Fathers Day 2010

"Don't let her get to you," my mom said, pointing at me. I was laying on the couch, a rare feat. A few seconds later I finally looked at her. "Just let it go in one ear and out the other." She was talking about my visiting step sister Cathy, who had an opinion about everything and, of coarse, hers was always right. And if we didn't think so, we just didn't see what she did. That was only the first worst part of the day. It was fathers day and April said that Nick and I weren't allowed to go to her house when she was having a dinner for Dad. And I had to wait to see him because he wasn't home before her scheduled dinner. And Nick said he didn't even want to come at all. And he didn't go through with his part of the deal and get Dad a card for his gift. So I'm giving him a gift just from me with no card. Whatever, usually I don't give gifts. And Kiley (my niece and Cathy's daughter) was annoying as hell as I was having a fit of my own and trying to take pictures off my wall, at least in the one spot, and she kept asking a MILLION questions even though she told me she wouldn't. And even though she said she wouldn't touch everything in the room, she did. So she pissed me off, and Cathy pissed me off, and April pissed me off, and Nick pissed me off, and the world was a big square when I woke up. I didn't want to move, just to melt into the atmosphere and disappear. Last night started out fine but then turned into hell and it doesn't help that I can't control my emotions and one minute I'm fine and the next I'm crying then I'm shutting down and incapable of emotion. Then a few seconds later I'm back to remembering that my life sucked and I never really got over the pain that was buried that just had to resurface again. My high school sucked and as I get older the younger kids tend to just piss me off and I don't want to be around them anymore. I'll never have those years back and quite frankly I don't want to relive that prison lifestyle. My friends were fake and school was hell, my relationships sucked and there was nothing I could do to make my life better. And I'm glad that Taylor can go out and have fun with his little kid friends but I never was accepted among those kids (my peers) I was never one of them. I don't know if I was above or below them, but we were not on the same wave length. When I think of high school I just want to stab myself in the neck and go bleed out on the sidewalk. And I can't say it out loud because it's too hard to even think about. So to think that Taylor can even stand to hang around with his peers til Midnight and be accepted with the other seniors kills me because my class could've died and I wouldn't have been that upset. And then I get on facebook and see all my old fake friends still being fake with each other and hanging out and it kills me that even though I left them, which was one of the BEST decisions I had ever made, they still hang out and don't even care that I left (the one who was smart and never put up with their bull shit and skanky ways). Go ahead and complain that I'm immature but then swear at other people in other languages or speak in annoying voices. Go ahead and be ugly and put others down for not being as 'fun and free' as you are. Go a head and be a slut and sell yourself. Go a head and be vain and think you can have every guy to wink at (they only want you for your body while I'm capable of being loved for both). I don't fucking care.

Trust is like a mirror, it can't always be fixed. But you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection.

I wish I could say that this blog was a success, but it wasn't. I feel like I'm leaving a home that I've lived in forever and made my home. Like I'm being forced out of a place I've made my own. I was right about my last post, and I'll be right about this one too. Taylor's yelling a me over facebook (although he says he's not) and he was yelling at me yesterday through texting. so now I have to decided whether or not I should go create a different blog and really just rant and rave to myself (which is basically this blog except i get one guy as an audience that always comes back to haunt me).

Now I don't think i had this blog in high school, now I know i don't cuz it was a college thing. But history is repeating itself and it won't be long until havoc comes (maybe it won't be havoc?). And as this day goes I'm just slowly losing appreciation for my life and going to make some extreme changes cuz i'm slowly beginning to not care. I needed time and was not given any. So I went out and stole my time anyways and now it's coming back haunt me (not the me going out to experience LIFE but just Taylor's ranting and not understanding).

So now I was told that back when the Felicia thing was going on, Taylor did it because I wasn't giving him enough attention. PAGE DOCTOR BULLSHIT! I gave him border line everything. He had what other high school kids didn't have. And it wasn't enough. Too high maintenance for me! Good thing I know now. I was always yelled at for not being open when he was hiding that I wasn't giving him enough. I don't know if it'll ever be the same. Such a nOOb mistake to make in a relationship. I guess it was tainted long before I even knew it.

No, no, don't fall. Cuz we're so high up, and you'll never make it

I'm so sick of this bull shit, yet I was the one who created it. I try to play the game of chance, and yet I forget that I was a goddess in my past life and now I have to learn how to deal with things as a mortal. Because that's all I am, but everyone seems to think otherwise. No matter how real I try to seem, I just hide behind the make up and the words, but even I don't shine when I wipe the eye shadow off. My life is stained, I'll never be what I want to be, and it's something I have to cope with. It'll all be over soon, that's what I tell myself, I keep hoping it will fix itself but it won't. I have to do something no matter how much it kills me and no matter if it totally destroys everything I've ever came to know. I'll never move on if I keep this weight on my soul. If I even have one. Ugh! I hate this. I'm all pms-y and nothing I say will ever change anything because every one's going to read this and assume they know what I'm going on about or think that something terrible's going to happen. And nobody understands because I'm not willing to let them in on the mist filled world I live in. Do they know what it's like to have two voices telling you to do this or don't do that? It's more than a conscience. I have a feeling its what I want and what I wanted, old wishes and dreams bouncing around in my head, trying their best not to be forgotten. I don't want to wake up and be 40 with five kids and a mortgage and realize it could've been different, if I had only done something differently. I guess I'm so afraid to be my mother I'm causing myself havoc.

And to make everything upon everything worse, I really do have things to do tomorrow that don't include Taylor, but since I won't be with him, he'll assume I'm putting others before him. Which, believe it or not, happens sometimes. And he'll be all bummed out because he can't be with me at my dads house alone. I'm just tired of all the grabby-ness (not only just from him) I'm not an object to be owned or played with. I'm my own woman and I'll do what I damn well please. I try not to hurt others, but quite frankly, this is my life and I am looking out for me.

And no this has nothing to do with Lady Gaga (before people start blaming her) this has nothing to do with being attracted to women or never finding much interest in men. It has nothing to do with my broken past, it has nothing to do with my uncertain future. It has nothing to do with him, or him, or her, (or him) (or her) or what the fuck ever you humans plan on blaming it on. I'm the bad guy who always gets what they want at a terrible TERRIBLE timing. The damned one that people always want to be. They want what I have and I want what I have. It doesn't matter that I realized that I really can make nearly anyone fall in love with me, because even if they are there with me, I'll still be alone, really. Because I'll never have what I really want. And should I get what I want (something that's impossible to get, I'm sure) I'll be afraid that it's not enough, that I'm not enough. And I'll never be enough for anybody because I can't give all of myself, until I find what I'm looking for: myself.