I went by my new "normal" routine this morning, as normal can now be described. I fetched my cup of coffee and sat in front of our bay window with my feet propped up against the marble sill. It always started out uncomfortable but as the feeling leaves my legs and the tingly sensation sets in, it becomes rather enjoyable. Queenie was spazzing out some where in the house, seeing as Nick was exclaiming her name. Yes sir, just a typical Thursday morning. I had class at 11 a.m. and the sun was warm. Contrary to what the radio said about the temp being at only 2 degrees, with negative wind chill, I had opened my bedroom curtains and allowed my Moms plants to have some light. I moved my desk chair by the window and set my bamboo plant in the sun, it was starting to get a funky color to it and it wasn't as strong as it used to be. After making an attempt at telling Nick how to live his life, which he agreed with most of the points I made, I went out to start his car. While out there, I waved to the neighbors and scraped off Nicks windows. I returned to the house to wait 15 minutes for the car to warm up, then grabbed my back pack and Nick and I headed out to get a higher education. The American dream. Then I was surfing the halls with the normal dwindling thoughts. What do I want to be when I "grow-up?". I thought of childhood dreams...stunt driver, astronaut, vet, writer...all of which seemed out of touch. Let's face it, I'm not going to see the Earth from space, I can't even drive a car legally, Vets need a hell of a lot of math and I can't even do regular math, and...writing? I have the raw talent and the determination, but I can't just graduate with a novelist degree. I didn't need a degree at all. I thought of getting my English Literature degree, but then what? Working at Walmart until I publish a book? I wanted a career right out of college, like my sister. But I don't want to be a nurse or anything AT ALL that the people would have to wear scrubs. Writing is the only area I've found that I have natural talent in. Even video game designers need Calculus.
Then I woke up one morning with a brilliant idea (one of which I've had since I was a freshmen in high school): Animal Rescue. (BTW, this isn't written in stone or anything). I've known my whole life I wanted to work with animals, and people tell me that, yes even though I have to take a million math courses to become a VET and law classes to be a RESCUER, I have the natural talent that they can't teach in college. And that was supposedly how to communicate with the animals. Not like "how ya doin'?", just how to communicate with them. I want to make sure that I choose a career that I will be successful in, make money and help support my future family. Buy a house and my dream car. Be able to retire, unlike my mother. Have a great job, unlike my father. Make a difference, unlike my family. I'm in such a rush for the future that I'm not even enjoying life now. I keep telling myself "It'll all be better in a few years...". And why? Because I might live with someone else? Because I'll have more problems and bills? Because I may have a baby or two? What about now? I want to be able to look at my current life and honestly be able to say that I'm happy with how things are. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and loved ones and such. I have a roof over my head and food to eat; hell, I even have an enjoyable job that gives me the income I need to support myself and my college life. But most of the time I feel alone or sick. I'm in pain and no one believes me, or fate rips plans out from underneath us, which creates more problems, most invisible to the eyes. Well, invisible to the eyes unless you can see me at night where I cry in bed because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this takes us. I've already disappointed the love of my life because things that I couldn't control happened. Now I don't know what to do. I don't see a way to make this weekend truely special anymore. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I just wish we both knew that reason, and how to do something about it.
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