I chose my eyes

Wow, I really should go get dressed now that my laundry is done. I knew getting on the computer would put a delay in my plans. It doesn't help that I can't sleep at night so I make up for it in the morning by sleeping in past noon. Which is sorta good cuz I hate breakfast now, so I can skip right to lunch. The sad thing is that I'm still tired. All my clothes were dirty so I washed them and ate and played Sudoku while waiting. Then I tried to upload pictures onto myspace but couldn't, even though I could upload them onto Facebook. Well, now you know where to go to find them.

Still no sign of Ms. Annabel, I had a dream we found her and it was back to the normal racing out to my car to beat her out to it so she doesn't get ran over. Maybe she did get ran over? Taylor refuses to believe that she could be dead somewhere. The last I heard of her she was screaming her little cat scream in the front yard, but that was while I was sick so I couldn't do anything about it. I hate sitting here in my pajamas though, I should get dressed and get a move on. Maybe I'll wait til tomorrow to get money out of the bank so I can pay my cell phone bill and get gas. The longer I wait the better. But, alas, I'm only delaying the inevitable.

When I can sleep I have weird dreams. Last night I had a dream where I got kicked off a bus (kinda like the Metro) for getting in a fight with Ashley which started out verbal then got physical. It got my point across though, she was the whole reason I got on the bus in the first place. Later on in the morning I had a dream about the book I'm writing: Believe. I have an idea of how I want chapter 13 to go now but it's one of those things where I don't want the book to trail on forever and I'm not even sure what direction I'm taking it anyways. Guess I'll need to ponder more on that later.

Well Alaina's nudging me so I should get going. Gotta get all cute for my Taylor tonight!

I still believe in your eyes...

I was actually able to eat today. That's great news. I had subway too, and that makes it better because that's hardcore stuff. I did my typical running around, got my cars oil filter, and bought pop for the first time in nearly two weeks. It still tastes funny but at least it doesn't taste like acid anymore. I'm well on my way to being 100% healthy again! I went to the doctors yesterday and ended up getting my flu shot, which didn't hurt at all, I was waiting for her to do it and she said that she was done already. I learned lots of stuff about me, health wise. Senior was nice and picked up my medication for me before I had even woke up. I tried to take one of the pills, that my doctor promised would be small enough to take, but it got stuck on the top of my mouth (how does that even happen?) So I had to end up opening it up and swallowing the powder, which numbed my tongue and lips for a good hour. Fail.

My goal was to vacuum my room today but I didn't because senior slept in all day, so I was courteous and let him continue. I registered for winter semester yesterday after a TON of complications with the system. I only got two classes that I actually wanted to take which were math and biology. Other than that I got stuck with government and British literature. Which I'll be good at, I'm just tired of it.

Bowling Friday!! I told myself I would only go if I was eating regular, because that would mean I was healthy enough and wouldn't relapse. Taylor said he may be able to come bowling and stay out later so we can do so. I'm glad, because last time Matt was there with his woman and Jeff was my temporary relief from that scenario. Matt seems to have really changed, even Nick admitted it. He used to be like me. Jumping around having fun and fooling around with Nick; but now he just sits there and smokes and drinks with Kristina. Even Kristina got up to dance to the Cupid Shuffle, which I successfully managed to mock her and basically learn the dance. Now that I know HOW to bowl, I can actually do well. Last time I scored an all time high of 106! That's great for me! I had to break 100, Jeffy and I had a bet going that if I didn't, he got to take me out to eat as friends. And if I did he had to ask me to dinner as friends. Well, once again, it's not hard to say no, children. Back to Matthew though, Nick said that ever since Kristina moved in he's been acting like that. I'm sure I had a huge factor on his behavior at the bowling alley, but he could have rubbed it in my face at least. I mean come on! Play the game! Nick says that Matt and Kristina's son fight like Senior and I typically do. They're always at each others throats. Oh well.

Okay, let's get this thing rolling already

It's official: the four grand kids are no longer living with us. Late that one night Jr. and Robyn came over and demanded we give them up. We called the police but they said there was nothing we could do to keep them . Our Right of Attorney documents didn't even help us any. Which from my point of view is great, because I was on my last straw with them. They never listened to me and always seemed to want to break the rules, even after months of living with us they still didn't learn that a slap on the ass means its wrong. It's like crying wasn't a big deal for them. I'm glad they're gone, but now they're living in a cramped damp basement that is way to small for the family of six. So I'm naturally concerned for their well-being, so long as I don't have to house or baby sit them for free as i was doing. Jr. and Robyn, only wanted the kids back so they could have food stamps and well fare money.

Now, you may think that life is just dipity doo da since they've been gone. But they didn't take everything with them. Besides leaving their clothes, beds, toys, and school stuff here, they left their diseases too. Everyone swiftly got sick, and VERY sick. Of coarse no one went to the doctors but Cody and Logan, whom got medication. Senior and I were sicker than dogs and my Mom tried to hide it so she could continue to work so we didn't die. I was on bed rest for a whole week with something terrible that almost killed me. I thought I was better for Halloween so I could spend some good time with Taylor (read his blog for details on that) but, alas, I became ill AGAIN and had to go home too early. And here I sit a few days after the fact. I can walk around now and I've thoroughly cleaned my room and car. I still feel ugh-ish but I'm starting to eat again which is great considering I didn't for over a week. Every thing tasted like acid and created insane amounts of nausea that never resulted in throwing up. AMEN! I hate that. Yuck.

I'm just tired of being sick and missing my Taylor. My friends have wanted to hang out and I haven't been able to. Nick wants to go bowling on Friday and I'm only going if I am eating and drinking regularly. Like pop and sweets and meat. Which I don't know if that'll happen because I'm just now able to drink apple juice. That's actually quite the accomplishment. Especially since I turned out to be allergic to the medicine I was taking to kill whatever was in me. So now my body has an itchy rash and minor hives. Yes, I know, I'm actually allergic to something. What a way to find out. Today, Senior's taking me to the Free Clinic ('cause I don't have health insurance) and they'll look me over and maybe even help with insurance. I'm going to be getting all my shots considering I'm way behind on all of them. Wish me luck being a pin cushion.

You can tell my stomach has shrunk (nothing new for me) I had one bowl of buttered noodles at noon and I'm still stuffed. I'll need them for dinner too, cuz I don't want Shepard's pie, and that's what they're making. Great, right as I'm starting to eat they're making food I hate. Old habits die hard I guess...

A match made in heaven...or hell

Today was supposed to be a normal Saturday; I got to sleep in til ten thirty when I woke up on my own. Logan had his football game and my mom took the kids somewhere. The morning was nothing to be admired: i sat around watching cartoons with Cody and drank apple juice. Yum. When they got back from the football game Senior told me (and everyone who didn't know) what had happened. Now, I don't mean about the football game. I'm talking about how Jr. called Robyn (who was in mount pleasant gambling with another man) and told her about the letter that her sister wrote to us saying that they didn't deserve to have their children and that she would help all she could to ensure that the kids stayed in our custody. Well, Robyn flipped and called her sister bitching, called senior bitching, then called my Busia bitching. My Busia doesn't even LET Robyn over anymore because all she talks to her about is all the sexual stuff they do. How disrespectful! You don't tell people, let alone a grandmother, about all the sexual shit you do with a said person. They are of relation and that stuff is private anyhow!

Well since Robyn was fruiting out, we had to keep the doors locked and were instructed to call 911 if we saw her (and were instructed to tell the police that we needed a CPS worker dispatched also). I was even told to keep my phone on me at all times. Of coarse I'm the only one who has learned that Robyn likes to bluff about this kind of stuff. She said that she was going to come over and take the kids and live in a homeless shelter if need be. She didn't care. And that 's exactly why we ended up with the kids in the first place. Besides not being able to commit to each other or parenting, they don't care about the kids. Hence why the kids are monsters.

As I predicted, nothing happened. Jr. just wanted to ruin her day since she was out with a man she said she didn't want anything to do with after the first time she had met him. If this is the same guy. I don't understand how a woman like Robyn could ever get a guy. But let me tell you: Her and Jr. are perfect for each other.

Smokie has finally come home...

My car's at that age when everything on it is starting to break. Manufacturers program car parts to break so that you have to continually buy new parts. It's how they make money. The rotor I got for it is too small for my car, by a lot. So I'll take it back to Taylor's; which I figured something would go wrong. Although there was apart of me that said it would be fine. Well I know now what voice to listen to.

My neighbors moved and I'm not sure why but they left a lot of stuff at their old house. Stuff that has made its way to me and my amazing hope chest (look it up if you don't know what that is). My step dad even found a water bed in the top part of their garage. Now, I would touch a water bed if I found it in a garage. There's probably a reason it's in the garage to begin with. That hardly phases my step dad. Of coarse he's got all these plans for it before even testing to see if it can even hold water. The plan is to give it to Nick, to help his back. Although I really don't think it'll help any. He's game though, and he's a big boy so I'll let him do what he wants. I have a water bed so I know what it takes to care for one.

Dad and Judy let their cats in the house because it's getting so cold. They're not like my outside cats which have grown thick fur coats and look like they're fatter. That's a good thing. It seems so long ago that I had all four kittens running around the back yard, laying on my lap, or just being shooed out of the flowers. Now Annabel is with Grey, who seems to have made up his mind about sticking around.

Greys not Smokie though... Smokies been here for a while. And I'll never let him leave again. :]

I'm so mad I could just burn the neighbors house down!

Actually I'm not that mad. I am pretty upset and frustrated though. I'm trying to get my FASFA sorted out so I have money to go to college in the winter, but I can't figure out how to work the site. Great, which means I have to go to the office for the FOURTH time and argue with them until they actually do their job and help me. More great news is that I may be out of a job soon. The business I clean for is playing around with the idea that they may hire a professional company to come clean for them. Ya know, people who get on their hands and knees to scrub the floors and strip and wax them once a month. I don't know how they plan on paying them, considering they're already in debt and just opened a new building for the lawyers (so at least they won't leave evidence of their drunken parties around the DOCTORS office. Yuck).

I turned in two job applications tomorrow and once I can find time I will escape to my dads house to use his Internet to apply for jobs. Which means I have to work on my resume to; I wanted to do so today but I forgot my flash drive at home. Seems money will have to be saved until I know that I have a steady income. Or until I know my goddamn FASFA went through finally. That way I'll get checks from the school.

CPS called us the other day (Child Protection Services) and they said that we may have to adopt the four grand kids because Jr. and Robyn could be facing jail time for their inability to care for their young. Jr. is ready and willing to give up his children (probably discovered that no woman would date a man with four kids unless her name was Ashley). Jr.'s at least supposedly getting job interviews, where as Robyn is covered in tattoos that she herself made so she looks like a tramp and wears clothes that says she is. She only wanted to apply at bars, so she went down Midland street. But she hasn't heard anything yet. Huh, not even the bars want her. AND she took my damn flip-flops! I said she could wear them around MY house not take them to her cousins house (where they're living in the basement that floods). Well guess where they are? And I'd better get them back or hell will fly!

Alaina got outside yesterday and when she finally decided to come back in she started acting all weird like and she still was this morning; and she even tried to get back outside when I went to leave. Guess I'll have to keep a close eye on her from now on. I'd really hate for that to become her official home, like some select people want her to be. Ugh, so much stress. I just want to cry for a little bit. And beat some kids... at least I'm at delta where I can pick on people my own size. Well off to the office to discuss financial aide AGAIN!!

Don't miss out

Bring back my past hasn't been that difficult, in fact it's kind of a relief to have it back.

I'm stating again that I'm re-doing my closet room thing. I have some of my AOL cd's fastened to the wall and it's turning out really well. My packing skills surprise even myself as I managed to play tetris with my boxes and goodies in my smaller closet. I still have a ways to go; good news is that I've decided where the t.v. will go and that I might just bring home my PS2 from my dads house to hook up. That said, I still need another job. I tried to apply at Halloween Spirit, or Spirit Halloween but they want a resume and that's something that I haven't produced yet. Other than that, there's still the Double Tree Hotel as an option, and I'll be going around to get more apps. soon.

Since I seem to have an issue finding steady work (baby sitting isn't steady work) I've been helping my mom clean the house more than usual. The poor woman was crying telling me how she was basically tired of her life. She brought up that breast cancer comes back every five years (so it's known), and I think she's hoping it does, so she doesn't have to deal with anything anymore, but at the same time doesn't want to because she has her own children's futures to look forward to. R.J., and my children, Cody and Logan graduating high school and Nick finally getting through college (will he ever!?).

Which made me wonder what happened if my mom did, you know. For the past few weeks she's been telling me that when she dies we can sell her stuff, she won't care. A giant yard sale. But it's more deeper than just that. What about her husband? He doesn't own the house we live in, he can't afford it, and neither can Nick. What would happen? Where would I go? I would stay there for as long as I could. Seeing as I don't get kicked out and we can still live there. I can't afford an apartment and my dads house is too small and my rooms not even done yet. Nick could move in with Matt if his apartment was still vacant. Hm. Well, Alaina and I would be fucked. Not like she isn't fucked already, with everyone threatening to kick her out and even kill her. All the cats are in trouble, mostly with my mom's husband. Whom is being an ass to me (he must be reminiscing how he used to treat me with how he treats his grand kids living with us). Sam had the nerve to try and send me a friend request again. Last year I left him in the past permanently and the only reason he wants back is because it's football season and he knows he'll see me. Let it be awkward, it won't be the first time.

:]

Cuz' you're my Lady

So, today was the day that my father and I took my car into an auto shop to have it inspected for free (that was the special offer for students). And they had my car on the lift for maybe ten minutes when they came to get us. The mechanic guy came up and started shaking my cars front passenger side tire quite vigorously. Which isn't normal (keep in mind my car is about eight feet in the air). He said that that is extremely dangerous and is the cause of all my problems (basically). The cars tire bearings are so bad that he warned me to drive carefully home so that my tire doesn't come completely off while driving! On top of that my dad is a horrible backseat driver. I was almost cussing at him to shut the hell up. We made an appointment for Monday to fix it (which means it'll hopefully be quieter now, yay!) Although it did set me back just over another 300 dollars...the cars in great shape and that's how much I bought it for AND it gets about 32 miles to the gallon. So I think she'll pay for herself over time.

After going through my stuff at my dads, I remembered that I had hundreds of AOL cd's that I collected when they were free at stores (remember the FREE TAKE ONE! signs? I took major advantage of that). Well I'm going to take a box of them to my Mom's and put them on my wall in the second part of my bedroom. So I get to go to an arts and crafts store to get putty or something to secure them to the wall so that I don't damage the wall too much. It's gonna be freakin' awesome!

One bad thing about my car being basically on bed rest til Monday afternoon is that I'll have trouble getting to Taylor's today and this weekend. I guess he'll have to bike over or I'll have to walk over, which will take forever. Seems there's a lot of weird stuff going on there too. Just miscommunication. I think it could be solved if he calls me more often. Instead of whoever he's been calling so much.

There will be Pokemon

The stars don't shine quite as bright as they used to...

Today I'm at my Dads house, and I'm staying here for a few days. Robyn is back and living at my Moms house with the rest of the party. It's pretty hectic and she even had a new tattoo to show off, yay for her. Jr. announced that he was inlove with his wife again (because Ashley went back to dating Ed). And he finally discovered that Ashley was literally a prostitute. Doing her job in places like gas station bathrooms and even porter potties... guess I really should have hooked her and John up. He'd owe me a lot.

Yesterday I got in trouble with Taylors parents (nothing new there, right?) We were watching a movie and the time kinda ran over the curfew I'm allowed to be over and his dad got home and threw a fit or something. So now I'm not allowed to stay past 10 p.m. which really cuts our time short, and if I'm there past 10, then it gets cut to 9 p.m. I don't see what the big deal is. I drive myself around (even FOR them) and it's not like we were having sex, like we might as well have been doing since we got accused of doing so anyways. That's right, still not having sex at all. Why can't others keep their legs together? I don't know.

While I'm at my Dads, I've taken the liberty to go through all my childhood goodies. I've given tons to Goodwill, tons have been thrown away, and my car is stuffed with crap that I have to further go through and take home to my moms. I still have things I have to go through downstairs and take to Aprils house since some of it is hers. I power washed my doll house and it's sitting in the drive-way drying off. That'll have to stay here until I have my own house and a place to store it; don't really have a daughter to play with it right now anyways. Got rid of lots of stuff and the basements looking better. Now what to do with the boxes in my car...

New Shoes

Yep, I did it. I finally bought new shoes. My slip ons were really starting to be rough on my feet so I said enough's enough. And I do love my new shoes, they're exactly my style. Basically they're white sneakers with random things drawn on them. From skulls to rainbows; oh and sequins too. Makes it all better.

So the other day one of my kittens was hit by a car outside my house. So my only other kitten, Annabel, is all alone in the backyard. When Grey Kitty came to visit yesterday, Annabel practically tackled him she was so happy so see another feline. I feel so bad for her...I don't know how she's going to make it through the winter now. Looks like she just may be the fourth cat in our house. Crazy.

Both Chris Jr. and Ashley deleted me off their myspace. Ha ha. Totally their fault. Jr. was trying to convince us that he and Ashley were 'just friends', then I piped up and said "then why did you say you loved her on her myspace?" BUSTED!! His life is falling apart, he's finally realizing what its like to be an actual parent. Yeah, not easy, huh? Or cheap. I let him borrow 20 bucks so he could go out and see the demolition derby and he said he would pay me back. So the next day, when I needed gas money, I demanded it from him and he was like "20? Nick has your other 10." I threw a fit, I let him borrow TWENTY not ten. Needless to say, I got my twenty and he tried to guilt trip me by saying that he got it from his grandma and that it was all he had. Too bad. He knew he'd have to pay me back. Get a job like the rest of us have to.

Which I'm looking for another job. Something in the city so I don't have to go back to camp and be away from everyone for weeks at a time. All the while not getting paid NEARLY enough as I should. Fuck. Also, my middle break light is out (since I have a wagon) so I really hope I don't get pulled over. It won't be a big deal if I do, because I've never been pulled over before, so I can't get a ticket for it. Well, here's the update. I gotta go back and spend time with my little Annabel so she doesn't decided to kill her self or run away...

A break from the usual with Aunt Taylor....

Today I'm sitting here with Taylor baby sitting my nephew, R.J. My sister has her plasma screen on the wall and it also acts as a computer screen. So sci fi... But yeah, R.J. is moi moi much better behaved than the other four nephews and neices now living at my Moms house...that's right. They've officially moved in with us. Thanks to that cheap whore Ashley. Robyn, my sister in law, tried to kill herself all because Ashley was being herself again and was successfully tearing their family apart because she wanted my step brother Chris Jr. and since he's a man-whore (perfect I know, right?) he's all over leaving the woman who bore him four kids for Ash, whom has boobs now (who'da thought?), and likes to show them off (cuz she has nothing else worthy of showing off). Did I meantion she was living out of her car for a looooong time? And that she had her own apartment lined up for her AND a job but she quit her job and left to go live with Jr. and Robyn and their FOUR KIDS in Lapeer? Ya know, to continue her mini skirt parade? And that she had the nerve to ask me for help to get her life on track, but then did exactly what I told her NOT to??? High school all over again!

She was also pregnant (supposedly) and lost it over night after going to the hospital. She left a voicemail on my phone but she didn't sound unhappy about it. I called her back and she sounded just fine saying "just because I only had it for a month doesn't make it any easier". Then she had to pump gas and said she'd call back. She never did. That's okay. While living with my step brother, Ashley kept emailing her ex boyfriend (who broke up with her because he wanted to constantly have threesomes with his ex gf) and said that she was sorry for losing his baby (even though she told me that Craig had gotten her pregnant) and that she was going to go back to him soon so they could start their small family again. DRAMA!

Ash, also said that she hopes Robyn kills herself so it would be easier for her (Ashley) to gain custody of the four grandkids. Why the HELL would she ever gain custody!? She's not even family! She can't even take care of herself let alone ANY other living creature! We're talking about a girl who purposely choked on a peppermint to get a boys attention. Well now Robyn's at the funny farm because she did try to kill herself because Ash was successfully tearing her family apart. So now, Jr.s living with us officially and his kids are lil demon spawns from HELL. To put it nicely. They don't know any manners. It's going to take a lot of work to fix the damage that has been done. IRONICALLY, the two oldest are going to a young 5's program and Ashley's mom is their teacher. What a small world we all are involved with...

More to come later. R.J. has awakened and it's time for lunch. So I spend the day with my fave nephew who actually can be called the golden child. It's nice to see a child actually being raised properly.

Retro, baby, tis the season

I actually wanted the first week back from camp to be a relaxing one, but its actually turning out to be a busy one. I went shopping yesterday, tonight I'm going to the movies, tomorrow I'm getting my new phone (hopefully), and Wednesday I'm carpooling up to band camp. Thursday I plan on going through my stuff at my Dads house; deciding what will stay and what will go. Busy busy.

I'm totally re-vamping my room. I've noticed my style has changed to something that's not quite punk but not quite retro. It's fun to wear and you don't get stereotyped as much...and I got whistled at today. Yeah, baby! And I'm boarder line obsessed with anything styled like a cassette tape, not to mention my purse attracts attention where ever I go. I spent about ten minutes in Claires yesterday talking about it with the cashier ladies. Needless to say I bought new ear rings. Almost bought new shoes but if I'm uncertain then I know I'm not ready for new ones (even though my feet are).

Rocky is officially gone. I'm pretty sure the neighbors have him. The ones that moved last week were the ones that always took them. And Seniors being anal about Alaina starting to spray, and my mom says that if Queenie does it again then she is going to the pound. Now, I don't mind getting rid of Queenie (though she is being nice to me) but why do we have to take her to the pound? Animals DIE there people! It's kinda unfair that we get rid of Alaina on a whim when Queenies been spraying for over a year now. At least Alaina uses the litter box and is friendly with kids, also she likes everyone. It'll only be a matter of time before Buddah is threatened to. I knew there was a reason I liked male cats better...wait, they're the ones who are supposed to be spraying, not the females. Oh what a screwed up world we all live in.

I had an odd dream last night, so well thought out...locker number 844...gotta remember to stay away from that one...

Cat eyes through the screen

I'm not sure how to start a blog post when it's been so long since I've written. I've kept my writings up to date on my computer at home. Alas, that doesn't have Internet. On June 30th, I took my infamous drivers test and passed with flying colors. The good kind. A few days later I had everything I needed to get my beautiful car on the road and together we have been kickin' ass and takin' names. The Fourth of July fireworks were amazing; the finale this year was by far the best. They had five launch sites all setting off at the same time. And the very last firework was huge and set off car alarms with its tremendous boom. I stayed out late every night and even set up Bastian a blind date with another gay guy while John and I exchanged a conversation through glances that said "hmm..." and "...wow". I think it was the first time ever that Bastian had been at someone elses house til 3a.m.

I went "camping" with Bastian and Molly in the U.P., which was a lot of fun. Although, Bastian was starting to get annoying, so I'll need a little time away from him (especially since we had seen each other nearly everyday of the week before hand, and while re-teaching me how to drive). My kittens are beautiful! They are all so adorable and major people cats. They love being outside and actually listen when we tell them something...most of the time. After all, they're still children. Taylor and I are doing amazing. We spend a ton of time together and I'm getting more comfortable going to his house and having dinner with his family. And get this, Taylor was actually allowed to come to Oasis lake with us this year! That was a blast. I actually went swimming with the fish! Although it was scary at first, the fish circle you like they're waiting for your sweet flesh...blarg, I don't want to think about it.

I got a second job as a camp counselor. It's a great job with great pay. Definitely worth being locked away in a camp with fifteen little girls pulling at your pant leg and complaining about mosquito bites for a week. A long week...At least now I'll have my car with me and I won't have to worry about my mom lecturing about gas, which is actually quite understandable. If I was on 'E' it'd only take 20 bucks to completely fill up, but for my mom, 40 barely does it. It's nice being able to leave when I want, I even have a house key now! Exciting stuff, let me tell you. Today I had to help scrap my bedroom windows so we can start painting. It was nice sitting out on the roof, with Alaina sitting next to me, occasionally pouncing on a bee (which there was a nest right next to me that I had to work around). It quickly got boring and I finished fast. Then I left to drive myself to Delta and write this blog. Ta Da. Also to use Map Quest, but I think I'll wait til I get to Taylor's today (hopefully) and print if off there so we can drive up and make sure I know my way.

So, my life has changed for the better. I might even get a fall and winter job working at a day care part time. I guess it really is about who you know, huh?

Wow, it's been a long time. Although I must confess that not much of anything has changed. I'm on vacation from Delta til' fall, Shaly moved to Tenn., I may have a job working up north all summer while Taylor works his all summer job down here. I still don't have my licence but am going to start practicing driving with my friend Kyle. And how well I do tomorrow will depict how soon I take the actual test, get my licence, get insurance and plates, and hit the road! Which I seriously can't wait for. The last couple of days I've needed to get stuff and have had to either walk the distance, or suffer without it. And now my Mom admits that she is refusing to help me. Some parental she is. She tells me to have my dad help then gets mad when he actually does help, then Senior gets mad that I didn't have to depend on him. Oh yeah, my dad got me a new bike for my birthday present (my birthday was in January). Ah well, better late than never. We're also working on my bedroom this week while I'm here. We parked my car out in the drive-way so I can thoroughly clean it tomorrow after and before driving with Kyle. My car is in serious need of a cleaning. My dad and Judy kicked both cats outside and they've been walking all over my car. It seriously looks like a herd of cats had a stampede and my car was the poor victim. Don't worry, I talked sweet to her and promised to clean her up.

You'll shit bricks. LOL!

And he finally saw why she didn't cry infront of others

I don't understand. And I don't think I ever will. I walk out the door and it closes behind me. I try to open a window, and it's locked. I try to start a fire, but it's too windy. The carpets dirty, the counters crowded, and the doll house is thrown out the window. My favorite memory. My favorite blood streaked shirt. The loudest music, the brightest night, and the hottest day. The thickest air, and the least...pain. What about the men? The daughters? His love. Her sons. What if I...What if he...? Could I? Would he? Should I? No. No! Forgive him? Forgive me? What's to be forgiven?

I must admit she scared me when she took my hand. I didn't know what to expect, if there were any expectations to have. We ran. Ran and ran. She'd laugh and I'd worry about being scolded. I didn't know who she was, but her eyes were so dark and deep, I couldn't help but stare. Never stopped laughing, ever. Soon I was running past her, still holding her hand. She stopped to catch her breath, and I let go of her hand and kept running. Faster and faster.

Years passed. The crack of a show gun. SNAP! I shot up like the bullet that never left the gun. Blur of brown and gold; blur of purple and gold. Don't be scared, just run. Like he's waiting at the end. Finally the finish line. I turn around; I was first I did a dance and the few in the stands cheered and my father went wild. My coach slapped my back and encouraged me to use the spikes next time. Oh I was fast; I never grew tired. I ran and ran. Recess, the hallway, the yard. I'd jog for fun or walk for miles with just my cassette player. Maybe bring home a stray kitten, as I had done twice already. Neglect my flute to swim, to run, to play. Physical challenges were welcomed and friends always came second to my own demands. I was never weak. It was fun to beat up the boys; I didn't have time to be feminine. I was proud to wear that jersey, and was one of the few who weren't ashamed to be called a banana by other schools. Pinky swore with Ashley we'd continue into High school and break those records I came so close to breaking. This was my life. It was in my blood. My mom was a long distance runner and my dad was a sprinter, as I was then. I was known in the Track universe. When Freshmen year arrived and I hadn't shown up for the first day of Track practice, Coach Willy actually e-mailed April asking why he hadn't seen me there.

Where was I? What had happened to Melissa the Great? She died. She was gone. Freshman year I was that bubbly teenager; wearing pink and laughing a little too loud. Falling in love for the first time, and neglecting priorities. How many times did I cry at band camp? Too many. How many times did I get jealous? Too many. I developed fears and lost friends. Eight grade was gone. I couldn't remember the scent of the hot track, and marched with the band in the middle of its circle, instead of running endless laps around it. I saw the track runners passing my Auburn house; sometimes I'd join them. I didn't know if I would get in trouble for joining them. At competitions, it could end up being freshmen vs. senior. The age difference was scary, I could be smoked, and my self esteem and reputation crushed. So I disappeared in the background. I never talked to the coach's (until I had him for newspaper), and I never truly ran again. Sophomore and Junior year I went a few times around Auburn in the winter, with the winter track team. The best part of this team was that there was no competitions, so I could run and train without worries. The bad part was that it was cold, and the air was so thin, I couldn't breathe. My chest would heave with pain and that was the last time I ran in the winter. Once a year. I wasn't a runner anymore. I cried at the loss. There were now others better than me. So far ahead of me, there was no way I could ever be better than them now.

I had vowed to make my senior year of high school my best year ever. Chanielle and I had planned on going out for student counsel just so we could say we did. Then we were going to try out for volley ball and other sports, just to see if we could actually make it. We had planned to be BFF's. Then Chanielle got pregnant, dropped out of school, got her GED, and started college early. She had completed her first semester of college before I had even graduated high school. She moved and my senior year went down the tube. It seemed that I was in love with three guys at once. One who knew it, one who didn't, and one who didn't want to know. I broke up with Sam, dated Matt and hoped that that was the end of it. Nope. I didn't fall in love with Matt, then contemplated going back to Sam, when I was about to go through with that plan, suddenly it didn't feel right, so I led him on thinking I'd be able to figure it out in time. So of coarse I was the big bad wolf breaking his heart or whatever the fuck. It took me all year to figure out who I actually loved. Why it didn't feel right with the other two. And now, as it seems I'm writing a part of my auto-biography, eleven months after I finally rid of the people I wanted to, and being with the ones I want with me, my family says I have a glow and am more happier than I've been in a long while. It's true. I am happier. I have a guy who I love who loves me back and we want to spend our futures together. Unconditionally and irrevocably.

And now, as our love and relationship grows stronger and further, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Do what I think is right, or do what I have to in order to keep him. Is that love? What will he have to do if I can't keep his hormones in line? Why can't I ever get aroused like he does. Why haven't I EVER been that aroused? Sure I can reach that point but when it comes to actually doing something, I'd never actually do it. The first surge of pain and the entire arousal disappears and leaves for a VERY long time...it's still gone.

Now Taylor tears himself apart and judges too quickly. He's scaring me and I don't know what to do anymore. Well, I know what to do, but I'm not going to. This will take some thought. I refuse to break down in his arms. I am stronger than that. If he won't be my hero, I'll just have to save myself.

Thank you for making me feel worse about myself.

Our eyes will adjust, thank God for the Moon...

Sometimes I think my step dad does things because I'm secretly his favorite child....then again probably not. Sometimes I think he does things to spite my ex's, with hopes of getting on my good side. It worked, kinda. He told us what he wanted to do and both my mother and I looked at him with raised eye brows and a stunned silence. My mother was first to speak, "And how do you plan on feeding them all?", then there was me, "What are we going to do with TEN CATS!?".

My step dad wants to keep all the kittens. He brought up the topic, and made his final decision when Matt came over and asked if he could have one when they were ripe and ready. I was happy to hear that he didn't want Alaina anymore, but was stunned when Sr. flat out told him no, we're keeping them all. He even wants to build like a cat-door on the barn so they can get in and out and even have their own area to keep warm in the winter. I like the idea, but the thought concerns me. We had to get rid of all my old outdoor cats, how will this affect everything? Maybe he just wants an army to help keep the ground hogs at bay. Wouldn't doubt it. Can't wait until we have the joy of naming them...

The crazy lady next door, whom was always chasing Prego off her front porch came over the other day and said that the mama kitty isn't taking care of her kittens, because her tits are too small. I wasn't home but mom said that Senior basically told her to mind her own business. Just to make sure, Mom sent Logan in the kitten compartment to make sure they were okay. He said yes, Prego was in there feeding and taking care of them, and they were starting to move around. I've only had one Mama kitty that ever really had actual like milk sacks for tits. And that was Simba a loooong time ago. Like fourth grade. Ever since, there had been Bootsie, Casper, and Victor, who all had flat chests and still had healthy kittens. I hate when nosey people who don't know what they're talking about open their mouths.

It can't be helped.

tut tut looks like rain

Today was kinda windy. And I really wished it wasn't windy. Especially when I had to walk to the metro station. My step dad was up on the roof working on the house (I called up to him and said bye and he didn't respond until I was nearly a block away yelling asking if I needed a ride to the station, I said no. Really I wanted a ride to Delta) and I had to put my hood up it was so cold. At least for me, which I'm sure you're learning I can't handle the cold. I arrived at the station earlier than planned and sat there waiting for the buses. I sat next to some African Americans whom I'm guessing were friends by the way they were talking. After about ten minutes they stood up and walked in front of me (they were women mind you) and started to head out when the one lady started preaching to everyone. I made the unfortunate decision to watch her, and in which case, accidentally made eye contact.

She made her way over to me and said not to look down, but to look up to God. I watched her, glancing over at a girl that was about my age, across the room. She went on and on about how God saved her from the devil. She used to be in a wheel chair and now she was up and walking, she danced in the isle at her church even. Always dancing for God. She said, "I'm sure you have plans for your future, what you want to do. But you don't need to tell me, that between you and God only." She gestured around to everyone inside and outside waiting for their buses. "You do what you need to do. Don't look at these other people, they just people. They nobody. You do what you need to do, don't let nothing stop you." She started to walk away but came back. "You wake up in the mornin' I'm sure you have stuff on your mind, you do it, you don't mind nobody else but you. It between you and God, not them." She finally walked away and I left to wait for my bus and I thought about what she said. I simply had to smile and nod my head. Mostly because what she said made sense. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, it matters what I think. What I want to do with my life. No one's going to do it for me, and they don't have to, because I can do it for myself. It doesn't matter that I don't have a drivers license, I still find a way to school. I'm not the only one in Michigan without a job. I'm going to do what I have to do. I'm going to do what makes me happy.

"How can one such as thee, with a name like asyluM, ever find happiness?"

I'm so freakin' happy I got my computer working right yesterday. I called, and spent, nearly two hours on the phone with Chris Jr., but we figured it out. I played Sims for a while, then took a shower and went to bed after eating lots of chocolate.

Today, I awoke knowing that I would have to take the metro to school. Different day same story. I walked down to the metro station, trying to move quickly seeing as the Prego was following me down the sidewalk. I looked back and I think she gave up after the neighbors house. I didn't have any food to give her. If I could drive I would stop by the store and get some when I got out of school. But it's not going yet and I'm going to have to call my dad for a ride home. And spend as much time as I can reading my Fredrick Douglass biography then type up my letter thing at home. I've got to finish my chronology and type that up today to, not to mention start studying for my THIRD final exam for History. This lady is going to be the death of me I just know it.

I had twins on Sims by the way. A boy and a girl. Yay! Nothing exciting going on yet. I'm thinking about spending some money and getting something to eat since I didn't make a sandwich this morning since the meat wasn't de-thawed. Sheesh. And now I can't take a spring semester either. Guess I'll be free until next fall, or until I get a job. Which I am turning in an application for the gas station on Tuscola. I don't know where that is but my Busia brought it for me, so who's complaining? Gah, I'm hungry and thirsty, so it's time to go. Maybe I'll write more later, but probably not. I'll be super busy, and I'll have it done just in case Taylor can come over today. If not, then Sims has my name written all ovah it! I would like to see him though. Truth.

God love her

Nothings wrong really. So don't concern yourself with it. There's nothing you could do about it anyways. I originally started this blog so I had a spot to write my true thoughts. But then every time I wrote something, someone would be offended and bitch about it. Even when I've reminded you all twice before that I write what I want and for you all to read at your own risk. I've changed my yearning to do this for a while now. But guess what? I'm coming back, bitches. That's right, I'm going back to writing what I want. Thank you.

I've figured it out, and I'm so proud of myself...Nick's always upset before and after he comes back from Matt's, why? Because of me. Matt still loves me, and that upsets Nick. Why? Because the more Matt loves me the more he hurts Kristina, and why does that effect Nick? Because he a sensitive person and doesn't like to see her hurt. Why? Because he has feelings for Kristina. He's mad at Matt for hurting her, mad at me for causing that pain, and, for some reason, always goes back to Matt's even though he's pissed at him. And every time Matt and Kristina go somewhere, Nick has to go to. Nick had said before that Matt had a met a girl and was CRAZY to have denied her. Well well well... way to go, Nick. That's going to be a mess when you come out with your feelings. Back to square one.

Every week the 24th looms closer and closer. It was always something that I've looked forward to, especially lately. But this morning the thought of Taylor and I finally being together like that made me twist in my seat and become uncomfortable. Why? Probably because of our argument last night that went more than two ways. One that I "tease" him all the time by wearing sweat pants. Never mind the fact that I didn't wear them for him, I wore them because it was my laundry day. I was also wearing a shirt I never wear under my vest. I get the feeling Taylor hates the fact that I wear clothing that will keep me warm. He does go to Western where I'm sure girls are wearing their mini skirts and short shorts. Track season is here after all. I'm not going to wear anything that puts my health at risk. Another way it went was that he just wanted to lay down but I paid too much attention to my new computer. Ya know, that he was helping me set up. Hell yeah, I was distracted by my computer. I don't normally get luxuries like that. Then Bre came over, like I knew that was going to happen. They come over a lot ever since Madison was born. Bre prevented us from being able to be alone and have us time. I like that time as much as the next person, but I didn't realize we had to have it all the time.

Well, time to go home and finish setting up my desk and computer. (more to come about this later)...

It's a mid day Monday afternoon

I was once again pissed at Nick last night and we even had a little spit through texting. He said that he was coughing too much and too tired so that effected how he was going to drive today so I would have to take the metro. I responded with the fact that he's been coughing for months and I don't see how that would effect his driving. He was pissed at me last week because I said I didn't consider him a role model because he's so undependable. If he wasn't up until X in the morning maybe he wouldn't be so tired. I go to bed around nine and sometimes a little later if I have something that needs to get done. But I'm always up by nine thirty and I'm okay once I have my cup of coffee. It's just life. He said I need to be more independent. Wow. I wish I could be. Now it seems like I should have no problem getting a full time job this summer since Taylor did. Maybe I could squeeze more classes in this summer. Probably not. Maybe I'll go camping a lot with friends this summer. Perhaps there's camping somewhere near Caseville?

My step dad got on my case about my car this morning. Not in a bad way; just in a why-haven't-you-told-me kinda way. He ended up driving me to school today probably so he could get away from the grandkids. This morning CK was running in the keeping room where Megan, Lily and I were. And somehow CK accidentally hit Megan in the head with the toy he was carrying. Megan ran to JR. (her father) and he ignored her and said that it was probably her fault anyways. I yelled in to the other room, "No, Jr., CK hit her in the head with a toy on accident." But he didn't do anything after that. No wonder Megan's growing up with the attitude she has. Every time they have a kid, they ignore the other ones.

Jr.s giving a fully loaded computer with a plasma screen and everything. He said its perfect for what I need it for (writing and school work, what else is there to do on a computer without Internet?) I was going to give him my old computer but suddenly Nick was like "I'm pissed about that too, that's MY computer, not yours. If you don't want it anymore you give it to me." I pointed out that in the beginning of the semester he said to just throw it away when Senior wasn't looking so he didn't store it in his garage. Nick said he never knew that and he had friends that could fix it for free and he wanted it. Screw him, what an asshole. What's he going to do with a windows 95? There's nothing you can do with it anymore. It's DEAD! I've been writing on it since middle school. It finally croaked when we hit Wheeler Road. The programs are gone, missing, or incomplete in some way, shape, or form. There's something in it eating everything, even though a virus is basically impossible since it was never connected to the Internet. It doesn't have a USB drive and can't even play music anymore. He said he has games on it, but I know every corner of that computer, and there's not even solitaire. You can find where it was, but if you click on it, it won't play saying something was missing.

Don't listen to me though, the one who has lived off it for years now. Hopefully, I can put it to rest and this new computer will be all I hear it is.

one and one make two; two and one make three

Today, while I was at my dads house (and I still currently am) I sat by Nick on the couch. When I say by him, I mean on the same piece of furniture, but as far away from his as possible. After a few minutes, he did these weird hand gestures so I looked at him. He said he was sorry for blowing up at me the other night and sending me that harsh text message. I asked what had gone on and he said that it was entirely Matt's fault for being the way he is. I wanted to know more, but he didn't say much. Here's the story that I got: About six months after we broke up, Matt met a girl on some yahoo dating website. Christina. They met and started to hit it off pretty well. Suddenly Matt started to distance himself from Christina. And said that he wanted to be friends but not date-date her. She was really upset but still hung around as a friend. But whenever Matt would hang out with her, he was affectionate, but when she would ask him about it he would say he wasn't interested in her like that. Furthermore hurting her. Last Thursday (when I had texted Nick), Matt, Nick, and Christina were hanging out at Matt's place when somehow the topic of me came up. And suddenly I was the reason Matt had told Christina he wasn't interested, because he was still in love with me and if he couldn't have me he didn't want anyone else.

Christina asked Matt when he would finally be over me, and he said probably never. Nick described Christina as "crushed" and I guess she left crying. Nick said that lately I had been coming up a lot in conversation and Christina said she felt as if she would never be good enough because she wasn't me. Now, as charmed as I was to hear it, I know how Matt is and I realized that I was wrong about him being over me several months ago (like I had thought). I just want him to be a friend again, and I want him to realized that it would have never worked out. He had his life planned out already and although he did plan a lot of it around me, he didn't actually consider what I wanted. I want to be able to get married (not be a step parent) and buy a house (Matt had just just bought a house with his ex girlfriend) and I wanted to live in Caseville (Matt lives in Auburn). And a kinda stupid but big reason (to me) was that I was upset that he had already had sex and I hadn't. I felt like I was being jipped because he had more experience than I did.

Here's what's important. The most important: I am with Taylor, and I love him more than words can describe. I want to marry him so we can buy our house in Caseville and have lots of kids (6). I just hope I don't lose him on that long bumpy road called High school...

They say cats have 9 lives; it's been 9 years

I was pretty bummed yesterday when Nick said he wasn't going to give me a ride to or from Delta. That means I had to resort to riding the Metro. Yes, which means I waited outside for a half an hour longer than I should have needed to. Oh well, at least it wasn't cold (that's what I tell myself). Once in my English class, my group of five people all depended on me and I literally had all five flash drives plugged into my computer and I had the pleasure of teaching them how to do some tricks on Word and how to use citationmachine.net to do their citations. It was pretty easy to teach them stuff but it was aggravating to be the only one with the organization skills needed to do everything. I brought my Hannah Montana wig to class so the only male member of my group can wear it for our presentation. Now, I have to figure out how to dress like a guy and hit on him - I mean - her.

So I sat at Delta until about 4:30 (my class got out at noon thirty) when I finally called my dad and he came to pick me up; even though he really didn't want to. I got home and senior was working on the house (it's very ironman-ish, futuristic like) and I turned the corner and saw this cat (see pic). I stopped in my tracks when I saw her, I'm very used to accidentally running into strays and them hissing and running away. But this one saw me, and literally ran up to me and started rubbing against me. I knelt down to pet her and she started rubbing against my face and licked my chin. She was extremely friendly and VERY pregnant. It won't be long until we have kittens running around. Now she has a little bed in the garage with food and water. Senior wanted to bring her in the house saying "I can't just leave her out here." I didn't know why not. She had obviously been outside for a while. She laid on my lap and I felt her tummy. I cringed when I felt her babies move (I think it's gross to feel an unborn child move). I sat outside with her until the sun went down. She just laid with me and purred and was happy. It was just like old times when I had outside cats and would aimlessly sit around outside with them until I had to go in. When I did go in, she sat by the door watching me. I turned my back on her and saw Alaina watching me. I let her smell me (the mama kitty had been shedding on me) and she didn't' hiss or anything like she normally does when she smelled a stray. She simply just continued looking at the door. I pet her once then left to go take a shower.

That night, I was bored so I texted Nick asking why Matthew never responded to my texts. There was about a 20 minute pause then Nick texted me saying, "I want to thank u for making my evening less than enjoyable now. You just can't let things go. He will answer when he FEELS like it. Until then leave me out of it and I mean it." Nick had told me he was done passing messages on to Matthew, so why had he passed on that message? Sheesh, if you're done than actually be done!

I was happy to see the mama kitty waiting for my mom and I outside this morning. Logan came out and started to pet her. She's such a good cat, and soon we'll have lil kittens. Huh, I think I said just last week that I wanted kittens. Hm.

One more time

Something amazing happened yesterday. Nick gave me the two dvds from Matt that he took from Prom, Celebration, MSSA, Graduation and lil from Schaulks wedding. It was great fun watching them with Cody and Logan on the PS2. If Taylor can make it over on Friday, we can watch them then. He might get upset at some of it though, seeing as at that point in time I was dating Matthew. I also got another CD with loads of pics on them. I can tell he made it a long time ago though, it says "luv u lots" on it.

My mom took the liberty of telling Senior that I bought a car. She told him "And if you get mad at her you have to get mad at your own family, because she bought it from your nephew Zack". He was like "Well I hope she knows that since she did this whole thing with her dad then I'm not touching it. He can fix it."

Thank GOD!!! THE BEST NEWS EVER!!

I now have the security of knowing he will never touch my car. And therefore, never say anything bad about it, or suggest changing anything on it. Why had the whole thing been brought up? Because he told my mom that he was thinking of buying the neighbors car for me. What ever happened to him wanting to give me the rust bucket gas hog blazer? To keep me safe? It's called he souped it up and wants it to himself now. Such a great father figure. At least I know now that my dad is helping me out best he can.

Easter is coming up. And for those of you who don't know, Easter is my favorite holiday. Now, I'm not entirely sure what goes on religiously, but I love the soft colors and egg hunts. Lots of great memories. I guess that's what sucks about being one of the youngest cousins. Hell, my cousins have had kids that are nearly Logan's age. All the traditions have died though. There's no more egg hunts or egg painting. Ah well, you only live once, so what's the point of tradition? Actually, when I have kids I'd like to do all those things. The egg hunts and such. Even my Dad still paints eggs. Of coarse he grew up in a family that never celebrated birthdays after age twelve. Kinda explains why we never do anything. I still haven't gotten anything for my birthday, but if he helps me with insurance on my car, I think I can find it in my cold empty heart to forgive him.

Grey lovers must love this time of year

So today was busy, but I successfully managed to get ahead of schedule. I finished my two page paper for English this morning, got to class and took furious notes, then my Dad picked me up and we went over to sec. of state and got my title transfered so that we can get insurance on my car. Soon it'll be all good. Also Judy said I could use her as a reference on job apps. so that's all I needed to turn in my Big Lots app. I'll see if Nick and I can do that tomorrow after we get out of school.

Speaking of tomorrow, after I get out of class (at four if I'm unlucky) Nick and I will go pay our cell bill and while I'm at the mall pick up a little somethin' somethin' with the gift card I got from my older sis. Pretty sure it's for JC penny or Sears, I can't remember which. Probably Penny's'. Nothing much going on other than that. Excited for my car and job opportunities popping up, and for the future nice weather, since its not in the present. Can you believe it snowed last night? Oh well, it's normal to have a snow storm before Easter. I wonder if it's too late to get my Easter village up. Mom said she didn't want it on the table in the living room, so I don't know where I'm going to put it. Nothing earth shaking, just tired of the cold weather and really wanting to wear my pj shorts with Thumper. Gosh I want to wear them!!! I miss my summer wardrobe...and state park. I want to go swimming to. Maybe me and some of my friends will have a hang out thing at delta. They have a nice open pool.

I guess SKY'S the limit...

I know it's late, and I know I probably should be in bed. That's just like, I probably should have done my homework instead of watch Spiderman for hours on end. I should have done my chores before I left, and I should have asked for an application while at Family Video. I should have finished my application for Big Lots, and I'm probably going to regret not doing many things on Monday. That's so human of me, isn't it? Always looking back on things and saying I should've done this or I should've done that (or shouldn't have). The highlight of my day was definitely getting scolded by an English major because I made up the word "bajillion". Then laughing at how she acted after I told her that English was my major also.

What else did I do...let's see here: I played GTA Vice City for a while today, played online black jack today, went out and bought batteries for my cars remote unlocker thing, and wasted lots of water spraying Judy's cats which never seem to learn either way. Towards the end of the day, Dad and Judy left to play "apples to apples" with family, while I hunkered down and (at 7:30pm) I got my blankets, snacks, soda, movies, and wiener dog, and nested in to watch Spiderman 1 and2. Since Taylor couldn't come over this weekend (totally understandable) Tobey Maguire kept me company with the sizzling Kirsten Dunst. When the movies ended and Dad and Judy went to bed, I was about to myself when I decided to write this blog. Don't you feel special?

Nick wasn't even here and he managed to piss me off. He texted me saying that he knew for a fact that he wasn't going to be able to give me a ride to Delta on Monday, because he was going to be out late. I said, "Whatever, tell Matt I said thanks". He asked what for. I said, "Oh, just being my Matty." Nick said I made no sense and that he wasn't playing messenger boy for us anymore, I said he never did and all he said was yep. I told him don't try to play victim. He acts as if Matt and I are still fighting when in reality, we haven't even spoken to each other in about ten months. I'm tired of his pissy attitude he gets before and after seeing Matt, as if the product of his visit was somehow my fault. Tell Matt to grow a pair and date some prissy. Seriously, how damaged can a guy be after not being able to be with a woman half his age? Hm...that's right, I'm a woman now aren't I...?

Barack Obama top ten campaign promises

From childparenting.about.com

No one knows whether it's nature or nurture that causes to boys and girls to behave differently. But researchers have discovered that parents can play a critical role in helping their children find healthy ways to cope with gender bias. Here's how:

What a Girl Needs

Self-Confidence: Encourage her often, using words that describe the characteristics that you want her to develop ("That was so brave of you to climb the steps all by yourself"). Let her know her that you have complete confidence in her, and that she's both bright and capable.

Self-Sufficiency: Make your little girl feel competent. Let her do whatever she can on her own--carry a cup of juice, brush her hair, or build a block tower without help from you or another adult. You can provide her with hints ("Here's a good way to make the blocks balance") or the necessary equipment (a stepstool to reach the sink), but let her accomplish tasks on her own.

Spacial Relationships and Coordination: Give her a variety of toys to play with, including trucks and cars, building blocks, water-play gear, a variety of balls, and playthings that she can ride or climb on.

Physical Fitness: Play active games with her, such as crawling, tag, wrestling, and horseplay. Even girls who are still too young for organized sports can benefit from the sense of adventure and excitement that comes from scaling the playground slide, running races, and turning a succession of somersaults.

Decision-Making Skills: Let her make choices, and urge her to take responsibility for the decisions that she makes. As a toddler, let her choose which cup or plate she wants to eat from and which friend she'd like to invite over for a play date.

Curiosity: Provide her with plenty of chances to explore her environment. When she's an infant or toddler, babyproof your home thoroughly so she can safely roam the house. Take trips out into the world--to the local library, the park, or the zoo.

Body Image: Don't focus on the importance of physical appearance. Talk to your daughter more often about what she can accomplish than how cute she is in her party dress.

I'm on a boat

His best nightmare

When it comes to insulation, the house is complete. But, a duh, it's my house so something has to go wrong. Every time they do their 'blow test' to test for leaks, there always appears to be a large leak somewhere...not that I didn't hear my step dad talking about purposely making leaks to keep the guys around longer and get free stuffs. I tried to remind him that it wasn't going to work, the city said they had to be done by the first (today) so they can start on the 2009 houses. Ah well, the new guys yesterday didn't take my room into consideration at all. They made a huge mess, left my window open, and threw my kodak pictures everywhere, now I need an all new bag for them too. I miss the other strange guys. *tear*

Speaking of my step dad, he said the neighbors car is for sale and showed interest in buying it for me. I just rolled my eyes and looked like I didn't care (cuz' I don't) and made a reminder to hurry and get my car going so there's no more awkward moments. I'll have to get on his case saying I don't want him to buy me a car because he'll use it as black mail and as a bribe (like he did with April). I'll have everything in order soon. I can feel it.

Silent treatment

So last night, at about 11pm, I was on the phone with my friend Nathan when he enlightened me on some gossip. Now, we all know I hate the damn stuff but I really couldn't help but do something about this one. Nathan told me that his friend Nicole (one of the girls that was at the pats parade with Sam and I) was breaking up with her boyfriend for Sam. AND that Sam told Jamie and his other little friends that he raped me and they're actually pissed about the whole ordeal. Calling him a jackass and such (that was at Western so I wasn't there for that lovely moment). Nathan already knew what had happened to me so it came as no surprise to him. Although he was wondering why Sam would so boldy tell girls he liked that he had done that to me. And he was still going to get Nicole after that feat.

And, duh, I was generally pissed about him exploiting my personal life to everyone. I would have been more pissed but I was asleep when Nathan had called (9:30pm). So I put Nathan on speaker phone and while I was talking to him I texted Sam calling him a hypocrite and saying thanks for telling everyone about our personal life. He replied rather fast and didn't know what I was talking about. I told him that he was a hypocrite for convincing Nicole to break up with her boyfriend for him when he had hated when I dumped him for Matt. Sam said he had no idea that that was even going on. And he even said that he never said anything to Jamie or any of them about my assault and had no idea on how they even found out. He asked where I heard it from and I told him Nathan. All he said was "I see". I asked him what he saw (getting ever so more pissed at him) and he said that Jamie must be running her mouth about shit that she doesn't know anything about and that he had no idea about Nicole. I replied with "Typical of sophomore girls". Always looking for drama. I kinda wish I did go to Western now, shit, I'm POPULAR! Fuck yeah!

I continued talking to Nathan well into the night; laughing at ourselves because even though we were on the phone with each other, we texted our conversation back and forth and laughed at our replies. After a while he started to spell alot of words wrong and I decided it was time to let him get to sleep.

Other than Sam being a jackass, Shannon telling everyone I'm engaged before I can even get to them, and Taylor testing me, life has been kinda normal...even though I've forgotten what normal is. Insulation is well on it's way and my room, kitchen, living room, keeping room, back hallway, bathroom, and guest room are all done. Ta da! And by now I really really hope the entire house is complete. My mom said that after they get their taxes (or something) they'll have enough money to get siding and maybe, cross our fingers, a new front porch. Yippee! I'm not too excited about the front porch ordeal, my mom wants it all wood with wooden pillars and such. Very country like. I have a feeling they're trying to bring back our Auburn house, which was very country-ish. At least this is proof we won't be moving any time soon. Hopefully I'll be the next to move (unless Nick gets his act together). Taylor and I plan on moving to Caseville as soon as he graduates. And getting married whenever the financial situation is right. My mom hates that. She wants us to be graduated from college with full time jobs before we even think about marriage and kids. I think the one thing that Taylor and I really have in common is that we can't even get that far in our current situations. We need each other and the freedom of being independent and away from our families.

I'm starting to feel unwelcome in my own home...

I can almost see it,

That dream I'm dreamin,

but theres a voice inside my head sayin

"You'll never reach it."

Hear ye, hear ye! I got an e-mail from Meijer and they're interested in hiring me as a cashier. Woo Hoo! They said they're doing a background check and they'll get back to me about an interview. Hey, that's great news. A part time job is 15 hours a week; and that's not bad. I can use my employee discount to buy all the stuffs I need. I'm also going to see if I can get a job at the coke cola company. Haha, you're thinking. But I'd be a great dedicated employee. *proud proud*

I'm super excited about getting my car going. We're just waiting on insurance to call me back and we'll discuss that big fun mess. Once the weather decides to stay warm, I'll be cleaning out my car. Washing, etc. I love my car, it's got a nice sound system too. Gas prices are going up and that had Nick concerned this morning, but I'm sure all will be well. Nathan didn't believe me yesterday when I texted him saying it was snowing at my house. But yes, white fluffy stuff had been falling past my kitchen window for several hours after (and before) I got home from school. Insulation though, not snow. The guys actually decided to work on the house. Senior must have been selling me to them again. I walked up the drive-way and all of them looked at me and Senior said "Hey, how was school?" I made it a point to just keep walking and say fine. "How'd class go?" ...Fine. "How's your book coming along?" ...Fine! Seriously?! Really!? They laughed as I went in the house. I hate when he tries to be that supportive figure I need. Fake, yuck.

A Christian Cat

I'm sure Queenie is just as sick of religion as I am. According to the Christian religion (and a prime reason why I became an atheist), animals don't have souls. So why doesn't my mother allow her to have her daily bologna on Friday mornings? Why can't I eat meat on my beloved Fridays? I was sitting in the Great Wall with Kyle and Chelsea today when I noticed Kyle eating meat. I made a point to mention it and, first of all found out he's Lutheran, second of all learned from Chelsea that Christians CAN eat meat on Fridays, just not good Friday. Whatever the hell that is. My mom made her point yesterday when she clearly told me I was going against everything I was taught. Of coarse she doesn't scold my older sister at all when April refused to baptise her baby boy, saying that religion is a cult bent on pinching the spare change out of hard working Americans such as herself. A fair argument. But I wear black.

Which leads me to this: why is it that since I wear black I'm the anti-Christ? Why can't I just love the color? Its freakin' winter time, idiots! You wear dark colors to keep warm. Especially me, whom has issues with creating body heat. I wore all light colors the other day and my mom actually had me stop and let her study me in the living room. She was so proud and happy I was wearing color. Why does that little detail make her happy? I dunno, maybe she would be more content with me expressing my unhappiness with drugs?

My unhappiness: what spawns it? Who knows. That didn't even have a question mark behind it. I know who knows it. I do. And my parents are completely oblivious to the fact that I can't drive and that small fact is KILLING me! They complain I don't have a job (even though they're not the ones suffering from it) and that I'm not more independant. I have no reason to be independant. They don't give me a reason. My Mom won't even let me practice driving. Then she plays her favorite card: "If you want this so bad go with your Father." BUT when I do get my dad motivated and he DOES help me out, she gets all pissy and says that I'll have to be the one to deal with my step father. WHY?!?! It's my life, my money, my car! And my step dad doesn't have any power over me since I turned 18. He was never a legal gardian and he doesn't even own the house we live in. The only reason I'll have to "deal" with him is because he wants me to drive his dumbass rust bucket gas hog blazer. And when he founds out that I bought his LEAST favorite car (Saturn) he'll flip and try to bring me down on my decision. Then I'll tell him I bought it from a Larkin cousin (his nephew) and then Zach's head will be on the stake come Christmas time next year. Which is also when Zach is bringing me my spare key that he finally found.

I plan on taking my drivers test before July. Kyle is going to let me practice with him since he took the test and basically remembers every detail of it. So he'll let me drive him around and he'll prep me for the test. I think I'll do fine either way, but I really appreciate the help I can get. It won't be long until I can get my car legal and on the road! Then I can just park it out in the road and get my practice by driving Nick and I to Delta everyday, which he had a problem with, duh, he can't be cooperative. I'll probably end up having to drive illegally without a license just so that I can get to where I need to. When I went to apply for jobs online I missed out on about seven jobs because a requirment was a drivers license. At least today's fortune cookie said " The current year will bring you much happiness (in bed)". The ironic thing is, Kyle and I had the same fortune.

It's a kind of sad story with a happy ending kind of day

I'm just going to get right to the point: When I went to put on my usual jeans this morning...they had a hole in the butt. How in the hell did my jeans get a hole in the butt!?!? I had to resort to my old jeans that drive me nuts. Seriously, my $90 hollister jeans have a HOLE IN THE BUTT!! WTF!? Well Amanda's pregnant so I'll probably get alot of clothes from her again soon. How does this have a happy ending? I already told Taylor my theory about my fave shirt having a hole in it. It's sad that it's dead, but I'm happy because I can go clothes shopping! Yay new jeans!


My step dad is damn persistent when it comes to tearing the siding off the house (as you can see here). We plan on getting the walls insulated sometime this week, then putting new siding on sometime this year. So my house will look pretty ghetto (and shiny considering the insulation is silver) for a while. The neighbors are just loving it. My step dad let me keep the aluminum things on the corners of the house; I can take them in to Omni Source for a few bucks (that's about it but that's more than I had before).

I called my real dad yesterday and gave him all the information for my car so he can call Secretary of State today and see how much it's going to cost to get my car going so we can drive it and I can get a job! Yay cheap Hollywood climatic buildup! I can't wait. If he lets me drive without my license, at least to school, then I can stay at his house longer, making my life that much more easier! Also, I can pay my sister back now, especially since I've come across some money. I just have to figure out exactly how I'm going to do everything.

I wore my gladiator sandals to school today. I feel good when I wear them :]. OH! And, Kyle and I made plans to go to the Great Wall on Friday. I had such a taste for sushi yesterday I thought I was going to die. My Gold Award Ceremony went well. I had to shake a million hands and somehow, I must have known the photographer because every time she saw me she said "Oh, hey, Melissa!" and she put me right in front and in middle. So our paths must have crossed before. I forgot how hard it was to keep a smile on for so long while there were a million flashes of light in front of me. It was crazy and my speech was terrible. I was so nervous I kept losing my spot and having to improvise. Thank God I'm so good at humor relief, I put some into the very last part and the applause and laughter was what I needed to get off stage alive.