You were my best friend

Gaga was at my house the other day. She walked up into my bedroom, sat on me in bed, woke me up and put her hand around my neck yelling: "What the fuck are you doing? Get out there, bitch!". So here I am, getting two jobs and living the life Gaga says we should. A free one. Saving my money so I can get what Gaga represents. Freedom. And here I am, great people have called me a 'mini gaga' a name I am honored to carry. And together, with teamwork with John, we shall get the life we were meant to have. Absolute freedom from criticism where we can create a world where we can thrive and allow ourselves to evolve into what we're supposed to be.

And now, I've realized just what I thought was true as a kid: The world is closer than you think. Here I come world. I hope you're ready. I hope you're ready to see me everywhere you go. The book store, television, and online. Everywhere. Once this gets out, there's no holding us back. See you on the flip side. Bright lights, and long nights. I'll kill you then bring you back to life.

I'll always love you.

Blueberry Kisses For-e-ever

I'm doing better now. Which can be saying very little if you knew how far out I was previously. The healing process is a long one, that's for sure. I'll be traveling again in no time and my woes will be left here in my home town while I'm far away. When John got employee of the month a while back he won two exclusive tickets for a two night stay on Macinaw Island itself. And guess who he's taking? Me! I'm very exciting. As if being around John isn't fun enough but 48 hours of comedy in a new place for free? Crazy goodness. John managed to get the necessary days off and so did I (luckily) and we have our room reserved and alls well. Except that John still has to run it by his mom, yikes. Good luck to him. We'll probably take my car since it has cruise control (more loved than you know) and way better gas milage. Either way we'd make it there in one tank, but my wagon would have more left over, which would save us money on the way home.

My Aunt Susie asked if I would pet sit for her this week (starting Tuesday) and I'm excited for that too! I get a week with Demon and all his other cat family. My aunt doesn't have the goats anymore (at least living there anymore) so that'll make my stay a little bit easier. I'm sure all will be fine.

It seems that temperature is falling quickly. Especially at night. When John and I leave the Texan (where the a/c makes you want to die) we get bombarded by the cold breeze, and here I was thinking I'd find some relief outside of the building. At least when John and I get home to our dark warm house, he knows without even asking whether or not I would like the air on. And then we lay on the couch and sigh as the shadows of our past dance in the dark.

I don't have to remind you, but you know that I'm around

"I know, I'll remind him I wear caution tape." It was what I woke up to. It was like someone woke up in my head was telling me what was up and what was down. I spend my life making sure I don't break. I can make sure I don't get upset and heart broken by pretending I don't care (and eventually I won't because I say it) but I can't take a moment when I'm sad or disappointed and pretend to be okay and make it that way. My diaries gathering dust because I don't know what to tell it. My story has changed to dramatically but at the same time it feels like I've always known it would take this route. Like I've been sleeping and something smacked me right in the face and woke me up saying "Remember what you said when you were in second grade? Well get to it!"

I do though. I remember when I first met John and we were sitting in the bath tub (not taking a bath just playing with our beanie babies) and we looked at each other and were utterly amazed by the other person. There was no shyness ever between us. It wasn't like saying hello to a new person, but saying 'how have you been?' to someone you haven't seen in a long time. We laughed and said "You have brown eyes? I do too! You have brown hair? ME TOO!" And then we got in trouble for being in the bathroom together. A memory we both still laugh at. More then ten years later.

Throughout growing up, John and I stayed close friends although we never actually admitted it. He told his friends about me but they didn't believe him ("John knows a girl? No way!"). And I told my friends but they could've cared aless about anything outside of school. Later on (last year) John got probation for throwing several panes of glass and random objects into that kids yard. And later in high school I dropped those friends off the face of the planet and my new friends love us both.

Back to 8th grade, my Dad and Johns Mom split up and said we couldn't see each other anymore either. My dad made excuses like "oh, Johns out of town", or "Johns sick...again". I tried to find him, and I didn't know it, but he was trying to get to me too. We lived a block away from each other but it seemed worlds apart. He was never where I was and we lived in different time zones it seemed. He ran the river walk in the morning, I walked it in the evening. He ate at restaurants on the opposite side of town as me, and I was in the mall. We went to different schools; schools that were in different classes (Western was a class A school). So our teams never went against each other. He was in baseball I was in the marching band. He was on stage, I was behind it. The only time we were together those whole four years was when we were furthest apart. I searched for him on AIM and myspace, he called my old friend Heather trying to find me (she told me about it junior year when he actually called her looking for me). There was only once I saw him outside Rudy J's with his mom when my dad and I were driving by.

Then, Junior year (sometime in the winter, I could tell you if I had my journal with me) April and I went over to Marys house to get our stuff and we discovered the pipes broke. So, of coarse we had to go check it out. We got to Mary's and John answered the door, looked confused and paused when he saw me. I had hot pink high lites and pig tails in. It was definitely my punk stage. We barely spoke the whole time until I was up in my room packing up some stuff and I heard the door open and I turned around and saw him. He said hello and started walking around the room talking about how crazy the whole pipe thing was. I reminded him that the dollar bill nailed to the wall was his (from when I had my bar up and running). We went downstairs and when I left I taped my number to the door so he'd call me. I can't remember if he did. But I remember getting home from visiting band camp that 08 summer and right as I walked in the door the home phone rang and it was John. (at 11pm at night, not the greatest timing, but oh well).

We talked for about an hour and hung up. Then it was another several months before he decided to stop by Judy's house randomly to see me. (again at 10pm), with his friend Jacob. Then right before John went on probation he looked me up on facebook and found me. That's really when we started talking again and when we started hanging out every month or so. He picked me up with three of his guy friends and we went to the Texan til 1am and they left to throw glass in some kids yard (see above story). I told him not to but what do I know. Next year he'll be off probation, but really it hasn't stopped him from doing anything or being a free bitch.

People don't understand us, but they love the story. The only thing that ever came easy was him. "Are you hungry for wonderful? 'Cause I am. I wrote a song about your eyes, ate a piece of cherry pie, I cried all night. " - Lady Gaga

I told myself one morning long ago, that I'd never let my heart break. It wasn't made to shatter, just like the rest of me. It's flexible and forgetful, just like me. No guy would ever hurt me because I'm invincible, just like I'd train my heart to be. But then there was you and you were the loop hole in this equation because you're not just like me. You squeezed in and found a new home and now I'm living with the consequence of an old love that died and new guy who replaced him. But he's the same guy, but he's just not like me.

I'm powerful and I won't break that easily, yeah you're not like me, and I may not be she, but before her there was nothing and I made you into who you should have been, but even you couldn't be that.

I wish I could slap you, push you, and never see your face again. How your hurtful words affect me you'll never know. It'll never be what it was because lifes not what it seems. Not anymore, but now I've got a clear vision and a tight grip on things, and lifes got a loose grip on me. I'm going to explore this world, until you find you and I find me. Then you'll seek me out, because I'll always haunt you. But when you find me, I'll never be where you are. I'm just memory and that time and place will never exist at the same time again.

Every shadow is yours and every light is his. I'll walk over you and fly away. Say you hate me and you never really wanted me, I know it's not true. I loved you with all that love could ever be but when I wasn't enough for you, I was everything he ever could have wanted, and I dove through his eyes to find you but you weren't willing to love anymore. So you shut me up and I shut you out. Goodbye Vinewood. Hello Hollywood. Chase me if you want but you're better off going back to the way you were. Pretend to be happier with someone else, but even you know nobody else will ever be able to replace me.