Paradise Lost

I never knew what the term 'living dead' quite meant until now. I can't sleep, my body aches, I can't get my homework done, and I'm hungry to the point where I eat whatever; it doesn't even matter anymore. I had a 1000 word biology paper due today (very important) and I couldn't do it last night and so I couldn't turn it in today. And I've got that annoying voice in my head saying I should've made up my mind sooner on a topic. That way it would've been done by last night. It's not like I was putting it off; I couldn't decide on a topic and when it comes to these papers I'm overstressed right away because I feel like they have to be absolutely perfect. In every way shape and form Call it the writer in me. If I was this motivated in all areas of aspect, I'd be flawless myself. I guess no ones perfect. Even if my friends say they didn't think I'd want to hang out because "I'm too cool", and the sad part is they don't mean it in a mean way. They're serious. The most serious of them all is John. Whom I thought was too cool to want to hang out with me. Suddenly I'm cooler because I'm comfortable with myself and have someone who loves me unconditionally who I love also. Now that I think about it, yeah I am cooler than them.

I'm kidding. (maybe...but serioulsy...maybe)

To make my life that much better, my step dad defyed my mother (his wife) again and went ahead and got a gun. Not a little gun, a nice man killing machine. I remember laying in bed and hearing him down in the living room on the phone talking about gun prices and him saying if he bought if online it was cheaper. What was the cheaper price? $200. Not cheap when your mom has to work 2 jobs and go to school just to keep a roof over our heads. Senior was complaining because our income tax money always goes towards the house. Well, yeah you dumb ass, we live in it and you sit on your ass in it. You want money to blow off? Get a fucking job and sell the shit in the back yard. Trust me, they don't make the back yard look pretty.

I know he's getting ready to tell her because he's doing exactly what he did when he got the puppy. He's actually going stuff around the house. What bothers me is he asks for my opinion then when I give it to him he talks about all the flaws involved in it. Even though I know what mom wants more than he does. Clearly.

Work is starting out rough. It's what I wanted alright, a job where I don't have to talk to anyone and I get to just work on my own and at my own pace. It's exactly that. I get books (and right now I'm still getting "trained") and take the cart upstairs and stock the shelves (flagging the books I place on the shelf so that they can come up behind me and make sure I'm doing it right. I have to pass with 95% or more three times in a row, or else start all over. It takes me about an hour and a half with about 70 books or so. So far I've gotten 98%, 95%, and a 96%. My body aches come from bending down and moving around trying to put books away but I know it'll eventually get easier for me. I remember nearly dieing my first week of school because I was starving and my body killed. But now I don't feel anything. Haha, I'm immune to the pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. I've gotta go home and do laundry and my government homework. Doesn't seem I'll have much time tomorrow to do it.

Had a bag of chips for lunch and they kicked ass. And I approve of this message.

The floor is shaking

So I got the job at the library. They called the other day out of the blue and asked if I still wanted the position. I said fuck yeah. So I start on Monday, which is good because I need to start making the moneys. I'll be making less than when I was working at COH, but it's a lot closer, and the job is what I want. It's quiet, I don't have to talk to people, and I get to keep to myself. Plus I'm right down town like I wanted to be since I graduated high school. Hopefully I don't end up working hard for a job I end up hating like I did last time. The people seem friendly. The lady in the administrative office today said she remembered reading my profile and was glad she got to meet me. I had to watch this silly drug awareness video to complete everything and I seriously had moments when it would make me smile. The acting was terrible but at least it wasn't one from the 80's but it was just as bad. Afterwards, I went home and went to sleep. I was very tired. Stayed in bed til around one when I went to subway for nick and I got my self the usual despite the fact today is Friday and I'm not supposed to be eating meat. Tomorrow is state wide no meat Saturday thanks to our amazing governor.

I'd like to go for a walk today with Taylor down by the river walk. Maybe check out the newest section they have which is supposed to be right next on the water. My Dad's all excited for all the cat fishing and such. Good luck with that. I'll just have to make sure I switch shoes first cuz these ones are definitely not for walking in. I'm realizing that once I start working I'll really be short on the free time. I'll have to do my homework as soon as possible just to make sure I don't get behind. Then there's my friends too. All my classes are going great, but now they all want me to start doing papers. And extensive ones too; I don't know how I'm going to get them done. At least the one for my biology class. I have to write a paper on something scientific that's going on in the world. I was going to do genetic mutations of the such but that's a subject that's way too broad; they don't even know what really causes them. Plus when I move it to one that isn't that broad like spina bifida which runs in my family, I can't write about it because it makes me feel like I'm going to be sick. Plus, once again, they don't exactly know what causes it, just how to help reduce the risk of have a still birth or a child with the defect. So I have less than a week to find a topic, good sources, and write a 1000 word paper on the subject. Oh, and I have to do a good job so I don't lose the B I'm sitting on. We'll see how this goes.

According to natural selection I'll have 14 kids

I feel compelled to continue writing. Mostly because I still have over an hour until class starts. I successfully avoided my homework too. Oh well. It's just english. I kinda regret brining the extra books though. My back pack can't support the extra weight like a it should. Not to mention my back will be killing me tonight just from sitting in class and now it'll hurt even more. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I'm so tired from not being able to sleep last night. I was thinking of the past and getting pissed off. Meanwhile the voice in my head told me to stop or else I'd never fall asleep. Well, guess what, I didn't.

I tried to think about Believe last night too. But it's been so long since I've written (again) that I don't quite remember what I was going on about...I'll have to re-read and try to continue. I'm lost in the characters. How am I going to pull it off...?

And for a split second, the thought of skipping class came across my mind. But I won't. It's just one class a week for three hours. I can sit through it. Even though I don't think I read what I was supposed to. Also, I need to start working on my bio paper. My topic is genetic mutations basically. I'll just do the one that runs in my family. And according to what my teacher said, people with genetic issues like that often don't (or aren't supposed to) reproduce at all, so stop the chain from continuing. The way I see it with how it used to effect my family (which is almost killed off already) the future generations won't be around forever anyways. It's killing more than are surviving it.

Well, I'm going to get off the computer and go sit somewhere else. Preferably in a softer chair. After all, I'll be sitting for three hours straight. Never mind the fact that classroom chairs are way more comfy than this one.

Five hours of nothing and GaGa's quickly convincing me not to do my homework.

So, thanks to my step fathers inability to realize a marriage is a two way street, he defied my mother and brought the puppy home. So now we have a puppy that, although it is training relatively quickly, I can already see some troubles brewing and (oddly enough) they're not about money. My stupid ass step father (easy, buddy) is doing his job of taking care of the puppy like he's supposed to be, but he's sorta adopted this new attitude against me (what am I talking about? That's not new!) But it seems to have gotten worse. Now I know that the boys have it WAY easier than anything close to what the rest of us kids had to grow up with, but when they push past me when I'm patiently waiting to get through you can damn well bet that I'm going to knock them on their ass. Which of coarse gets me a lecture from my mother that I need to take it easier on them ('cuz they have it so hard, I know). And when I remind them that they aren't the only ones living in that house and that courtesy actually exists I get my dumb fuck step father yelling at me to leave them alone because "I'm not their parents". Fine, next time Logan is sick at school I won't go pick him up because his shitty truck won't run. Besides, that's his parents job to pick them up at school. Not mine. I should've thrown that at him. I will next time he brings it up, which shouldn't take that long.

So, since we're talking about dumb asses, let's bring up the topic of John. Now, I don't actually think John is a dumb ass, but he does and some of the stuff he says makes me think otherwise. John's just going through a phase that he'll hopefully get through in one piece. He's lonely because he feels that he'll never have what others have. Which is a significant other. It's not all about getting laid anymore. He says every one's dumb fucks for not appreciating what they have. And that he'd never take it for granted. He's never experienced love outside of his mother. I think this whole state of mind has something to do with growing up a chunk of his life without a father. My dad was there for him as much as possible. While he was a father figure for John for many moons, he can't be anymore. John actually avoids him like he's afraid to face him. Even when my father expresses happiness to see him when they bump in public. There's nothing wrong with John's mother. Nick, April, and I miss her greatly. She was just as much apart of our lives as they were his. We camped, lived, and spent lots of time together. I don't have a good childhood memory that doesn't involved John and Mary in some way, shape, or form.

When we were youngsters, mostly through elementary school, John and I would actually go through phases where we HATED each other. We would fight and be just disgusted with each other. This usually lasted about a year. Which is a lot of time wasted when I think about how much fun we always had together when we weren't trying to lose each other in Jump N' Shout or DZ Discovery Zone. We made little episodes on recorded tape called "Radio Sherling" (Lady Gaga had this thing too we recently discovered from a teenager called "Radio GaGa"). While I was at Johns the other night we thought about how crazy it would be to do that again. When actually we sort of have already started except with video. We're working on remaking Gaga's videos and "Born to be Alive". Once John works a little bit a lot more on his house, we'll have an entire house to do our video shoots. For now, aside from getting John to come around mentally, we're working on our gaga costumes...which is kinda on a stand still. It'll be moving quicker when I get some money (oh i dunno A JOB!) and John finds his peace.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity...FUCK!

Well I just got the magic phone call to say whether or not I got the job at the library. And I didn't. GO FUCKING FIGURE! Might as well just die. The good news is that the lady said that she's going to keep my name on file because she knows some of the other pages are leaving soon and instead of doing another interview, they'll just hire me at the next convenience. Don't hold your breath though, she made it sound like it could be soon, but I'm sure it'll be FOREVER. FUCKING FAIL!
I don't know what made me think I'd get to Disney world for a job when I can't even get employed by a gas station or a library. Excuse me while I go wish I was employed now.

An epiphany

Ya know what I realized? I can post any video I want and Taylor wouldn't watch it if it somehow related to Lady Gaga. So that means I can post all sorts of shit and he wouldn't know it was directed at him as long as I title it something to do with the Gaga. I could have all sorts of video secrets and inside jokes and he wouldn't ever know. Not that I have a problem with him hating everything to do with Lady GaGa (I just won't let him see me on Halloween, when the opinion of her will surely change) it just gets crazy after a while.

Yesterday we owned a puppy for a record time of about two hours. We got it, and then mom came home and said we couldn't keep it. I shouldn't make it sound like I'm bummed or surprised. I'm not. I knew right when I saw it ("WTH is that!?) that mom would throw a fit. Senior seems to think we need a dog to keep the yard safe. What yard? This is Bay City, there isn't a house here that can properly raise a dog. Not unless you are blessed with an empty lot by your house or a small dog and a big house. Oh well, pit bulls are bad pets anyhow.

Taylor got pissed yesterday because I was over at his house an our later than normally. I would've been over at about the normal time but I became distracted with the sudden appearance of a canine in the house. An adorable puppy with floppy ears and a little brown spot on her face and she just wobbled up to me and was ADORABLE! We all know how I get with baby animals anyhow. Never mind the fact I'm easily distracted in the first place, but normally I'd been able to just go on my way. Make a sandwich for dinner and leave still hungry. Then Taylor is bummed I don't want to eat dinner at his house. If I'm not a big fan of what they're having I'd rather be awkward at my house then be awkward at his and (not only be hungry still) but have his family make smart ass remarks about how I don't eat enough or how I don't think they make enough to eat. Which isn't true for their case. I was comparing them to my DAD at the time. Whom makes whole steaks for each person present. I'm so tired of people thinking I'm anorexic just because I'm skinny and don't eat in front of them. No, when I got to hang out with friends I eat BEFORE I got hang out with them. It's the polite thing to do unless eating was apart of the scheduled program.

Another thing. I feel kinda bad for John, even though he sorta brings it upon himself. He says he's giving up on girl chasing because it's hopeless. (I still owe him five bucks from losing a bet that a certain girl would say yes...she said no). He's all depressed and taking pills like they're candy. Drinking all the time, etc. I noticed he's become a little bit more "clingy" to me. He spends money on me like it doesn't matter. And sure a few bucks isn't much to care about but when he gets employee of the month and he celebrates (not by getting drunk, although I'm sure he did) by taking me out to dinner at the Great Wall. Well, hot damn I love that place. When John and I hang out we never stop talking, there is always SOMETHING that sparks our attention. We went to Hot Topic and discovered all the new Lady Gaga merchandise. We saw Austin at the mall and he joined us as well. John and him ofcoarse got off well and Austin was telling the clerk at hot topic how he knows these two girls who are just OBSESSED with Twilight and everyone in it and NEVER stop talking about it. John started to laugh and said that that's how he and I were, except with Lady Gaga. The clerk said that they sponser Gaga now and they have all the goods that we could want. Cheaper than online to. I was on amazon.com and got a lady gaga poster for about 4 bucks and the Poker Face Remixes CD for about 1 dollar. So hot damn, this is my jam, keep me partin' to the A.M., ya'll don't understand, makes me throw my hands in the ayre, ay- ayre, ayre, ay- ayre. Sorry, just had to...

Happy Birthday Shannon, this ones for you

Oh, a Disco Heaven!

Lady GaGa

Have you ever read anything that was so Christian that you just had to find a blunt object and kill whoever said it just to make sure the future of the world doesn't continue to be populated with idiots of such? Well I have. I think we all have at some point. Whether we are friends with such or are the such. I was blog searching today on google (thank you blogger) and I came across a blog that sparked my interest (although it was clearly a christian blog) enough that after my computer crashed I looked it back up and read what it had to say. What sparked my interest so? Well it must be something pretty damn amazing if it caught MY attention and was a religious matter. The headline stated that Lady GaGa was a witch and was taking over the world and corrupting it with her music. I instantly LOVED the blog. Now I love Lady GaGa even more than that. But the scary thing was (or awesome thing was) that a lot of it made sense. Her costumes are weird yes, but they have been seen before, they all are (well 90% of them) are all replicas of Egyptian costumes, or mythological such.

• The Anubis is by FAR my favorite costume. I've been in love with the Egyptians since I saw the christian movie "The Prince of Egypt" when I was in elementary school. And I am attempting to make the costume for Halloween. Anubis, as we all know, is the God of Death. Seen here sported by Lady GaGa the Goddess herself.

The Lightening bolt over the right eye symbolizes Horus, also an Egyptian god, and when her hand is by her eye (as seen here) it symbolizes the Sun, and the other eye further away symbolizes the moon.

Lady GaGa of coarse wears the lightning bolt as much as possible. The accusations are that Gaga sold her soul to the devil for Fame and Money. Which are two of her songs. Two of her influences are David Bowie and Ono something rather, which are both "devil worshippers" according to the blog. I'm doing this by memory mind you.

• THIS MY FRIENDS...is the Monster Ball. Designed by the Gaga herself, it is said to represent Saturn and its five rings, and the five pointed star. I think its fucking fabulous if you ask me.

This was one of the more controversial ones (oh you Christians, giving me something to talk about still). Here's what they had to say: "Interesting to see red around her when she’s throwing the symbolism of the feminine capstone of Lucifer. Notice how she highlights the eye which represents the Sun. The Left eye is of course the Moon and the one which Horus had ripped out by Seth. Remember the TRIangle is itself the symbol of the masculine Satan, the planet Saturn and his three angels."

"Note the witchcraft “broken cross” under her votive hand. We can’t forget her very own TRIangle headphones" More info from them. I guess triangles are bad and anti-Christ. And of coarse the "monster claw" she does (it's actually more of a salute) is called a "triad claw" which symbolizes Satan. After every concert and in every music video she does it for her fans. John and I give people "the claw" all the time.

Well, ya know what Christians? I'll be a witch if I can be with Lady Gaga. She's not like the religious folk, when she says she stands up for something, she proves it by doing it, not preaching endlessly. She says "Be yourself and never be afraid to be different". And I am living by that cuz' we're free bitches, baby!