Dope - Gaga always comes through right when I need her most

 

When Lady Gaga performed this live, she started crying and could barely sing. She became very emotional, and so did I. 

http://youtu.be/1iSd_wTuA3U


[Verse 1]
Cork's off, it's on
The party's just begun
I promise this
Drink is my last one
I know I fucked up again
Because I lost my only friend
God forgive my sins
Don't leave me, I
Oh I will hate myself until I die

[Chorus]
My heart would break without you
Might not awake without you
Been hurting low, from living high for so long
I'm sorry, and I love you
Sing with me, "Bell Bottom Blue"
I'll keep on searching for an answer cause I need you more than dope

[Post-Chorus]
I need you more than dope
Need you more than dope
Need you more than dope
I need you more than dope

[Verse 2]
Toast one last puff
And two last regrets
Three spirits and
Twelve lonely steps
Up heaven's stairway to gold
Mine myself like coal
A mountain of a soul
Each day, I cry
Oh, I feel so low from living high

[Chorus + Post-Chorus]

[Outro]
I need you more
Need you more
I need you more than dope

You said you did

I don't know if it was because she was drunk, or maybe, finally, talking to me on a level I'd never reached with her before. Molly said she had recently considered suicide. She said it'd been so hard lately, that she almost drove out into an intersection. How easy she thought it would be, to just get it over with. She looked at me like it was nothing. I felt the same way.

"I thought about it recently too," I said. "I thought 'I could drive my car off this bridge', but I might survive. But on a motorcycle, well, my chances of dying are increased with that."

"Exactly!" she said like we finally connected. "But what about insurance? Especially if I failed and lived. I couldn't make Dan deal with the increased rates." Insurance rates, that's why my best friend was still alive. My inability to buy a motorcycle right now, was that why I was still alive? Was Armani a reason I am still alive right now? I fought to keep him alive as a kitten it would be rude for me to take life away from myself. But for a while there I thought I was going to die. Work was great, school was great, my friends are supportive and my family is getting along for the moment. But my heart felt lifeless. I was living for myself, and I was not worth it. I thought about boxing some of my stuff up and giving them to friends to hang on to "in case something happened". In case one morning I just didn't wake up, in case my chest pains were too much one day, in case an accident really did occur, in case I died.

It scared me how much sense it made to me. It made sense to kill myself. I just thought "What else would make the pain go away? What would bring me peace?" Where's my mind now? Not sure. Not even sleep knows where I am.

Frank has been acting strange. He doesn't touch me anymore. There's no passion. There's no playing. There's no love when I get in his car, but merely a glance and raised eye brows. He won't cut the cord from his parents and wants to be with them more than he wants to be with me. He's 32 and choosing them. Not that you can't choose your parents, but you can't work on your relationship when you're constantly choosing them over your girlfriend. I suggest a romantic holiday so we can FINALLY get some time alone. He tells me no because he'd rather go with his parents, because they pay for everything. Well, good luck having sex and reproducing with your parents.

Where's the hand on my waist that I used to love so much?

Molly's tried getting the hint across. She said she went up to him when he was avoiding me when we were at a bar for a friends birthday party this past weekend and said, pointing at me across the room, "Look at your beautiful woman over there, Francis, you should have your arms around her right now, go give her a big kiss." he simply replied "Oh yeah?"

Then later when I was third wheel to his convo my cousin said, "Frank you're lucky, you've got the supermodel girlfriend, fun and thin." He simply looked at me and smiled. Yeah, don't hurt yourself showing affection. It's terrible to let people know you're straight and love me. At least you said you did.

I tried to talk to him about it when he took me home. He tried to avoid it the whole time. At my back door he held me and didn't let go. Such a nice embrace, I felt him for once. Felt his warmth, how solid he was. It was either a hug to reassure me he loved me, or a goodbye hug. It might've been a goodbye hug, if I had my motorcycle.

Bad Dreams

It's been a rough week. No, not rough, but not good. Not not good but still bad. It's been a week.


My mom showed me what Alex had been saying about me on Facebook. That I used him, that it was all my fault, that I was immature, not brave or strong, that I wasn't independent and going no where with my life. And how he couldn't wait to start his new life, and that he was happy.

I was pissed.

How can I use someone who's 5000 miles away? I always took care of him while he was here, never accepted his money offerings (although sometimes he would just send it anyway) and I gave him things he could never possibly give me. I worked hard to give him the body he always wanted a female partner to have, and yet he didn't seem to want to work towards giving me the male one I wanted. How can I not be moving forward with my life? I'm graduating soon, earning my writers certificate, have another chance at getting something published, finding a second job, getting my motorcycle license, volunteering and even had my picture taken to help advertise pet adoption events.

Alex had this five year plan that HE HIMSELF made. He never asked for my input or thoughts. He never considered what I wanted while making it. But it was my fault when he could no longer go through with it. He's a control freak. Not to mention when we broke up he sent all our mutual Facebook friends a message saying that I left him for another guy and even called my MOM at work! It was no ones business! Maybe I should send his friends a message saying how bad at sex he is? How I never got anything out of that. My ex Taylor was better than him and we hadn't even had real sex!

Once the flames of my wrath died down (my mom described it as 'fueled by anger' not far from the truth) I found myself checking my moms Facebook almost everyday to make sure the conversation between them died. I pretended to be her a few times to talk to him and help him realize things. But things he says to my mom are different from what he says to me. He told her (me) that he is miserable but puts on a brave face. He misses and loves me and hopes that someday we can be together again. That I "changed" and that I wasn't the girl he once knew.

I told my mom that when we broke up Alex told me he didn't want anything to do with me. No friendship, no communication, no anything. So I told her that includes her, she's a part of ME. Therefore he can't keep in touch with her and "have his cake and eat it too". As he said I was doing several times.

I send out for university info from colleges in Florida and Hawaii. Warm places I know Frank can transfer to and would like to live. Some times I find myself wondering if I should be with Alex. I do still love him and feel as if I've lost something great - even given all the above. It'd be easier to pay for college with him but I remember being bored with him as well. Usually when I get back with an ex it's never what I expect it to be and I'm just disappointed. Would this be the same? Or is the hurt that much more painful because I'm fighting what is supposed to be?

God, I love that asshole.

 

 

 I remember England. I remember the green hills that made you feel like the world was flat and that there was no more beyond the peaks. The narrow twisty roads that looked like a two year old designed them. The stone buildings and the high fashion. How children ran around the super market because it was safe enough to do so, not to mention people never watched where they were pushing their carts - ahem - trolleys, so you were constantly dodging them for the sake of living to see another day. The wind. The rain. The clouds. How a high sixties day was considered nice. No.

I was not an English girl. I was most definitely an American girl.

I loved wide open roads and eighty degree days. Canoeing and tubing. I loved being able to drive everywhere and seeing the sun everyday. Alex said if I moved there I'd be a commodity. People would love to hire me because I'd be different. I would be good for business. But from my experience no one can understand me when I talk.

Me in Subway: "Pickles."
Guy making sandwich: "What? Onions?"
Me: "No, pickles."
Guy: "Cucumber?"
Me: "Yes, because that's exactly what pickles sounds like."
Guy: "Okay,"
Me: "I will murder you in your sleep."
Guy: "Huh?"

I suppose that could be a plus.

But now I find myself at a crossroads. I'm heart broken. Heart broken because I feel for an American man. So I lost more than England, I lost Alex. He gave me another chance, but I refused to leave Frank. And why would I? I'm tired of being alone for months at a time. Frank hasn't done anything terribly wrong yet. Besides chaining me down saying I can't get my motorcycle license or another tattoo. A part of me thinks that's just what I need. Someone to tell me no. But at the same time that makes me feel like I'm trapped and am being punished for no reason. When really Frank loves me and doesn't want me to get killed by a driver ("It's not you, its the other drivers"). And tattoos are addictive and I don't want to go crazy with them, but I've been researching this one for about a year now and I'd really like it. It's text and it would go on the inside of my arm. It's a curse that was inscribed in a pharaohs tomb.

"As for all men who shall enter this my tomb...impure...there will be swift judgement...an end will be made for him...I shall seize his neck like a bird...I shall cast the fear of myself into him."

Lots of double meanings in there too.

But that tattoo is an attempt to distract myself from what's really bothering me. What caused me to have a proper emotional break down. Cut my hair, looking for a drastic change. A motorcycle license to enhance my edginess. Anything to potentially cause self destruction. I've taken an offensive role in hockey and have gotten some requests to join roller derby teams. I'm a tough girl. The only thing that can kick my ass is the emotions from that man. Alex. The man bringing me to my knees and he's not even talking to me anymore. I refuse to take our picture off the entertainment center. And no one has asked me too. I'll take it down when I'm ready. If that day ever comes.

What have I done? I knew what I was doing when I did it. What about our travel tree? How devoted that man was. How loyal and faithful, and all he ever wanted to do was care for me and make my dreams come true. And breakfast in bed (the fastest way to ruin my morning).

I still speak to his Mum on facebook. Trying my best to figure things out and keep in touch. I emailed his work email and he didn't even respond to that. But I knew that wouldn't conjure any results. I've shattered him. And now I'm shattering myself. I'm a shell of who and what I used to be. A broken spirit. I feel dead already. I've thought of suicide. A thought I haven't had since Taylor and I broke up. Not killing myself, but what if I did die? What would I be missing out on? Nothing. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Even with Frank, which will probably end up in heart break or divorce someday.

There's no such thing as soul mates. But merely someone who can make us happy. At least for the time being.

I closed the passenger side door and looked at him over the top of the car. He looked back, unaware. "Why do you always do that?" I asked, clearly frustrated.
"What?" He asked.
"At the end of every night you always say something to ruin it."
"I don't know," he said, meeting me on the sidewalk. "I guess I just like confrontation." Frank didn't seem to grasp the idea that I wanted a guy to be sweet and loving and everything I ever needed. All his ex's that I knew of seemed to be what I would call 'tramps'. And why did he have so many single friends with kids? Why did he go out of his way to take care of these other women's children?

Molly said I was immaculate compared to girls he was used to hanging out with and dating. She said he was intimidated by me. My cousins warn him not to fuck it up. Or else. And he knows better than to do so. But sometimes I wonder why he acts the way he does. Why he openly checks out other women, how he can ignore me on the couch when I purposely wore what he asked me to.

Since Frank's an only child he still lived with his parents and why not? He had no reason not to. He was going to inherit everything and didn't have a gf to live with or kids. He had lived on his own before; he had a house in the Florida Keys, until a hurricane washed it away and he came back to wonderful Michigan. He had a million stories to tell and he was interesting, which is what fuels my patience. What will happen when the patience runs out? What will happen when my heart can't take anymore?

The girl with Gold on her lips

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be around him. I need his scent and kiss. Even if it tastes like alcohol over half the time.

Alex is a blessing. I'm not sure how I was lucky enough to get a man like him. He's a great supporter and would be a great father. He loves me unconditionally and would always be faithful. He's a good guy playing a good guy. Hard working and successful. A man any woman would be grateful for.
His family loves me and everyone wants us to get married and for me to move far away. But it's easy for them so say. They're not the ones leaving behind their friends and family. Their home town and risking everything. It's a Cinderella story, but am I really a princess?

The American man who is somehow successfully pulling me away from Alex is my very definition of masculinity. Guns, cars, beer, he travels the world and he's a good man. My cousins and best friends all encourage it - in an effort to not lose me. And he's almost ten years older than me. Which itself is a turn on as my love for older men has done nothing but blossom into a must. He was a rambler but is now ready to settle down and have a family. Find a woman who is marriage material. Which is swears is me. I'm marriage material. His family loves me, he can support me, he travels and has family all over the world. He's a good man, and loves kids. He'd be a great father and a loving husband.

So what am I to do? I have developed feelings that have caused me to tell Alex not to propose, again. To postpone, again. Again. What am I doing?

"Am I doing the wrong thing?" I asked my brother Cody, who had no idea what I was talking about. "What if I'm doing the wrong thing?"

"What if you're not?" He said simply. I paused. Yeah, what if I'm not?

Molly was thrilled when I told her Frank kissed me. I thought she was going to slap me. I was almost afraid.

"I'm so sorry!" I said, "I know you told me not to but I didn't exactly know it was coming!"

"Are you kidding, Mesa? This is great! I knew it!"  She was happy. "What are you going to tell Alex?"

My favorite recent question. "I'll tell him the truth." Like it was ever that simple. Molly nodded, and smiled.

A couple days later I told Alex I was going riding with Frank. Alex said: "Remind me to buy Frank a beer next time I'm there. He's a nice guy keeping an eye on you."

He is a nice guy, isn't he?

Molly tried explaining it to me. Kyle tried explaining it to Ryan. Molly said I was beautiful and had a matching personality. She said I was easy to fall in love with. Kyle said  I have a tendency to fall in love/ like with guys while dating other guys and when there's a break up I jump right into another relationship. Sure when I'm treated like crap.

Alex was different. He never treated me bad. He loves me honestly and fully. He's loyal and faithful to a fault and never lies. He's got money and an education; skills beyond that of men around my home land. And yet there's one thing missing. That edge to the knife, the thing that keeps me begging...

I texted Francis: "Game night. You. Me. Pool table. If you catch my drift." I didn't know that his father had his phone at the time. He took the phone out to Frank, who was mowing the lawn. "This girl rates." He said handing the phone over.

I got the story from Frank a couple days later when we were at the casino with his family. "What's that mean?" I asked him.

"It means my parents love you."

***

 



I walked up to Franks house. His house was older, his back yard held five or so cars - most of which didn't run, but all collectible. A familiar sight for me, my back yard mirrored it. His father sat on the back porch. I approached him. He was stroking a gray cat. "What a beautiful cat." I said, sitting next to him, also petting it. "Gray cats are my favorite.".

"Really? Mine too, this is Smokie." My eyes lit up. "Wow he likes you!" He said as Smokie came up and rubbed against me. "Usually he runs away." I lovingly stroked the cat. Such a beautiful and soft creature. Frank popped his head out the backdoor, asking if I was coming in. I said sure. His house was quaint. Antique fridge, antique stove, antique everything. My first thought was "cute but would need to be updated if raising children." At that moment I didn't know that I'd be with him til one in the morning on the couch. It wasn't long enough.

He's a strong man. Tall and well built. Blue eyes, Aryan, and had his sight locked on me. He's rare, and probably has an opinion about everything but has the ability to sit quietly instead of entering a debate. He stays near always keeping an eye out if I need him. I hired him as my body guard after a drunk topless friend kept hitting on me.

He's feared and respected in the group. His life is an entire mystery. No one really knows what he does. We believe he lives a life very similar to Fast and the Furious. He's conscious about his appearance and drives classic cars. He wears large gemstone rings and always has a gold chain around his neck. He was a character. And I love characters.

I also love his hand on my waist.

"All I know about Frank is he cares about his looks and likes cars, other than that he's a complete mystery. But around you he opens up and is very talkative. It's like you two always find something to talk about. And that's something I've never seen before, and I've known Frank for years." Molly said as we circled Jacks Fruit Market. I loved talking to Frank, mostly making him tell me exciting stories about his life.

("Dan told me you jumped off a second story roof to escape danger." Frank disagreed and I made a disappointed face.

"It was three stories." Frank without missing a beat. My face lit up in amazement.)

Now I jump for my phone when I get a text, and I can't wait to go to game nights and bon fires. He usually never showed up until at least 10:30pm but now he gets there while it's still light out. People are amazed and do their chant: "FRANK THE TANK! FRANK THE POPE!"

He opens a beer and sits, not by me, but just behind, ever in his watchful eye.

Good Riddance

I was tired; exhausted actually. I could hear a voice but was it real? What was it saying? "Are you awake?" yes I can hear you. But my body didn't respond, I couldn't wake up to look up. I couldn't tell if I was still dreaming or if someone was in my room trying to wake me up. Silence and a what felt like an hour later I heard my door again, this time I was able to look. My mom taped a note to my door and left. What did it say? I didn't have the strength to find out and soon was back asleep.

The muscles in my body ached. My step sister had slapped me and I socked her back. That turned into a wrestling match which ended with me pinning her to the living room floor, strong enough to rip the hoodie she was wearing. "You need to CALM DOWN!" I yelled at her. She called me foul names, something I'm used to hearing from her daily. "You do NOT act like this in my mothers house!" I yelled.
"Your moms?" she said
"Yeah, MY moms!" Senior took this chance to say it was his house too - he was enjoying the show from his chair, my mom crying had left to the kitchen.
"It was MY moms house first."
"Actually it was Nicks house first." she added. She tried to grab my shirt but couldn't reach it and kept struggling to get away but my body was stronger than hers and she resorted to pulling hair, which didn't phase me. "I'm not letting go until you do." she said finally. I told her to let go but she repeated herself and added "I'll just keep pulling harder." I rolled my eyes, pulling hair doesn't hurt. I paused for a moment and let go of her, with a final push she jumped up and away from me, fixed her hair and went back to sitting on the couch. I looked for my mom but she had left so I went back upstairs.

She had underestimated my strength. I don't work out just for the bikini privledges. I might not be a good fighter but I'm good at defending - and I got the situation under control. Alex had been waiting on webcam and wanted to know what just happened. I explained and was very loud in my insulting. My mom came up a little bit earlier to see if I was okay. I was. I had been expecting a punch for a couple days - and all I got was a head slap. Long story short my mom said it'd be best if I moved out - that it just wasnt working out. She was crying and I said my friend Kyle would take me in and she was pleased with that.

I had used a lot of strength to win the physical situation. Every muscle felt it but at least I know that I can depend on my strength in such situations. Cathy packed and left the house with her two daughters at one in the morning, and she wasn't quiet about it. Good riddance.

Before she left senior came up to my bedroom (where I was packing) and apologized and said he'd try to work it out with my mom but to not move out. "Stay," he said, "I've raised you since you were two, you owe me this much. Don't leave." Then he turned and left, after kissing my forehead. I looked around helplessly and confused. I already had half my stuff packed and people on stand by to help me move. What now?

The note my mom had taped to my door said to text Senior when I woke up. I did and he said he wanted to have dinner just him and I so we can talk. So that's what we're doing tomorrow. Honestly, I was planning on staying at my moms for another year when I'd be getting married and moving to England. But I'll probably still move to Kyles. It would be a lot less stressful and I don't feel comfortable here at home anymore. Getting attacked in your living room does that. I guess we'll see how dinner goes tomorrow.

Sheesh, fights are a great way to stay in shape.

Exciting News!

New Thunderbird Series set to come out 2015! A big thanks to the Japanese who decided to share their beautiful recreation of the traditional Thunderbirds. Completely loyal to the original series the new set up contains the original characters in newly hand crafted puppets *ahem* marionettes on a whole new collection of adventures!

And guess who is friends with not only one of the on set creators but also plays as the model for none other than Jeff Tracy's hands on close up shots? This girl! I am so blessed for the people I have met on Fanderson <3 p="">

 

The latest news on the series is that it will be hitting the UK first and if it makes it big (which it probably will - rumor has it that the same creators of Avatar will be the ones making the special CGI effects) then it will be sent out world-wide! Release is still 2015 though. But for me that's good news because by then I'll be moved there.

FAB!!