Fathers Day 2010

"Don't let her get to you," my mom said, pointing at me. I was laying on the couch, a rare feat. A few seconds later I finally looked at her. "Just let it go in one ear and out the other." She was talking about my visiting step sister Cathy, who had an opinion about everything and, of coarse, hers was always right. And if we didn't think so, we just didn't see what she did. That was only the first worst part of the day. It was fathers day and April said that Nick and I weren't allowed to go to her house when she was having a dinner for Dad. And I had to wait to see him because he wasn't home before her scheduled dinner. And Nick said he didn't even want to come at all. And he didn't go through with his part of the deal and get Dad a card for his gift. So I'm giving him a gift just from me with no card. Whatever, usually I don't give gifts. And Kiley (my niece and Cathy's daughter) was annoying as hell as I was having a fit of my own and trying to take pictures off my wall, at least in the one spot, and she kept asking a MILLION questions even though she told me she wouldn't. And even though she said she wouldn't touch everything in the room, she did. So she pissed me off, and Cathy pissed me off, and April pissed me off, and Nick pissed me off, and the world was a big square when I woke up. I didn't want to move, just to melt into the atmosphere and disappear. Last night started out fine but then turned into hell and it doesn't help that I can't control my emotions and one minute I'm fine and the next I'm crying then I'm shutting down and incapable of emotion. Then a few seconds later I'm back to remembering that my life sucked and I never really got over the pain that was buried that just had to resurface again. My high school sucked and as I get older the younger kids tend to just piss me off and I don't want to be around them anymore. I'll never have those years back and quite frankly I don't want to relive that prison lifestyle. My friends were fake and school was hell, my relationships sucked and there was nothing I could do to make my life better. And I'm glad that Taylor can go out and have fun with his little kid friends but I never was accepted among those kids (my peers) I was never one of them. I don't know if I was above or below them, but we were not on the same wave length. When I think of high school I just want to stab myself in the neck and go bleed out on the sidewalk. And I can't say it out loud because it's too hard to even think about. So to think that Taylor can even stand to hang around with his peers til Midnight and be accepted with the other seniors kills me because my class could've died and I wouldn't have been that upset. And then I get on facebook and see all my old fake friends still being fake with each other and hanging out and it kills me that even though I left them, which was one of the BEST decisions I had ever made, they still hang out and don't even care that I left (the one who was smart and never put up with their bull shit and skanky ways). Go ahead and complain that I'm immature but then swear at other people in other languages or speak in annoying voices. Go ahead and be ugly and put others down for not being as 'fun and free' as you are. Go a head and be a slut and sell yourself. Go a head and be vain and think you can have every guy to wink at (they only want you for your body while I'm capable of being loved for both). I don't fucking care.