To represent America

"You'll never need to worry about anything. You'll never need to ask. I'll do everything I can without being asked, to anticipate your needs, to be the perfect partner, to be your man. And with me so in love with you there is nothing you could ask which I wouldn't do for you. I think this is gonna be perfect between us." He was leaning into the computer, as was I. I felt him through the distance between us. This though, screen to screen, was going to be the closest we could be. At least for another six weeks. "Will you..?" He looked down for a moment.

"Stop." I said.

"I only need your word, for now."

"It can wait til you're here in person."

"I guess I do get a bit carried away." He winked.

"Alex," I started softly "If you rescue me, I'll give you all of me."

"Mesa, you just have to say the word and I'll have our own place tomorrow. I'll fly you over and pay for your visa. I'll marry you without hesitation. No thought." And it would be that easy. I'd sell my car to a family member and get sorted. My step dad and  I have been getting along for a record breaking amount of time. I told Alex about when I would get kicked out and tomorrow would be filled with uncertainty. If I did get kicked out again, I wouldn't be homeless. And if my mother didn't step in as she hadn't in the past, I would be going home. My home that's 5,000 miles away. To my new family that couldn't wait to meet me and for me to be an official member of their family. I hadn't even met them and already I was welcomed and I couldn't wait to be with them. To hug Alex's mother and for her to view me as a daughter. To meet his brothers and have a coke with Alex's dad - who was also a livid coke drinker. It was all too perfect. I was born in the wrong place. But it's alright, because I've found my home, it's just a matter of going back.

Giving My All

                “You’d better watch yourself, chick.” He said, tilting his head in the web cam. He winked at me, his eyes blue right now. Sometimes they were green. My British mood ring.

                “Oh yeah, and why’s that?” I asked, watching him twirl a small black box over his chest.

                “Because I’ve got a ring,”

                “You mean like over the phone?” I asked, being cute. He smiled and opened the velvet wonder so only he could see the contents. He teasingly turned it ever so slightly, knowing the glare of the web cam wouldn’t be able to show much detail. “Better watch it buddy,” I said, turning back to my homework.

                “I think you’d better watch it. You’d better be on your guard 24/7. Got a ring, but what kind? Wedding? Engagement? Promise? Or maybe just an ‘I like you lots ring’?”

                “Well can’t be a wedding ring because we’re not engaged. It can’t be an engagement ring because you haven’t met my mother yet,” I said, starting down the list. I also already knew that he wouldn’t tell me about an engagement ring. I knew right when he was going to propose though, at least I knew how I wanted him to do it. And I have a pretty good way of knowing these things.

                “Ah, your Mum will love me – oops – I mean Mom.”  This is how our conversations went. We always talked about the future. It was Alex’s favorite topic, and I loved how he was so passionate about it – about me. How sensual he could be, how sensual he promised to be. He always spoke of me, and I felt bad that my own mother hasn’t taken the interest that his Mum has taken to me. His mum promises to be my best friend and go shopping and has even said that she can’t wait til I’m her daughter in-law. And that thrilled Alex. It worried me.  Alex’s mum was an attorney for women who were trying to escape abusive relationships so naturally she could easily tell when someone had a good soul. And she said I was the best thing to happen to Alex, which he agreed with. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, I feel myself being pulled to you, pulled thousands of miles just so our souls can be one, like they were always meant to be.”

                He called us soul mates. It was alarming how fast it all was moving. I loved him more than anything. I respected his family and couldn’t wait to meet them. I’ve gone as far as to prepare myself to leave America behind, so that he wouldn’t have to sacrifice his great family and full time job. I’d be willing to start all over – maybe that’s what was best for me anyways. No one loves Bay City like I do. But there are so many ghosts that haunt me here as well. I’d have to leave everything behind. My friends, my family, I’d have no car, or driver’s license, no job, or immediate family. I would be going from an independent adult to basically a child again. It was a lot to ponder. But something I’d be willing to do for love.  

                It was like I was telling my English instructor, “…but I love him. And better me than him.”

Blessings

“You had better not run away with him and get married.” My mother warned. She was sewing something Christmas themed, even though it was March. Lately my mom had been trying her best to complete tasks she hasn’t had time for. Finishing her stitchery and working on lawn chairs. Cleaning out the kitchen and getting framed pictures on the walls. And yet the garland was still on the porch outside.

                “I wouldn’t rob you of that.” I said. “I know how much you want a wedding for one of your daughters.”

                “You’re damn right!” she said, taking a moment to fight off Armani, who was trying to steal string from her lap. “But it’s more than that. If you leave with him, you’ll never come back. I won’t see you again until my funeral!”

                “Mom, I told you I wanted to move far away. I said how about Australia and you said ‘go for it!’.”

                “That’s because I knew you’d never do it.”

I laughed and she did too, but it felt like a knife to my heart. All my crazy rants I’ve had since I was a child might have been crazy and farfetched, and some were thought to be forgotten, but they were still my dreams and I had every intention of making them come true. My mother didn’t believe in me. And my father didn’t care about my relationships.

                “I’m not 12 anymore.” I said.

                “I know, but in my eyes you’ll always be a child.” It wasn’t that I’d be a child in her eyes because I was her baby – her youngest most innocent daughter – but that I’d always be a child because I was incapable to being an adult. I might wear power ranger pajamas or be obsessed with Thunderbirds and still enjoy Pokemon, but I work myself to death and pay my own bills. Half the reason I’m in Criminal Justice was because she said she was proud of me. “MY daughter, a police officer!” it was all the reassurance I needed.

                “Mom, I’m trying to be able to talk to you about this stuff.” I pleaded. She grew serious and smiled lightly.

                “I know, hun, it’s just too soon to get excited. I won’t worry about it until he’s in our kitchen.”

At that point it’ll be too late. I’ll already be gone.

“If you want a man to completely give up other women…

                …You have to give him yourself completely.” I looked up at her slowly. I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. After Shane and I broke up it was like my life was suddenly an open book. But not just any open book – an open joke book. My Mom was proud I hadn’t slept with him, even though I loved him and those were the conditions he laid down. Even when I was with Shane there was Alex online (“Relationships aren’t about putting conditions down, there are compromises sometimes, but it’s about acceptance…”). My mom knew I loved him. She saw it as my life shifted, as Shane stepped away and I lost it for about two weeks; crying myself to sleep and not eating. I poured myself into my school work as much as I could. Where else was I going to put my energy?

                At this point my mother’s main concern was keeping me happy and healthy, and helping me not to become heartbroken again. That would mean giving up guys completely. Still she shined with pride as I told her I wasn’t going to put myself in an uncertain situation – like sex with Shane – just because he wanted that. This was my life and my body was mine. I told the ex a time frame and it still wasn’t good enough. There wasn’t that love there. And even if there was, he wouldn’t understand it. And he abused it.

                I told my mom that I just wasn’t interested in sex. Really I’m barely ever in the mood and it’s just as easy to ignore it as it is to take care of it. Most of the time I ignore it. She seemed happy but also had that look when she didn’t understand something. “Well, Melissa,” She said, hovering around my bedroom. “Someday you’re going to fall in love with a man, and you’ll want to have sex with him. Be it after marriage or before. That’s how you’ll know it’s real.” Probably the most horrible advice I had ever heard. Ashley must’ve been in true love so many times then. You can’t just tell a girl that when she wants to have sex with someone, he’s the one. But my mom knew I was different from those other girls. That advice is dangerous to a normal female, but I’m not normal. When I fall in love – real true love – I’ll want to have sex with him and he’ll be the one.

                “I hope you’re willing to make that sacrifice,” she said.

 I thought of Alex.

                “You’re going to love him, ma.” I smiled.

She wears an egyptian ring - that sparkles before she speaks

I hated it at first. That little blue light on the television that was brighter than it seemed to have a right to be. How dare it illuminate the room when I'm trying to sleep - stretched out across my aunts short couch. And the wind - how dare it be so loud and whistly against the centennial windows. What was that noise, no...wait that one too?

Living in the city had left its mark on me. If I had continued to live in Auburn these sounds wouldn't be so alien to me. I loved the wind battering against the house. I'd burrow deep into my duvet and imagine someone I love had their arms around me. Keeping me warm and safe. I guess for now, as I continue to sleep alone, I'll just have to trust in the atmosphere around me and hope that the trees around continue to stay faithful. Faithful like him.