The Voicemail

The night after Commencements...

"I don't know what you did to that poor man," my mom started. She was pacing around the kitchen putting dishes away; I watched her with uncaring eyes. "But he is stressed out over you. All day during commencment he was saying things like 'what do I have to do?' and 'what will make it better?'. You know what he actually says to me?" She paused her dance and crossed her arms, looking me over. "He says he wants to marry you. He says he's not going anywhere, if he leaves, it's becaus you said goodbye." I know Mom. "I know you know. You have alot of power over him. Just becareful, he has feelings too." She left me alone in the kitchen and I sat there with only Alaina. It was time...


A few months before...

Matthew had this addiction to the game phone tag. You know, he'd call and I'd miss it so he'd leave a voice mail, then I would call him back, etc. Well, when I miss a call, it's because I couldn't come to the phone. Not because I wanted to see how cute of a voicemail Matt could leave. That was his job. Then one evening, Matthew called and I missed it. He left a voicemail saying to call him back, so I did. Low and behold, he didn't answer. I was swiftly getting tired of calling him back and having to leave a voicemail for him to call back AGAIN. I was already irratated before his answering maching kicked on so I left a message through gritted teeth and a forced smile: "Hey Matt," I made my words come out long, trying to sound full of 'forced happiness'. "It's just meee. Calling you baack. How come you never answer your phooone? Anyways, call me baaack. Byyye." I slammed the phone down and laid down.

My mistake. I guess that was the cutest voicemail he had ever heard. Apparently it really showed how much I loved him. I'd roll my eyes everytime he would say that. I was just amused how he thought I was honestly happy with him when he had recieved it. It was my own little secret that I had been pissed as hell...


The day of the break up...

It had been a matter of two days since the fight with Matthew where I told him that I didn't love him. I was in the shower when Senior knocked on the door saying I had company. At first I though "too damn bad, I love my showers" but I got out anyways, dressed, and went out into the living room. There was Matthew on the couch. "I'm sorry," he started "I told him not to interupt your shower." I said it was fine and I followed him into the living room. He stopped and looked at me. "What? What's wrong?" I asked him. "There's no emerengcy or anything, I just think we need to talk. Can we go somewhere?" I told him we could go out to his truck. Once in the truck, that I had learned to love, still had that new car smell, there was that horrible silence. He had his hand resting on this goatee. I prayed. Say something, say what's on your mind. I can take whatever you throw at me. Then thoughts of Taylor flashed through my mind. The day before, us two sitting together on a bench on the rail trail..."I just don't know what to do anymore, Melissa." Matt interupted my thoughts, I shot a glance at him. "It's been two days...and nothing. No calls, no texts, email, nothing." He looked at me, trying to look mad. I could see right through it. He was weak around me, I was a Goddess compared to him. I hated that. I hated being so superior. I needed someone to worship who equally worshiped me. Or didn't. "I just needed my space." He scooted over in his seat "Here's your space!" That was it right there. That amount of sarcasim slammed shut a huge door in my mind. I straightned up, and he noticed it. "Melissa," he sounded almost pleading, but he was still covering it up. "How do you expect me to react after you tell me that you're not even sure you love me anymore? Two days! NOTHING! I've made myself sick twice with worry." His body was turned towards me now, trying to find my eye contact. It made it once, but that was enough, my eyes shot straight ahead. Someone help me. I looked up to the house, but no one was watching. Good God, my hand on the door. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak. There was a long silence where I thought he was going to be sick again, he was tightly gripping the steering wheel and swallowing hard. I was glad we weren't driving. He would probably decide that if he couldn't have me, nobody could, then drive off the Liberty bridge. I'd drown in the Saginaw River and never be found again. Suddenly he whipped out his phone. Great who's he calling now? He turned on his speaker and my voice came "Heeey Matt..." he slammed his phone shut. "What happened to that Melissa? That's the Melissa I fell in love with. She was sweet and fun and--" I couldn't take it. He was actually yelling at me, so I yelled back. "That was a FAKE Matthew! I was pissed when I sent you that message! That's FAKE happiness! I spoke through gritted teeth! Why can't you just answer your damn phone when it rings?!" He didn't seem to care.


snap. "I want you to tell me what you were going to tell me at the Hampton Mall, what happened to you that stops you from becoming closer to me." no no no. I looked away from him. no no no. I had prepared myself for this for a while. Why couldn't I just say it? Just spit it out. It must be my fault. The secret keeps ruining things for me. now...nope still nothing. Oh God, my eyes were watering. I quickly looked away. Can't make a Goddess cry, can't make her do it...no no no. A flash of red. My moms truck pulled past and into the drive-way. no no no. Matthew slammed his hands down hard on the steering wheel. It's not the cars fault...He practically kicked open his door. "Good, moms here." He got out. I panicked, "Where are you going?" He didn't look back, "To get some answers." no no no. I jumped out. "Matthew stop." I demanded. No. He was done listening to me. I was losing control of the situation, I knew it was too late for me. My mom got out of her car and stopped when Matt called to her. "I need your help because you always seem to know what to do." He said. I rolled my eyes. Oh, don't let her see that your world is falling apart because your arrogant! Matt started to tell my mom about our problems and she suggested somethings and said that perhaps I was too young and we should start over as friends. She was getting her wish. Then senior came out and started to "Help with the situation". That annoyed the fuck out of me. When my parentals finally went in the house. Matthew turned to me and his iron wall melted. He knew...oh he knew. I bet he saw flames shoot up around me and he knew my wrath was worse than anything God himself could think of. I was crying uncontrolably. I didn't have time to be ashamed of myself for the tears of anger, hate, pity, heartbreak. I started to scold him. How dare he yelled at me for not being a virgin when he himself had a bastard child. I got on his knees and begged for me to forgive him. My heart of ice. no no no. Not this time. Not next time. Not ever. no no no. I was done here. That did it. Gone. I was strong, I'm not going to be one of those women that keep going back to a guy just because he begs on his knees. I'm here for myself. I've seen too many trainwreck relationships where the girl got hurt. Not this time. no no no... Matthew retreated down the drive-way, his hands on his head. His truck started and he left. I stood in the drive-way crying in the moonlight. It was a full moon. We were at play...

Two days after that, Matthew and I broke up. Everyone knows the rest of that story. That day. I layed out in the sun, Indy on my stomach, purring happily. This was it. I smiled in the sunlight. yes yes yes...