"I think next time Alex comes over he'll propose to you." She said, as I took a seat across from her.
"What makes you say that?" I asked. She was sitting fixing books and I welcomed the invitation to conversation. I barely got to speak to her, especially since she deleted her facebook because of drama with her new ex boyfriend.
"I'm not sure," she shot me a smile "You two are just so cute together I can just tell. I mean, he's already gotten you a promise ring."
"Well yeah but that's still new."
"Yeah and you haven't been dating really long but some people you just look at and can tell they're supposed to be together."
"Thanks," I smiled. As much as I was interested in her it still made me feel great to know I had Alex. Because he was who I am supposed to be with. We click so well and complete each other.
"So, what'd you two talk about?" Alex asked through the webcam.
"Oh nothing. Girl stuff."
"Yeah I've heard that before." he laughed. "I better keep an eye on you two, somethings going on for sure."
"Oh no no, babe. Just you and me." I didn't want to tell him we were talking about engagement. I want that to happen in its own time. Alex already said before the year is out. So that could be in July or it could be for Christmas. I was going to do Fall semester at college then go to England for Christmas and possibly new years then instead of doing winter semester just get a second job and start saving for traveling, wedding, etc. There was lots to do and Alex often found himself overwhelmed with everything. He wishes he had met me sooner. He said he used to have a lot more money than he has now and could've made everything happen sooner. I just tell him to be patient. We're a team and he's not the only one now.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
In an ideal world
"I want to pay for the whole thing."
"That's crazy, mom." I said "It's going to be crazy expensive. Why don't you focus on the flowers or something?"
"No. I want to pay for the dress."
"Well then maybe half. Would that be okay?" My mom pursed her lips and walked out of the room, I quickly followed her. "Mom don't be mad it's going to be expensive though," She continued out the front door. Senior was eating in his chair watching t.v. "She can't pay for the whole thing..." I said.
"It's her money, let her do what she wants with it." he said. Mom wanted to know when she would have to start saving for a wedding. I said how about next year. "Next year?!" was her response. Then she nodded and said okay. The tail end of 2013 was the goal. In an ideal world. Really we're hoping for a lottery win to solve all our problems. Ofcoarse, no amount of money would be enough to convince the UK government that I would be an asset to their country. That was one way to get a VISA. Marriage was another. Once married I can live there. Then I'm given a work VISA and it'll take another three years before I'm officially "British" so to say. Although it's been said to be impossible to take the american out of the American.
I had already been googling images of the wedding things I wanted and adding them all to an album. I had saved several pictures of dresses I liked (oddly enough it was difficult to find one that Alex and I both agreed on) but I still always continued the search until I found the dress I want. I actually found the pic while browsing google on my iPhone while I was bored. I quickly rushed to my laptop and found it and saved it - emailing Alex the photo as well. He agreed. Heavily agreed. Infact he told me to find it and tell him how much it cost. I couldn't find it but I will have one just like it. It's the one I want.
"That's crazy, mom." I said "It's going to be crazy expensive. Why don't you focus on the flowers or something?"
"No. I want to pay for the dress."
"Well then maybe half. Would that be okay?" My mom pursed her lips and walked out of the room, I quickly followed her. "Mom don't be mad it's going to be expensive though," She continued out the front door. Senior was eating in his chair watching t.v. "She can't pay for the whole thing..." I said.
"It's her money, let her do what she wants with it." he said. Mom wanted to know when she would have to start saving for a wedding. I said how about next year. "Next year?!" was her response. Then she nodded and said okay. The tail end of 2013 was the goal. In an ideal world. Really we're hoping for a lottery win to solve all our problems. Ofcoarse, no amount of money would be enough to convince the UK government that I would be an asset to their country. That was one way to get a VISA. Marriage was another. Once married I can live there. Then I'm given a work VISA and it'll take another three years before I'm officially "British" so to say. Although it's been said to be impossible to take the american out of the American.
I had already been googling images of the wedding things I wanted and adding them all to an album. I had saved several pictures of dresses I liked (oddly enough it was difficult to find one that Alex and I both agreed on) but I still always continued the search until I found the dress I want. I actually found the pic while browsing google on my iPhone while I was bored. I quickly rushed to my laptop and found it and saved it - emailing Alex the photo as well. He agreed. Heavily agreed. Infact he told me to find it and tell him how much it cost. I couldn't find it but I will have one just like it. It's the one I want.
I've also hunted veils, tiaras, shoes, and hair styles (although the hair styles are proving to be a hard thing to truely nail). Really the dress and veil were what I was really looking into. I didn't want a long veil or one that stood out. I was actually very happy with they style collected for Bella Swan. A calm veil stationed behind my head. Like a veil pony tail.
As for wedding photos I'm sure my aunt would do them for free (probably as her wedding present) and I have a friend I met over Fanderson who lives in Florida who is a professional wedding photographer and (although Alex doesn't like him - its a guy thing) Steve has said that he would "LOVE LOVE LOVE" to shoot our wedding. And he'd be willing to work with us if we wanted him here bad enough. Alex's dad also is a photographer, as is Alex. So plenty of skill to go around. I know we're not officially engaged yet. But Alex said that my promise ring would've been an engagment ring if it wasn't for my mom being weirded out by everything. He said soon and I asked when. He said before the year is out.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Safe & Sound
I couldn't handle it anymore. The pain was unbearable. I rolled off my bed and forced myself to double the suggested Advil intake. Waited thirty minutes - still nothing. I felt my abdominal, why did it hurt so much? This was worse than any pms symptoms I'd ever had before. I was nauseous, bloated, severe abdominal pains, I couldn't sleep or eat, was always hungry, and always tired. Every move I made caused me to be aware of the strange new feeling.
Alex said I should see a doctor. But I couldn't. This is America, where we can help other countries but not our own citizens. I had no health care and even the free clinic said I couldn't come back. Alex was looking to buy me health insurance. I knew there was a way to get free health insurance since I was a part time worker. That was my goal. I made phone calls and every call led me to a new person and leaving new voice messages. Until finally it was time for work.
I couldn't do it. I walked into my bosses office and started crying. And that says a lot for me. She immediately rushed to me, wanting to know what kind of sickness it was. I said it sounds pathetic but its pre-period pains but it's not leading to anything. She hugged me and said we'd all been there and sent me home. I was there for an hour. The pain meds already worn off - as if they had impacted me at all. I called my mom, my voice breaking. I texted april asking for help. This couldn't be happening, could it?
I felt like I was dieing. I half expected to not wake up every time I went to sleep. I laid in bed continuously. My mom did not visit. April did not text. Alex called. He was worried, said it was all his fault. How could that be?
I always wondered what would happen if I became pregnant before marriage and in this case with the father 5000 miles away. I always thought even though it would be early that Alex would be happy. He always wanted to be a father - said it was the best gift I could ever give him. If I were to get an abortion without him knowing? Surely that would shatter his world and he'd be eternally mad at him. I wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway. So we talked about it. I said I wouldn't want to have a child out of wedlock, he agreed. I said but I thought we could still find happiness in it. He agreed.
"So I think we agree to do whats best. For all of our futures." He said, and I smiled at that. How strange. Why was I happy about that? Why was I protective and not as afraid as I should be? That night, I slept.
The next day was worse. The pain traveled to my back and my neck but mostly stayed in my abdominal. My mom actually poked her head in to see how I was doing. Still alive - she left before even a minute had passed. Alex was on the phone with me and I was crying, although I didn't know if he knew or not. I was pretty good at sounding okay. "I'm not sure how they work in the states, but they're confidential right?"
"What are?"
"Abortions. I know they're controversial there."
I was confused. "Yeah, they are."
"Oh good. I'd hate to know what your mom would think."
"I..." I was speechless. I didn't know what to think. "why..." I tried again.
"Awfully quiet babe, you alright?"
"Why would you even bring that up?" I was scrambling for the words.
"Well, don't you think it'd be bad if she found out?"
"Found out what?"
"I...thought we had agreed on that yesterday."
"Agreed on what? I can't- I don't even...understand what you mean. I mean, what? I guess..."
"Isn't that what you meant?"
"You said 'to do whats best for all our futures'."
"Yeah, we can't afford a child right now. We don't even live in the same country yet. I'm saving for plane tickets and weddings." he went on a long speech like he always does and I was shocked. "I'm glad we're talking about it though because I feel the right emotions don't come across when we text."
"Well that's certainly true. I don't understand." No, I had pictured in my mind that Alex would be heartbroken if I had ever gotten an abortion. Now he was encouraging it? Sure I knew I couldn't do this on my own but I loved Alex more than anything. "If you were some random boyfriend I'd understand. But you're the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, that changes things quite a bit. It seems selfish that we do that just because we want a honeymoon in the Caribbean. Or want to see Egypt. Could you really live with yourself if you killed your first born?" He was silent.
"No," he breathed. He felt the impact I was trying to get across. "No, I couldn't." I knew I couldn't either. If I was made to kill my own child, even with my current means I feel I'd never be the same. I'd become depressed and never leave that state of mind. It'd be something I'd regret for the rest of my life. Chanielle did it alone in college even with moving to a different state. My mom did it at 21 (even though she was married). No, I wasn't going to do that. We set a date. If my period didn't start by that day then I'd take a test. If that test was positive I'd to go Aprils and take her extra test. If that was positive I'd have April take me to the hospital (Or probably have to go alone) to have a more formal test done.
A couple days later my period started. It was odd at first and not normal but then it became heavy. Like why-aren't-I-dead-yet heavy. Slowly my symptoms went away. And after a week I'm relatively feeling normal. Alex is more relaxed and I never took that test (yet). I'm still planning to because you can still have another period if you're pregnant.
Alex sends me presents, things to wear next time he's over. He's booked the suite and promises the future. He's everything to me. And randomly I'll feel a twinge of a pain, a light sensation in my abdominal. And I'll remember. They're both everything to me.
Alex said I should see a doctor. But I couldn't. This is America, where we can help other countries but not our own citizens. I had no health care and even the free clinic said I couldn't come back. Alex was looking to buy me health insurance. I knew there was a way to get free health insurance since I was a part time worker. That was my goal. I made phone calls and every call led me to a new person and leaving new voice messages. Until finally it was time for work.
I couldn't do it. I walked into my bosses office and started crying. And that says a lot for me. She immediately rushed to me, wanting to know what kind of sickness it was. I said it sounds pathetic but its pre-period pains but it's not leading to anything. She hugged me and said we'd all been there and sent me home. I was there for an hour. The pain meds already worn off - as if they had impacted me at all. I called my mom, my voice breaking. I texted april asking for help. This couldn't be happening, could it?
I felt like I was dieing. I half expected to not wake up every time I went to sleep. I laid in bed continuously. My mom did not visit. April did not text. Alex called. He was worried, said it was all his fault. How could that be?
I always wondered what would happen if I became pregnant before marriage and in this case with the father 5000 miles away. I always thought even though it would be early that Alex would be happy. He always wanted to be a father - said it was the best gift I could ever give him. If I were to get an abortion without him knowing? Surely that would shatter his world and he'd be eternally mad at him. I wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway. So we talked about it. I said I wouldn't want to have a child out of wedlock, he agreed. I said but I thought we could still find happiness in it. He agreed.
"So I think we agree to do whats best. For all of our futures." He said, and I smiled at that. How strange. Why was I happy about that? Why was I protective and not as afraid as I should be? That night, I slept.
The next day was worse. The pain traveled to my back and my neck but mostly stayed in my abdominal. My mom actually poked her head in to see how I was doing. Still alive - she left before even a minute had passed. Alex was on the phone with me and I was crying, although I didn't know if he knew or not. I was pretty good at sounding okay. "I'm not sure how they work in the states, but they're confidential right?"
"What are?"
"Abortions. I know they're controversial there."
I was confused. "Yeah, they are."
"Oh good. I'd hate to know what your mom would think."
"I..." I was speechless. I didn't know what to think. "why..." I tried again.
"Awfully quiet babe, you alright?"
"Why would you even bring that up?" I was scrambling for the words.
"Well, don't you think it'd be bad if she found out?"
"Found out what?"
"I...thought we had agreed on that yesterday."
"Agreed on what? I can't- I don't even...understand what you mean. I mean, what? I guess..."
"Isn't that what you meant?"
"You said 'to do whats best for all our futures'."
"Yeah, we can't afford a child right now. We don't even live in the same country yet. I'm saving for plane tickets and weddings." he went on a long speech like he always does and I was shocked. "I'm glad we're talking about it though because I feel the right emotions don't come across when we text."
"Well that's certainly true. I don't understand." No, I had pictured in my mind that Alex would be heartbroken if I had ever gotten an abortion. Now he was encouraging it? Sure I knew I couldn't do this on my own but I loved Alex more than anything. "If you were some random boyfriend I'd understand. But you're the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, that changes things quite a bit. It seems selfish that we do that just because we want a honeymoon in the Caribbean. Or want to see Egypt. Could you really live with yourself if you killed your first born?" He was silent.
"No," he breathed. He felt the impact I was trying to get across. "No, I couldn't." I knew I couldn't either. If I was made to kill my own child, even with my current means I feel I'd never be the same. I'd become depressed and never leave that state of mind. It'd be something I'd regret for the rest of my life. Chanielle did it alone in college even with moving to a different state. My mom did it at 21 (even though she was married). No, I wasn't going to do that. We set a date. If my period didn't start by that day then I'd take a test. If that test was positive I'd to go Aprils and take her extra test. If that was positive I'd have April take me to the hospital (Or probably have to go alone) to have a more formal test done.
A couple days later my period started. It was odd at first and not normal but then it became heavy. Like why-aren't-I-dead-yet heavy. Slowly my symptoms went away. And after a week I'm relatively feeling normal. Alex is more relaxed and I never took that test (yet). I'm still planning to because you can still have another period if you're pregnant.
Alex sends me presents, things to wear next time he's over. He's booked the suite and promises the future. He's everything to me. And randomly I'll feel a twinge of a pain, a light sensation in my abdominal. And I'll remember. They're both everything to me.
Juan Miguel
I felt it through the text. I'm sorry. Please deal with my bullshit again. This time I wouldn't respond. I felt sorry for the lost friendship and went to unfriend him on facebook. Hm, too late, he unfriended me first. Alls well that ends well, I blocked him. Now he can't keep tabs on my life. I wish I could tell him how much of a pain in the ass he is. How he'll always be my best friend - even if he is the worst friend in the world. Alex told me he wasn't worth the time of day - not if he treats me like that. I know it's true. But somewhere in my closet are tapes of Radio Sherling. Tapes I'll never be able to listen to again.
Love Death Birth
My mom entered my room to say good night. I finished up what I was doing and came to her just in time to see her gaze travel across my bedroom. I had no excuse for it. It was a reflection of my state of mind. Nothing a good rake couldn't fix. She looked everything over in a swift straight way a mother does. Snooping silently. She saw my car model, stupid and usless really - I'd never finish it because I couldn't work the decals, but it was finished. Random clothes bits on the floor along with a shoe box even I didn't know what to do with. She saw my desktop computer - stupid and useless. My lounge chair - stupid and uselss. My purple lace panites - not stupid but useless. Usually I tried to hid things like that from her, but now I felt no need to. It's my room.
"Oh, soil on the floor." she pointed out.
"Armani knocked it over." I said plainly. She nodded.
"Still have your backpack out?"
"Oh." Oh yeah, I forgot about that. "Well school will be here in no time."
"I suppose." Her eyes fell on a picture of Alex and I. Then continued. "Crackers?" She asked, as if snacks were rare in my room. They sat next to the waste basket. A new trend only Alex would understand. "Well there's where your canker sore came from." Yeah, that and my buffet of pickles and olives. The salt murdered my tongue. I couldn't eat for two days, and even then one meal was all I could handle. As if I really cared. Hell - I had four baby carrots and I felt the strongest urge to puke. Like eating was on my list of things to do.
"Oh, soil on the floor." she pointed out.
"Armani knocked it over." I said plainly. She nodded.
"Still have your backpack out?"
"Oh." Oh yeah, I forgot about that. "Well school will be here in no time."
"I suppose." Her eyes fell on a picture of Alex and I. Then continued. "Crackers?" She asked, as if snacks were rare in my room. They sat next to the waste basket. A new trend only Alex would understand. "Well there's where your canker sore came from." Yeah, that and my buffet of pickles and olives. The salt murdered my tongue. I couldn't eat for two days, and even then one meal was all I could handle. As if I really cared. Hell - I had four baby carrots and I felt the strongest urge to puke. Like eating was on my list of things to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
