One for everyday of the week

All this snow is really starting to depress me. So please, lock me in a room with only my husband to talk to, until I get better. Had a really great English class today. Although I do dread group work (especially when I'm the only one who knows what their talking about), talked about everything from WW1 to girls with hair styles that look like they have a giant penis on their head. (Girl with Curious Hair). After that, Nick wanted to stay at Delta until around 2pm so he could play around on the computer. So after class, I went down and aimlessly sat down in the commons people watching. Eventually Josh and Katy came and left, then I was blessed with Kayla's company for about half an hour. Hey,when you have no one to talk to, she has to do. Of coarse her life sucks, as always, because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Never mind the fact that her family is wealthy and gets along. She has a job and a nice car, etc. Just missing the BF part. I told her that I had the BF part, but not the rest. So you have to sacrifice it when you get a guy. Only certain ones are worth the sacrifice.

After Kayla left for work, I went and bought some food. Crazy expensive though. At least I'm pretty sure that I got my moneys worth. Yesterday I had the pleasure of watching Nicks guppy give birth. We had a bet going on just where the baby fish came out of. "Just you watch her vajayjay!" I yelled as my mom walked by. Now we have seven little baby fishies! Cute. I saved ones life...but I'm pretty sure he's dead now. There was about a dozen in total, but moms and dads like to feast on their young...we all know how that goes. I've decided to take charge of my life. It's not working though. I'm taking my written drivers test on Friday (tomorrow) even though my step dad's a bitch. And every time it gets brought up, another war starts. But now wars are kinda quiet bomb shells because he knows that I am one step ahead of him even though he's been there done that. Even with my small income, I'm already making more money than he is. He said the other day that since he has a license he is better than me. I don't need a piece of plastic to be a good driver. Every chance I get I park Nicks car perfectly out in the road backwards. Chris goes on about how I don't have enough money for car insurance and he thinks that my life is at a stand still with cars since he hasn't finished the truck that he wants me to drive, but once I get my financial aide check I'll have no problem buying my cousins wagon for 300. And my real father (not the fake one) said that I can keep it in his garage until I can actually drive it. April will help me find good car insurance since she had to at a younger age than me because of Chris's bullshit. Not to mention Zac's an awesome cousin who wants to help me out and he wouldn't screw me over. Besides it's not a bad car. A '99 Saturn wagon. And from what I hear about it, it's in good condition and hasn't given him any problems. By time my new permit expires, I'll be able to take the test and pass it in my car. By then, I'll have enough money for my car, even if only for a few months. Once I can drive with a license I should be able to find work more easily because I'll have dependable transportation.

There's no way I'm going to be working at a GS camp all summer if my mom won't come up and get me because she doesn't feel like it. This way I'm at least guaranteed a way home, and away out. I'm not spending two weeks straight at a camp. I don't even want to be there for a week straight. It all depends on if the pays good. If not they can forget it.

Black velvet...

You know what I've recently noticed and come to expect? In almost all of my dreams lately, I'm being chased down and either killed or imprisoned...and in my dreams I like it. In several dreams I'm being chased by the police and I'm running from police cruisers or dodging security guards at Wal-mart. There's spikes coming out of the side of buildings and hallways trying to skewer me, but I always dodge them as well. Then towards the end, I can feel fear swelling up in me and they always catch me. Always. Or I die trying to escape. Last night I woke up I hit the ground so hard in my dream. Dead running for my life, through the grey rain, through the thick forest, who was hunting me this time? I was. It was confusing at first, seeing me outside of myself. And it hurt. I was always mad or upset, jealous or envious. While the other me was always happy, bubbly even. Then she came. I can't remember her face now, but in the dream I competed with the "good" me for her affection, friendship. I lost though. I had to watch myself be with her. Who ever she was. And I hated it. I loathed myself for not being able to be her friend. I WANTED her, dammit! She was supposed to by my friend! For months I listened to them laugh together, walk together, just be best friends together.

Then one day the girl spoke to me. Ofcoarse she was with Good Melissa and I was just Bad Melissa but I advanced her with angry disbelief. She asked me what I thought about everytime I looked at her. At first I couldn't believe that she had ever even known of my existance. She never even glanced at me, at least that I noticed. My anger growing, I advanced her. "What do I think of? What do I think of?! I think of pain, poisen, black velvet...blood and death!". Suddenly out of no where, I had a knife in my hand and I lunged at the girl. Good Melissa jumped across and grabbed my wrist. We fell to the ground and the knife sunk into the soft earth. Melissa slapped me and pinned me to the ground. Somehow I freed an arm and forced her off me. Melissa grabbed the knife out of the ground and made a slash at me. I dodged but she kept coming after me. It was getting too close so I turned and ran. She continued to chase me through the thick grey woods, I had to force my way through shrubs and low trees in order to escape her. Eventually though, I managed to out run her but knew I couldn't go back now. Not after that feat. It started to down pour as I made my way through the woods. All the trees were the same. They were all white birch, or zebra wood, as I call it.

After some time of wandering, I came to a small village on the side of an extremely steep but short cliff. Right before the wall of rock was a shallow river. Too keep this part short, I hung around this village for awhile because there was a man in the village who was a father to a little girl that I had a grown a sort of affection for. Very similar to the affection I had for the previous girl. No one in the village knew I was in the woods right outside of it. For some reason I was afraid to expose myself to them, as if I was a wild animal. Eventually, however, the little girl came out of the village to play in the river. Her father wasn't around so I decided to get her a gift. This is the sadistic part. I went into the woods and found, and killed, a Doe and her fawn. I brought the dead fawn to the river where the girl was playing. I went up to her and offered her the dead fawn. Once she saw the dead animal, she started to scream and her father came out of no where, waving around pots and pans. I ran back into the woods, where I was once again running for my life. I evaded the angry father much easier than I had Melissa. I was now so deep into the grey woods that I couldn't see the sky. I was once again broken that I lost the girls affection again.

Somehow I made friends with a bear cub of some kind. And it followed me through the woods which now the ground was covered in a sort of grass that was about knee high and swayed in a breeze I couldn't feel. It was night time and darkness swept across the woods. I can remember the whole time looking for something I called home. But wasn't home where I was thrown out of? Wasn't I forbidden to return home? I found a cave and started to take shelter from the rain, when I stopped suddenly. I felt the bear cub behind me, confused at why I stopped. I stared into the darkness...yes there it was. I slammed my eyes shut and waited. A few seconds later I opened them again...then closed them. A little bit later, I opened them again. Well I wasn't mistaken, I could see a pair of glowing eyes that surveyed the cave in my direction. It was a bear, and from what I could see, it was a very large one. It grunted and I knew it saw me. Actual fear rose up in me and I knelt down, grabbed the bear cub and swung it at the giant. The adult bear was temporarily distracted by the intruder but ignored it knowing now that I was, for a fact, there. It charged and I ran down a riveen to the right of the cave. It thundered after me, breaking and snapping trees as it went. The riveen turned into a mud slide and I fell onto my side which then became my back. The bear couldn't keep up and disappeared. I was sliding uncontrolably towards the end of the ride. At the bottom there was a circle storm drain and I was headed right for it. Unable to do anything about it, I slammed into it with my back. I couldn't move and I laid there covered in mud, blood, and the water that continued to rain from the grey sky...

That's when I woke up, and when I couldn't fall back asleep. I tossed and turned, first it was too hot, then too cold. Then I couldn't get comfortable, etc. You know the story. I knew before I went to sleep that I would have a dream like that. That's basically how they all go lately. Running from something that's out to get me. I hope that now that I wrote about it, I'll be able to have different kinds of dreams now. That's how it goes with me. Have dreams of God? Write them down, they go away. Sorry if I wasted your time. My blog, my dreams.

A rose by any other name still smells as sweet...

I went by my new "normal" routine this morning, as normal can now be described. I fetched my cup of coffee and sat in front of our bay window with my feet propped up against the marble sill. It always started out uncomfortable but as the feeling leaves my legs and the tingly sensation sets in, it becomes rather enjoyable. Queenie was spazzing out some where in the house, seeing as Nick was exclaiming her name. Yes sir, just a typical Thursday morning. I had class at 11 a.m. and the sun was warm. Contrary to what the radio said about the temp being at only 2 degrees, with negative wind chill, I had opened my bedroom curtains and allowed my Moms plants to have some light. I moved my desk chair by the window and set my bamboo plant in the sun, it was starting to get a funky color to it and it wasn't as strong as it used to be.

After making an attempt at telling Nick how to live his life, which he agreed with most of the points I made, I went out to start his car. While out there, I waved to the neighbors and scraped off Nicks windows. I returned to the house to wait 15 minutes for the car to warm up, then grabbed my back pack and Nick and I headed out to get a higher education. The American dream. Then I was surfing the halls with the normal dwindling thoughts. What do I want to be when I "grow-up?". I thought of childhood dreams...stunt driver, astronaut, vet, writer...all of which seemed out of touch. Let's face it, I'm not going to see the Earth from space, I can't even drive a car legally, Vets need a hell of a lot of math and I can't even do regular math, and...writing? I have the raw talent and the determination, but I can't just graduate with a novelist degree. I didn't need a degree at all. I thought of getting my English Literature degree, but then what? Working at Walmart until I publish a book? I wanted a career right out of college, like my sister. But I don't want to be a nurse or anything AT ALL that the people would have to wear scrubs. Writing is the only area I've found that I have natural talent in. Even video game designers need Calculus.

Then I woke up one morning with a brilliant idea (one of which I've had since I was a freshmen in high school): Animal Rescue. (BTW, this isn't written in stone or anything). I've known my whole life I wanted to work with animals, and people tell me that, yes even though I have to take a million math courses to become a VET and law classes to be a RESCUER, I have the natural talent that they can't teach in college. And that was supposedly how to communicate with the animals. Not like "how ya doin'?", just how to communicate with them. I want to make sure that I choose a career that I will be successful in, make money and help support my future family. Buy a house and my dream car. Be able to retire, unlike my mother. Have a great job, unlike my father. Make a difference, unlike my family. I'm in such a rush for the future that I'm not even enjoying life now. I keep telling myself "It'll all be better in a few years...". And why? Because I might live with someone else? Because I'll have more problems and bills? Because I may have a baby or two? What about now? I want to be able to look at my current life and honestly be able to say that I'm happy with how things are. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and loved ones and such. I have a roof over my head and food to eat; hell, I even have an enjoyable job that gives me the income I need to support myself and my college life. But most of the time I feel alone or sick. I'm in pain and no one believes me, or fate rips plans out from underneath us, which creates more problems, most invisible to the eyes. Well, invisible to the eyes unless you can see me at night where I cry in bed because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this takes us. I've already disappointed the love of my life because things that I couldn't control happened. Now I don't know what to do. I don't see a way to make this weekend truely special anymore. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I just wish we both knew that reason, and how to do something about it.

Even Batman wore black...

So this was the first week of the new semester at Delta College. Honestly I missed walking the halls and the courtyard and in the Independence it offered to me. I was glad to be back, except for one little detail. I was alone once again. A new semester is like wiping the slate clean, which can be good and can be bad. For me, it was both. I hated my old classes and was ready for a change of scenery, but with that deal, I "lost" the friends I had made before hand.

My American history class sucked right off the bat. I sat next to the wall and this tard sat next to me. I could tell he must have been a jock in high school but he had all of his notes from middle and high school in his binder and he kept reviewing them and writing down new ones. The way he sat made me feel alone ( and aggravated) because he was using his body as a wall. Against two walls. And then I didn't even have the right books for the class since I bought the wrong ones and I got a black mark, or whatever the hell that means. I took furious notes and still felt like I missed things. She spat out information faster than anything I'm used to. Oh, did I mention that today we have a quiz on the syllabus? On the other hand, yesterdays English class was kinda fun. My teacher reminds me of Mrs. Fritzler exactly. We, as a class, were asked to describe her. We said eccentric. There's a lot of hands on assignments, which includs a ten page GROUP ASSIGNMENT so I'll have to write with people I don't know. I think it'll be okay though, they seem cool. My music class would have been suicide worthy except I know two people in that class. Josh and his girlfriend Katie. Now I found this to be extremely ironic. What are the chances? He's going into computers and yet he's in a music class. The teaching are all really middle schoolish, but I think I'm finally starting to learn how to read music...although I can't figure out how to count measures and what the differents between two two and four four is. Four four is slower, right? God, Taylor must be so ashamed, lol. Too damn bad. Hydenburgs fault.

So, today I'll be at Delta until Nicks class gets out at 4pm. Which is kinda depressing since my class gets out at about 1:30pm. Hell, I'll wonder around and maybe, if I'm lucky, get lost. I should probably get going to my history class though, I really wish I had taken Western civilization like I wanted. Egyptians are more fun than Americans. Time to take that gay ass test on the syllabus, which I have read over several times, but let's start bets that I''ll still fail the test just because I'm Melissa and it's written in the stars? Well, we'll find out on Friday, that's when I have astronomy.

"Night...morning...Twilight :)"

As tired as I was last night at about midnight, I still grabbed my phone to see who was texting me. I had gotten two messages. One was from Ben and the other from Shae. Shae had been texting me alot lately and I wasn't sure how to take it until he bluntly asked me out to a movie. Those who know my past know that I had a WTF moment and a heart attack to accompany it. Ben, on the other hand, wanted to know if it was okay for him to call me. He needed to talk about something important. I said, "Oh Ben, in the morning plz :)" and he responded with "I know I'm probably being a dick but please can I just have 5 minutes? I swear I won't be mad if you say no." I rolled my eyes and said okay. He called me and basically was like "wow, hi, how ya been?". Basically the poor guy was having problems with his sorta not really girl friend, Kayla. It took him a long time to explain exactly what he was going through then he apologized for taking up my time. 8 minutes now. I said it was fine and he said I had a nice voice. Then started yelling at himself for saying that. He kept saying things then immediatly regretting them. He asked if I was still mad at him from school. I said no. He said "I'll probably end up regretting saying this and I'm not trying to steal you away from Swifty, don't think that, but...during school--I can say this now because I'm not going to Delta next semester--but I had a crush on you, and when I was mean to you, it was because I was mad because I was growing towards you and away from Kayla." I laid there listening to him explain himself. He said sorry. I said I already knew all that. Ben always said I was just like Kayla, he even called me Kayla on accident sometimes. Now I was the only person who he could turn to, popular Ben only had me to confess to.

Well, that promised 5 minutes turned into just over an hour. We talked about everything from Kayla and Delta to what we do during the day to Twilight. Which Ben went on and on about the books and the characters and Bellas want to be a vampire...Then of coarse Ben asked if I was a christian yet. "Seriously, you're so cool, why can't you just be christian?". I don't know, I guess I have to find something to believe in first. Really, I liked hearing from Ben. I didn't miss him, but I know he won't be there in class on monday, and that thought kinda depresses me.

The Voicemail

The night after Commencements...

"I don't know what you did to that poor man," my mom started. She was pacing around the kitchen putting dishes away; I watched her with uncaring eyes. "But he is stressed out over you. All day during commencment he was saying things like 'what do I have to do?' and 'what will make it better?'. You know what he actually says to me?" She paused her dance and crossed her arms, looking me over. "He says he wants to marry you. He says he's not going anywhere, if he leaves, it's becaus you said goodbye." I know Mom. "I know you know. You have alot of power over him. Just becareful, he has feelings too." She left me alone in the kitchen and I sat there with only Alaina. It was time...


A few months before...

Matthew had this addiction to the game phone tag. You know, he'd call and I'd miss it so he'd leave a voice mail, then I would call him back, etc. Well, when I miss a call, it's because I couldn't come to the phone. Not because I wanted to see how cute of a voicemail Matt could leave. That was his job. Then one evening, Matthew called and I missed it. He left a voicemail saying to call him back, so I did. Low and behold, he didn't answer. I was swiftly getting tired of calling him back and having to leave a voicemail for him to call back AGAIN. I was already irratated before his answering maching kicked on so I left a message through gritted teeth and a forced smile: "Hey Matt," I made my words come out long, trying to sound full of 'forced happiness'. "It's just meee. Calling you baack. How come you never answer your phooone? Anyways, call me baaack. Byyye." I slammed the phone down and laid down.

My mistake. I guess that was the cutest voicemail he had ever heard. Apparently it really showed how much I loved him. I'd roll my eyes everytime he would say that. I was just amused how he thought I was honestly happy with him when he had recieved it. It was my own little secret that I had been pissed as hell...


The day of the break up...

It had been a matter of two days since the fight with Matthew where I told him that I didn't love him. I was in the shower when Senior knocked on the door saying I had company. At first I though "too damn bad, I love my showers" but I got out anyways, dressed, and went out into the living room. There was Matthew on the couch. "I'm sorry," he started "I told him not to interupt your shower." I said it was fine and I followed him into the living room. He stopped and looked at me. "What? What's wrong?" I asked him. "There's no emerengcy or anything, I just think we need to talk. Can we go somewhere?" I told him we could go out to his truck. Once in the truck, that I had learned to love, still had that new car smell, there was that horrible silence. He had his hand resting on this goatee. I prayed. Say something, say what's on your mind. I can take whatever you throw at me. Then thoughts of Taylor flashed through my mind. The day before, us two sitting together on a bench on the rail trail..."I just don't know what to do anymore, Melissa." Matt interupted my thoughts, I shot a glance at him. "It's been two days...and nothing. No calls, no texts, email, nothing." He looked at me, trying to look mad. I could see right through it. He was weak around me, I was a Goddess compared to him. I hated that. I hated being so superior. I needed someone to worship who equally worshiped me. Or didn't. "I just needed my space." He scooted over in his seat "Here's your space!" That was it right there. That amount of sarcasim slammed shut a huge door in my mind. I straightned up, and he noticed it. "Melissa," he sounded almost pleading, but he was still covering it up. "How do you expect me to react after you tell me that you're not even sure you love me anymore? Two days! NOTHING! I've made myself sick twice with worry." His body was turned towards me now, trying to find my eye contact. It made it once, but that was enough, my eyes shot straight ahead. Someone help me. I looked up to the house, but no one was watching. Good God, my hand on the door. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak. There was a long silence where I thought he was going to be sick again, he was tightly gripping the steering wheel and swallowing hard. I was glad we weren't driving. He would probably decide that if he couldn't have me, nobody could, then drive off the Liberty bridge. I'd drown in the Saginaw River and never be found again. Suddenly he whipped out his phone. Great who's he calling now? He turned on his speaker and my voice came "Heeey Matt..." he slammed his phone shut. "What happened to that Melissa? That's the Melissa I fell in love with. She was sweet and fun and--" I couldn't take it. He was actually yelling at me, so I yelled back. "That was a FAKE Matthew! I was pissed when I sent you that message! That's FAKE happiness! I spoke through gritted teeth! Why can't you just answer your damn phone when it rings?!" He didn't seem to care.


snap. "I want you to tell me what you were going to tell me at the Hampton Mall, what happened to you that stops you from becoming closer to me." no no no. I looked away from him. no no no. I had prepared myself for this for a while. Why couldn't I just say it? Just spit it out. It must be my fault. The secret keeps ruining things for me. now...nope still nothing. Oh God, my eyes were watering. I quickly looked away. Can't make a Goddess cry, can't make her do it...no no no. A flash of red. My moms truck pulled past and into the drive-way. no no no. Matthew slammed his hands down hard on the steering wheel. It's not the cars fault...He practically kicked open his door. "Good, moms here." He got out. I panicked, "Where are you going?" He didn't look back, "To get some answers." no no no. I jumped out. "Matthew stop." I demanded. No. He was done listening to me. I was losing control of the situation, I knew it was too late for me. My mom got out of her car and stopped when Matt called to her. "I need your help because you always seem to know what to do." He said. I rolled my eyes. Oh, don't let her see that your world is falling apart because your arrogant! Matt started to tell my mom about our problems and she suggested somethings and said that perhaps I was too young and we should start over as friends. She was getting her wish. Then senior came out and started to "Help with the situation". That annoyed the fuck out of me. When my parentals finally went in the house. Matthew turned to me and his iron wall melted. He knew...oh he knew. I bet he saw flames shoot up around me and he knew my wrath was worse than anything God himself could think of. I was crying uncontrolably. I didn't have time to be ashamed of myself for the tears of anger, hate, pity, heartbreak. I started to scold him. How dare he yelled at me for not being a virgin when he himself had a bastard child. I got on his knees and begged for me to forgive him. My heart of ice. no no no. Not this time. Not next time. Not ever. no no no. I was done here. That did it. Gone. I was strong, I'm not going to be one of those women that keep going back to a guy just because he begs on his knees. I'm here for myself. I've seen too many trainwreck relationships where the girl got hurt. Not this time. no no no... Matthew retreated down the drive-way, his hands on his head. His truck started and he left. I stood in the drive-way crying in the moonlight. It was a full moon. We were at play...

Two days after that, Matthew and I broke up. Everyone knows the rest of that story. That day. I layed out in the sun, Indy on my stomach, purring happily. This was it. I smiled in the sunlight. yes yes yes...