New Years Resolutions

This is my 08-09 post :3


Well folks, this is it, the end of the year we matriculated! In a little over 24 hours time, our high school woes will be forever buried. Forever gone behind us...and this time...it'll stay down. (we have diplomas to prove it!). I'll make this short and to the point, mostly because I have better things to do. Better WRITTEN things to do...I haven't figured it out yet, as normal, but I will come up with a New Years Resolution and actually stick to it. Usually I don't because I forget. But not this year! (It'll probably be to not become pregnant!) In all seriousness, maybe I'll grow up...but then where's the fun in that?!

A little off topic...Matthew (my ex...remember?) actually responded to my message on myspace asking for my Prom and graduation pics and videos. He told me (with bad grammar, spelling and capitalization...a give-a-way sign that he wasn't happy to hear from me) that he had given Nick 2 discs a week or so ago with all that on there. I turned in my seat to glare at Nick...that's when he said that he tried to give them to me, but simply forgot. Well, at least now I have them. God knows what Matthew had done to them. Matthew said that he found them while throwing "shit" out. I replied with "Hm, I never threw anything away, but okay." I thanked him for the discs and asked if he could give back my stained glass I made him and NOT to throw it away. (I made up a lie that I need the thing for my college arts class). Which could be true, if I had a college arts class. Well, chilin's, we'll see how this goes. I'll keep you updated, once I get updated. As for me, I hope those discs actually work on nicks little portable DVD player. Hell, DVDs don't even work on it anymore. Only my MP3 disc does and now that I have my stereo working, there's no need for it. Love you all, happy new year!

I'll live in a house the color of sand...

With big open rooms that are still cozy. Warm colors, and a big mantle fireplace with a mirror above it, similar to my mothers. Two stories and a worthy basement. A two car garage and a big back yard. An open staircase and nice wood floors. Big windows that look out to the back yard and a nice sliding glass door. Long flowing white curtains that dance in the breeze and a big window that opens in the bedroom. For that a Queen size pillow top mattress bed with a big wooden headboard. And in my bed, I want Taylor. I choose him above all others, for longer than forever. I know he knows it, and feels it. He's the one I want to risk it all with. I've learned to not be an open book for my own safety, but with him, I feel I need to be. I've always felt like that with Taylor, even before I fell in love with him. I'm tired of writing about my past. I know too much about myself to sit quietly in the dark without making a comment into the silence. I cry too much about things that I cannot change, and probably wouldn't. The scars my past gave me scare me away from trying new things and even allowing me to trust people who I know I can; all because one or two people screwed up my idea of the concept. My job as a writer is to portray my feelings through my own writing, my characters; and as I over read what I had written in Believe, I know my character is me, I have feelings for her, and it's because of that that when she goes through something that I have, I cannot find the words to properly portray the moment, because I don't want to relive it. But I've decided just recently to switch up the plot a little bit for better understanding of what she/ I are/have gone through. (As confusing as that sounded). And I've noticed something else: in some scenarios it is easier to write through the aspect of a male character, even though all of mine are female. Probably because I may not know what goes through a males mind, but I know what I want to go through a males mind, and I've found out through my own research, that it is the same thing. Look for me on the books shelves at Barns n' Nobles, for that is where I'll be, when Taylor and I move to our house the color of sand.

Brown and Gold; never again.

The other day, April was holding her new baby boy, R.J.. I always sat next to her and beheld the wonder before me. I had seen April throughout her pregnancy and became closer to her. I felt connected to the new child in a way I wasn't with my other nieces and nephews. I loved him. Then, for the first time in little R.J.'s life (and mine) he looked at me. Something deep inside me moved as our eye contact held. "That's your aunt Mel," April told him. I gently looked at him, his blue eyes were so deep. Absolutely the deepest I've ever seen. I wanted to cry the more I looked him over. I wanted to hold and carry him. I wanted to take and love him. But alas, I smiled at him and, to my surprise, he smiled at me and April smiled and I knew this was different. This was new and I was actually a part of it. Witnessing a mothers love and my own maternal instincts. April and Ryan prepared to feed him, and once the trance was broken, I was content with sitting next to April. After my father and Judy's christmas party (I finally got a winter coat), I asked if April and Ryan could give me a lift home. Duh, yeah they could. I took the liberty of carrying everything of theirs (and mine) out to their car and getting it started up for them and the baby. After that, I waited for Ryan to get in the car and we left for my house. On the way I told April and Ryan about Taylor and his home front. We laughed at the "Ticking time bomb" remark my psy teacher made and said goodbye. I walked in the house and was yelled at concerning whether or not I did my chores. Well, happiness has a short expiration date, and that's what I have learned and have to deal with.

I want her to look beautiful, if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Christmas morn...was actually good. My two younger brothers came rapping on my door at 7a.m., trying to pry me from my warm nest, only to fail again. I slept half heartidly until about ten thirty when I dragged myself out of bed and down the stairs. Cody and Logan had broken tradition and opened their gifts, whatever, tradition sucks. I asked Cody what he got, he answered (with little enthusiasm) board games and some DVDs. Poor dude, I smiled, that meant that maybe this year mom and senior had thought about us older kids. I went to the kitchen where I got some coffee and mom made me sit down with nick and open gifts. I hate opening gifts in front of people. I feel like their judging me for the reaction they want. That's why I always start with gifts from people who aren't there or in the room. My aunt got me a Hannah Montana t-shirt which I was ecstatic about, and it actually fit, so I wore it. I received some garnet jewelry, like I do every year, a new purse, and other odds and ends which I can't remember. Ha ha. From my step father I received a sword, which my mom didn't approve of but he laughed and was glad that I liked, no, loved it.

From there I helped with baking and made some homemade chocolates with Logan. My mom said that it was good to hear us laughing together. Really I was making fun of Logans version of Santa. We baked til' there was nothing left to do. Then we cleaned and such. I was still disappointed that we didn't have a big breakfast like we normally do. Tradition sucks anyways. We had a big turkey dinner that was delish, of coarse. Cookies, fudge, pie...typical Christmas things. But that night when I went to bed, thanking whomever for a good Christmas, I was extremely lonely and needed someone to talk to. I texted people, hoping I wasn't interrupting anything Christmas related. Really, I was craving a convo with someone like Shannon or Taylor. Somebody I loved who could tell me how great their Christmas was. Nathan would have to do, especially since I can't talk to Jeffy without him hitting on me, or Kristen without her getting hostile on me, I thought about calling John. Somebody I could truly call at anytime of the night for a laugh and reminisce our childhood, then make a promise to get together, then never do. I didn't; I miss him though. I'll have to call and wish him a happy 2009 new year. Which is also right around the corner. Good thing I bought some new DVDs to watch at my dads. Time for me to find an imaginary friend to talk to. Alaina came to sleep with me last night. She must have known that the wind scared me and I hated being alone with such noise.

Alone...

Now angels are falling from your skies

I'm beginning to think that I'm quite possibly the most complicated person currently living on this planet (Earth). Maybe not person, per say, don't want to take too much credit, but maybe one of the most complicated girls. I want what every girl wants. Except I think the whole "Prince Charming" thing is a little cheesy. I want a guy (male) who respects, loves, cares and stays faithful to me. Not a simple thing to ask for. That's why I was glad when I found Taylor. He's all of that and more. But, I feel like I'm the one walking in a thick fog. I never know what goes on in his life, while I tell him about mine in complete detail, and I'm not sure if I'll ever understand his way of thinking. From my point of view it seems like he thinks he needs to be the ground God. He needs to make a difference in every females life, no matter what. He tells me things that I don't understand. He's ready to settle down (unlike normal males his age) but he feels the need to get close enough to girls that I think he's cheating. That's what he says. Then reasure me that he's not. I know he's not. The thought of him cheating hasn't occured to me...guilty conscience on his end? The only thought that I have thought was that he would leave me for someone he saw everyday, that his parents liked so that he could see her more often. I don't like the feeling of being threatened and the more he reasures me he's all good, the more reckless I feel. I want to take charge and tell him to change his ways, I can't exactly see a happy marriage with somebody who keeps running to girls houses at all hours of the night and day making them feel better while I'm trying to make children feel better.

Sure, this may just be a phase (that's what I keep telling myself) but I always plan my future now, and I need to know that it will be a dependable one. I've had to think about myself in the past several times, but I'm tired of that. I would like him to starting thinking about me, us maybe. I don't want to lose our life, because he keeps making everyone elses livable.

Water Bullet

The lake is still,
No life in sight.
Yet the surface breaks,
Life does not take.
The small ripple grows larger,
Starting from so small,
It had no leader,
No leader at all.
It was alone in the beginning,
So random in thought,
It followed the water and found what it sought.
Water bullet cast your spell,
Cast it my way.
I need help to find the path that you so easily stride.
I’m lost on a lake, full of ripples
I need to find the one path to take,
That will lead me to my shore.
Your ripple grows larger still,
The size of the lake you are.
You found the shore,
Showed me the way.
But I decided to skip my shore,
And cast my spell out to bay.
Where another soul sits,
Watching my ripple,
Watches it guide their way to shore.
Will they take the path I offer?
Or will they too go out to bay,
To help another?

It's beginning to look alot like...January

I can't very easily express how happy I am that winter break is here. On the last day of my community course, I stood out in the hallway with Ben, he said "so, this is it, huh?" You see, Ben isn't going to Delta next semester; he's going to a place in Midland that is basically a branch of Delta. Probably better that way, since he's 40 minutes away from Delta. Ben reached down and hugged me, then reached over me to hug Cailey, our other groupie. Cailey's awesome. When we first met, she reminded me of a female version of Taylor. Then the more I got to know her, the more I found myself studying her, trying to become more like her. She was mature, responsible, a great writer, and very organized. Plus, she stuck up for me when my wit was on the slow side. Ben hated that, which made me like her more. And I recently found out that she had a baby when she was 17, and the father was a jackass. Go figure. Her daughters name is Amara, very pretty.

After the hugs, very unexpected, Ben said goodbye to Cailey, as she trotted away without a care. Then he pretty much demanded that I take his number, he said he knew that if he called me, I wouldn't answer, so he would wait until I called him. Like I had planned on it. He turned away, I yelled across the lobby to Darren, Bens other friend, and walked away, thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with Ben anymore. After that, I went and sold my last book, then proceeded to the library, where I sat, alone for several hours until Taylor rescued me.

Today, I went to school and the first thing I did was bought all my new books (although apparently I forgot somethings for my Astronomy class, I'll just go back after vacation and get my goods). Stood in line with over 100 pounds of literature in my arms (I thought they were going to break off), then sat with nick in the commons. At two, I went up to my math class, and immediatly started on my math exam. No problem, it was far easier than I thought it was going to be. As I turned it in, the teacher said she wanted to look it over, she showed me some problems I would have gotten wrong, than showed me how to correct them. She marked them right, and said I was going to pass that class. I still felt bad that I even had to be there. There was about 15 people in that class and we would all have to take two more math classes for them to even start counting toward our degrees. That means that I'm in a really low class. I thought about taking a math class in the summer time to catch up, but there's no way my sanity will be able to carry that. I'll already have two jobs to work and I need time for both Taylor, and I. It'll be a busy summer, but you can bet that Taylor and I will put our time to good use, if you catch my drift.

I just can't wait to go clothes shopping, and christmas shopping in a few days! I will finally have some new clothes, especially since my family doesn't think I need new ones and wouldn't help me out with it if I asked. My dad hasn't even gotten me a winter coat yet. Ironically, I'm the only one not getting sick.

Here's some good news: my hair's growing out. My hair grows fast so I knew I wouldn't have to wait too long for it to become fixable, and even the few centimeters is enough to turn my mood around. Once it reaches an acceptable length, I can call my hair dresser and beg her to fix my hair, and my self esteem.

"idk mesa...sweet dreams"

Last night after the middle school band concert (and running into my 3rd grade teacher whom sat in front of us), something was wrong with my mom, don't ask me what, god knows. I noticed her eyes were watering while we were waiting for cody to return to the band room but nothing looked wrong. Then in the truck on the way home (I can always be stupid enough to make her laugh) she was really quiet even as Senior tried to make her laugh or at least find encouragement as he told tales about my mom going into labor with Cody and him getting from Auburn to Bay City in 7 minutes. She just kept looking out the window, seemed I was the only one who could sense the disturbance in the air. I heard her sniffle and wondered what exactly was wrong, but knew I would never know.

Nick got sick, as always, so today Senior took me to school again. That was a nice awkward quiet ride. I hate when he tries to make me smile or laugh or see things from his point of view. He talks to me like I'm Codys age, then when I don't think he's the greatest man on earth, he assumes that I'm having a bad day or didn't sleep well. Nevermind the fact that I'm 18 and can't drive myself, nevermind the fact that I was up until 11pm talking to Nathan last night, nevermind the fact that I despise Seniors company, the cold weather, my clothes, hair, BEN, nevermind I had my psychology test today. Speaking of which, I think I may have passed...I dunno though. Only time will tell. Tomarrow I will buy my new school books and at some point soon I will go clothes shopping for something to boost my selfesteem.

I wonder if Taylor knows that there is a Kasper in the middle school band. 7th grade I think. Not entirely sure. I saw her name in the pamplet thing that I pretended to read several times, even the two blank pages in the back (which turned out to be my favorite pages).

Heaven

The first feeling of life I had was strange really. It seemed to come too simply, too easily. As if given as a gift. But, did I truly deserve one? A gift to me, the goddess who played a part in the destruction in the only thing she had ever known. Too simple. Too simple to wake up and feel safe, feel in comfort. To raise my head up off my pillow and smile at the morning sun. To walk across my warm bedroom floor and open the window, where the glowing warmth would create its own aura.
It was happening. I sat up in my bed; the brilliance from my window glided across the floor and caressed my body. I felt at ease. But most of all, I felt normal. Gentle laughing could be heard from the lower floor. The covers flew off me as I ran to the door and pressed my ear against it. I jumped when the door slowly opened. The sunshine followed the carpet as I slowly walked, listening to the commotion down below.
Peering over the railing, I saw them. My family. Laughing by the front door as if it was just another day. My light faded as I watched them. They all laughed and conversed as if nothing had ever happened. My father smiled lovingly at my mother, holding her hand. My mother. Sharona giggled happily as Matt tickled her and tossed her about. Matt.
The door opened and in walked my Grandfather, smiling holding up a gift basket with assorted snacks and wine coolers. It seemed as if none of them noticed me standing there at all. He held the door, waiting. I waited for Fluke to trot into the house, but she never came. My Grandfather looked outside, and then laughed as he held the door for his brunette wife. Sara. She held up more wine coolers and everyone cheered. Everyone cheered. Uncle John followed, carrying fireworks, Illegal no doubt. Everyone cheered.
My father announced for everyone to come into the kitchen to celebrate, they followed. All except Sara, who stood there smiling gently. Her eyes seemed to be in a daze. Her eyes slowly looked up to meet mine. I smiled back, silent. Sara slid her hands in her pockets, and kept smiling. She let out a small chuckle, and then walked onwards to the kitchen, where she had been called.
I stood there then. My feet grew warm as the light surrounded me again. I looked out the windows above the door and pondered on the past events. Pondered on what happened, and what to do next. Join my family? No, it didn’t seem right. I was rather confused, but chose not to ponder any longer. What happened, happened, it was no big deal. I was at peace. Nothing to be concerned about.
It will always have a notch in the back of my thoughts though. What did happen that day? That day with Camaris over the river and city? The glowing light and angel wings. The things we said and the feelings we ended up sharing. Was it all just a dream? Just another one of my crazy fantasies? Or is this...

Heaven.

Please take note...

Yesterday, while Logan and I were sitting on my bed playing Pokemon, he suddenly stopped, winced in pain, and put his hand to his chest. After a few seconds, he let out some air, and went back to his Pokemon game. I stopped and kept looking at him. That stance was way too familiar for me to just let it go like that. "Logan, what was that?" I asked him, he shrugged and said sometimes it hurt. "Your chest? Like your heart?". he said yeah, he continued with his game. He then said that it's been happening for a while, and it only gets worse. I just kept looking at him. He noticed and said what. "Logan, that happens to me also. It's not good." He went back to his game again and repeated that it was nothing new. My family didn't believe me when I told them that I had chest pains. My mom said it was growing pains, she had them when she was younger to. I probably should have been more specific on which chest I meant. I told her I had heart pains, it didn't matter though. It was all in my head. It won't be all in my head when I suddenly die of a heart attack one of these days. I thought of what it would be like if the pain got too bad for Logan, he would surely tell mom and senior, and they would of coarse take immediate action. Then when I get the pains again, they'll say that I'm just doing it for attention.

Oh btw, I know that my closest friends know, but, should I die before my time (take this seriously, and no I'm not suicidal), I want to be buried with my guitar ear rings (bitches) and my blanket (hoes), and THIS IS IMPORTANT (!) I want my casket to be the color of my hair and glossy enough to see your reflection on it. And on the inside, I don't want lacy crap, I'd rather have silk. Oh, I know nobody will care after I die, so put my photo albums with my cat pictures in with me. That way nobody can throw them away. Besides, I'm the only one that appreciates them, so this is my way of protecting the pictures. I didn't take them for my health! Oh wait...I did. luff ya!

Bruiser

I'm very fortunate I decided to look cute today. This is the fastest I ever gotten a computer at Delta on a Tuesday! Let's start off at the beginning of the day. I woke up an hour later than usual (because I don't have english anymore), walked around in my bra (this is quickly becoming habit for me) which automatically put me in a good mood, not because I was wearing the silly thing, but because it was warm enough in my room to actually do so. I got dressed, put my hair in pig tails, added accesories, and went down stairs; where I proceeded to make a sandwich for lunch, and a cup of coffee for breakfast. Then came time to start up Nicks car. This, I must say, is quickly becoming a pain in the ass. I heart Nicks new car but there's something wrong with his driver side door that it never unlocks. So it's my job to climb into the drivers seat (from the passenger side) and force it open. Normally I can get it within' ten minutes. Today, however, I couldn't. Senior saw that I was having trouble with the door, came out and we spent about five minutes trying to pry it open. (Him outside the car, me inside). Then he said: "I'm going to pull out the truck, you pull this into the drive-way." Then walked off. I was ecstatic that I could drive Nicks car, which I have quickly fallen in lust with. Incredibly easy to handle, I swung that baby into the drive-way like I have had my license for years. I put it in park and sat there as Senior pulled in behind me. That was far too easy I had thought to myself. I thought for sure there was somthing else I had to do. But nope, I got out, Senior said he would take Nick and I to school, and away we went. Senior complimented me on my driving skills with Nicks car. I want that car bad; and that's all I thought about on the way to school. By time Nick actually can give/sell the car to me, it'll be worth about as much as his blazer currently is. Not that he is rough with his cars, just that his equipment for his chair and the lift and such breaks down the car over time. Especially because the cars he drives, aren't built for that kind of thing. I think I have proven my lust for the car, getting up half an hour early just so that I can sweep the snow off it, defrost it, and make sure it is driving worthy for when we leave. Plus it doesn't really matter because it's not like Nick can do that anyways.

Going back to the topic I was on, before i ranted about Nicks car, after walking Chelsea to her psych class, I retreated to the commons to sell my film book bundle. I looked lovingly at my DVD with all my favorite short movies on it, then the lady handed it back to me and said that she didn't need it, only the book. My face lit up. I couldn't believe i was going to get to keep my DVD! With Bartholomews song, and spam-ku, and The Hill, AH! I was excited! Not only that, but I got nice chunk of change for the book itself. I went out, bought me a Coke, and went to the library. (Wondering when i could get to the mall to buy more long sleeved shirts ofcoarse. Everything is on clearence now.) I did one lap around the library, and stood there, looking at the other students. Trying to figure out which one I should stalk and steal their computer when they got up. There were others joining me in my search for a victim, when I heard a guy go "Hey!". I looked over and he was looking at me. I looked around to make sure it was me, but when he looked me up and down, I knew it was. I went over to him. "It's all yours." he said, smiling, giving me his computer. I thanked him greatly, and signed in.

That's how I got here. A nice computer, a coke, munneh in meh pocket, and no class until 2pm. Tis the life, baby!

Confessions of a girl named Melissa

If Satan is person, Heaven is a place, and God is an essence at which we all pray to, then it must have been Satan who had come to me in a dream so long ago. He said to me: "Melissa, you have sinned far too greatly to ever be allowed to walk by your heavenly fathers side, there is only one hope if you plan to get to that afterlife. You must take this little black book and in it, every month, confess your sins. You must write everything. If you leave something out we will assume that it didn't happen, and it will be Saint Peters job to judge your silent lies. Do this task until your soul becomes one by society's standards, and you will be saved..."

For years I have done so. Journal after journal after journal, and now this. Poems, stories, songs, not enough. I am safe, I have found what I need to complete my soul; my soul mate. I must continue until the day we marry. But there's this catch: I was supposed to confess everything in my journal, as I have. This blog, as much as it means to me, as much truth as it holds, is like a game to me. I write about my past, details I've never written before, thoughts and actions that are too terrible or false to make it into my written journal. False? Does that mean I lied somewhere in one of my blogs. Yes, I did. I don't consider it to be a big lie, just a metaphor perhaps. That's what my writing is all about, metaphors. I love to write them. They come to me because sometimes the truth hurts too much to even think about.

Confessing things to even my closest friends have always caused problems. I like to think back to elementary years because that's when my life was completely at bliss. I was usually always happy, always something to do, places to go. My future was paved in gold, although through the eyes of a child, it usually always is. Studies show that everyone, whether straight, bi sexual, or gay, are attracted to women's bodies because of how they carry themselves. Confident, etc. I was not a bi-sexual in elementary school. Jamie was an extraordinary friend. The closest I have ever had in my entire life. She was the only girl, or person, that I felt completely at ease around. She was the only one that I would dress in front of, bathe with, or cuddle with. I would go to the ends of the earth and back just to make her laugh, and I always could, even if meant getting me in more trouble. It was worth it to me. I may get the chance to meet her again, but that didn't go over to well with Taylor. He went on about something and said "I thought this might happen". As if I was going to leave him for Jamie, which would never happen in a million years because I'm not bi-sexual. I don't know what's going through his mind and hopefully he'll he a sport and tell me. We're getting together on Friday and that should be the perfect time to...what are we going to do? What is there to do? I don't even know if anything needs to be figured out, I just want to finish the conversation. It's unhealthy to leave me hanging like that. At least I had a dream that my family had to move and we got a house that was big, and we invited Taylor to live with us. And we were happy. I woke up to a text, lost the happiness that the dream had created, and slipped back into a dreamless sleep.

Unanswered questions create stress. Today is my math exam. I'll need to focus really hard to keep my attention on my work, and not on the confusing matter at hand. Somebody help me.

Supa Dupa

So, school is traveling on in front of me like a never ending road of death paved with the skeletons of others who have failed. Seems I'll join them eventually, because there is no way (now this is a terrible example of cognitive therapy) that I am going to pass my tests. Heh, maybe I will.

This seems like a great summer to rid of my fear of swimming with fish. Either that, or I'll die trying. Hopefully, Taylor's parents will be over themselves in time for summer. Because I sure as hell need a male in the water with me at Oasis lake. Don't get me wrong, I loved Shannon's company last year (especially the amateur porn videos we mocked). Maybe I'll take the boat into the middle of the lake and jump off it...hopefully theres no undertow or man eating fish in there...or anything bigger than my foot. And GOD! Those little sons of bitches (ya know, blue gill?) bite hard! I bled! No loss though. We'll probably go up more than once. My Psy teacher said that he had a fear of fish to. He went snorkling to get over his fear, then laughed at the expression of horror on my face. The summer isn't even close but I think it'll be a great summer that will surpass last summers trials. It'll be one to remember...

Guess I'll have to put the brake on my sex life...

Because it seems to be spirling out of control and is going to end in a firey crash at the bottom of a stone lined cliff. I've been sitting here at delta for what feels like forever and I had decided, I'm going to move to Las Vegas and be a show girl...no, no, no, that would be terrible. I'm gonna move to Rhonde island like kristen and pay 46% for taxes...no,no,no, that would be terrible. I'll just stay here, ya know, Romania, and be a successful writer with my 20 cats and mini van (which I have to get the oil changed) and live off the government (because I survived the vietnam war). Then I woke up and decided my room was too dark, so I opened my curtains, listend to Miley, my lesbian lover, complain that now two of our cats are in heat...wait...two!? (out the window they go) so I named all nicks new fish, well, almost all of them. Taylor's coming over tonight and I'm not even there. cry me a river...that leads to your ocean. Holy crap, i just nodded my head to the beat of that song...good thing no ones looking except for that one guy kitty corner from me, whom I said "bless you" to when he sneezed, good thing I drive the coke truck home tonight.

huh...none of that was true. Except all of it. Like Earth. Who named earth anyways? who got pointed at and told to name the thing we're standing on? ...Lucky bastard. i would name it Melissa, cuz' that's my name...*sniff* and I'm THE BEST! AND I LOVE MYSELF!! and that's all that matters. Time for meds. See ya tonight, miles.

No I don't think I will...

Well folks, it finally happened. I got full credit on my psychology homework. My teacher even wrote a little note at the bottom to suggest that I go talk to financial aide to see if they could help out with my food issues. I was really happy that I had done so good on my homework, but I know that there's still no hope for my grade. Maybe I'll get an E+. haha. I'm starting to lose my mind. I find myself wanting t sleep longer, talking to myself, freezing to death, and not wanting to do anything if it has a hint of productivity to it. Well, I really want to clean my room, but today I had to get to my dads house and take an online test my film teacher assigned. This is what I don't get. It was open book, I looked probably 99% of my answers up, and I got 10/20. I'm pissed.

Poor shaly called me last night (while I was half asleep) and asked if I wanted to go to a concert with her. I said no. I can't stand the bands and, although I feel bad she'll have to go with her dad and his GF, this will be another busy week for me and I need to put the gas pedal down and get a move on. I'll probably have work for the first time this weekend, I'm pretty frickin' psyched that I will actually be making money. Mostly for my phone bill and food. Mmm, food. I ate so much today I thought I was going to explode, still do. My dreams are weird at night. Last night I dreamt that my step father and my half brothers went on a trip and we ended up killing our animal friends and I was the only one who felt bad about it. I said something about it and my step dad yelled at me for caring, then kicked me out of the adventure, or whatever, we were on. I remember watching a boy drown his puppy to punish it for killing a weasel. *Shudders*

Just a puff of smoke, in my memory

The day itself is crisp in my memory. I can close my eyes and feel the sun, the pavement, taste the chocolate...But the aftermath, I cannot remember no matter how hard I try. The next day, the next week, month, year...blank. Gone. Forgotten. It was like a part of me died with Smokie. I can remember right before Smokie was shot. I was sitting in the basement with Cody, playing N64, to get "my mind off things"; looking up to the window suddenly...

Arguments. Something I can actually remember. I didn't cry when people were around, there was always the backyard behind the pool, up in the maple tree, corn field, my bedroom. I was alone in every sense of the word. Arguments of whether or not Smokie would have made it, arguments of whose fault it was, arguments of whether or not to get a new cat to replace my replacement cat. The arguments lasted only a minute each, at most. The cat had been dying, period. There had been no hope to save her. According to April, Smokie had been dragging her hind legs so her back was broken, she was dying. According to Jr., Smokie had been badly bleeding, she was dying. According to Senior, it wasn't just a scratch and had to be put out of her misery, she was dying. According to Nick, Smokie didn't die fast, like Senior had planned, and it was painful, she let out a loud cry after the first shot, she was dead.

I had to accept it, but even now, nearly nine years later, I still think she would have made it. She just needed some help. Haily of course got off scott-free. Just was tackled and kicked a few times by April and JR. Right after April and I saw Haily dive for Smokie, I screamed then April, Jr., and I all ran at them. It was too late for Smokie, who had only raised her fur and hissed. April and JR., chased down Haily and tackled her, I stopped in front of Smokie and, panicking, reached down to grab her, she hissed at me and laid down, I didn't stop though. I scooped her up and carried her into the back yard. I sat on the back steps with her in my arms. She no longer tried to escape me, realizing Haily was gone. And she just laid in my arms, purring and looking up at me. She didn't appear to be in any kind of pain, even though the sweater tied around my waist soon became dotted with her blood that seemed to be coming from a scratch on her stomach. I stood up wit her and that's when Nick saw her in my arms. I was crying. He looked very angry and yelled "Put her down, NOW!" He had scared me and I literally dropped her, and put my hands above my head. She managed to land on her feet, of coarse, and sorta swaggered away. I was in hysteria and I knew I had to do something. I had to get Senior. I ran in the house, looked for him, and after discovering he was sleeping, stood outside my parents door. My mom was at work, as always, she was the only one with a job even back then. I was actually scared to walk in the bedroom, I wasn't allowed no matter what. It didn't help that I genuinely hated the man I had to get help from. But I knew Smokie was hurt and I needed him to do something. Nobody outside knew what to do, and we needed an adult. I walked into the room, faced my fears (which made me cry worse), and woke up senior. Senior yelled at me for not explaining the situation well enough, and for waking him up for such a stupid reason. He came outside, wanted to see the cat. But never really looked for her. He said he would need to put her out of her misery, without even an assessment of the situation. She was dying.

I begged to be able to talk to my mom about the situation. Senior said fine, and even though he wouldn't admit or say it, I'm pretty sure he wanted to talk to mom about it to, he needed to know what he had to do. My mom, at the time, was working a part time job at 7-11 in Auburn, we drove down there and stood behind the counter telling her the situation. That was the first time I have ever cried like that in public. My mom said "Honey, you don't know, Smokie could be dead as we speak." Not the most comforting words in the world. That was Seniors non-verbal permission to slay the cat. Mom wouldn't know the difference. I didn't want to leave, but another part of me wanted to go ASAP to make sure that my Smokie wasn't dead, like my oh so helpful mother suggested. I got home, got a glimpse of Smokie, but my step father wouldn't allow me to go to her. April told me that Smokie had been placed on a piece of plywood by the garage, but since it was so hot out, she "crawled" under the nearest trailer. Senior had temporarily convinced me that Smokie would have to be put out of her misery, and if I loved her, I would let him. I was instructed to go in the house and play N64 with Cody to get my mind off things. So here we are again, at the beginning of this blog. Glancing up to the window, seeing Senior with his .22.

"It was like a crime to even mention her name"

Nick didn't tell me it had pained Smokie until a few days later. And that's it, that's all I remember. So much as saying her name, would start arguments, awkward silences, eyes would roll, and in the distance a dog would bark...

Sneak peak

I did a good job putting up the garland. Yes, yes you did. It's really secure, not going anywhere. Not this winter, not ever. I'll do just as good when I put the lights up. It'll be a treat to everyone who sees.

What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you. Then how come everything I do isn't good enough? It's them that aren't good enough for you. That's what you've always said, always made me be alone...I've never made you be alone, just made you open your eyes. Then how come I'm always lonely? You have me. I'm alone. You're not alone. Does he even appreciate me? Ofcoarse he does, he loves you. I know. But he's always hungry for more. It's a guy thing. They all wanted more. Then how come I kept going back? You're mother said she wouldn't love you anymore if you weren't straight. But I am. We know that. I hate when people decide how I feel. Saying I don't like them in any certain way or form. How come whatever I do, it isn't enough? Hormones, girl, he's new to them. They're not hard to ignore. Not as strong as you. Never had the fears you do. Never learned like you did. I regret being the way I am. Don't say that, you'll appreciate being able to share your experiences with your daughter. It'll make her stronger, she'll appreciate being able to talk to you about these touchy topics. I need to be able to talk to my mother. I can't even talk to my sister about sex anymore. She's married. Do you remember the last time I asked her about sex? Haha, yes, last summer. She got out her grey's anatomy book. I wasn't expecting that either! Too much information! Yet it was just what you needed. It wasn't enough though. I needed to know more. Sad, strange, little man...

We were barely Freshmen

Tomorrow night Shannon, Taylor and I are going to see Twilight. It's great that Shaly "spots" me like she does. She probably knows I always pay back with more than just money. I just hope that her trip to Tennessee goes as well as she plans on it going. She's visiting a friend that I personally hate and despise. But anyways, this oppertunity will mean that Taylor can finally meet my bestie and she can finally have a reason to make fun of him. (lol, kidding!). Plus, now Chelsea might be coming to!

I recieved a coupon for a free hair cut at the Bay shire beauty salon, so hit the deck. This means I can't chose something too complicated because God knows what I'll walk out with. Today my dad drops off paper work f0r food stamps and if I don't get them, I'll have to drop kick some bitches. Gotta go now, got distracted by Chelsea and now my class starts soon. This weekend, since Taylor can't come over, will be dedicate to my math homework.

Thunder in Paradise

Well it's sad to say, sorta, that my written journal is going to be seeing a lot of action. Mostly because every time I write here about how I really feel, like I was supposed to, I get scolded or seem to mislead. So, don't fret if I don't write a lot. School has me wanting to hang myself, not actually, there are cooler ways to die.



I had a dream a few nights ago that bothered me to the point where I thought about it all the time. I almost told Taylor about it, but we all know how I get distracted with other topics. Plus I'm not entirely sure how he would have taken it. But, alas, I wrote about it in my journal and it has temporarily stopped haunting me. Holidays are coming up and I have no money and I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to make it work. Now I don't know what to write about because I've already gotten it all out of my system.


Nicks been a jackass lately, saying that Taylor doesn't love me, and no matter what I say, it always somehow starts an argument, he even called me a dumbass the other morning because I wanted to let the car defrost first; then he proceeded to complain that there was frost everywhere, in the car even. Aprils due soon, doesn't seem affected by it though. My mother came home yesterday from work and I glomped her. She was surprised I was even downstairs. I said I was lonely. We hanged out for a long time in the kitchen playing around with her wreaths and talking about her work. I told her that I was recently told by Sam that I qualify for food stamps. Hot damn. Food for me! He's been getting them which means I can. He tried to help me get on WIC (for the baby) I told him to just concentrate on the food stamps and I'll worry about the baby programs. He seems determined to help out. Speaking of helping out, I need to find a job, or else depend on my reletives to actually listen and give me money for the holidays. Doubt it though, the Larkin side is doing this thing that they started where nobody gives presents at the family party on Christmas Eve, because they never know if they'll get good things or not. Well, too bad for them, we're still going to do the traditional stuff and pass gifts, if they don't like it, they can go become Buddists, or how ever it goes. But anyways, Bre, the Demon Spawn, came over because she needed help with her English homework. I helped her rather easily. Her mom was watching suggested I become an english teacher, psh, I said, there's not enough money in that field to keep my attention for long...whoa, I just had Deja-vu...I've written about this somewhere else...

Blood, sweat, and my mothers tears

On my psychology sex survey thing there was a true and false statement about what percent of women are forced to do something sexual at some point in their life. I thought the percent was way too low, so I marked it false. I was right. There was a survey that showed that over 30% of women are forced to do something sexual by a man, or had admitted to being raped. With psychology surveys there is always the factor that the person taking the survey isn't being honest, fearing that their significant other, parents, or friends would find out, even if it is confidential. I knew this best of all, especially when my teacher, Dr.Dave, would ask a question and I wouldn't raise my hand, even if I did fit the criteria. I would just pass a note to Ben saying I did, he usually knew already though. A girl raised her hand and Dr. Dave called on her. She said that sometimes girls are raped or sexually harassed but don't say anything due to the fear of what others would think. He agreed with her saying, "The female may fear what her family would think, how her friends would take it..." he went on. I had thought of that before, in fact there was a time when I thought I was going to have no choice but to tell my mother that I had been raped, in order to protect Taylor. I remember calling up Nathan and crying to him on the phone about it. Then wondering to myself why I hadn't called Shannon or Kyle or Kristen. Why I kept them in the dark all summer about things that were going on in my life. "Hows it going, Melissa?" ...."Oh I'm doing great! Get to see Taylor tonight,"...."Good to hear you're having a good time."

My mom's so proud of the fact that I'm a virgin. Every time a conflict would come up with Taylor's parents she would always say "Not my daughter! She's still a virgin! A good child! We'll take the test and prove it!" Then in the drive way with Matthew that last night together, "Well Matthew, I can tell she's hurt. You're all grown up, she hasn't even started. You've done things that she hasn't yet, and I don't mean buying a house or a car. But college and sex, you're probably scaring her...". When we were alone she would hint to me that she didn't think Matthew was good enough because he was older, I called his daughter a receipt. I started to get the frame of mind, because it was true, that I didn't think he was worthy because he wasn't a virgin, because he had sex before and accidently had a daughter, then told me that at the time they had sex, he didn't even love her! Infact, he was about to break up with her when she told him she was pregnant! That was a red flag for me. I didn't want to get involved with someone who had intercourse with someone he didn't even love, what if he tried that with me and didn't love me? I hated the thought and that was when our relationship really went down the steep side of the hill. But here's the ironic thing: after breaking up with Samuel, I swore to myself that I wouldn't date a virgin because, let's face the facts here kitties, it hurts when the guy doesn't know what he's doing, let alone doesn't listen. Now I'm dating Taylor, whom I presume to be a virgin, because he doesn't lie to me, another nice quality. And I'm extremely happy with him. I like how we don't have to do something physical to have a good time and if my parents never leave, we can still cuddle and kiss infront of them because, hey, they like him. The other night my mom said that she likes to see me happy, but I quickly learned that she doesn't like to talk about me dating. Don't ask me why. I dunno, my parents don't really know Taylor, but they still like him and give us their blessings, for now at least. Hopefully that doesn't change, but they are rather A.D.D.

I love him though, and that's all that will ever matter.

Paige Lynn Kasper

For the first time in history, my mother actually complained about her husband yesterday. She identified that when Senior gets sick, the world has to stop revolving for him until he gets better, and only if he gets better. "When I was on kemo I sat in the doctors office alone, I drove myself, I worked two jobs..." The complaints rolled on and on. "Suddenly he gets sick and, once again, I have to go out and get his lazy butt medicine..." I nodded my head rubbing on free samples of lotion into my hands. It was up to me to find humor relief in the situation. We looked at Christmas decor and I tried to convince her to let me take the written portion of my drivers test, a valid permit would be nice. "Don't you just love being seen in public with me?" I asked, a nearby stranger laughed with my mom. At Kroger's, my new hang out joint, we returned bottles and such. I went to get some hand sanitizer and when I discovered it was empty, went on about how the world was coming to an end. Nothing new there.

Taylor and I are having a baby girl and her name shall be Paige Lynn, as you could get from the title of this post. I thought about that while my m0ther was going on about my step dad, complaining. I don't want that when I get married in the future. It really should be a two way street. I don't want my life being as hard as my mothers. My step father says that Taylor plans on marrying me. Surprise surprise, he thought I didn't know. I give off that marriage vibe. My step dad said that if I do take the truck and I do happen to get into an accident, my fault or not, he's telling the authorities that I took the truck without asking because he won't grow a pair and just stand by his original decision. So he would get me in trouble just because he can't grow a back bone.

Today was a Monday in my opinion. As soon as I got home from Delta, I called my dad and had him pick me up, I had to get out of there. It was bad enough I couldn't just scream to get my frustrations out. Ready? Here I go. I'm not sure if I wrote it in here or not, but the reason I couldn't go golfing with my older friends was because Matthew wasn't emotionally stable enough to handle it. So, I asked Nick if he could go to Matthew and tell him that if taking my ring and necklace back would make everything okay again, since my ring alone was more than the phone bill I so proudly racked up. Matthew said no, they were a gift and he doesn't take gifts back. Well, it took me all day to figure out just what that meant. Literally, Nick and I were on our way home from Delta (after the first time his newish car broke down and senior came to the rescue) and I said "wait a minute, if Matt doesn't take gifts back because they were gifts, then why did he take my car away? That was a graduation gift and that's more important than a birthday gift." Nick got all pissy saying he didn't care and he wasn't passing on any more messages; I told him to shut up, that I didn't want him to pass on any messages at all. I was just saying. I was pissed off about that for the rest of the day. What a fucking hypocrite! He says he doesn't take gifts back but the bastard takes my fucking car away! I want to see him dead in all reality. Hm, what a terrible thing to say. Too bad I really do. I was right when I called him Senior jr. Fucking cunt face.

Did you see what I Saw?

I had the enlightenment of seeing a movie for free yesterday (the best kind), and I chose to see Saw V, now don't turn your eyes away, I'm not going to give anything away, sorry no spoilers. I just wanted to say that the movie was incredible! Simply the best Saw movie created, yet. Yet another great ending that had my heart rate so fast I could have sworn my chest was going to explode. I almost cried! I must say though, even with as much of an Edgar Allen Poe fan girl I am, the sight of his creation in action, was almost too much for me to bare, yet I couldn't tear my eyes away. This Saw movie was actually scary for once. The others are more of a suspence, but this one had people in the audience, including yours truely, screaming at certain points. Simply wonderful. I saw a trailer for Twilight and couldn't help but be reminded of Taylor and I as I watched the main characters interact, and explain the situation they're in. Shannon hasn't allowed me the pleasure of reading her books yet, so the movies will have to do.

Another plus was the new theater at the mall. Completly re-done and resembles the Midland Theater, it's very open and looks fabulous. Before my movie I took a gander around the mall, checked out the shoes at Target, and of coarse all the really cool shoes are in the kid section and sponsered by Hannah Montanta. I'm so jealous, why can't they have that in my size? I found the type of boots I want, felt them a little, and then left. As I was leaving Target, I saw Nick in Media replay, so I decided to see what he was up to. I almost caved and bought a video game, but alas, I did not. Nick was applying for a job, monkey see monkey do, I did also. Then went and used a gift certificate to get popcorn and a pop. I've never seen the theater that croweded before, must be because they had free movies for the grand opening. Nice. My theater wasn't crowded at all, I was glad I chose a flick that had already been out for a while. When I got out of the theater, Breanne (the demon spawn) was there waiting, she got a running start and hugged me. We left, the end.

This morning, I thought my throat was on fire. It was crazy dry and hurt like sin. No matter how much I drank, or what I drank, helped. I couldn't taste water, and yes water has a taste, Coffee tasted sour, and pepsi tasted flat. Well folks, death is coming for me...I'll be sure to watch out for speeding minivans coming in my direction.

Election Day!

Today's the day us people 18 and older get together and do what our founding fathers intended us to do: battle to the death over the selected Senators! (I'm wearing chain mail just in case...did I spell that right?) After school Nick and I are walking over to the fire station to cast our votes. No big deal, I'm super excited though. Maybe I'll get to see Mrs. Fischer! She was my old government teacher and I loved her to death, not to mention I was her favorite. (Probably the only reason I passed that class!)



Lately Taylor's on this binge where I'm going to leave him for my old friend, Jamie. It offends me that he would just think I would get up and leave him. Seriously, I don't make plans regarding the future and then just throw them away. Remember in the summer when I said that I didn't want to get caught up, in fear that I would be let down again? Well, I'm pretty damn excited for our future, so obviously you did something to the point where I trust that I will be with you for a long time, maybe forever? There's just something about Taylor that feels solid, even though he fears that he can't take care of me. Bullock. Just by being there for me he is taking care of me.


I seriously wanted to shoot myself in the head during Psy class yesterday. We talked about sex, and of coarse the teacher was excited and eager to get started. First he gave us a list of true and false questions regarding mostly what percent of gender did what and whether or not they liked it. (Can you believe that there are people in America that are 97 years old and still sexually active!? I want to be dead by then!) Some of the answers just had to be false, how could they not be? Ben saw what I was marking, and immediately took the initiative of saying I was wrong, he was a guy so he would know. I looked at him kinda angrily, I wasn't the most experienced which made it the most awkward, everyone around me was saying their opinions on things, whether they liked it or not. Hell, I had to go by my morals. The question was basically whether or not guys liked to perform oral sex more than women. ( The stats came to, yes, men did.) That's stupid, why would they? I immediately thought of Taylor but had to shake that out of my head, I hurt enough already due to other discussions. Ben said that it was true. "I go through every letter of the alphabet in cursive, and when I find her favorite letter, I repeat it". He smiled dumbly at me, I wanted to slaughter him right then and there. How dare he talk about such things in front of me, in public. Then Taylor was pushing the subject of it later on when I let it slip. I'm not going to go on about why something was awkward if it was awkward. Sheesh.



To make things more interesting, Taylor's little brother, Cameron, knows about my supposed "pregnancy". Hm. That can be disastorous. I told Taylor to tell Cam that it was simply a rumor, but I'm naturally in the dark because I never know what's going on in that house until it comes back bite me. Not very fair on my end. Taylor's accused of just coming over to get laid, which hasn't happened. Who accused him? None other than Lisa (Shannon will be familiar with this name) the 30 some year old who lives with them. Taylor says she doesn't move out because of health problems and his mother likes her. Well, there's homes for people like that, and hey, they can still be friends. She shouldn't be harping on him when she can't even take care of herself. Get life alert for hell sakes.



I'm decided to write about everything in one blog post instead of my average two a day. Here goes more ranting since I don't like to talk about such things in person. On to a topic that I have tried and tried to keep out of my written journal; since I don't want to taint the opinion of Taylor to my future readers. A daughter, best friend, or my own husband perhaps. It shall commence here. Taylor making up reasons to beat the crap out of Felicias ex. You know those myspace bulletin questions that ask: "Does it upset you if people hate you for no reason?", if I recall correctly, he always said that it never bugged him. Hell, it doesn't bug me either. But now Taylor says he plans on hunting down her ex and beating him up simply because the ex doesn't like how Taylor supposedly looks at Felicia. Now, I might be going crazy, but I remember telling Taylor that I didn't like how he interacted with her either. It's not his responsibility to take care of her, she has a love interest now, congrats new love interest you're the proud new owner of a problem causer! Unnecessary stress, I've had enough of it. Now he's choosing to get caught up in things that I specifically told him he was going to get caught up in. The flute section is not his responsibility to protect, he has mistaken what I've been telling him for the past year, I meant he needs to stay in the flute section because he is the only male. It's his job to make flutes look like an equal opportunity employer. There's no reason to quit just because you're male, that's weakness.

Tower of Anubis

Kyles party went well, I got to hang out with Shannon, Austin, meet Molly and meet Kaleb (kyles love interest). Although the more I hung out with Kaleb, the more and more I got the feeling that he wasn't gay. In fact, I don't think there is a fiber of gay on him. Kyle asked me what I thought of him later on, and I told the truth, I just don't think he's gay. Kyle acted like he figured the same thing. Sometimes I get this desperate vibe from kyle. Very similar to the desperate vibe I get from Kristen. He'll say any guy that walks by is hott, so will Kristen. Kristen gets upset if a guy she just met "stands her up", she also calls every guy that walks by hott. It's actually the most annoying thing on this planet.

Courtney never showed up the party, no matter how many times we called her. Kyle, Shaly, and I got in our costumes and left to get the pizzas, then spent nearly 15 minutes waiting around in a bar for them to finish cooking. We got them, and left, Kyle was afraid he was going to be late for his own party, but everyone knows that no one shows up to a party at the scheduled start time, it's an unwritten rule. We laughed our asses off when little trick or treaters would come up to kyles house and his wiener dog, Flash, would run up to the door barking, and the little kids would run away screaming. When Austin arrived wearing his footy pajamas, and Molly got on her Pirate wench costume (really cute in my opinion), we ate pizza and were merry. Kaleb arrived and Kyle decided to start to light the fire. Of coarse he didn't know how so he told us that we couldn't have our bon fire. Hells no. I marched outside and started a bon fire on my own! You best believe my pyro-ness was in full swing, I had my arm in that grass fire just to make sure it stayed going, and it did, and it was great. After the fire ran out of fuel, we set off mini fireworks, it was fun to dodge the sparks, which stayed lit until they hit the ground. Then we went inside and played the murder mystery game that Kyle and I had been working on for the past month. Austin figured out everything way too easily, then I was murdered, and he figured it out right away. Too easy. Not to mention Austin was extremely clingy to me, 10x more than I thought he would be. We were walking back from the bon fire and he picked me up, then later he licked me for crying out loud! Later on that night when we were laying in our sleeping bags, Shaly asleep on the couch and Kyle picking up around the kitchen, Austin told me I was one of his best friends. Pretty sad, I said I was going to tell Jens, he laughed.

One by one, we had all slipped out of our costumes for more comfortable clothing. At the end, it was just Austin and I who were still in costume. Really I was just thrilled with wearing a mini skirt, so I milked it for all it was worth. Kaleb left, Molly went to sleep in the spare bedroom, Shaly fell asleep on the couch, then it was just Kyle, Austin and I hanging out on the floor. Flash kept crawling down my sleeping bag and every time I went to move, he'd growl, so I was held prisoner in my own sleeping quarters. Eventually, Kyle retreated to his own bedroom, which left Austin and I on the floor. I was slipping in and out of consciousness and Austin was talking up a storm. I'd always come to right when he'd finish a sentence or thought, so I'd just go "uh huh". When I came to again, he had turned and was looking at me, I asked what and he said goodnight. I said night.

I slept like a rock all night, I woke up when Kyle turned on the tv and put I Love Lucy on. Austin woke up, whom woke up shannon, whom woke up me (I was a little upset that Kyle had turned on the tv anyways), and I lectured Kyle on why nobody should ever eat pizza for breakfast, gross. Lunch maybe, but who would want all that grease and stuff that early? Kristen called, while I was abusing the priviledge of a sleeping bag, so I put her on speaker so that everyone could talk to her, call her a bitch, and etc. typical stuff for my friends to do. I was the first to get dressed, Shannon didn't get dressed at all, just left in her pj's. Austin left not too much later, then after a long while, Kyle took Shannon and I home.

Overall, the party was really good. It was nice to get to meet new people and just be crazy. DDR was alot of fun, same goes for The Price is Right game, and the murder mystery. We had fun with wigs the day before the party, and stayed up until 3am, and shannon until 5am because of asthma difficulties that were solved, so no worries. When I got home today, I bugged my mom for a little bit, bugged my younger brother a little saying "Now we can play The Tempest toghether!" he didn't take me up on my oppertunity though. I couldn't find my music and then I lost my cell phone and used my mothers to find it. I left myself a voice mail that said "Melissa, this is Melissa, if you don't call me back and tell me where you are, you are going to be in BIG trouble young lady!". It was amusing, I"m sure my mother thought I was on drugs. Sorry, ma, just high on life.

I heard the boys yell that someone was here, and I knew that my mom was busy with her plants, so I went to the door to investigate. Well well well, guess who? Matthew. He was dropping off Nick and I pulled out an invisible shot gun and blew his ass to hell and back. A little while later, I heard Matthews voice in the house, and I wanted to upset him. So, I went to the bottom of the stairs (matt was in nicks room) and I yelled for the boys to come down and do their chores, then I proceeded to have a convo with them right outside nicks room. Very convenient for me. I knew that just hearing my voice would upset him. lo and behold a few moments later, he left, stopped to investigate Nicks new car, then nodded his head in approval. The nod meant that he knew he was being watched. My mom called me to help with her plants. Mom asked me what I thought of the color of a plant she was holding, I just said "nice", she said "oh you didn't even look," she looked out the window "you're too busy scowling at Matthew." True dat, home dogg. I had debated waiting for him infront of his car, telling him my proposition about the ring he had given me. But something told me not to. I wasn't in the mood for his possible moodiness. He's such a girl.

I helped to make dinner, ate too fast and upset my stomach. I laid down on my bed and fell into a dead sleep until 6pm when my dad came to pick me up. I left with him, went to the mall, tried on a winter jacket, and decided that was the one I wanted. Can you believe that I wear an XL in womens? Maybe midget women. Ah well. Life goes on.

At least I'll get to see Taylor tomarrow, I've missed him so much, even though I got to see him a few days ago. That's what happens when I go to parties without him. My mom was surprised that Taylor hadn't gone to Kyle's party, but I reminded her who his parents were. She said that it wasn't that big of a deal. That his parents need to let up a little. She tries her hardest so that I can see him more often, she can tell that he makes me happy, and wants me to say that way.

Rhinestones

Today I had the pleasure of going to the annual Band-o-rama. It was nice to actually watch and listen to the bands, instead of wallowing in my own nervousness. I went with my step father and mother, and actually wanted to run into Taylor's parents because I know they would leave me alone once they saw how my step dad towered over them.

We sat behind a lady, whom, my parents apparently knew from a long time ago. The told her all about me graduating and Cody being in the 7th grade band and Logan being in 4th grade. She asked us where we lived now, my mother told her. I still had no idea who this woman was. Chris asked her when her and her family moved back to the area, she said she never technically left it, just moved a few times. My mom looked at me. I asked who the woman was, real quiet like. My mom looked at me funny and said her name (which I can't remember now) I was puzzled, I had never heard of her before. "Her husbands name is Mikey..." Mikey...Mikey...where had I heard that name before? I hadn't heard it in a long time. I look at my mom, "Is that Jamie's mother?" My mom just looked at me funny and said no. I continued to be puzzled, and lost interest.

After the performance, we left the gym and commons so fast that I didn't think that I was going to get to see Taylor. Which turned out to work to my advantage, because while we were waiting for Cody to get back from the band room (whom was afraid he was going to get stabbed my his friend, Elease (sp)), Taylor came up and hugged me from behind. Best thing ever. He scared me though, I wasn't expecting it. My step dad shook his hand, which was weird, but basically means he has his approval. Good sign. That was the first time my step dad had ever shook any of my boyfriends hands. Taylor had to leave though, a few minutes later,Cody came back in one piece, so we left. Once my mom got out of the truck at 7-11, I asked my step dad if he knew exactly what happened to Jamie. He took out his cell phone, looked through his phone book and said a number out loud. He looked back at me "Call it and find out". I said I wasn't going to just call her out of the blue. He said that he has been trying to get ahold of them for a while now but they never answer the phone. Said the last time he was able to talk to them was a few months ago. I jumped. Why hadn't he told me that he was still in touch with Jamie's family? "Infact," he started "they don't live far from our house". Great, so she's been walking distance this whole time. "I bet she's really pretty." I added under my breath. He just smiled and said he hadn't seen her in while, and it wasn't his place to judge. I dropped the subject and told Cody that mom should take him to a football game so he can witness the furosity that is the marching band. Great subject change.

I told Bastian we should egg Matthews house, he wouldn't though. Psh, whatev. :3

And they'll wave to you...

I didn't go to my math class today. I was originally planning on waiting in line at the counselors office so I could schedule for winter semester. Pain in the ass really. I walked by the first time, saw that it was incredibly full with other late students, then decided I would get something to drink, then try again. I went down to the cafe, got a drink and candy bar since tomorrow is Halloween and I'm not going trick-or-treating, ate it, and then got ignored by Megan McCarthy and her boyfriend, Wes. Hey, I was the one who set them up, and I get no appreciation for it. Why is Megan going to Delta anyways? Why isn't she at some big university? I've noticed a lot of the graduated western cheerleaders here to. Ya know, the incredibly popular, destined for stardom? Thems kinds.

Don't matter to me, kinda makes me feel better about myself. Well, I walked by the office again, and it wasn't any better, so I said screw it and went to the library t ofind an open computer. Actually found one, and in my favorite spot to. Got on and tried to register that way, couldn't though, I didn't know the first thing to do. I missed my counselor lady. *tear* I was supposed to ask her if my psychology course was needed to get into SVSU. Probably knowing myluck. Once again, I made a stupid mistake on my homework and got a C- on it. Sometimes I just want to punch or shoot myself. X.x

I have four math assignments to, I really didn't miss doing math. At least I passed my midterm with a C! Hey that's great news for me, math is a weak spot...unless it geometry, which I'm pretty good at. Find x...duh, it's usually on the side of the triangle. Gosh.

Tonight Shannon's coming over and Kyle's going to pick us up for his halloween shiz-dig tomarrow. I'm not going to wear my Hannah Montana wig though, It's irratating to have fake hair over your real hair, at least in my opinion. I'll be Miley Cyrus instead, I'll save Hannah for my "night life''. It'll be fun. Once the party starts and Kyle is distracted, I'll grab Shannon and pull her outside, then we'll run to the neighbors and get some free candy! Hells yeah, we're rebels! She doesn't know yet, but I'm sure she'll be game. I'll make sure to write all about it, unless the world ends or I push Austin into a fire, in which case I'll be in jail or....ya know....dead. But so will be you, so it's okay.

Oh I finished my paper to!

Like a fire in my veins

This past Sunday didn't actually feel like a Sunday. It felt like more of a Saturday really. The thought of school the next day never occurred to me, or the fact that I did have homew0rk either. It could, in fact, be that Taylor had come over on Sunday instead of the normal Saturday. Reason being I was supposed to be busy but, ironically, both of my previous plans had been cancelled and rescheduled all at the same time. So, my Saturday consisted of watching television, saving the world, Internet, and of coarse, throwing feeble attempts at my homework. So I guess the days got switched; Saturday (supposedly the wild and fun day) switched with Sunday (the supposed relax and take it easy day). No problem here though. I still got to see Taylor either way. (Did that confuse you at all?)


And as if on cue, like every weekend before, Taylor and I craved alone time. Primarily we liked when we could turn to each other for entertainment, the way it is supposed to be. We eventually got our wish, after watching "Grease". Two or so hours of alone time, hells yeah. I had to call my dad though and make sure that they were going to be gone for a while. He just told me to put another movie in. So, we did. I don't think he included the fact he wanted us to watch it though. Hope not, because we didn't. I'm not going to go into extreme detail, like I did in my hand written journal last night, but we did get extremely intense. More intense than either of us probably meant. All week we were exchanging texts about sex and other possibilities, but I never thought that anything would actually lead to that. I mean, come on, right? Just another fantasy of mine forgotten and lost. Now, don't get ahead of yourself, we didn't have sex. Probably a good thing I was constantly nervous about when exactly my father would be returning home. Otherwise, god knows what would have happened. I took the liberty of starting things when I straddled Taylor on the couch. That should have been an insight on how the rest of the day would go, and I liked it. Probably would have enjoyed it more if I wasn't worried about the possibility of my father coming in, you're going to hear me say that alot. I had to tell Taylor several times that we needed to calm down, reluctantly, we both went back to laying on the couch to throw another attempt at watching the second movie.



That was when I realized that Taylor's neck was extremely vulnerable . At first, I just wanted to nuzzle it. I loved the feel and warmth of his skin against mine. Then I just decided to touch it, nothing provoked me, I just like to touch him and he knows that. All summer l0ng I had told him that. I touched his neck, chin, jaw, everything I could; but just barely. I wasn't sure what kind of an effect it would have on him or even if I was just plain ol' annoying him. So I was gentle in every aspect. I realized not too long later that I was having a postive effect on Taylor, judging by his whispers of "So good..." and such.



This might sound weird but...you know when you're trying to walk down a steep hill, like a sand dune, and you're trying to be careful, but still somehow manage to lose your footing, fall on your butt and slide the rest of the way down? That feeling you get when you fall: you know you're going to be alright but it still scares you a little? That's what it felt like when Taylor pinned me. It wasn't really a pin, it was more like a tackle. I let out a sound of surprise first off. Don't take that as a sign that I didn't like it, when in reality, yes, I loved it. His kisses were so vigorous, and the way our bodies were touching, was making me wish I didn't have to worry about my dad coming home. I thought I knew what it felt like to get caught up in emotions like those, but the feeling I was getting because of Taylor was all new. Along with my nervous butterflies (because of the risk my father posed), I had an odd sensation throughout my body. I found it possible to stop the feeling just by concentrating, or whatever, a skill I was glad I had in class on Monday. The only way I can describe the sensation was sorta like a fire in my veins. I actually wanted more, to feel more, know more, maybe even experience more. I've never felt that way about anyone (or anything) before. Why was it that I did it with Taylor and suddenly it was different? Hm, maybe because it was voluntary? No, I think that was a small part of a big picture.



I had to get Taylor's attention, or else who knows what else we might do. Whispering his name hadn't gotten his attention, even though it made the experience better. I decided to limit his movement by holding him tighter, although this worked for his body, it didn't exactly stop him totally to get his attention. So I purposely made our kisses longer, so he would have no choice but to slow down. Eventually, I got him to slow down, not that the choice was one I wanted to make, it was was more of one I needed to make. It was my job to be responsible. That's always been my job. Taylor said he had to get up and walk around. I wasn't sure exactly what his issue was, so I let him have his wish. He waltzed around the kitchen, and I checked the driveway. Still home alone. He must have been having a personal dilema because he propped himself up against the wall. I went up to him and hugged him so that he knew he was okay. I was rather hesitant to touch him at first, I didn't know if he wanted the time alone and if hugging him was out of the question. It was fine. We retreated back to the couch and finally began to watch the movie. Although that didn't last long either.

I still wanted to be affectionate, just without all the fire works. Once again, Taylor had his neck open, so I started to kiss it. For some reason, I was hesitant to do this to. I didn't want to provoke him like I had previously done, again. Kissing him is easy to do, I love the feel of his skin. Love is an understatment. Obviously it picked up again, there was alot more kissing and such. We started to get more into it, when we heard glass shatter. My imediate reaction was the cats knocked something over. It was actually the candle my dad had lit exploding. Taylor jumped up and blew out the fire. I just poured some water on it. I went to call my dad about it when him and Judy pulled in the drive way. Gosh, good thing that candle blew when it did. We would have been in big trouble.

Somebody was looking out for us. And I thank whomever that was. :]