I almost lost my job because of it

I awoke to the sound of Alaina. Which is impossible now. I was sleeping on my stomach and I heard her meow and I replied with the typical moan to let her know I'm on my bed. Which is what I always did because she would freak out until she heard me. Then I think "Alaina in my room? Impossible. It must be Queenie." But it wasn't. I KNOW Alaina's meow, and that was it. I sat up and looked around. Nothing. I was alone. My door was closed and I was alone. I started to lay back down when I heard it again. I shot up. "Alaina!?" I called. I stood up too quickly and nearly fell over. And she meowed again. She was here! In my room somewhere! Where, where, where? I looked around hectically until I found where it was coming from. Outside my window. Not just 'outside', but on the front porch roof trying to claw her way into my room. I immediately started pushing the screen out to get to her. And in a matter of seconds I had her in my arms and I was hugging her and she was purring and meowing and rubbing her face against mine. Then I freaked out for a second. What the fuck was my cat doing on the fucking roof? I was instantly pissed beyond health. Did someone think they were being funny? What if it had started to storm and she couldn't get down? I carried Alaina down stairs and saw I was home alone. I had no choice but to put her back outside. I pondered a moment then headed back up to my bedroom to lay down again. This time, as soon as I got comfy I heard her meow again. I got up and checked the window and there she was, by my bedroom window ON THE ROOF again. This time I shut the window and ignored her. Really she's desperate to get back inside (and I'm desperate to get her back in there as well) but she's got to learn that that's wrong. John said she can come over to his house when the weather gets too bad in the winter time, but that's the only guarantee I have. 

I could easily spend the night at Johns house, which would have to be spent alone since he doesn't live in that house and his mother would throw a fit. (For future reference, there's THE house and there's John's house. THE house was the one I used to live in that John inherited. Johns house is where he lives and sleeps and of the like). THE house is starting to actually feel like a house somewhat rather than just a club house. John and I have cleaned up a bit and even though the kitchen is still gutted, the living room is great, with the new couch and all. And the we visit the front porch frequently to see if we got mail. (Yes, WE since it would be labeled. Mr. John and Melissa Markiewicz. Which was mostly my doing but John wrote it before I even introduced the idea. Even though we're not sure if we'll even be getting anything because all we did was sign the wedding book at Amanda's wedding.) The bedroom and the living room are finally separate. Even though John and I both have our own things we hate about the bedroom. I think it's too small and he thinks its ugly. But he's got big plans for the house if we were to move into that one. Even though I'm pretty sure we're not. Because his moms all set to put it up for sale once John buys a house. Which is another thing because He's been working a lot lately. You think I'm just saying he's working more than usual. No I mean 12 hour shifts EVERYDAY, mon-sun. And he's taking his co-workers shifts when they offer them up. He hadn't told me this either. I thought it was his normal work schedule but then I figured out it wasn't. He's also officially a supervisor two out of the five week days too. I think he's trying to earn the money needed for a house faster. Even though no matter what we aren't going to move out any sooner since we both agreed to wait til spring so that we don't have to pay for hardcore heat bills. 

And Taylor is another story. I still love him, but is that enough? He says that all I'd have to do is leave John and he would leave his girl and come back to me. But I don't think I could ever leave John. Not even that I would ever want to. The last time I put John second and Taylor first I got hurt, and I said I'd never put him second again. John's never put me second. I can't even see him taking me for granted EVER because of all we've been through. Our history is so intertwined it's silly. It's like a story on it's own. And I don't think I'm ready to give that up. No matter how much it hurts or how it feels like something's missing. Because with John, I at least feel the most complete I have in a while.

Silence

I don't know how to properly explain how my past few days/weeks have been. I wrote a pretty good description on my computer at home, but that's at home. I know I've been a complete mess in a way of sorts. I thought about starting a new blog and not telling anyone about it. I don't know why it hurt so much, maybe because I was lead to believe one thing then had my heart blown to bits. Nothing too new. I've broke down crying in my moms arms, something I haven't done since I was a child. Can't say I've missed it. I don't know how to get over things, and I'm not used to getting a taste of my own medicine, or playing with someone who decided to play on my level. What happens when a goddess crumbles? It's not pretty, I can tell you that.

I haven't been able to properly sleep right, but I don't know exactly why that's happening. Maybe because the boy I love made me believe he didn't love me anymore. I honestly tried to drop him off the face of the planet, for my own sanity. But I couldn't. Too many songs and tears. I needed him to be there, even if it meant living in pain forever. Maybe one day I'll look at him and not crave him so bad, because I know getting back together would cause unfixable damage. It's already war time between friends and people want people dead and nothing can be fixed once it's this fucked up. But it's only him I want all the time. It's him I want in my bed at night or when I'm alone with the silence, it's him that I think of. Maybe he's the reason there is silence all of a sudden, suddenly my four walls aren't the great friends they used to be. Alaina's gone and now Queenie sleeps on my bed next to me. She looks at me with two kinds of eyes. There's the 'oh god is she going to beat me?' look, then there's the sad sympathetic look that makes people feel even worse because it's coming from a CAT!

I'm okay when I'm with John, but when I get home and I'm alone it's another story. And even he can tell that there's something wrong all of a sudden, he's giving me the same eyes Queenie is. I think I just need to get away, to start a new life somewhere else. My home's become what Western had become, a place for bad memories to fester. So I tell myself I just have to wait and John will provide a place for us both to live and I can start over and forget...but I can't go that long. That's about nine months of thinking and memories and lonely nights. But then again, what if this feeling is temporary? What if I'm over it in a week and I'm all good? But then a week after that I'm back in this funk? That's how it'll happen. It already has. It seems my life has become one big dirty secret. I don't know how to get over it.

All I want for Christmas...is for him to die.

So today should prove to be epic. Well, to start it off, it's mine and Johns one month anniversary. Yes very exciting indeed. John made reservations for Harvey's (an almost impossible restaurant to get into). So that should be good. And I plan on wearing something epic just because I've just recently discovered that fashion is actually very fun and it feels good to look good.

Senior needs to die, but there's no point in getting into it because really it' s the same story different day. He just likes being an ass and nobody cares how it affects me. I know he's just jealous that I'll have two jobs here pretty quick and I'm better off than he ever was, but it still annoys me. He's the only thing that still brings me down. And that needs to end. I already know how I'm going to get back at him though. Time to take some action. We're free bitches!

Yesterday night was definitely worth telling about. John picked up his friend Matt then came and picked me up. Now I can't release too many details but it was definitely a very fun night. We drove around and John and Matt picked up (from trash, mind you) a couch, recliner, two dressers, and a toy chainsaw. We stopped at Johns house first (cuz one of the dressers was actually worth keeping), and then we got rid of the couch. And I'm not saying what we did with that because it was illegal. (lololol) Then they set up a nice living room scene on the rail trail with the recliner and dresser. Then we went out to the Jones road park and we burnt some check stubs that we actually needed to get rid of. Made good use of the gasoline and left. Dropped Matt off at his house then John and I went back to his place for about a half an hour and got back on our way. He also got me an Egyptian box with Anubis on it. It's so cool!

OH! And don't even get me STARTED on Labor day. IT SUCKED! Cathy (my step sister) and her two children and her boyfriend and his daughter (who looks like shes 17 but actually she's a freshman...yuck). And Cathy was Cathy (annoying and rude) and her kids were typical Larkin kids (loud and nosy). And I can feel the tension growing and there's gonna be a fight soon. I just know it. Ever since Senior threw Alaina out (with her screaming because the bastard did something) he's been an ass. GAH I JUST WANT HIM TO DIE!

Disco Love

These burn marks aren't from you,
they're from the rope lights I wrap up in.
When someone says my heart bleeds for you,
it's not a good thing.
It's a disco love story,
300 mirrors and stories living.
But you're not the one to light up my stage.
You're beats a special remix,
I'll always dance to.
But only when no ones looking.
You're life was worth mentioning,
I'll pray we meet again.

~On the dance floor~

You're the sequins on my mic.,
The reason I was always right.
The designer dress is tight,
it's your hands on my rib cage.
The fire burnt bright,
in a unique rage.
I'll hold you when I sing and dance,
but at the same time,
that's when I'm furthest away.
The dream was great but now it's real.
It's coming too fast, no time to heal.
Gotta take what I'm given.
Plastic hearts don't break,
go ahead and take, all I am.
But you're like a memory.
Chasing tail that won't lead you to me.
Just as well, I've left, run away.
I've departed your world.

This is what I aimed Nick.

tell him 'melissa doesn't hit fans, she hits air conditioners'

and has parties in hotel lobbys

2:29pmMe

with the ladies and fellas swining axes at niggas

driving my car at 90, going to go crazy, drive on the sidewalk, hit samantha

flying like a hawk, gonna gonna hafta, run from the cop, cuz i still wanna shop.

but i hafta stop, cuz there's a sign, but im a rebel and i tip cows and break my vows to the books and swans

so fly me a river and sweep me a dream cuz im gonna drift into a rock and hid til 2012 and then ima rock it everywhere

catch a meteor and throw it at you

laugh at the plagues and swim with the fire tornado, cuz the pheraos on my side and i dance for RA

the sun will shine and the water will fall and the printers makin noise

so print me some lyrics and wash my car, the end of the world is on its way and i'm gone

gone so far

You're Still My Password

I think there's two kinds of love. There's the love I know I feel for John. The kind of love that you can picture you two together a long time for now, and feel that's how it's supposed to be. Like a soul mate kind of thing. Then there's the longing, passionate, I-can't-breathe-without-you love. When I wake up in the morning, I think of starting my day, and I think of John. And when I lay down at night, who do I wish was next to me? That's a different story all together. Night and Day are two different stories. And I cause myself so much pain because I know what I need, what I deserve, and technically what I want. But why is there still pain? Because I moved on before I was ready? I thought it was easier when you had someone new, to get over someone old?

But still, every now and then I see your face and wish it was with mine again. But even I know that can never happen. Sometimes I want you so bad it hurts and I can't sleep. But I can't just do something bout it. I try to let John fill that void, but it's not the same. He can fill it all he wants, but if I eat something I'm not craving, I'll still go looking for it, no matter how full I am. Even when I KNOW it wouldn't work out and that it would ruin EVERYTHING. Grieving the dead is never easy. Especially when they're still alive.