think that I was going to get to see Taylor. Which turned out to work to my advantage, because while we were waiting for Cody to get back from the band room (whom was afraid he was going to get stabbed my his friend, Elease (sp)), Taylor came up and hugged me from behind. Best thing ever. He scared me though, I wasn't expecting it. My step dad shook his hand, which was weird, but basically means he has his approval. Good sign. That was the first time my step dad had ever shook any of my boyfriends hands. Taylor had to leave though, a few minutes later,Cody came back in one piece, so we left. Once my mom got out of the truck at 7-11, I asked my step dad if he knew exactly what happened to Jamie. He took out his cell phone, looked through his phone book and said a number out loud. He looked back at me "Call it and find out". I said I wasn't going to just call her out of the blue. He said that he has been trying to get ahold of them for a while now but they never answer the phone. Said the last time he was able to talk to them was a few months ago. I jumped. Why hadn't he told me that he was still in touch with Jamie's family? "Infact," he started "they don't live far from our house". Great, so she's been walking distance this whole time. "I bet she's really pretty." I added under my breath. He just smiled and said he hadn't seen her in while, and it wasn't his place to judge. I dropped the subject and told Cody that mom should take him to a football game so he can witness the furosity that is the marching band. Great subject change.

I told Bastian we should egg Matthews house, he wouldn't though. Psh, whatev. :3

And they'll wave to you...

I didn't go to my math class today. I was originally planning on waiting in line at the counselors office so I could schedule for winter semester. Pain in the ass really. I walked by the first time, saw that it was incredibly full with other late students, then decided I would get something to drink, then try again. I went down to the cafe, got a drink and candy bar since tomorrow is Halloween and I'm not going trick-or-treating, ate it, and then got ignored by Megan McCarthy and her boyfriend, Wes. Hey, I was the one who set them up, and I get no appreciation for it. Why is Megan going to Delta anyways? Why isn't she at some big university? I've noticed a lot of the graduated western cheerleaders here to. Ya know, the incredibly popular, destined for stardom? Thems kinds.

Don't matter to me, kinda makes me feel better about myself. Well, I walked by the office again, and it wasn't any better, so I said screw it and went to the library t ofind an open computer. Actually found one, and in my favorite spot to. Got on and tried to register that way, couldn't though, I didn't know the first thing to do. I missed my counselor lady. *tear* I was supposed to ask her if my psychology course was needed to get into SVSU. Probably knowing myluck. Once again, I made a stupid mistake on my homework and got a C- on it. Sometimes I just want to punch or shoot myself. X.x

I have four math assignments to, I really didn't miss doing math. At least I passed my midterm with a C! Hey that's great news for me, math is a weak spot...unless it geometry, which I'm pretty good at. Find x...duh, it's usually on the side of the triangle. Gosh.

Tonight Shannon's coming over and Kyle's going to pick us up for his halloween shiz-dig tomarrow. I'm not going to wear my Hannah Montana wig though, It's irratating to have fake hair over your real hair, at least in my opinion. I'll be Miley Cyrus instead, I'll save Hannah for my "night life''. It'll be fun. Once the party starts and Kyle is distracted, I'll grab Shannon and pull her outside, then we'll run to the neighbors and get some free candy! Hells yeah, we're rebels! She doesn't know yet, but I'm sure she'll be game. I'll make sure to write all about it, unless the world ends or I push Austin into a fire, in which case I'll be in jail or....ya know....dead. But so will be you, so it's okay.

Oh I finished my paper to!

Like a fire in my veins

This past Sunday didn't actually feel like a Sunday. It felt like more of a Saturday really. The thought of school the next day never occurred to me, or the fact that I did have homew0rk either. It could, in fact, be that Taylor had come over on Sunday instead of the normal Saturday. Reason being I was supposed to be busy but, ironically, both of my previous plans had been cancelled and rescheduled all at the same time. So, my Saturday consisted of watching television, saving the world, Internet, and of coarse, throwing feeble attempts at my homework. So I guess the days got switched; Saturday (supposedly the wild and fun day) switched with Sunday (the supposed relax and take it easy day). No problem here though. I still got to see Taylor either way. (Did that confuse you at all?)


And as if on cue, like every weekend before, Taylor and I craved alone time. Primarily we liked when we could turn to each other for entertainment, the way it is supposed to be. We eventually got our wish, after watching "Grease". Two or so hours of alone time, hells yeah. I had to call my dad though and make sure that they were going to be gone for a while. He just told me to put another movie in. So, we did. I don't think he included the fact he wanted us to watch it though. Hope not, because we didn't. I'm not going to go into extreme detail, like I did in my hand written journal last night, but we did get extremely intense. More intense than either of us probably meant. All week we were exchanging texts about sex and other possibilities, but I never thought that anything would actually lead to that. I mean, come on, right? Just another fantasy of mine forgotten and lost. Now, don't get ahead of yourself, we didn't have sex. Probably a good thing I was constantly nervous about when exactly my father would be returning home. Otherwise, god knows what would have happened. I took the liberty of starting things when I straddled Taylor on the couch. That should have been an insight on how the rest of the day would go, and I liked it. Probably would have enjoyed it more if I wasn't worried about the possibility of my father coming in, you're going to hear me say that alot. I had to tell Taylor several times that we needed to calm down, reluctantly, we both went back to laying on the couch to throw another attempt at watching the second movie.



That was when I realized that Taylor's neck was extremely vulnerable . At first, I just wanted to nuzzle it. I loved the feel and warmth of his skin against mine. Then I just decided to touch it, nothing provoked me, I just like to touch him and he knows that. All summer l0ng I had told him that. I touched his neck, chin, jaw, everything I could; but just barely. I wasn't sure what kind of an effect it would have on him or even if I was just plain ol' annoying him. So I was gentle in every aspect. I realized not too long later that I was having a postive effect on Taylor, judging by his whispers of "So good..." and such.



This might sound weird but...you know when you're trying to walk down a steep hill, like a sand dune, and you're trying to be careful, but still somehow manage to lose your footing, fall on your butt and slide the rest of the way down? That feeling you get when you fall: you know you're going to be alright but it still scares you a little? That's what it felt like when Taylor pinned me. It wasn't really a pin, it was more like a tackle. I let out a sound of surprise first off. Don't take that as a sign that I didn't like it, when in reality, yes, I loved it. His kisses were so vigorous, and the way our bodies were touching, was making me wish I didn't have to worry about my dad coming home. I thought I knew what it felt like to get caught up in emotions like those, but the feeling I was getting because of Taylor was all new. Along with my nervous butterflies (because of the risk my father posed), I had an odd sensation throughout my body. I found it possible to stop the feeling just by concentrating, or whatever, a skill I was glad I had in class on Monday. The only way I can describe the sensation was sorta like a fire in my veins. I actually wanted more, to feel more, know more, maybe even experience more. I've never felt that way about anyone (or anything) before. Why was it that I did it with Taylor and suddenly it was different? Hm, maybe because it was voluntary? No, I think that was a small part of a big picture.



I had to get Taylor's attention, or else who knows what else we might do. Whispering his name hadn't gotten his attention, even though it made the experience better. I decided to limit his movement by holding him tighter, although this worked for his body, it didn't exactly stop him totally to get his attention. So I purposely made our kisses longer, so he would have no choice but to slow down. Eventually, I got him to slow down, not that the choice was one I wanted to make, it was was more of one I needed to make. It was my job to be responsible. That's always been my job. Taylor said he had to get up and walk around. I wasn't sure exactly what his issue was, so I let him have his wish. He waltzed around the kitchen, and I checked the driveway. Still home alone. He must have been having a personal dilema because he propped himself up against the wall. I went up to him and hugged him so that he knew he was okay. I was rather hesitant to touch him at first, I didn't know if he wanted the time alone and if hugging him was out of the question. It was fine. We retreated back to the couch and finally began to watch the movie. Although that didn't last long either.

I still wanted to be affectionate, just without all the fire works. Once again, Taylor had his neck open, so I started to kiss it. For some reason, I was hesitant to do this to. I didn't want to provoke him like I had previously done, again. Kissing him is easy to do, I love the feel of his skin. Love is an understatment. Obviously it picked up again, there was alot more kissing and such. We started to get more into it, when we heard glass shatter. My imediate reaction was the cats knocked something over. It was actually the candle my dad had lit exploding. Taylor jumped up and blew out the fire. I just poured some water on it. I went to call my dad about it when him and Judy pulled in the drive way. Gosh, good thing that candle blew when it did. We would have been in big trouble.

Somebody was looking out for us. And I thank whomever that was. :]

Western vs. Central

Of coarse we won the game! Duh, seriously, we were nearly undefeated and Central was, well, nearly completely defeated. We scored a touchdown 15 seconds into the first quarter. I don't even know if it could be considered a "good game" or not. It was freezing cold though, soaked to the bone we were. I was glad I didn't have to play my flute at halftime, I had to text my dad before the game ended, and holy cow, it was hard to move my fingers. They do that when they get cold.

Before the game, as I was sitting up in the stands at pregame, there was a lot of Alumni from my class. I didn't even recognize Ashley with her hair dyed and cut. She actually had a color that looked good on her. Good for her, I still hate her. Zach kept being perverted, Courtney spazzed out everytime H looked up into the stands, Bree brought candy, and Sam was just annoying. Nothing new there. Too bad he didn't slip down the stands and, I don't know, die or something. He gave me a hug and told me he missed me. Same o, same o.

During the game, I got to sit between Taylors legs and that was pretty warm. No justice for the rest of my body though. I just liked being close to him, practically hidden from everyone else with their bulky raincoats. When they got up for halftime, the temperature difference was more than noticable. Once again, Zach and his friend came and stood around me, great wind blockers! Then once the Western band was preparing to take the field, Sam came up to talk to me. Basically wanted to know how I've been, how my family has been. (Specifically asked "How's Mom doing?") I don't know why, but I don't think it's his right to call my mother his anymore. Told me he was having GF problems and that he did really miss me. Cry me a river. Asked how I was doing with the baby. I said good. Asked if I had told my mother yet. I said yes, said she was surprisingly happy for me, wants me to have 19 more. For a split second he had a disappointed look on his face, then smiled and said that that was unexpected. Asked if I had been sick alot, I said no. He said I looked alot more comfortable with it than he thought I would be. I said it wasn't that big of a deal. I'm 18 and with a little hard work, I'd be just fine. Told him I had gained weight, duh, hope I didn't lose weight after concieving, that would be wierd. Sam said the reason he brought up the whole "me being comfortable with it" thing was because I wasn't trying to hide my "bulge". I just smiled and said guess not. I'm not even fat! But I must admit, that for a moment, I liked the fact that he said I had a baby bulge. He said that he didn't have a white feather for me, but he had a blue Jay feather but it got crinkled so he threw it away. I wanted to punch him. He was starting to upset me when Taylor came flying out of no where and put his arm around me. Sam still asked for a hug though, probably purposely trying to aggrivate Taylor, then got the hint and left. I really didn't need a drama moment, or a fight breaking out. Who knows, maybe Taylor knows too much for his own good. It's bad enough that he sits there and squeezes Felicias arm in a comforting boyfriendish way. Awww, so cute. *stabs self*

After the game, I nearly had a heart attack when Taylors dad was right there. Taylor introduced us, I didn't care much. I've already met the man and decided that he will never meet his grandchildren, or at least get visitation or baby sitting rights. Hell, I'll pay a day care before I let them take them. Besides, they'll have to pry them from my mothers hands before they get them. And we all know that that'll be virtually impossible. My mom's good with kids, but I don't like how my step father handles kids. It's annoying when he tries to stoop down to their level and talk in those annoying voices, with big eyes, and his tendancies to try and tickle them.

And now, today, I sit here with "Carrie" in the background. Half in my pj's, half not. Comfortable, but a little chilly. In the mood to kill some people on GTA, maybe I will, at least in that world I can mend reality to my will. I can be anyone, and get away with anything, especially since I control the very fiber of the game, the true definition of god. The ability to create life and kill it at the same time. Everyone will die in the fiery hell I create. Gosh, that feels so good.

I didn't recognize you without the handcuffs...

I woke up this morning at 5:24am from a night of barely any sleep. I couldn't get comfortable, and then I was too hot, then I was too cold, and etc. I tried to sleep in a little more but just got bored and got up at about 9:30am . I was home alone (my favorite time), I made my bed, remembering how Taylor and I were laying the previous day. After that I went downstairs, jumped at my reflection (it was my fault for falling asleep with wet hair) and ate breakfast. I quickly became aggrivated when I noticed that the back door had been left open and the cats were running around the basement. I called for them and all three sulked back upstairs hanging their heads. They knew better. My step dads reason for leaving it open was because the cats chase the mice away, but if they keep making messes down there their "gone". Well, then we really will have mice problems won't we? Dumbass. It's simple: close the door, no more messes. The cats scent is enough to keep the mice at bay, if not, they'll have me to deal with.


After that bit of a fit, I swept the kitchen floor, did a load of laundry, acted like I actually wanted to have a conversation and listened to my step fathers woes. Drank two cups of coffee, and got dressed. And don't you hate the feeling you get when it feels like somebody is grabbing your overies and squeezing really hard? Yeah, I hate it to. Hated the walk to the metro, hated waiting for the metro, hated the ride, hated not getting a computer at Delta, and hated my test. Love my look though, I was cute. :]

Turning point at a fork in the road

Today, I had my midterm for math. I was extremely nervous, especially after I saw my test score from the previous class. I could have sworn that somebody was throwing sugar beets at my head as my stupidity was increasing. I freaked out in the middle of the test because everyone else was finishing and for once, I wasn't done yet. Usually I'm one of the first people done. I sat there, with a huge blank on almost all of the problems. So many theories and methods that I couldn't tell one from the other. I felt like Keitaro from Love Hina as he spazzes out in the middle of his admission tests for Tokyo University. As I finished, in slow motion, I handed in my test. I stood there, next to a student who was confused about directions. The teacher looked at me, picked up my test, and opened it to the problem that the student was having an issue with. Her eyes got huge as she looked up at me, "You got it, you got it!" Everyone who was left looked up at us. The teacher flipped to the third page of my test, "You really got it!". She was really happy, in a kinda "wow I didn't think you could do it'' kind of way. I smiled and pointed out that I needed help on one problem in the back, I couldn't remember what to do with it. Yep, last page, there was a blank spot. She showed me how to do it, and sent me back to my seat to work on the problem, and maybe perhaps, saving my grade. She smiled and told me to have a good weekend, as I turned my test in one last time, and headed for the door. I ran down that hallway!

Ofcoarse there weren't any computers in the library left, why would there be? I had homework, but there were people on YouTube and myspace, facebook, and just watching anime, that must have been more important. I mean come on, I'd rather watch Fooly Cooly than become successful any day. *rolls eyes*

On a side note:

Shaly let's get Chelsea and rent a house together.

Taylor: throw me down on the bed again, I liked it ;]

Don't get the wrong idea

No, I'm not in a bad mood, in fact, I feel pretty good right now. Besides the fact that I'm starving to death and I have papers to write and not enough time right now to type them (really there's only one). I've finished one assignment today and I will complete another tonight after I put Taylor to work by helping me put plastic on my one closet window today. Which reminds me, I want to clean my room again. I have that itch to design shorts again...tis I will do so when I find the time.

Hopefully I'll get home on time to pick up my room and get something to eat. Which also reminds me. Lately I've been craving bread and butter like insane. Yesterday for dinner I got some chili with two pieces of bread and butter and after I ate the bread and butter, I actually didn't want the chili, so I didn't eat it. Wierd bit of information for you. Maybe I am prenant...god I would start to question my sanity! Enjoy!

guess what

I've chosen a new topic for my paper. It's easier to just agree with America than to oppose it. So stfu bitches. I still hate you.

The clouds were beautiful this morning

Well, folks, I did it again. Like a bad re-run I some how managed to fail yet another Psychology test. I don't understand why this keeps happening! I studied and knew the terms! I made great guesses (he went over some on the overhead and I got THEM right!). Now what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't do extra credit and I can't make up tests. No matter how great I write a paper for English it gets wierd comments and I've never gotten full points on one yet. I think the only thing saving me from jumping off a mental bridge is my film and MATH grade. Can you believe it?!!? I get the results of my math test this afternoon. Somebody have mercy on my pititful soul.

This sucks, this seriously sucks, now I have to find a job (according to my mom) so my parents can"borrow" money from me. How am I supposed to do that when I'm usually busy all weekend and studying until late during the week? I need to find a more flexible schedule. Hopefully this winter will be more calm. But...I don't know what I'm going to do about my psy grade. I'll most likely need to retake it inorder for SVSU to take me in. Thanks to their "C or better" rule. I should have just started off there, even though it's more expensive, at least I knew with my high school grades I could've gotten in. Now my college shit is going to mess it up. Maybe I should just not even try and I'll pass a frickin' test. I'm such a fucking retard. I take notes and study them, participate in class and read my damn book. Still nothing. Bullshit, there has to be something wrong with what I'm doing.

At this rate, I might as well work at Aldi's fro the rest of my life and be a lonely old cat lady with no life. Sorry, myself esteem is really low right now. My acedemic writing sucks, psychology sucks, and even though I understand film (and I proved that yesterday in class) there isn't anything there to help me. Do I need to find an all new career. I'm really going to hear it from Ben when I hear he passed because he had God on his side. Whatever, I'm going to McDonalds for lunch, bitches.

I have a plan

As long as I can get my topic today (I already have) I can get an outline done by time I go to bed tonight. Then I can stay later at Delta tomarrow and I should be able to write and complete my 4-5 page paper. No sweat. I'm a master at BSing assignments.

My topic: Numerous studies have proven that smoking is harmful to our health. A variety of no-smoking policies are already in place throughout society. For example, smoking “anywhere, by anybody” is prohibited at Delta College. As a continuation of the no-smoking/public health movement, should smoking scenes be banned from movies?

I have pretty strong opinions on that matter, so an argumentive paper should be no sweat. But, which side should I support? Should there be smoking in movies? I don't see why not, it sets a mood. It can make an actor appear powerful or sly, but I have to admit that I wince a little when I see a favored actor/actress light up. I also can see how directors can go without smoking actors, they could drink or do nothing instead. Guess I just need more time to ponder on the subject. I'll think of something, I always do.

I'm done with my angry phase. My english teacher warned me I shouldn't write when I'm angry. Now I'm in phase two and I'm sad. :[ I just hate it when I feel like everyone is underestimating me. Especially family. The people who are supposed to know me the best don't even know me at all, they just know what I should be doing, in their opinion. I'm 18 so I should have a job and a car. Hell, throw in a baby and a mortage to, why not? I was never prepared before hand for these things, so why should I just wake up one morning and go "oh my, time to be independant!". I work my ass off and no one even knows. Eh, I gotta stop writing, I'm getting angry again...

He did say I was a ticking time bomb...

Last time I checked, I do believe that it said "Confessions of a girl named Melissa", and if I do recall correctly, my myspace blog said that this is MY blog and that I was going to say it as it was. It's not under my control if you misread or misinterpret what I write. It's not supposed to offend me if I offend you. This is my blog, especially since my name is Melissa, so I have that right to write whatever the hell I feel like. I am kinda short fused today, so my patience is low. I just wanna eat and take hot showers until my tensions go away. I warned everyone who found my blog that they may not like what I type. I can't control whether you read it or not. And quite frankly, my care meter is low.

You find it, read it, and don't like it? Too bad, I gave you your warning.

Would you light my candle?

Shannon's going to laugh her ass off when she reads this but, for christ sakes, just push me down if you wanna go down! Seriously, I want to lie on the couch with you just as much you do with me. It's just awkward trying to send you telepathic messages saying "I want you, damn it!". When my dad leaves, he leaves! We could throw a keg party without the keg or the party! It's cute how you don't make any major grabs at me either, especially when I expect you to. We own that chair now, by the way. Just like Juno. Hey, there's an image for everyone who has seen that movie. I have "panties" like that so if you're interested you'd better get a move on! Not to rush or anything, lol, we've got to find a place where we can honestly be alone without worries of parentals or others.

Studying ends with the word dying...

Slowly but surely, that's what's happening. There's no way that I can get a great nights sleep and just crack open the books. No, I played my little brothers video game for a few hours first. Hey, it's a gift, I saved the world, it's the most I can do. But after that, I put in my DVD and watched tutitorials and finally started to understand what my crazy film teacher goes on about. The DVD said I should read the book first, then watch the video, but I can't read things like that and honestly take it in. I viewed the thing for more than an hour at least. There's only so much you can intake (according to my psychology teacher) I should study a lil then do something entertaining, then go back to studying. Helps things to get recorded in long term memory. But the test on monday is on Psychology, not film, so really I should be looking that stuff up. Speaking of psychology, the study of the human mind, we are learning things that we can use on other people without them knowing that can inevidently work to my advantage...I should try that out.

Pretty sure I did terrible on my math test. Everytime I leave confident that I did well, I FAIL.Well, I've never failed a math test, but my last psy test was nothing to be admired. *cries and buries self alive*

Not to mention my dog, Peanut, just won't leave me alone. Always grabbing at my sleeve or licking my face while I'm trying to pay attention. He's outside now, for the second time in the last half hour. My law, bitches, my law.

Not to mention I've decided to cut my hair. I want it to be short like normal, but a different style. I set trends, not follow them. Time to be spontaneous!

Walmart: when there's nothing else to do

My friends and I are popular for taking simple supermarkets and turning them into amusement parks. And they are amusing. We've done everything from running around with blocks of cheese screaming "The time has come!", to going down the checkout lanes with card board TVs. And I do believe one of my friends fell asleep on a futon display. Don't remember who that was though...

Can't do much stupid stuff with my parents with me though. Well, sometimes my dad just adds on by encouraging me or influencing my behavior. Like today we were looking at hunting things (primarily because I didn't want to look at bedding with Judy) and we passed the doors that said
"employees only" you know the ones. Well, my dad dared me to go in, so I looked both ways
before I entered the dead zone, and I waltzed right in. Sure there was lots of fork lifts but nobody questioned me.
Guess I looked like I worked there or something. Employees only...bull shit. I own you all!

I didn't stay in there for long though, too much to do else where. My dad laughed his ass off every time I saw Hannah Montana. He loved the sound effects. Judy didn't think I honestly liked her. Boy was she wrong! It must have been gay night because there were guy couples and pairs everywhere. (I put feminine products in one of their carts and walked away). Fo shizzle my dizzle, bitches.

My dad was prowling around the store saying that he could sense Taylor's dad and (as long as he put Seniors face on his) he wouldn't stand a chance. I applauded from a dark corner of the clearance isle. Something really funny happened and I told myself to remember it, but now I can't. Heh, it'll come to me later.


After that, came Menards, which is latin for "Melissa's playground". I've never seen more LCD christmas lights anywhere else excluding Bronners. To make it even better, they played Prince over the loud speaker. So I took the liberty to make my own music video. You can use your imagination and think of me dancing and lip-syncing to "Raspberry Beret". Then when we left and went to Krogers, I stayed in the car and listened to my dads Prince CD with the bass boost up; glancing was in high demand.

Seriously though, it's past midnight, I'm cold, and my neck hurts. Life couldn't be better, haha.

Speed blogging! (an olympic sport)

Yep, cuz' I got fifteen minutes until my math test, which I'm going to bomb, btw. And NOT in the good way. Good news is I think I did well on my quiz...then again, every time I think I did good on a paper I bomb it. And NOT in the good way. Today I started my what I like to call: Project basement...pretty much exactly what it means. I'm going to revive the basement at my house back into the party palace it used to be before life took over. I have forbidden my cats to step foot down there and I started to wash the floor. If I find another sacred PS2 game on the floor and in no case, well, so help me.

Oh, apparently I'm pregnant now, so happy one year anniversary, baby! Here's a baby! Ironic how things turn out, huh?

Dale texted me while he was at school to ask if I was really pregnant, I just said "oh geez, I"m not even going to answer that!". Oh, and if I get asked out again by some loser, let me tell you, he'll be talking in a higher pitched voice for a long time. Hey, Shaly, call me about plans with Chelsea! *dies with anticipation* I want to run around the mall as Hannah Montana!!!! For god sakes!

All for now, more tonight, and wish me luck! *two thumbs up*

I'll be gone like yesterday

A familiar feeling rolled over me yesterday while I was sitting in class. When I felt it I was confused because I knew I wasn't sick, and wasn't going to be. I just ignored it, which wasn't hard to do since I had spent three years doing it in the past. I was nauseous, and today I had the same light sensation. Normally when I start to feel that it's because my iron level is too low. So, I eat alot of meat and stuff so I don't become anemic again.

Since I felt it yesterday, it was my instinct to eat what would make sure I would stay healthy. So dinner came around and I met up with my little brothers and my stepdad preparing their dinner. I saw what they were making and asked, "Dad, is there a reason we have been eating ramen and sandwiches for two days now?". Ofcoarse, there's no money for food. Why would there be? Good news is that today Chris actually decided to invent some kind of stew which actually smells incredible. Good thing to, because I was going to die if I didn't eat anything again. I don't eat at school (unless it's Tuesday) and I don't normally have time to eat before I have to go flag down a metro bus. And it's difficult to go to my dads for dinner everyday. (Something I did almost all of last week and the week before...if I am remembering correctly). Nice thing about my Dads' house is that he makes full meals everyday. Very rarely does he make too less of something or not at all.

Speaking of my father, I'm going to his house this weekend. Probably Thursday night, so I have more time to abuse his internet and try to get further in my little brothers game again. Hopefully Taylor can come over so we can abuse the couch, and if not, we'll abuse my weekend minutes. Either way, something's getting bruised.

Things have quieted down and I haven't gotten a curious phone call from my dad asking if I've heard from "Tigger" (a.k.a. Taylor) I couldn't apologize to Judy enough for everything that happened, she just said "You don't have to apologize, you didn't know anything was happening. I just can't believe that things like that actually happen in households." Ofcoarse, Judy's family gets along amazingly, so I'm not surprised she's in awe. It was like a Jerry episode.

If Taylor comes over, like he'd better, there's bound to be an awkward moment.

Meanwhile, I'm here broken

Yesterday, I went on a bit of rage. But it wasn't external until Nick was stupid and (with my mother right there) I called him a pain in the ass.

Today was much better (so far). Taylor was able to come over for a couple hours and although we didn't spend much time together together, it did mean alot fo me that he came over and was still alive. Not to mention he stopped me several times from killing my younger brothers friend. A complete asshole in training (josh is). And I did promise myself I would mention the pumpkin farm, which was fun as always. I watched lil children run in fear as the Copico Bank mascot chased them down the rows of pumkins (I high-fived it afterwards) and I pushed Josh into the goat cage. Which was also hilarious.

Today is also Kelseys birthday, but I can't go because there is a high chance that Matthew would be there, and although it would be a great chance to finally kill him, I must restrain myself. Tis' why I'm here at Delta on a Sunday while Kyle is in taking a math test. After this we will venture over to Great Wall and eat to our hearts content. Good thing to, cuz I'm starving.

Crap, I still have my two math assignments to do. Better get on that tonight. But then again, I don't have that class until Tuesday...naw, no more putting it off.

Good News!!!! I got my waterbed filled up! And my step father told Taylor that he can come upstairs because he "trusts him". That's good. He said that he didn't trust Matthew, which got my attention because he was the only one who didn't. Good thing to, because my mother still doesn't know that the real reason we broke up was because he was obsessed with me and wanted to marry and impregnate me right now. Like baby next year. I should have killed him on the spot. I can see that with Taylor, but Matthew was just crazy.

Speaking of Taylor, hopefully everything calms down and now that our relationship is on a 'contract' (a suggestion by the police) I really hope that nothing too crazy happens and I get thrown in jail because once it's a formal agreement on paper and signed, there's no excuse for him being late...or me for that matter...

Ofcoarse I had to laugh when my mom said that a contract can't stop us from having sex. So not what I expected her to say.

V-line

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the world today?

I'm not even talking about the environment or anything like that. I'm talking about people. The biggest mistake this planet ever made. The biggest mistake God ever made, if he did at all. We're sent down here to kill each other. There will never be peace.

My boyfriends parents are pricks and he acts like it's no big deal; acts like it doesn't effect me like it really does. How my entire day was ruined when I had to venture the woods alone. I literally walked into the woods on unmarked paths and climbed a tree and sat there for about half an hour before my dad called me wondering where I was. At least I know the spot worked, nobody found me. How his dads a complete jackass and now that my parents have a taste of it, they realize just how out of control the whole situation is.

The way my boyfriend talks about the whole thing makes me wonder if I'm going for a ride that I shouldn't be on. And now he tells me that he wanted me to get the internship to Disney World so that he couldn't see me for three months to see if he's honestly "obesessed" with me or not. I've had a boyfriend that was obsessed with me or not and I don't think Taylor is. But ofcoarse, my judgement isn't worth enough. LIKE IT EVER IS! What pisses me off is the fact that he said he wanted me to get the job because it was a great oppertunity to progress my career. Now I'm not sure who exactly to be pissed at. Taylor for being the way he is being (then again maybe it's just me, like always) or his fucktard parents who are slowly ruining the experience that love has brought me. Then again, maybe I'm just obsessed.

Good news is that my friend Kyle called me to see if I wanted to hang out tomarrow (I do). I told him what happened and he agreed that it was fucked up. So, he said that he was on his way with his dog, and we would go dog walking together. He came, we walked, we left. Thus my day ended and as I figure out exactly what's going on in this day and time, I find my anger increasing...

Restricted

I actually left class early today. I wasn't even watching the teacher, I was just sitting there catching up on my math work. Which I did, I got another assignment finished. I'll get another finished tonight and then I have the rest of the weekend to get the last one finished...and then I can start working on my next psychology project. Fun fun.
This morning was okay. I got to sleep in which was awesome. My phone rang at 7:14am but I didn't recognize the number so I simply put it to silent and said "If it's important they'll leave a voicemail". and they didn't, so the worlds not coming to an end apparently. To make things more interesting, the metro driver was a complete asshole this morning. I walked down to the station and paid my wage or whatever and he said for students the amount was 75 cents. So I gave him the extra quater. La di friggin' da. Ofcoarse he had to give me a dirty look even after I explained that I had only started riding on Monday. Then he kept the doors closed as people were in a rush to leave because buses were leaving. I couldn't believe it. Ah, well. Hopefully he's not there in a little bit.

I actually caught up in my written journal last night. I used alot of pages and still feel like I forgot some things. I was in a rush though, so yeah. I should probably get going though, I dont' want to miss my bus and get to spend more time sulking in my merryness. Haha. I have to figure out whats going on for tomarrows football game....no...I'll keep that comment to myself.

Ya know my number, love, call it.

I say it louder

I don't know why this week feels so different but I feel stressed, over tired, over worked, irritable, under appreciated, not to mention that nothing is going my way. As if it ever did.
I feel like the life is draining out of me. I'm working my ass off to make sure my homework gets done on time and yet it still gets marked to hell and back. I haven't been truely happy for a while and I feel like I'm missing out on alot of stuff. For example: today was Midland Marching Showcase, and ofcoarse, as if on cue, my ride never showed. Hell, she never even turned on her phone. God knows that if I want to get to the football game this friday that I will have to hang out at the highschool when it gets out. My parents make it a lifestyle to undermind me and critisize everything I do. It was really dark outside but all I wanted to do was go for a walk in the cold breeze; clear my mind, if possible. I wouldn't though, I could feel my anger rising. I have trouble letting things go, if you haven't noticed.

I've felt this way before, it's nothing new. I just have to make sure that depression doesn't take over. My psychology teacher actually said I was a "ticking time bomb", oh yeah, that's nice to hear. Then the other day when I was leaving my math class, my teacher pointed at me and said, "good luck to you" and continued to help another student. Why me? Today Ben slid his notebook over to me and he had written: "Is something wrong?" and I actually wrote a response that was more like an essay. Do I give off a vibe that something is wrong? Guess it's not hard to look miserable when you're sitting in a lecture for three hours and then have to wait 50 minutes for the stupid ass Metro, where I'll once again have to deal with more people I don't know.

I pretty much want to bury myself alive right now.

Half hour before class starts...

So I thought I would spend my time aimlessly typing and enlightening you all. :]

I'm frickin' starving right now. I didn't have time to eat breakfast, let alone even finishing drinking my coffee. I'll have to pull another late nighter tonight to. My dad is picking me up after school and we're going his house to eat dinner, do homework, do arrends, and basically not be at my moms house. He's got wicked fast internet now, so it's actually fun to be bored on the internet, although I guess that wouldn't make it boring.

Buddah slept with me again last night; right by my face the entire night. She's been doing this ever since she caught Taylor and I on my bed. Alaina has also been more affectionate towards me. She's thinking a few times before jumping up to my shoulders and the other day I volunteered to let her up, and she blew off the chance. Nice change. She's even following me around the house and waiting for me when I get home. Just like when she was a wee kitten. I'll have to pay attention to their...new personalities.

Fire plain

It's not that I'm so totally behind on my homework that I will never catch up to it. Infact, I should be completely fixed up by tomarrow night, if I work as fast as my mind does...
Well, discovered today that I won't be able to apply to Disney World this semester; good news is that Nick says they hire every semester. That's a relief.
I woke up this morning with my cat, Buddah, asleep on my chest. How she got there without waking me up I have no idea. I had stayed up late studying and doing homework, as I said before. So, I guess I must have slept like a rock. I was so tired when I went to bed that I didn't care about anything really. I simply took my jeans off and slept in my boyfriends hoodie and my underwear (or panties, whatever the other half the population calls them).
Woke up at 7am and prayed that it was Fall Back day, or whatever, I needed that extra hour of sleep. But, alas, I sulked out of bed and into my freezing room, ran for pants (haha), and dragged my dead body down the stairs. Remember my brothers dead truck? Yeah well the metro sucked ass. We waited for it for 45 minutes outside. (I entertained my self by dancing and singing Willy Wonka songs). And Nick paid $3 for the dial ride to take us three blocks to the station. I was like "are you fucking serious?" Not to mention that a few more minutes and I would have been late for class. With that same bus tomarrow, there's no way I'll get to class on time.
It was nice to get to see SVSU though. I can't wait to go there. I was a bad kid though. I didn't put my 60 cents in the change collector on the bus, I just walked by it. They have to earn my money, bitches.
Guess it's time for me to grow up and jump that fence...

In my world the rain falls up...

None of my friends, especially my boy friend, seem to understand why I hate crying. None of my friends know just what my childhood was like either, especially my boyfriend.

I'm not going to say that I led a bad childhood. I was just mentally older than I really was, and had to work to make our family work. I had divorced parents that hated each other, and still do; along with an angry, falling apart step father. My step siblings were hardcore rebels, and only one of them made it out of highschool without children and a diploma. My blood siblings, Nick and April, were prodigies. Straight "A's" with driving licenses and college degrees.
Then there's me. A good, unhealthy mixture of the two parts of the family. A rebel with good intentions and no motivation. Guess that's what I get for being the middle child with a sick sense of humor and style. I saw that the older siblings got away with ALOT, and the younger two get ALOT. I guess that's where my jealousy issues first came from. Here's a secret for you: try going through elementry school as a bi sexual. Not easy. Especially when your best friend and girl friend rely souly on your parents to see each other. Once Jamies parents and mine got in one single fight, we never saw each other again. It's been six years. I'm not like that now, though.

I've always had a few friends that I've had that really stick with me though. Even if we never see each other anymore. Heather and John for instance. I love those two hardcore. I never see Heather anymore, and John only calls me when he's out in the middle of nowhere being a designated driver for his minor friends. Then he'll call me at 11pm and we'll talk until the sun comes up. Those are the best conversations ever. I could tell anything to Heather. I met Heather in Preschool, then when I switched to Auburn Elementry for grade school, we temporarily lost contact, until a Girl Scout convention brought us back together. Then our friendship was like a wild fire. We only talk through email and never look each other in the eyes when we do meet...we know too much.

Growing up in Auburn...was great. It taught me that I don't need alot of people, or things, to be happy. I took little things forgranted, even though I never abused the privledge. I LOVED waking up at 9:30 am just to jump into our pool at 10am. I LOVED running through the cornfield and traspassing onto the farmers property. I LOVED being able to ride my bike the speed limit and play with the neighbors. Drive their go-cart, climb their tree, play hide and seek, pet the cats, tease the dogs, catch frogs, corner squirrels, and most of all, I loved the freedom that I had. I was always blissfully unaware. Unaware of my parents monetary issues, unaware that I did something illegal or beating the crap out of a kid was bad. Unaware that my world was about to completely change. Forever.

I can still remember crying in my old bedroom, angrily packing my belongings, then Matthew would come up and put his hands on my shoulders, promising to make things better. But in the end, that all we have, isn't it? Promises. Ten years ago, I had the sun in the sky, and the world at my feet; and now, I have promises: kept, broken, and in process of being broken...

What People don't know is that I actually cry alot. Sometimes, at night when I can't sleep, I'll cry for no apparent reason. I'll literally cry myself to sleep. And I don't tell anyone, no one needs to know, they can't help. Why would they? Right, because they care. To them, for all they know, I'm stronger than that, so they don't have to worry. They don't have to care. Because all they know is that I don't cry. My tears never fall down, they only fly up to my mind where they gather and create a wall. This is how I see things now. Rather depressing that I once thought anything was possible and now I feel useless in almost every manner.

Every manner except for you...

Up in smoke

Wow, nobody would have expected this to happen.

Nick and I were driving home from Delta today when we smelled something abnormal. I brought it up first and I described it as that smell that cap guns give off. Kinda...smoke-ish. We got to the four way stop over by Monitor township and we noticed that the car was starting to become glazed with a grey mist. Nick pulled over at the insurance company and popped the hood. He told me to get out and open it. Now I'm not stupid. I took shop class in high school and was taught that no matter how much, or how less, the engine is smoking never open the hood. You could burn your hands. It was better to just call the fire department. So, I refused to open it, and ran across the street to the fire department. When I got there, the door was locked, so I ran to the hall. Inside I was allowed into the fire department where I was almost ran over by the fire chief. He told me to wait because he had to respond to a call about a car on fire right outside. I said that that was why I was there. He got in a truck and drove it over to Nicks car across the street, which was now totally engulfed in smoke. I ran across Midland street and walked infront of the car. You couldn't even see inside the car, there was just smoke billowing inside. I hoped that everything inside would be okay; my back pack was still in there!

I stood back from the car as the firemen were starting to spray the hood with water. A guy pulled me closer to the insurance building and we starting talking about what happened. He pointed out that there was something dripping under the car. I told him the car was a piece of crap; probably just melting rubber. Then the puddle of mysterious melty stuff caught on fire and spewed up flames from the bottom of the car. I went in the building and watched as the fire fighters fought to keep the flames down. I saw Nick inside, I went and sat by him. "Finally have an excuse to buy a new car, huh?" I said, he just replied "uh huh." Don't think he was in the mood for my humor relief.

The fighters couldn't even get the hood opened...so they forced it open. That's when I saw my step sister, Cathy. She said she was driving by and saw nicks truck on fire, so she stopped to see if everything was okay. She left after my step dad arrived. Then, when I was carrying my not-so-lovely-smoke-smelling back pack to my step dads truck, my ex girl friend, Ashleys' parents stopped by to see if everything was okay. That visitation only lasted a few minutes, once they saw that we all had rides and were safe. The fire calmed down and the poor dead truck lay there. Even more black and charred then before, it rested in...almost peace.

Way to go out with a bang.

My angry look is NOT cute

>:[
This weekend is the weekend of the underground film fest Hell's Half Mile, I am required to go because of my film class. I really have no problem with it, just an excuse to finally go to a movie with Taylor. Which we are doing, whether he likes it or not. Then on Sunday we will spend the day at state park and then retreat to my dads house to have some personal time on the couch. I'm pretty much screwed though. (no, not in the good way). In the way where I have three math assignments and no motivation, and tomarrow two more will be assigned. No worries, I'll get them all finished even if it's the last thing I do! *Determination*
Not only that, but now I get to go to Homecoming! Yep, Taylors parents actually signed the visitors pass and now I get to wear my fave blue dress and get my hair done all fancy. It'll be a fun way to blow lots of money!