This Christmas

There's nothing I love more than possibility. And when I first met Alex I knew he was full it. Full of life, adventure, he's smart, attractive, puts my needs before his, not to mention British. As if I need say more.

A year ago I was in a dieing relationship where my partner didn't want anything to do with commitment or traveling or anything to move us forward, and now I have everything I could want. Now I sit in my bedroom waiting for the right time to leave to the airport to pick up Alex to spend the week together. Then I will be leaving with him to England. I can't believe how far my life has taken me in a matter of a year. I'm also finished with school and thinking of continuing my schooling in England to get a career in both Criminal Justice and Zoology. Alex looked into moving to Australia and found out that its much more easier to move there than anywhere else. They gladly accept young adventurous people without need of marriage or promising career. My dreams of helping animals in the same way that Steve Irwin did can very much become a reality.

I help the local animal shelter write grant applications as we're trying to get it to become a no-kill shelter. We're well on our way. I will help them in any way I can, I don't care how much time it takes up. I volunteer, donate, and spread the word the best I can. After all, if I've learned anything this year it's that the world is smaller than it seems.

American Pie

Verse 1
A long long time ago
I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while
But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died
{Refrain}
So, bye-bye, Miss American Pie
Drove my chevy to the levee
But the levee was dry
And them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die
Verse 2
Did you write the Book of Love
And do you have faith in God above
If the Bible tells you so
Do you believe in rock n' roll
Can music save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to dance real slow
Well, I know that you're in love with him
'Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes
Man, I dig those rhythm & blues
I was a lonely, teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died
I started singin'
{Refrain}
Verse 3
Now for ten years we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin' stone
But that's not how it used to be
When the Jester sang for the King and Queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
In a voice that came from you and me
Oh, and while the King was looking down
The Jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Lenin read a book on Marx
The quartet practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died
We were singin'
{Refrain}

Verse 4
Helter Skelter in a summer swelter
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter
Eight miles high and falling fast
It landed foul on the grass
The players tried for a forward pass
With the Jester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the Sergeants played a marching tune
We all got up to dance
Oh but we never got the chance
'Cause the players tried to take the field
The marching band refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died
We started singing
{Refrain}

Verse 5
Oh, and there we were, all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again
So come on, Jack, be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack Flash sat on a candlestick
'Cause fire is the devils only friend
Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Satan's spell
And as flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day the music died
He was hummin'
{Refrain}
Verse 6

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before
But the man there said the music wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The church bells all were broken
And the three men I admire most
The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died
And they were singin'
{Refrain}

Bye-bye, Miss American Pie
Drove my chevy to the levy
But the levy was dry
And them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singing this'll be the day that I die
They were singin'
Bye-bye, Miss American Pie
Drove my chevy to the levy
But the levy was dry
And them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singing this'll be the day that I die

Thunderbirds are Go

Get 'er, Gaga! lol

 

 

Halloween 2012 - Costume Plot

Another halloween party is in the mix and I have a whole new group of friends and I am THRILLED to have the privledge to know them and have them as friends. I went through a few costume ideas before I finally decided what to do. I was working on getting together pieces for a UFO costume (another British television show created by gerry anderson) Here's a pic of what I was going for:

The chick with the purple hair obviously. And I have a few people I met on Fanderson who are highly encouraging I make it and bring it back just like I did with Thunderbirds. I won't have it ready in time for halloween this year sadly, but it IS in the mix.

Next I thought about doing a female version of Speed Racer but I wasn't too excited for that (maybe beause it was too easy to do. plus my ex did it last year and although he failed I like to be original and embrace my geek side).

So I thought about it and I'd love to do a costume I can double as a costume for conventions. So I turned to star wars. Lots of cute girl stuff there. What did I decide on? Here's a hint:

I won't do any purchasing until october looms a little closer but I plan to have it well in advance incase any changes need to be made or I need to get more. Ryan said he might plan to match in someway. Can't wait for group shots. Photo opp!

Honest Eyes

     "You know, even though you were drunk and I took advantage of you and made myself look like a dick, I still think it was a pretty good night." He said, driving through south end. I watched his hand, changing gears smoothly. The yellow light from his Saturn dashboard the only light besides the streetlights. I looked him over carefully. His hands were smooth, hair spiked, biceps, relaxed, he smelled good. His body was solid and strong enough - I knew this from the body slams during hockey that seemed to happen with him very often.

I don't know what it was now. Ever since I had had real sex with a man  I'd always wondered what it'd be like with another. Probably the same, although I always wondered. And I'd look at him and think about it for a moment...and wonder. I'd never actually act on it, it's just a curiosity that will never be fulfilled.

He'd glance over at me and smile. "What?" He'd ask with a chuckle. His eyes too. Green and yellow with brown. Such a design. I'd smile shyly and fidget. "I like it when you do that, it's cute."

We talked about our married friends. How they were our age but they never showed affection.
     "I"m surprised Brett and Rebecca don't show more affection. Especially with them trying for a baby. Thought they'd always be in the mood." I said. "I always feel like we bother them." I was referring to how casual Ryan and I were around each other. How he can let his hand fall in my lap and I automatically know to massage it, or how he'll lead me around with his hand on my lower back. Or I'll sit on his lap at bonfires or he'll put his arm around me.

     "I want you for myself." He said, during a bonfire. We left the party and were walking down the empty country street, every half mile was a street light so it was dark enough to see the stars.
     "I love him." I said.
     "No, I think you love that he's British. And that's what Molly likes about him and what Kyle likes about him. His accent - that's what you love." I shook my head no. His accent was what seduced me so easily. Alex always got whatever he wanted. Especially here in America. That was obvious when my mom let him sleep with me when he was over. "What's he going to do? Move here?"
     "No, I'll move there."
     "So you're going to give up your family, friends, everything for him?"
     "Well yeah."
     "Why? Why can't it be like our married friends? We all play hockey together, movie night and game night every week. Parties at each other houses, and children that play along with us. Melissa, with me you wouldn't have to give anything up. I know I need a better job and I don't have as much money as Alex or an accent. Kyle told me about your past boyfriends, I want to be the one to give you the love you deserve. I know I fucked up a lot in the past but I'm looking for someone to settle down with and there's something about you. You're different."
     "What am I supposed to say? Why would I throw away a man who loves me unconditionally and who is perfect and never did anything wrong? Throw him away for a chance at a relationship with you? What if we dated for a few months and discovered it wouldn't work out? We share the same group of friends, how awkward would that be? I'm not going to take that chance."

     "Uh, oh you're quiet." he said from the drivers seat. We were at my house in the drive way.
     "Hm? Oh just remembering something." I said, smiling at him. He gave me his hand and I started my massage. I heard a change in his breathing and stopped.
     "Waiting for a goodnight kiss?" he asked.
Please. "No." I said.
     "Aw, damn. I thought about it but figured you wouldn't be too happy." He walked me to the back door to make sure I got there safely and we hugged twice. He told me he'd pick me up tomorrow at 10pm for another bonfire. He offers me nothing but closeness, and right now that's something I need more than anything.

 

Even as a man Gaga is sexy

I didn't understand what happened at first. There was just a crushing blow. What was it? I couldn't open my eyes, or maybe I could? It was dark either way. Very dark. The darkest I had ever witnessed. So dark it was Black. Capitalized out of respect because it felt like I was in its control. Like I was nothing and didn't deserve to exist in the same space or time as it did. Therefore I had to try to be invisible; try to blend in. As if I had a choice.  I couldn't move any part of me. The weight above me was terrible. I felt that if I fully exhaled I would be crushed completely. So I started to breathe very quick and shallow. A brief memory of a rabbit with broken legs came to mind, that's what I was. A rabbit crushed and just trying to blend in so Death wouldn't notice me. So Death wouldn't come any closer.

A heard my mothers voice. No, she was screaming. There was a lot of noise really. It felt like I was in darkness for a lifetime. Not because of how long it took for the weight to be lifted, but because of all the effort it to to co-exist with Black. I felt hands over my body but they felt more like hooves. The pain racked my brain but I couldn't acknowledge it. My mothers screams faded slowly as she disappeared into the background. The hooves finally stopped their searching. They gave up. I'm alive! I wanted to scream. Can't you tell by my breathing? Why did they stop? I am breathing! I was...wasn't I?

     -exert from Believe;, Chapter ten

If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door

"Mesa, was Ryan taking advantage of you?" Molly asked from the front seat.
"Yeah probably." I admitted. Wasn't too hard at the moment. I had more to drink than I should've and I had barely anything to eat again.
"Do you like Ryan?"
"Yeah," I said again "I mean, not as much as Alex - he's the real deal."
"Ryan's pretty cool too though."
"He seems to me like the kind of guy who's only interested in flings though."
"I don't know about that," She said thoughtfully "I can see you two going for a long time. Alex is incredible I just don't like how he's going to take you away from me." Lately Molly had been inviting to everything that happened. I don't know how she stayed so active. I was very gratful for her. She was picking up the slack that Shannon and Chelsea were creating. I had to revamp my wedding list so that Molly and Kyle were in my wedding party instead of Shannon and Chelsea. Every time I try to arrange something Chelsea chooses her boyfriend over it and Shannon always says she's busy. Those two were being pretty lousy friends at the moment. When I got home, I threw up.

The next morning I didn't feel as sick as I thought I would. The weird thing was that the illness lasted all day and on top of that I was increasingly tired as well. I fell asleep twice talking to Alex over skype and when he let me go to get sleep I fell asleep in front of the laptop. I forced myself to eat twice and stopped drinking pop because it was just upsetting my stomach more. I drank double the amount of water I normally do. I miss Alex such an incredible amount and its only been three days. The next five months are going to be the roughest of my life. My mom said I'm finally in real true love.

Everything about Alex is like magical and unreal. I found a piece of paper on my bed side table that he had written the reservation information for the Doubletree on and I looked over it lovingly. He's so professional and careful. Making sure that we're both taken care of and he's especially aware of my needs and exceeds all of my expectations. As a Tracy would.

I remember seeing him in high school. My attention gravitated to him because he was different. He wore a black leather coat that ran the length of his body. His inspiration from The Matrix and he hung out with the girls that I absolutely hated. Black spiked hair, a dog collar, and friends with my stupid step brother (whom we thought was dead the other day because he had a heart attack and was in the hospital unresponsive, and he's only 25). Now he had changed his life and was in plays at delta with Kyle and now was a good friend of mine. I like his new view on life better.

Truth is, I love his laugh. I mean his real laugh. How it sounds forced because it's short and aggressive. I love how I caught him looking at me frequently and his greenish eyes and how he calmly looks away like I hadn't actually caught him. How, in a noisy room, he'll text me even if he's right next to me, just so we can keep talking.

I shouldn't be thinking of him or even dreaming of him (twice in a row, really?) But when he constantly invites me out to bars to meet his friends (he invited Kyle too) and out to group gatherings in Saginaw (that I said no to because a bar is only fun with a boyfriend figure, inwhich he answered "what I'm not good enough?") AND texts me everyday and kind of a good thing because what am I going to text him? He asks a lot of questions about Alex as well.

Yeah I like him a little. But it's just a small thing. I like Dacy too but that's a small thing too. It's just a temporary crush and it'll pass in it's own due time. Alex will be here in a few days. Four sleeps to be exact. And he even booked an extra day at the double tree. We have a lot planned. After this visit it'll be five months before I see him again and that'll be when I go to England to meet his family for Christmas.

Field of Daisys

"I think next time Alex comes over he'll propose to you." She said, as I took a seat across from her.
"What makes you say that?" I asked. She was sitting fixing books and I welcomed the invitation to conversation. I barely got to speak to her, especially since she deleted her facebook because of drama with her new ex boyfriend.
"I'm not sure," she shot me a smile "You two are just so cute together I can just tell. I mean, he's already gotten you a promise ring."
"Well yeah but that's still new."
"Yeah and you haven't been dating really long but some people you just look at and can tell they're supposed to be together."
"Thanks," I smiled. As much as I was interested in her it still made me feel great to know I had Alex. Because he was who I am supposed to be with. We click so well and complete each other.

"So, what'd you two talk about?" Alex asked through the webcam.
"Oh nothing. Girl stuff."
"Yeah I've heard that before." he laughed. "I better keep an eye on you two, somethings going on for sure."
"Oh no no, babe. Just you and me." I didn't want to tell him we were talking about engagement. I want that to happen in its own time. Alex already said before the year is out. So that could be in July or it could be for Christmas. I was going to do Fall semester at college then go to England for Christmas and possibly new years then instead of doing winter semester just get a second job and start saving for traveling, wedding, etc. There was lots to do and Alex often found himself overwhelmed with everything. He wishes he had met me sooner. He said he used to have a lot more money than he has now and could've made everything happen sooner. I just tell him to be patient. We're a team and he's not the only one now.

In an ideal world

"I want to pay for the whole thing."
"That's crazy, mom." I said "It's going to be crazy expensive. Why don't you focus on the flowers or something?"
"No. I want to pay for the dress."
"Well then maybe half. Would that be okay?" My mom pursed her lips and walked out of the room, I quickly followed her. "Mom don't be mad it's going to be expensive though," She continued out the front door. Senior was eating in his chair watching t.v. "She can't pay for the whole thing..." I said.
"It's her money, let her do what she wants with it." he said. Mom wanted to know when she would have to start saving for a wedding. I said how about next year. "Next year?!" was her response. Then she nodded and said okay. The tail end of 2013 was the goal. In an ideal world. Really we're hoping for a lottery win to solve all our problems. Ofcoarse, no amount of money would be enough to convince the UK government that I would be an asset to their country. That was one way to get a VISA. Marriage was another. Once married I can live there. Then I'm given a work VISA and it'll take another three years before I'm officially "British" so to say. Although it's been said to be impossible to take the american out of the American.

I had already been googling images of the wedding things I wanted and adding them all to an album. I had saved several pictures of dresses I liked (oddly enough it was difficult to find one that Alex and I both agreed on) but I still always continued the search until I found the dress I want. I actually found the pic while browsing google on my iPhone while I was bored. I quickly rushed to my laptop and found it and saved it - emailing Alex the photo as well. He agreed. Heavily agreed. Infact he told me to find it and tell him how much it cost. I couldn't find it but I will have one just like it. It's the one I want.



I've also hunted veils, tiaras, shoes, and hair styles (although the hair styles are proving to be a hard thing to truely nail). Really the dress and veil were what I was really looking into. I didn't want a long veil or one that stood out. I was actually very happy with they style collected for Bella Swan. A calm veil stationed behind my head. Like a veil pony tail.

As for wedding photos I'm sure my aunt would do them for free (probably as her wedding present) and I have a friend I met over Fanderson who lives in Florida who is a professional wedding photographer and (although Alex doesn't like him - its a guy thing) Steve has said that he would "LOVE LOVE LOVE" to shoot our wedding. And he'd be willing to work with us if we wanted him here bad enough. Alex's dad also is a photographer, as is Alex. So plenty of skill to go around. I know we're not officially engaged yet. But Alex said that my promise ring would've been an engagment ring if it wasn't for my mom being weirded out by everything. He said soon and I asked when. He said before the year is out.





Safe & Sound

I couldn't handle it anymore. The pain was unbearable. I rolled off my bed and forced myself to double the suggested Advil intake. Waited thirty minutes - still nothing. I felt my abdominal, why did it hurt so much? This was worse than any pms symptoms I'd ever had before. I was nauseous, bloated, severe abdominal pains, I couldn't sleep or eat, was always hungry, and always tired. Every move I made caused me to be aware of the strange new feeling.
Alex said I should see a doctor. But I couldn't. This is America, where we can help other countries but not our own citizens. I had no health care and even the free clinic said I couldn't come back. Alex was looking to buy me health insurance. I knew there was a way to get free health insurance since I was a part time worker. That was my goal. I made phone calls and every call led me to a new person and leaving new voice messages. Until finally it was time for work.
I couldn't do it. I walked into my bosses office and started crying. And that says a lot for me. She immediately rushed to me, wanting to know what kind of sickness it was. I said it sounds pathetic but its pre-period pains but it's not leading to anything. She hugged me and said we'd all been there and sent me home. I was there for an hour. The pain meds already worn off - as if they had impacted me at all. I called my mom, my voice breaking. I texted april asking for help. This couldn't be happening, could it?
I felt like I was dieing. I half expected to not wake up every time I went to sleep. I laid in bed continuously. My mom did not visit. April did not text. Alex called. He was worried, said it was all his fault. How could that be?
I always wondered what would happen if I became pregnant before marriage and in this case with the father 5000 miles away.  I always thought even though it would be early that Alex would be happy. He always wanted to be a father - said it was the best gift I could ever give him. If I were to get an abortion without him knowing? Surely that would shatter his world and he'd be eternally mad at him. I wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway. So we talked about it. I said I wouldn't want to have a child out of wedlock, he agreed. I said but I thought we could still find happiness in it. He agreed.
"So I think we agree to do whats best. For all of our futures." He said, and I smiled at that. How strange. Why was I happy about that? Why was I protective and not as afraid as I should be? That night, I slept.

The next day was worse. The pain traveled to my back and my neck but mostly stayed in my abdominal. My mom actually poked her head in to see how I was doing. Still alive - she left before even a minute had passed. Alex was on the phone with me and I was crying, although I didn't know if he knew or not. I was pretty good at sounding okay. "I'm not sure how they work in the states, but they're confidential right?"
"What are?"
"Abortions. I know they're controversial there."
I was confused. "Yeah, they are."
"Oh good. I'd hate to know what your mom would think."
"I..." I was speechless. I didn't know what to think. "why..." I tried again.
"Awfully quiet babe, you alright?"
"Why would you even bring that up?" I was scrambling for the words.
"Well, don't you think it'd be bad if she found out?"
"Found out what?"
"I...thought we had agreed on that yesterday."
"Agreed on what? I can't- I don't even...understand what you mean. I mean, what? I guess..."
"Isn't that what you meant?"
"You said 'to do whats best for all our futures'."
"Yeah, we can't afford a child right now. We don't even live in the same country yet. I'm saving for plane tickets and weddings." he went on a long speech like he always does and I was shocked. "I'm glad we're talking about it though because I feel the right emotions don't come across when we text."
"Well that's certainly true. I don't understand." No, I had pictured in my mind that Alex would be heartbroken if I had ever gotten an abortion. Now he was encouraging it? Sure I knew I couldn't do this on my own but I loved Alex more than anything. "If you were some random boyfriend I'd understand. But you're the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, that changes things quite a bit. It seems selfish that we do that just because we want a honeymoon in the Caribbean. Or want to see Egypt. Could you really live with yourself if you killed your first born?" He was silent.
"No," he breathed. He felt the impact I was trying to get across. "No, I couldn't." I knew I couldn't either. If I was made to kill my own child, even with my current means I feel I'd never be the same. I'd become depressed and never leave that state of mind. It'd be something I'd regret for the rest of my life. Chanielle did it alone in college even with moving to a different state. My mom did it at 21 (even though she was married). No, I wasn't going to do that. We set a date. If my period didn't start by that day then I'd take a test. If that test was positive I'd to go Aprils and take her extra test. If that was positive I'd have April take me to the hospital (Or probably have to go alone) to have a more formal test done.

A couple days later my period started. It was odd at first and not normal but then it became heavy. Like why-aren't-I-dead-yet heavy. Slowly my symptoms went away. And after a week I'm relatively feeling normal. Alex is more relaxed and I never took that test (yet). I'm still planning to because you can still have another period if you're pregnant.

Alex sends me presents, things to wear next time he's over. He's booked the suite and promises the future. He's everything to me. And randomly I'll feel a twinge of a pain, a light sensation in my abdominal. And I'll remember. They're both everything to me.

Juan Miguel

I felt it through the text. I'm sorry. Please deal with my bullshit again. This time I wouldn't respond. I felt sorry for the lost friendship and went to unfriend him on facebook. Hm, too late, he unfriended me first. Alls well that ends well, I blocked him. Now he can't keep tabs on my life. I wish I could tell him how much of a pain in the ass he is. How he'll always be my best friend - even if he is the worst friend in the world. Alex told me he wasn't worth the time of day - not if he treats me like that. I know it's true. But somewhere in my closet are tapes of Radio Sherling. Tapes I'll never be able to listen to again.

Love Death Birth

My mom entered my room to say good night. I finished up what I was doing and came to her just in time to see her gaze travel across my bedroom. I had no excuse for it. It was a reflection of my state of mind. Nothing a good rake couldn't fix. She looked everything over in a swift straight way a mother does. Snooping silently. She saw my car model, stupid and usless really -  I'd never finish it because I couldn't work the decals, but it was finished. Random clothes bits on the floor along with a shoe box even I didn't know what to do with. She saw my desktop computer - stupid and useless. My lounge chair - stupid and uselss. My purple lace panites - not stupid but useless. Usually I tried to hid things like that from her, but now I felt no need to. It's my room.
"Oh, soil on the floor." she pointed out.
"Armani knocked it over." I said plainly. She nodded.
"Still have your backpack out?"
"Oh." Oh yeah, I forgot about that. "Well school will be here in no time."
"I suppose." Her eyes fell on a picture of Alex and I. Then continued. "Crackers?" She asked, as if snacks were rare in my room. They sat next to the waste basket. A new trend only Alex would understand. "Well there's where your canker sore came from." Yeah, that and my buffet of pickles and olives. The salt murdered my tongue. I couldn't eat for two days, and even then one meal was all I could handle. As if I really cared. Hell - I had four baby carrots and I felt the strongest urge to puke. Like eating was on my list of things to do.

Starships were meant to fly

I knew it was different when my face started to tingle. Why was I so completely fearless? I told myself to wait but I couldn't. Not any longer. Under the cover of darkness I felt the change take effect. With Alex there with me finally I never felt more complete. My arms started to tingle and go numb as well, primarily my right side. Was that supposed to happen? I let it happen. I let everything happen.

He was affectionate. More so than any one I've ever met. When we slept it was as one, his arms around me and always within the reach of my touch. He took care of me, and my friends. He made sure we were safe and taken care of. He promised my mother that he'd look over us and kept his promise perfectly.

My Mom hugged him on sight, rushing forward to meet the man who had flown 5,000 miles just to meet her daughter. She had pulled out the fine dinner dishes that we only use for Christmas and Thanksgiving, gave us permission to have our blown up pictures on the wall in the living room, and told Alex that he was welcome to stay in our house next time he came to visit. April was over and jumped up and ran over to meet him, Nick had organized a seperate dinner at the Great Wall to meet him. My Dad cooked ridiculous ribs at Aprils where we drank and ate and Alex played with Amber, my niece, who seemed to take a liking to him.

The great thing about Alex was that he didn't only fall more in love with me, he fell in love with Bay City. He was able to see what I saw in the city. The beauty and peace of the river and the greatness of the antique buildings and our attempts to make Bay City booming again. We saw so much wildlife even within the city and our visit to state park was perfect. I gave in to his begging to give me a piggy back ride, and there's no better peace than both of us breathing the same air. The same air I've been breathing since I was 10.

He was here and he was real. He is my other half and I've never felt stronger about that. I can see us starting to plan a wedding next year. Alex wants to get married at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac island. He said its only fair that if I'm moving to the UK that we have the wedding in America.

I didn't believe in God, until I found him

It's all my fault. Not seniors. It's all my fault. I'll never be able to forgive myself.

Lose It All

Oh no
Take what you need 'cause I can't hold my breath
Say what you feel 'cause I got nothing left, oh
I made a promise to myself last night
I'm gonna keep it if it's wrong or right

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose and I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful, it's a chance I take even if I break it
I lose it all, if I lose it all
Wouldn't matter anyway

Don't change a thing, perfect as you are
Time has a way, time is all I've got
If my heart should shatter watching you
That'd be one less thing I'd have to prove

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose and I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful, it's a chance I take even if I break it
I lose it all, if I lose it all

Heaven will be waiting when I fall into your open arms
I believe you'll find me there
You'll find me there

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose and I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful, it's a chance I take even if I break it
I lose it all, if I lose it all

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose and I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful, it's a chance I take even if I break it
I lose it all, if I lose it all
Wouldn't matter anyway

To represent America

"You'll never need to worry about anything. You'll never need to ask. I'll do everything I can without being asked, to anticipate your needs, to be the perfect partner, to be your man. And with me so in love with you there is nothing you could ask which I wouldn't do for you. I think this is gonna be perfect between us." He was leaning into the computer, as was I. I felt him through the distance between us. This though, screen to screen, was going to be the closest we could be. At least for another six weeks. "Will you..?" He looked down for a moment.

"Stop." I said.

"I only need your word, for now."

"It can wait til you're here in person."

"I guess I do get a bit carried away." He winked.

"Alex," I started softly "If you rescue me, I'll give you all of me."

"Mesa, you just have to say the word and I'll have our own place tomorrow. I'll fly you over and pay for your visa. I'll marry you without hesitation. No thought." And it would be that easy. I'd sell my car to a family member and get sorted. My step dad and  I have been getting along for a record breaking amount of time. I told Alex about when I would get kicked out and tomorrow would be filled with uncertainty. If I did get kicked out again, I wouldn't be homeless. And if my mother didn't step in as she hadn't in the past, I would be going home. My home that's 5,000 miles away. To my new family that couldn't wait to meet me and for me to be an official member of their family. I hadn't even met them and already I was welcomed and I couldn't wait to be with them. To hug Alex's mother and for her to view me as a daughter. To meet his brothers and have a coke with Alex's dad - who was also a livid coke drinker. It was all too perfect. I was born in the wrong place. But it's alright, because I've found my home, it's just a matter of going back.

Giving My All

                “You’d better watch yourself, chick.” He said, tilting his head in the web cam. He winked at me, his eyes blue right now. Sometimes they were green. My British mood ring.

                “Oh yeah, and why’s that?” I asked, watching him twirl a small black box over his chest.

                “Because I’ve got a ring,”

                “You mean like over the phone?” I asked, being cute. He smiled and opened the velvet wonder so only he could see the contents. He teasingly turned it ever so slightly, knowing the glare of the web cam wouldn’t be able to show much detail. “Better watch it buddy,” I said, turning back to my homework.

                “I think you’d better watch it. You’d better be on your guard 24/7. Got a ring, but what kind? Wedding? Engagement? Promise? Or maybe just an ‘I like you lots ring’?”

                “Well can’t be a wedding ring because we’re not engaged. It can’t be an engagement ring because you haven’t met my mother yet,” I said, starting down the list. I also already knew that he wouldn’t tell me about an engagement ring. I knew right when he was going to propose though, at least I knew how I wanted him to do it. And I have a pretty good way of knowing these things.

                “Ah, your Mum will love me – oops – I mean Mom.”  This is how our conversations went. We always talked about the future. It was Alex’s favorite topic, and I loved how he was so passionate about it – about me. How sensual he could be, how sensual he promised to be. He always spoke of me, and I felt bad that my own mother hasn’t taken the interest that his Mum has taken to me. His mum promises to be my best friend and go shopping and has even said that she can’t wait til I’m her daughter in-law. And that thrilled Alex. It worried me.  Alex’s mum was an attorney for women who were trying to escape abusive relationships so naturally she could easily tell when someone had a good soul. And she said I was the best thing to happen to Alex, which he agreed with. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, I feel myself being pulled to you, pulled thousands of miles just so our souls can be one, like they were always meant to be.”

                He called us soul mates. It was alarming how fast it all was moving. I loved him more than anything. I respected his family and couldn’t wait to meet them. I’ve gone as far as to prepare myself to leave America behind, so that he wouldn’t have to sacrifice his great family and full time job. I’d be willing to start all over – maybe that’s what was best for me anyways. No one loves Bay City like I do. But there are so many ghosts that haunt me here as well. I’d have to leave everything behind. My friends, my family, I’d have no car, or driver’s license, no job, or immediate family. I would be going from an independent adult to basically a child again. It was a lot to ponder. But something I’d be willing to do for love.  

                It was like I was telling my English instructor, “…but I love him. And better me than him.”

Blessings

“You had better not run away with him and get married.” My mother warned. She was sewing something Christmas themed, even though it was March. Lately my mom had been trying her best to complete tasks she hasn’t had time for. Finishing her stitchery and working on lawn chairs. Cleaning out the kitchen and getting framed pictures on the walls. And yet the garland was still on the porch outside.

                “I wouldn’t rob you of that.” I said. “I know how much you want a wedding for one of your daughters.”

                “You’re damn right!” she said, taking a moment to fight off Armani, who was trying to steal string from her lap. “But it’s more than that. If you leave with him, you’ll never come back. I won’t see you again until my funeral!”

                “Mom, I told you I wanted to move far away. I said how about Australia and you said ‘go for it!’.”

                “That’s because I knew you’d never do it.”

I laughed and she did too, but it felt like a knife to my heart. All my crazy rants I’ve had since I was a child might have been crazy and farfetched, and some were thought to be forgotten, but they were still my dreams and I had every intention of making them come true. My mother didn’t believe in me. And my father didn’t care about my relationships.

                “I’m not 12 anymore.” I said.

                “I know, but in my eyes you’ll always be a child.” It wasn’t that I’d be a child in her eyes because I was her baby – her youngest most innocent daughter – but that I’d always be a child because I was incapable to being an adult. I might wear power ranger pajamas or be obsessed with Thunderbirds and still enjoy Pokemon, but I work myself to death and pay my own bills. Half the reason I’m in Criminal Justice was because she said she was proud of me. “MY daughter, a police officer!” it was all the reassurance I needed.

                “Mom, I’m trying to be able to talk to you about this stuff.” I pleaded. She grew serious and smiled lightly.

                “I know, hun, it’s just too soon to get excited. I won’t worry about it until he’s in our kitchen.”

At that point it’ll be too late. I’ll already be gone.

“If you want a man to completely give up other women…

                …You have to give him yourself completely.” I looked up at her slowly. I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. After Shane and I broke up it was like my life was suddenly an open book. But not just any open book – an open joke book. My Mom was proud I hadn’t slept with him, even though I loved him and those were the conditions he laid down. Even when I was with Shane there was Alex online (“Relationships aren’t about putting conditions down, there are compromises sometimes, but it’s about acceptance…”). My mom knew I loved him. She saw it as my life shifted, as Shane stepped away and I lost it for about two weeks; crying myself to sleep and not eating. I poured myself into my school work as much as I could. Where else was I going to put my energy?

                At this point my mother’s main concern was keeping me happy and healthy, and helping me not to become heartbroken again. That would mean giving up guys completely. Still she shined with pride as I told her I wasn’t going to put myself in an uncertain situation – like sex with Shane – just because he wanted that. This was my life and my body was mine. I told the ex a time frame and it still wasn’t good enough. There wasn’t that love there. And even if there was, he wouldn’t understand it. And he abused it.

                I told my mom that I just wasn’t interested in sex. Really I’m barely ever in the mood and it’s just as easy to ignore it as it is to take care of it. Most of the time I ignore it. She seemed happy but also had that look when she didn’t understand something. “Well, Melissa,” She said, hovering around my bedroom. “Someday you’re going to fall in love with a man, and you’ll want to have sex with him. Be it after marriage or before. That’s how you’ll know it’s real.” Probably the most horrible advice I had ever heard. Ashley must’ve been in true love so many times then. You can’t just tell a girl that when she wants to have sex with someone, he’s the one. But my mom knew I was different from those other girls. That advice is dangerous to a normal female, but I’m not normal. When I fall in love – real true love – I’ll want to have sex with him and he’ll be the one.

                “I hope you’re willing to make that sacrifice,” she said.

 I thought of Alex.

                “You’re going to love him, ma.” I smiled.