If you were dead I'd still love you; I don't care.

I was so pissed at Alaina this morning, I didn't know what to do with myself. She knew she was introuble because everytime she passed me, she didn't look at me like she normally does. Just walked on by, making sure there weren't any flying objects coming at her from behind.

I'm starting to get the vibe that nobody in my family takes me seriously. I'll be getting out of the shower and I'll hear my step dad bad mouthing my decisions or way of life and my Mom would have to defend me, even though I know she doesn't think much of it either. I'm healthy, alive, in school, and not pregnant, so I don't know why they're even complaining. Want me to be more like April? Want me to move out with my boyfriend in my Dads house? Have no life and work all the time?

I just want to type and forget that I have to go home in about an hour. So in a little bit I'll be typing more of my story up if I can. These commons computers don't have Word I don't think. Nope, only has word pad. So I can't even if I wanted to. I'm getting really sick of all this cold weather. Seems summer will never be here. I can't wait to fix my bike and get back into shape (haha). I miss state park and going swimming, sunburns and being outside. It's getting there though. I'm going to be getting my Easter Village out soon, once my parents clean off that card table in the living room.

REMINDER: I need to buy a new polish christmas bulb from bronners this summer...when is lent??

Rubix Cube

When you have a problem, what do you do? You could sit around and wait for someone else to fix it, you could pray that God fixes it, you could complain mercilessly about it, or (this one always seems to work best) you could do something about it! And that's what I've led myself to do: find a solution to my problem. What's my problem? Well I could sum it up and say my life, but apparently others have it worse than me, so I'll just say a fraction of my life. After all I have a whole bunch to be grateful for! (That wasn't sarcasm).

1. I have Taylor. The love of my life. Someone who is ALWAYS there for me no matter what and actually listens and holds me when I need that comfort. He helps me with my problems even when the reality of his solutions are a little off. Hey, that's one of the millions of reasons I love him.


2. I have a roof over my head. Hard to find these days, and even though the walls around me are empty, the build up of snow is a great insulator. :] A home is something I've come to appreciate more and more over the years. When I dream at night, if it takes place in a my home it's always been at the Auburn house, and it still is. But when I'm not at Auburn, I dream of my current house which is great because my 'now house' felt like a home as soon as we moved in, even with the monetary issues we have with it. Maybe that's what makes it so worthy of keeping. The fight and sacrifice.


3. I have my cats. Yes, crazy cat lady to the rescue! Laugh all you want I LOVE my cats. (Even Queenie). Why? Because before I had to rely on friends or loved ones: they were there. Before I had to interact and acknowledge the outside world (the real world) they were there. Soft and warm, they listen without saying any criticism. They just purr and love you for you. (hey, I had a Betta once and he listened great too! :3)


4. I have a job. And although that job doesn't make much money and I can never seem to hold on to it for a long time, I enjoy being able to pay my own bills and buy my own drink. (Notice I didn't say food). It's a quiet environment and I enjoy it there and can benefit by taking a Coke from the lawyers refrigerator. As long as it's not their Vodka, they won't mind.

There are plenty more little things like my mothers health and my caffeine addiction, but lets get to my problem. Yes, I'm going to talk about my problems for once. I woke up this morning all excited and ready for a good day. I had clean clothes so I could wear whatever the hell I wanted. And I did. I came downstairs all skippy doo-daa just to find out there was no coffee made. Now, yesterday my mom taught me how, so I groaned a little and started to make a pot of coffee, I had everything all set and I was about to put in the coffee ground-things when I realized that we...didn't...have...any. I cursed my step dad under my breath (although I don't know exactly who's fault it was) and went on to make my lunch for school. Then found out I had to defrost bread and bologna, and there was no mustard. This threw me off the happy wagon big time. I already had to buy a pop so I could have some kind of caffeine today (so that I wasn't accused of having a hang over again) and then my toast came out of the toaster almost black. Poor Alaina was following me around almost being killed, when I finally discovered she needed water. Poor thing, I felt bad. Finally made my lunch, ate my breakfast, and sat on the couch starring out the window when Nick came and laughed at me. I yelled a little bit about Matt's comment yesterday about how it was out of my character to be in a good mood. Well excuse me! I'm only in a good mood around people I like! Nick said that Matt's being a retard and denying dates with beautiful women because he's still confused about me. Well let me clear up your confusion: go fuck yourself, douche bag!

Now, about my problem. The problem was there wasn't anything I could do about my morning being ruined. Here's what I thought for a solution. Instead of just complaining about my problems, I'm going to apply at every store that is HIRING and NOT hiring and find a job and work my socks off to make my own money to buy myself the things I need to make life for ME work everyday. Food, whatever. I already have to buy my own clothes (which is come to be expected when you come of age) and I need to get my car on the road. So screw being able to relax, I'm getting a job if it's the last thing I do!

She'll never know how much I loved her now

As much of a professional I am at bullshitting papers for school, there's no way on this earth that I can pull a good grade out of this last creation of mine. My teacher may even drop me and recommend me to a debate class for people with compulsive behaviors towards hatred and opinions. Yay for me! Another trump.

Taylors coming over tonight, once again, we'll lay on the love seat in the dark being frisky littles sons of bitches. Why not? Well, we tried to watch Twilight on my step dads downstairs big screen television, but that tv is fucked up one to none. Then the boys complained about it after saying "that's what makes it so interesting". TV'S are NOT interesting! GOSH! Still at Delta by the way...hanging out til' four when Nick and I will finally leave and I'll do laundry and wait for my beloved.

Chinese with Chelsea (and Elise I think her name is) was really fun! We all know how Chelsea is and the three of us got along perfectly. One of the chinese waiters gave kudos to my hair and I even helped the chinese lady salt the walkway while waiting for Chelsea to arrive. The food was great and it was cheaper than expected. Our fortune cookies were classic too. Poor Chels had to drive through all that snow but she did it well saying there was a plus to being a bad driver. We survived, dropped me off first, once chels was able to get into my driveway, and that's the end of that! (Besides, we all know what we get like when Chelseas involved!) We'll be going again when Kyles back in town. That'll be fun!

Robot Jelly Shoes

So, it's no surprise that I'm sitting in the Delta commons on a computer wasting my valuable time writing this blog to my beloved fans (please keep the laughter to a dull roar if you will) instead of running to the library to take my history exam that I'm actually dreading more than I feared my psychology exams. Why? Because I'm currently holding a B+, and I just know that with the expectations my teacher has in me, that grade will fall faster than me on my bike last summer .

I've taken the liberty (not freedom) to start my study on writing back up. I need to make sure that once I start to write my novel again, that I don't stop in the middle like I've grown a habit to doing. Once you start you can't just stop (that's what she said). I actually borrowed an Edgar Allen Poe book from the library to start analyzing. If I worked on everything as hard as I do my writing, I'd be wonder woman...and an A+ student with no life. My plan is, after exam season, to read a little bit every night, and when I feel confident again, read through everything I've written and start in places where I let off. THANK GOD I had only written my story on paper and it's not on my lost but not forgotten USB flash drive that was stolen. Sometimes I'll be laying in bed at night and randomly think of things to add or fix. I scene will run through my head over and over until I get it down on paper, which I'll have to re-do again since my damn usb drive is gone. God dammit all to hell.

I guess I'll start up a second blog dedicated to my writings and use that as a way of making sure things have a back up and don't get erased by accident or are stolen. So keep an eye out for that. *sigh* it's noon thirty I should go take my test, but I think I may wait a little bit longer to get things situated. The more I wait the more calm I feel about it. It's inevitable though. It's something I have to do and there's no running away from it. I think it would be better if we were doing it in class, but oh well. Just like driving *shudders* we all have to do it, and that's just life.

Such a beautiful disaster

Valentines Day was great. It was the first actual holiday that Taylor and I actually got to spend together. And we basically did almost everything. I showed him my new car, we watched a movie, listened to music, had dinner together, played battleship *scowl*, and had the leftover time to cuddle on the couch. Very eventful. I really hoped Kyle called Chelsea to cancel our lunch date. The three of us had made plans to go out to eat, but both Kyle and I ended up having plans at the last minute, and I asked Kyle to call Chelsea since I was still at work. I'm sure all was fine though. We'll make plans this week or weekend to get together and go to the Great Wall. I swear, that place puts heroin in their food to make us want more. And I don't care! I just need more! Gah!

I recently learned that it will take alot more money than my sister said to get my car on the road for my Dad. Like $600 more. I freaked and had a temporary spaz attack that lasted about an hour...poor Nick...I took it out on him. I didn't listen to the old rule "don't shoot the messenger!". Thank whoever that it's not the holiday season! I've just got birthdays to worry about now. (Not to mention I haven't even finished christmas shopping yet! LOL) I make up for birthdays anyway. They're more important than the other holidays andways. Except Halloween, very important. I can't wait to help Kyle with this years party. It's going to be way better than last years! Besides, Austin figured everything out way too fast. Hopefully, Taylor will be able to come and stay the night to. That would be better than waking up next to Austin. And tickling me is NOT a form of waking me up! Gosh! And neither is 'I love Lucy'! XD

Lately Alaina has been super affectionate. Not that I'm complaining, it's just rare for her to be like that. Like yesterday, she followed me around and constantly rubbed against me, leaving a sign that said she was shedding like a beast. I got her brush out and four brush fulls later, she was finally content and wanted on my shoulders. I said no, I wasn't wearing a hoodie. That's the rule. But she still tried, she even jumped up and latched herself to my leg even as I continued to walk around. Then April came and, like the typical two year old, I pryed her off me and made a break for the door. While April, Mom, and I were out waltzing the mall, I took advantage of busting a move in front of every triple sided mirror I saw. We dragged Mom into Hot Topic but that only lasted about a minute. We walked past F.Y.E. where there was a cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen. I stopped looked at my mom, and said "Don't look now, but I think he's looking at me!". I turned around, looked in his direction, then spun back around and pretended to be all giddy. She laughed and said I had problems. Hey it made her laugh, so whatever. At least I didn't go up to the cardboard vampire and hit on him, like I did the Hannah Montana cut out when I was with Kyle. Gotta love me.

Born innocent

It was kinda weird hanging out with John again. Hell, it's weird how he calls regularly now. He's got a different personality for every group of friends he hangs out with. Except for me. I just get John. I see the transitions, but whether we're alone at his house, or with a group of his friends, he's the same around me. He probably knows I would just kick his ass if I saw him act differently, considering I've been friends with him since second grade. Not to mention, he seems oblivious to the fact that he may just be my half brother thanks to my promiscuous father (or our promiscuous father). He's tall like my dad and we share the same dark hair and eyes, but his face resembles his moms. And duh, we have the same stupid humor. The best time EVER though was driving with him and getting stuck nose-first in a ditch in the middle of no where. We left his car and started to walk down the icy road towards the next house (the only house) about a half mile away. We talked and talked about stupid crap just to get our minds off the car that was in the ditch behind us. He surprised me when I suddenly slipped on the ice and he actually reached out and caught my arm. Then a little down the road, me holding his arm so I don't slip and nearly kill myself again he said, "You know, now that I think about it, you're probably my best friend,". I thought about it, and I suppose he's right. I'm the only person he's "real" around, and I'm not afraid to be myself around him. Sheesh, we grew up together, he's seen me at my worst already. And something that I think is funny is how we can go several years without talking, then suddenly get together and just start off as if nothing had happened at all. Such as recently. Best friends? Yeah, I thought about it. Laughed. And agreed. Best friends forever. Brother and Sister.

Taken forgranted...again

This really should be something I'm used to. My so called "friends" did it in middle school and when I proved them wrong, I WAS ALWAYS there for them, they just made up another excuse as to why they didn't want my friendship anymore. Sure, we all remember the bad times, but never the times that actually matter and count. Shannon wants to move to Tenn. Why? Who knows. To supposedly get away from everyone here. Why? Because we make her life hell apparently. Life will be so much better without Michigan friends and family. Even though you don't have to leave state to find happiness. I'm just moving out of town, that's all that needs to be done really.

Of course I was scolded yesterday about how I'm "never there for her" which is bullshit. I text and call her everyweek to make sure all is well. And while she was in Tenn., visiting "friends", I texted her to say I was worried about her. But Tenn. is great! Even though every time she called me she was crying saying so and so was a bitch and all Matts are jerks and feeling awkward as a third wheel. Hell of a lot better than Michigan though. I'm sure she only yelled at me, she never scolds Chelsea for anything. Not that I want her to. I just want her to realize that it's her Dad that makes her life hell not her friends. All she has to do is move out and he'll be back to lonely Norm who wants her to visit and etc., we've all heard the story before. You would think that in a time like this she wouldn't be pushing her friends away.

Another thing before I run off to history class, Shannon says I'm completely wrapped up in Taylor drama. What drama? There hasn't been any in a long time. And if I always did put Taylor in front of her (which I can feel free to do now) then I would have invited him to go bowling with me instead of her and Chels. But I wanted a girls night out. Hey I actually had tokens so we could play free games of bowling, so stop complaining that it was on a Sunday, or in early afternoon, we're COLLEGE students. We dont' have time to do things like we did in high school. We do what we can to make it count. But apparent ly, that doesn't matter anymore.

Once you can climb, this wall should be no problem

Holy crap, I'm excited for dinner. Chicken and dumplings; my fave...well one of my faves. Easy to tell I'm at my Dads house. My step father is cooking some kind of a roast, don't worry someday he'll realize he can't cook, for my moms birthday today. He even baked two cakes. I'm glad I didn't have to remind him. Every year my Mom tells me not to remind him to see if he remembers, and I see how much it hurts when he doesn't remember til' last minute. Like today, when he apparently remembered and I just said a little "don't forget it's moms birthday today.". He knew.

I worked my ass off on my last history paper and I got an E. I don't understand that. Didn't damage my grade much, carrying a C+. Teacher said I had weak answers. How can they be weak when I quoted from the book and gave my own insight? Whatever. Then when I got out of class I had to go wait for my Dad to pick me up. Well he never showed so I called him to see why not and it turned out he fell asleep, so about twenty minutes later, he came and got me. I helped him get his car up on those lil wheel ramp things so he could change the oil. I gave him the keys to my new car (2000 Saturn) so that he could take it to Auto zone and see exactly what's wrong with the heater core. I need a second wind shield wiper too. Not a big deal, it's a really nice car for 300 bucks, a hell of a lot nicer than Nicks and his cost the same amount. Money's going to be super tight for a long time until I can pay April back and find a real job. I'm thinking of looking up the hospital and seeing if they need someone to file. My cousin says that I'd be good at it. Don't care, as long as I'm makin' money. Oh, I don't want to have to work at a fast food restaurant, I want to keep my love for the greasy num nums, not grow a hatred for it.

I couldn't go bowling with my girls either. There was a tournament at the lanes and we were turned away. We went back to Shannon's house and had a keg party, with out the keg or the party. That night Taylor came over and we had our normal episode on the love seat. Intense make out whenever everyone's not looking and the lights go out. His mother offered us a peace offering: a couple of Avon magazines. Kinda confusing, you can tell that she's new to the whole 'trying to make up' thing. Who gives out mags as gifts? It's a nice attempt though. I don't think anyone realizes that it won't be easy for my parents to forgive, they're even hesitant about letting me go over to his house to visit at all. God knows they're looking for something to hate me for. How long does it take to cook chicken and dumplings? I can hear something sizzle...

I've already been to Heaven, and after five minutes I was like "Let's go!"

Wow-ey is it going to be a busy weekend! Today I buy my car and drive it over to my dads. Don't worry I'll take pics with my phone so ya'll can see and be jealous! (XD). But seriously, tomorrow I am SO going to Logans basketball game! I would pay to see fifth and fourth graders beat the hell out of each other just for the ball! Then I am taking my Mom to the Great Wall for her birthday, THEN April is coming over to take my mom and I shopping (for my mom) since she lost weight and it's her birthday. Then on Sunday I have work in the morning and then I'm going to throw heavy balls down a well polished lane of smooth wood...take that anyway you wish! That night I am getting a visit from my beloved Taylor, where we will take advantage of the love seat as much as we can. As always.

My English teacher exercised her power and "rented" books from the book store for me to use. Now I've got to catch up on homework and find someone who can give me a copy of their notes. Then I have history homework to do, which I'm a little confused on, but thankful to not be stuck in that hell hole of classroom...actually it's not that bad, I've just got a rush right now. Astronomy made me contemplate suicide, as always. Boring as hell, if hell can be considered boring. And it's still cold outside, etc. etc. It's even more cold in my house because we don't have any insulation in the walls, so the city said they would come and do it for free. yay for us, right? Well since our siding is basically antique, they have to drill from IN the house...which means they have to drill holes in the wall every 6-12 inches. I had a freak-out moment when I heard that because I pictured my beloved mag pics flying everywhere and my room covered in the same amount of dust and insulation that killed the dinosaurs. I'll have to get more information on that later. Right now I'm waiting for Zac to get here, me to get to my dads, to get Zac home, then relax before the hectic weekend. Wish me luck!

Death rolled over

And I can't even express my feelings with a sadistic bloody picture that makes my readers cringe. I should come to expect shit like this by now. Every fucking time I make plans they fall through. Hell, I might as well start living life day by day just so I can't be that disappointed when tomorrow never comes. I have a busy day today. I have students united at 3:30pm. Then we pick up Taylor at around 6pm and he'll visit until about 9pm, then I am PRAYING that John calls and if he offers to hang out, and I don't care where, I am taking that bastard up on his offer. Last time he wanted to go to a party in Saginaw, I said no, then he suggested just hanging out at his house (my old house), I said no, he even wanted me to go to McDonald's with him to buy that special limited time 50 piece McNugget meal, I said no. Shit, I don't care.

Everything was in that back pack. EVERYTHING! My USB, my homework and prestigious notes, college books and my entire check in cash. I've never had that much money. I've never held that much money. I've never seen that much money. So it just goes to show that obviously someone else needed it more than I did, even though I earned that fucking stupid shit. And since that was my financial aide money, I have no money to buy new books for my classes. I have a gift card for Barnes n' Nobles, but it won't get me too far. Bad enough that while in the mall I spent some money that I had on me thinking it wouldn't matter because I had my back up money in nicks car. Now I'll need to borrow money from Nick just so I can take my mom out to eat on her birthday like I wanted to. Not to mention I was going to buy a car with that money and FOOD Goddamn it! April is going to give me a check for 300 so I can still buy my cousins car, and I need to pay her back asap. I hate taking that money from her considering she's got a baby now. It'll only take about four months to pay her back. Unless I can sell some things at a pawn shop...

Now I'm depending on that Girl Scout job up north this summer. Which I'll need to e-mail Bambi this afternoon after class saying I'm still interested. Sorry everyone (who cares) but I need the money and this stupid bad luck of mine is stronger than anything else. Nathan called me but I didn't want to talk to him, I turned on my Twilight sound track and Ben called to see if I was okay. I told him what happened in detail, he tried to make me feel better saying he cared and such, even said he'd have a 3 musketeers candy bar for me tomorrow before my English class. I cried a little bit to him, which I hate myself for. So stupid. April called me to make plans for Moms birthday and I told her what happened and literally broke down. I hate that she's the only family member I can talk to. I locked myself in my room and then remembered that Mom had saved the last little bit of Jello for me. So I went downstairs to get it, and I'm looking and looking for it. It was gone. They ate it while I was upstairs sulking; licking my wounds. Chris senior called me a dumb shit, mom was a MAJOR pessimist, and the only person who made me feel better was the police officer and my sister. My dad called me and asked if I lost my back pack, I said yes it was stolen, he said that he heard over his police scanner that it was stolen. Leave it to him; that made me smile.

I didn't fall asleep until maybe midnight and woke up at 4am with more nightmares. eyes.eyes. eyes. Something kinda good happened though. My Cosmo girl subscription extended my seventeen subscription for another year for free! Yippee more shit for my wall. Not to mention my tape ran out and my grandfathers stapler was in my backpack, which my mother will kill me for when and IF she finds out...I just can't believe this kind of shit always happens to me. I know there's not much she could do but my best friend barely even cared that the incident had happened. A few times a week I ask how she's doing and I lose over $1400 and I get "aw sorry". I love you girl, but I need more support than that from a best friend. Well, we have a bowling girls night planned for this Saturday or Sunday (probably Sunday since April and I will be celebrating Moms b-day).

Still buying my cousins car, and still in the hole of life. I feel that weight of depression upon me again. Happiness is overrated anyways, right?