I don't know if it was because she was drunk, or maybe, finally, talking to me on a level I'd never reached with her before. Molly said she had recently considered suicide. She said it'd been so hard lately, that she almost drove out into an intersection. How easy she thought it would be, to just get it over with. She looked at me like it was nothing. I felt the same way.
"I thought about it recently too," I said. "I thought 'I could drive my car off this bridge', but I might survive. But on a
motorcycle, well, my chances of dying are increased with that."
"Exactly!" she said like we finally connected. "But what about insurance? Especially if I failed and lived. I couldn't make Dan deal with the increased rates." Insurance rates, that's why my best friend was still alive. My inability to buy a motorcycle right now, was that why I was still alive? Was Armani a reason I am still alive right now? I fought to keep him alive as a kitten it would be rude for me to take life away from myself. But for a while there I thought I was going to die. Work was great, school was great, my friends are supportive and my family is getting along for the moment. But my heart felt lifeless. I was living for myself, and I was not worth it. I thought about boxing some of my stuff up and giving them to friends to hang on to "in case something happened". In case one morning I just didn't wake up, in case my chest pains were too much one day, in case an accident really did occur, in case I died.
It scared me how much sense it made to me. It made sense to kill myself. I just thought "What else would make the pain go away? What would bring me peace?" Where's my mind now? Not sure. Not even sleep knows where I am.
Frank has been acting strange. He doesn't touch me anymore. There's no passion. There's no playing. There's no love when I get in his car, but merely a glance and raised eye brows. He won't cut the cord from his parents and wants to be with them more than he wants to be with me. He's 32 and choosing them. Not that you can't choose your parents, but you can't work on your relationship when you're constantly choosing them over your girlfriend. I suggest a romantic holiday so we can FINALLY get some time alone. He tells me no because he'd rather go with his parents, because they pay for everything. Well, good luck having sex and reproducing with your parents.
Where's the hand on my waist that I used to love so much?
Molly's tried getting the hint across. She said she went up to him when he was avoiding me when we were at a bar for a friends birthday party this past weekend and said, pointing at me across the room, "Look at your beautiful woman over there, Francis, you should have your arms around her right now, go give her a big kiss." he simply replied "Oh yeah?"
Then later when I was third wheel to his convo my cousin said, "Frank you're lucky, you've got the supermodel girlfriend, fun and thin." He simply looked at me and smiled. Yeah, don't hurt yourself showing affection. It's terrible to let people know you're straight and love me. At least you said you did.
I tried to talk to him about it when he took me home. He tried to avoid it the whole time. At my back door he held me and didn't let go. Such a nice embrace, I felt him for once. Felt his warmth, how solid he was. It was either a hug to reassure me he loved me, or a goodbye hug. It might've been a goodbye hug, if I had my motorcycle.
