I will be married in October

Is It really such a crime to want to be? John said that there's no way that'll ever happen. He says I have a stupid reason and it's a stupid month. I wanted him to try the cologne Drakkar, but it's a stupid reason (I like it) and it'll remind me of other people (not totally true) and he's stuck on the brand he's wearing now and isn't even willing to try anything new (even though his scent has been discontinued). I asked what he would do if I got him Drakkar for christmas (which I wasn't planning on) and he said he wouldn't wear it. He says I need to get over crap, well I think he needs to get over shit. And if there ever came a day when we would be married (which I know now there probably won't be) he's already got the whole thing planned out. And even though they're not bad plans and actually well thought out, I don't have much of a say in it at all. We got in an argument over it last night and I said "Well we're not even engaged so I'm not even going to talk about a wedding with you." He shut up.

 John said I have things about me that aren't perfect that need to change if the relationship is to work out. I know for a fact there are things he's got to change if there are any hopes for him holding a relationship with anyone. Any girl is going to request cologne and there is always a reason behind it. Whether they tell the truth or not. Unless you get a guy like Taylor who has a natural scent that is enticing. I like the scent of John, I just like Drakkar too. No crime there. I'm just a girl and he wanted a girl friend so I gave him one. But in return, I asked for a boyfriend.

Such a little boy!

So taking care of a handicap kitten wasn't as hard as I originally thought it would be. (Or as hard as the vet made it sound like it was going to be). It's gotten gradually easier through the weeks. At first I had to change his bedding everyday and feed him by hand and make sure his cut was clean (a more difficult task than it sounds I assure you). At night I kept him in his cage for his own safety and until I adjusted to having a "baby" in my room. About a week later I trusted the kitten enough to leave his kennel open and my closet door closed, I also started to litter train him since his cut was finally dry and looking better. 

As if over night, his cut closed up and he was walking around more and more. Once I was sure he was okay with it, I was able to keep my closet door open so that he had free roam of my entire room. And now he sleeps with me and cuddles and is such a cutie. I can feel comfortable leaving my bedroom door open when I'm around and know he won't die falling down the stairs. Although my mom has said that he needs to stay upstairs and Sasha (the dumb ass dog) needs to stay downstairs and leave the baby kitty alone. 

That's been the adventure of my latest furry family member. It's like having a baby to take care of. I have to feed him, clean him, and carry him everywhere he can't walk. Sheesh. At least it's gotten easier over time. I just wish he didn't have to be alone. I took him outside so he could see his family but, of coarse I knew already, they were gone. All the outside cats have been gone for a while now, even Alaina. He was just crying for them, and I called for them. And I carried him through the barn so he could see they weren't in there either. He walked around a bit but mostly wanted to be carried. Ever since he hasn't fought to get outside, in fact, he doesn't sit in the windows like normal cats like to do either. He knows he has me though. And I won't go anywhere. It might get difficult, but it's nothing. I like to think (and hate to at the same time) that if I had taken care of Smokie back in the day she would've been around just like the little boy now is. This is like a second chance for me. I was too young to save Smokie, but I wasn't going to lose another kitten to a dumb dog again. Every time he cuddles with me or follows me or just watches me, I like to think it's Smokie.
And this time, I saved her.

I almost lost my job because of it

I awoke to the sound of Alaina. Which is impossible now. I was sleeping on my stomach and I heard her meow and I replied with the typical moan to let her know I'm on my bed. Which is what I always did because she would freak out until she heard me. Then I think "Alaina in my room? Impossible. It must be Queenie." But it wasn't. I KNOW Alaina's meow, and that was it. I sat up and looked around. Nothing. I was alone. My door was closed and I was alone. I started to lay back down when I heard it again. I shot up. "Alaina!?" I called. I stood up too quickly and nearly fell over. And she meowed again. She was here! In my room somewhere! Where, where, where? I looked around hectically until I found where it was coming from. Outside my window. Not just 'outside', but on the front porch roof trying to claw her way into my room. I immediately started pushing the screen out to get to her. And in a matter of seconds I had her in my arms and I was hugging her and she was purring and meowing and rubbing her face against mine. Then I freaked out for a second. What the fuck was my cat doing on the fucking roof? I was instantly pissed beyond health. Did someone think they were being funny? What if it had started to storm and she couldn't get down? I carried Alaina down stairs and saw I was home alone. I had no choice but to put her back outside. I pondered a moment then headed back up to my bedroom to lay down again. This time, as soon as I got comfy I heard her meow again. I got up and checked the window and there she was, by my bedroom window ON THE ROOF again. This time I shut the window and ignored her. Really she's desperate to get back inside (and I'm desperate to get her back in there as well) but she's got to learn that that's wrong. John said she can come over to his house when the weather gets too bad in the winter time, but that's the only guarantee I have. 

I could easily spend the night at Johns house, which would have to be spent alone since he doesn't live in that house and his mother would throw a fit. (For future reference, there's THE house and there's John's house. THE house was the one I used to live in that John inherited. Johns house is where he lives and sleeps and of the like). THE house is starting to actually feel like a house somewhat rather than just a club house. John and I have cleaned up a bit and even though the kitchen is still gutted, the living room is great, with the new couch and all. And the we visit the front porch frequently to see if we got mail. (Yes, WE since it would be labeled. Mr. John and Melissa Markiewicz. Which was mostly my doing but John wrote it before I even introduced the idea. Even though we're not sure if we'll even be getting anything because all we did was sign the wedding book at Amanda's wedding.) The bedroom and the living room are finally separate. Even though John and I both have our own things we hate about the bedroom. I think it's too small and he thinks its ugly. But he's got big plans for the house if we were to move into that one. Even though I'm pretty sure we're not. Because his moms all set to put it up for sale once John buys a house. Which is another thing because He's been working a lot lately. You think I'm just saying he's working more than usual. No I mean 12 hour shifts EVERYDAY, mon-sun. And he's taking his co-workers shifts when they offer them up. He hadn't told me this either. I thought it was his normal work schedule but then I figured out it wasn't. He's also officially a supervisor two out of the five week days too. I think he's trying to earn the money needed for a house faster. Even though no matter what we aren't going to move out any sooner since we both agreed to wait til spring so that we don't have to pay for hardcore heat bills. 

And Taylor is another story. I still love him, but is that enough? He says that all I'd have to do is leave John and he would leave his girl and come back to me. But I don't think I could ever leave John. Not even that I would ever want to. The last time I put John second and Taylor first I got hurt, and I said I'd never put him second again. John's never put me second. I can't even see him taking me for granted EVER because of all we've been through. Our history is so intertwined it's silly. It's like a story on it's own. And I don't think I'm ready to give that up. No matter how much it hurts or how it feels like something's missing. Because with John, I at least feel the most complete I have in a while.

Silence

I don't know how to properly explain how my past few days/weeks have been. I wrote a pretty good description on my computer at home, but that's at home. I know I've been a complete mess in a way of sorts. I thought about starting a new blog and not telling anyone about it. I don't know why it hurt so much, maybe because I was lead to believe one thing then had my heart blown to bits. Nothing too new. I've broke down crying in my moms arms, something I haven't done since I was a child. Can't say I've missed it. I don't know how to get over things, and I'm not used to getting a taste of my own medicine, or playing with someone who decided to play on my level. What happens when a goddess crumbles? It's not pretty, I can tell you that.

I haven't been able to properly sleep right, but I don't know exactly why that's happening. Maybe because the boy I love made me believe he didn't love me anymore. I honestly tried to drop him off the face of the planet, for my own sanity. But I couldn't. Too many songs and tears. I needed him to be there, even if it meant living in pain forever. Maybe one day I'll look at him and not crave him so bad, because I know getting back together would cause unfixable damage. It's already war time between friends and people want people dead and nothing can be fixed once it's this fucked up. But it's only him I want all the time. It's him I want in my bed at night or when I'm alone with the silence, it's him that I think of. Maybe he's the reason there is silence all of a sudden, suddenly my four walls aren't the great friends they used to be. Alaina's gone and now Queenie sleeps on my bed next to me. She looks at me with two kinds of eyes. There's the 'oh god is she going to beat me?' look, then there's the sad sympathetic look that makes people feel even worse because it's coming from a CAT!

I'm okay when I'm with John, but when I get home and I'm alone it's another story. And even he can tell that there's something wrong all of a sudden, he's giving me the same eyes Queenie is. I think I just need to get away, to start a new life somewhere else. My home's become what Western had become, a place for bad memories to fester. So I tell myself I just have to wait and John will provide a place for us both to live and I can start over and forget...but I can't go that long. That's about nine months of thinking and memories and lonely nights. But then again, what if this feeling is temporary? What if I'm over it in a week and I'm all good? But then a week after that I'm back in this funk? That's how it'll happen. It already has. It seems my life has become one big dirty secret. I don't know how to get over it.

All I want for Christmas...is for him to die.

So today should prove to be epic. Well, to start it off, it's mine and Johns one month anniversary. Yes very exciting indeed. John made reservations for Harvey's (an almost impossible restaurant to get into). So that should be good. And I plan on wearing something epic just because I've just recently discovered that fashion is actually very fun and it feels good to look good.

Senior needs to die, but there's no point in getting into it because really it' s the same story different day. He just likes being an ass and nobody cares how it affects me. I know he's just jealous that I'll have two jobs here pretty quick and I'm better off than he ever was, but it still annoys me. He's the only thing that still brings me down. And that needs to end. I already know how I'm going to get back at him though. Time to take some action. We're free bitches!

Yesterday night was definitely worth telling about. John picked up his friend Matt then came and picked me up. Now I can't release too many details but it was definitely a very fun night. We drove around and John and Matt picked up (from trash, mind you) a couch, recliner, two dressers, and a toy chainsaw. We stopped at Johns house first (cuz one of the dressers was actually worth keeping), and then we got rid of the couch. And I'm not saying what we did with that because it was illegal. (lololol) Then they set up a nice living room scene on the rail trail with the recliner and dresser. Then we went out to the Jones road park and we burnt some check stubs that we actually needed to get rid of. Made good use of the gasoline and left. Dropped Matt off at his house then John and I went back to his place for about a half an hour and got back on our way. He also got me an Egyptian box with Anubis on it. It's so cool!

OH! And don't even get me STARTED on Labor day. IT SUCKED! Cathy (my step sister) and her two children and her boyfriend and his daughter (who looks like shes 17 but actually she's a freshman...yuck). And Cathy was Cathy (annoying and rude) and her kids were typical Larkin kids (loud and nosy). And I can feel the tension growing and there's gonna be a fight soon. I just know it. Ever since Senior threw Alaina out (with her screaming because the bastard did something) he's been an ass. GAH I JUST WANT HIM TO DIE!

Disco Love

These burn marks aren't from you,
they're from the rope lights I wrap up in.
When someone says my heart bleeds for you,
it's not a good thing.
It's a disco love story,
300 mirrors and stories living.
But you're not the one to light up my stage.
You're beats a special remix,
I'll always dance to.
But only when no ones looking.
You're life was worth mentioning,
I'll pray we meet again.

~On the dance floor~

You're the sequins on my mic.,
The reason I was always right.
The designer dress is tight,
it's your hands on my rib cage.
The fire burnt bright,
in a unique rage.
I'll hold you when I sing and dance,
but at the same time,
that's when I'm furthest away.
The dream was great but now it's real.
It's coming too fast, no time to heal.
Gotta take what I'm given.
Plastic hearts don't break,
go ahead and take, all I am.
But you're like a memory.
Chasing tail that won't lead you to me.
Just as well, I've left, run away.
I've departed your world.

This is what I aimed Nick.

tell him 'melissa doesn't hit fans, she hits air conditioners'

and has parties in hotel lobbys

2:29pmMe

with the ladies and fellas swining axes at niggas

driving my car at 90, going to go crazy, drive on the sidewalk, hit samantha

flying like a hawk, gonna gonna hafta, run from the cop, cuz i still wanna shop.

but i hafta stop, cuz there's a sign, but im a rebel and i tip cows and break my vows to the books and swans

so fly me a river and sweep me a dream cuz im gonna drift into a rock and hid til 2012 and then ima rock it everywhere

catch a meteor and throw it at you

laugh at the plagues and swim with the fire tornado, cuz the pheraos on my side and i dance for RA

the sun will shine and the water will fall and the printers makin noise

so print me some lyrics and wash my car, the end of the world is on its way and i'm gone

gone so far

You're Still My Password

I think there's two kinds of love. There's the love I know I feel for John. The kind of love that you can picture you two together a long time for now, and feel that's how it's supposed to be. Like a soul mate kind of thing. Then there's the longing, passionate, I-can't-breathe-without-you love. When I wake up in the morning, I think of starting my day, and I think of John. And when I lay down at night, who do I wish was next to me? That's a different story all together. Night and Day are two different stories. And I cause myself so much pain because I know what I need, what I deserve, and technically what I want. But why is there still pain? Because I moved on before I was ready? I thought it was easier when you had someone new, to get over someone old?

But still, every now and then I see your face and wish it was with mine again. But even I know that can never happen. Sometimes I want you so bad it hurts and I can't sleep. But I can't just do something bout it. I try to let John fill that void, but it's not the same. He can fill it all he wants, but if I eat something I'm not craving, I'll still go looking for it, no matter how full I am. Even when I KNOW it wouldn't work out and that it would ruin EVERYTHING. Grieving the dead is never easy. Especially when they're still alive.

You were my best friend

Gaga was at my house the other day. She walked up into my bedroom, sat on me in bed, woke me up and put her hand around my neck yelling: "What the fuck are you doing? Get out there, bitch!". So here I am, getting two jobs and living the life Gaga says we should. A free one. Saving my money so I can get what Gaga represents. Freedom. And here I am, great people have called me a 'mini gaga' a name I am honored to carry. And together, with teamwork with John, we shall get the life we were meant to have. Absolute freedom from criticism where we can create a world where we can thrive and allow ourselves to evolve into what we're supposed to be.

And now, I've realized just what I thought was true as a kid: The world is closer than you think. Here I come world. I hope you're ready. I hope you're ready to see me everywhere you go. The book store, television, and online. Everywhere. Once this gets out, there's no holding us back. See you on the flip side. Bright lights, and long nights. I'll kill you then bring you back to life.

I'll always love you.

Blueberry Kisses For-e-ever

I'm doing better now. Which can be saying very little if you knew how far out I was previously. The healing process is a long one, that's for sure. I'll be traveling again in no time and my woes will be left here in my home town while I'm far away. When John got employee of the month a while back he won two exclusive tickets for a two night stay on Macinaw Island itself. And guess who he's taking? Me! I'm very exciting. As if being around John isn't fun enough but 48 hours of comedy in a new place for free? Crazy goodness. John managed to get the necessary days off and so did I (luckily) and we have our room reserved and alls well. Except that John still has to run it by his mom, yikes. Good luck to him. We'll probably take my car since it has cruise control (more loved than you know) and way better gas milage. Either way we'd make it there in one tank, but my wagon would have more left over, which would save us money on the way home.

My Aunt Susie asked if I would pet sit for her this week (starting Tuesday) and I'm excited for that too! I get a week with Demon and all his other cat family. My aunt doesn't have the goats anymore (at least living there anymore) so that'll make my stay a little bit easier. I'm sure all will be fine.

It seems that temperature is falling quickly. Especially at night. When John and I leave the Texan (where the a/c makes you want to die) we get bombarded by the cold breeze, and here I was thinking I'd find some relief outside of the building. At least when John and I get home to our dark warm house, he knows without even asking whether or not I would like the air on. And then we lay on the couch and sigh as the shadows of our past dance in the dark.

I don't have to remind you, but you know that I'm around

"I know, I'll remind him I wear caution tape." It was what I woke up to. It was like someone woke up in my head was telling me what was up and what was down. I spend my life making sure I don't break. I can make sure I don't get upset and heart broken by pretending I don't care (and eventually I won't because I say it) but I can't take a moment when I'm sad or disappointed and pretend to be okay and make it that way. My diaries gathering dust because I don't know what to tell it. My story has changed to dramatically but at the same time it feels like I've always known it would take this route. Like I've been sleeping and something smacked me right in the face and woke me up saying "Remember what you said when you were in second grade? Well get to it!"

I do though. I remember when I first met John and we were sitting in the bath tub (not taking a bath just playing with our beanie babies) and we looked at each other and were utterly amazed by the other person. There was no shyness ever between us. It wasn't like saying hello to a new person, but saying 'how have you been?' to someone you haven't seen in a long time. We laughed and said "You have brown eyes? I do too! You have brown hair? ME TOO!" And then we got in trouble for being in the bathroom together. A memory we both still laugh at. More then ten years later.

Throughout growing up, John and I stayed close friends although we never actually admitted it. He told his friends about me but they didn't believe him ("John knows a girl? No way!"). And I told my friends but they could've cared aless about anything outside of school. Later on (last year) John got probation for throwing several panes of glass and random objects into that kids yard. And later in high school I dropped those friends off the face of the planet and my new friends love us both.

Back to 8th grade, my Dad and Johns Mom split up and said we couldn't see each other anymore either. My dad made excuses like "oh, Johns out of town", or "Johns sick...again". I tried to find him, and I didn't know it, but he was trying to get to me too. We lived a block away from each other but it seemed worlds apart. He was never where I was and we lived in different time zones it seemed. He ran the river walk in the morning, I walked it in the evening. He ate at restaurants on the opposite side of town as me, and I was in the mall. We went to different schools; schools that were in different classes (Western was a class A school). So our teams never went against each other. He was in baseball I was in the marching band. He was on stage, I was behind it. The only time we were together those whole four years was when we were furthest apart. I searched for him on AIM and myspace, he called my old friend Heather trying to find me (she told me about it junior year when he actually called her looking for me). There was only once I saw him outside Rudy J's with his mom when my dad and I were driving by.

Then, Junior year (sometime in the winter, I could tell you if I had my journal with me) April and I went over to Marys house to get our stuff and we discovered the pipes broke. So, of coarse we had to go check it out. We got to Mary's and John answered the door, looked confused and paused when he saw me. I had hot pink high lites and pig tails in. It was definitely my punk stage. We barely spoke the whole time until I was up in my room packing up some stuff and I heard the door open and I turned around and saw him. He said hello and started walking around the room talking about how crazy the whole pipe thing was. I reminded him that the dollar bill nailed to the wall was his (from when I had my bar up and running). We went downstairs and when I left I taped my number to the door so he'd call me. I can't remember if he did. But I remember getting home from visiting band camp that 08 summer and right as I walked in the door the home phone rang and it was John. (at 11pm at night, not the greatest timing, but oh well).

We talked for about an hour and hung up. Then it was another several months before he decided to stop by Judy's house randomly to see me. (again at 10pm), with his friend Jacob. Then right before John went on probation he looked me up on facebook and found me. That's really when we started talking again and when we started hanging out every month or so. He picked me up with three of his guy friends and we went to the Texan til 1am and they left to throw glass in some kids yard (see above story). I told him not to but what do I know. Next year he'll be off probation, but really it hasn't stopped him from doing anything or being a free bitch.

People don't understand us, but they love the story. The only thing that ever came easy was him. "Are you hungry for wonderful? 'Cause I am. I wrote a song about your eyes, ate a piece of cherry pie, I cried all night. " - Lady Gaga

I told myself one morning long ago, that I'd never let my heart break. It wasn't made to shatter, just like the rest of me. It's flexible and forgetful, just like me. No guy would ever hurt me because I'm invincible, just like I'd train my heart to be. But then there was you and you were the loop hole in this equation because you're not just like me. You squeezed in and found a new home and now I'm living with the consequence of an old love that died and new guy who replaced him. But he's the same guy, but he's just not like me.

I'm powerful and I won't break that easily, yeah you're not like me, and I may not be she, but before her there was nothing and I made you into who you should have been, but even you couldn't be that.

I wish I could slap you, push you, and never see your face again. How your hurtful words affect me you'll never know. It'll never be what it was because lifes not what it seems. Not anymore, but now I've got a clear vision and a tight grip on things, and lifes got a loose grip on me. I'm going to explore this world, until you find you and I find me. Then you'll seek me out, because I'll always haunt you. But when you find me, I'll never be where you are. I'm just memory and that time and place will never exist at the same time again.

Every shadow is yours and every light is his. I'll walk over you and fly away. Say you hate me and you never really wanted me, I know it's not true. I loved you with all that love could ever be but when I wasn't enough for you, I was everything he ever could have wanted, and I dove through his eyes to find you but you weren't willing to love anymore. So you shut me up and I shut you out. Goodbye Vinewood. Hello Hollywood. Chase me if you want but you're better off going back to the way you were. Pretend to be happier with someone else, but even you know nobody else will ever be able to replace me.

How did she do it? Why did she do it? Will the world ever know? Probably not. Those are the unsolved crimes from the asyluM.

Lady Gaga Monster Ball 2010

I think it was a mistake to try and upload all of my Lady Gaga concert pics onto facebook at once (a good 108 pics, which technically isn't all of them). It's taking forever and I can only stay on this computer for another 35 minutes. PLUS, I can't print off Seniors resumes (that I whole heartidly volunteered to do) because I can't open word or my flashdrive on this stupid teenager rank computer. I'm lucky I even could get on facebook at all.

But yeah the trip to Lady Gaga was AMAZING! I can't even find the right words to describe how truly awesome the whole trip was. John and I learned that we didn't only have VIP tickets but something they call "Gold Hot Seat VIP" which is the highest VIP you can get. So we got into the arena early and got into the pre-show party! All 20,000 lil monsters were dressed up as Lady Gaga (like you wouldn't believe) and there was tons of merch there. We had ground floor first row seats. Couldn't get ANY better. Then when Semi Precious Weapons was performing (fucking awesome band) they said that if we bought their CD they would sign it and take pictures with them. So you can damn well imagine how fast John and I booked it out of there to buy the CD (another amazing $10) after the Gaga show and got their autographs and pictures taken with them.

Gaga was simply AMAZING! So unbelieveable she was there and we were there and WOW! I thought she was amazing before now she's just unbelievable. She's so real and her beliefs are so true and I'll follow her til I die. To make my heart attack even more justified, they had the spotlight on my section for a moment and I could've swore she made eye contact with me for nearly ten seconds. holy wow! I was jumping up and down and waving and when she looked at me I just smiled and stared in amazment before she smiled and continued looking around. Talk about sudden death. She's real. She's real.

Cleveland was nice. A bigger town than I expected. I didn't know there were sky scrapers there, although I should've figured if Gaga was there it'd be a big city. I was nervous at first but John seemed to know what he was doing so I felt comfortable after a little while. We ate at Subway then got our room which had a great window seat in it. We sat in the window after the Gaga concert and watched the lil monsters spread out across the city below. The hotel was walking distance from the concert so we didn't have to do any traffic magic at all.

Well I've got to get going since I'm running out of time on this computer. And I'm still posting Gaga pics too. Alice Cooper concert tonight!

Fathers Day 2010

"Don't let her get to you," my mom said, pointing at me. I was laying on the couch, a rare feat. A few seconds later I finally looked at her. "Just let it go in one ear and out the other." She was talking about my visiting step sister Cathy, who had an opinion about everything and, of coarse, hers was always right. And if we didn't think so, we just didn't see what she did. That was only the first worst part of the day. It was fathers day and April said that Nick and I weren't allowed to go to her house when she was having a dinner for Dad. And I had to wait to see him because he wasn't home before her scheduled dinner. And Nick said he didn't even want to come at all. And he didn't go through with his part of the deal and get Dad a card for his gift. So I'm giving him a gift just from me with no card. Whatever, usually I don't give gifts. And Kiley (my niece and Cathy's daughter) was annoying as hell as I was having a fit of my own and trying to take pictures off my wall, at least in the one spot, and she kept asking a MILLION questions even though she told me she wouldn't. And even though she said she wouldn't touch everything in the room, she did. So she pissed me off, and Cathy pissed me off, and April pissed me off, and Nick pissed me off, and the world was a big square when I woke up. I didn't want to move, just to melt into the atmosphere and disappear. Last night started out fine but then turned into hell and it doesn't help that I can't control my emotions and one minute I'm fine and the next I'm crying then I'm shutting down and incapable of emotion. Then a few seconds later I'm back to remembering that my life sucked and I never really got over the pain that was buried that just had to resurface again. My high school sucked and as I get older the younger kids tend to just piss me off and I don't want to be around them anymore. I'll never have those years back and quite frankly I don't want to relive that prison lifestyle. My friends were fake and school was hell, my relationships sucked and there was nothing I could do to make my life better. And I'm glad that Taylor can go out and have fun with his little kid friends but I never was accepted among those kids (my peers) I was never one of them. I don't know if I was above or below them, but we were not on the same wave length. When I think of high school I just want to stab myself in the neck and go bleed out on the sidewalk. And I can't say it out loud because it's too hard to even think about. So to think that Taylor can even stand to hang around with his peers til Midnight and be accepted with the other seniors kills me because my class could've died and I wouldn't have been that upset. And then I get on facebook and see all my old fake friends still being fake with each other and hanging out and it kills me that even though I left them, which was one of the BEST decisions I had ever made, they still hang out and don't even care that I left (the one who was smart and never put up with their bull shit and skanky ways). Go ahead and complain that I'm immature but then swear at other people in other languages or speak in annoying voices. Go ahead and be ugly and put others down for not being as 'fun and free' as you are. Go a head and be a slut and sell yourself. Go a head and be vain and think you can have every guy to wink at (they only want you for your body while I'm capable of being loved for both). I don't fucking care.

Trust is like a mirror, it can't always be fixed. But you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection.

I wish I could say that this blog was a success, but it wasn't. I feel like I'm leaving a home that I've lived in forever and made my home. Like I'm being forced out of a place I've made my own. I was right about my last post, and I'll be right about this one too. Taylor's yelling a me over facebook (although he says he's not) and he was yelling at me yesterday through texting. so now I have to decided whether or not I should go create a different blog and really just rant and rave to myself (which is basically this blog except i get one guy as an audience that always comes back to haunt me).

Now I don't think i had this blog in high school, now I know i don't cuz it was a college thing. But history is repeating itself and it won't be long until havoc comes (maybe it won't be havoc?). And as this day goes I'm just slowly losing appreciation for my life and going to make some extreme changes cuz i'm slowly beginning to not care. I needed time and was not given any. So I went out and stole my time anyways and now it's coming back haunt me (not the me going out to experience LIFE but just Taylor's ranting and not understanding).

So now I was told that back when the Felicia thing was going on, Taylor did it because I wasn't giving him enough attention. PAGE DOCTOR BULLSHIT! I gave him border line everything. He had what other high school kids didn't have. And it wasn't enough. Too high maintenance for me! Good thing I know now. I was always yelled at for not being open when he was hiding that I wasn't giving him enough. I don't know if it'll ever be the same. Such a nOOb mistake to make in a relationship. I guess it was tainted long before I even knew it.

No, no, don't fall. Cuz we're so high up, and you'll never make it

I'm so sick of this bull shit, yet I was the one who created it. I try to play the game of chance, and yet I forget that I was a goddess in my past life and now I have to learn how to deal with things as a mortal. Because that's all I am, but everyone seems to think otherwise. No matter how real I try to seem, I just hide behind the make up and the words, but even I don't shine when I wipe the eye shadow off. My life is stained, I'll never be what I want to be, and it's something I have to cope with. It'll all be over soon, that's what I tell myself, I keep hoping it will fix itself but it won't. I have to do something no matter how much it kills me and no matter if it totally destroys everything I've ever came to know. I'll never move on if I keep this weight on my soul. If I even have one. Ugh! I hate this. I'm all pms-y and nothing I say will ever change anything because every one's going to read this and assume they know what I'm going on about or think that something terrible's going to happen. And nobody understands because I'm not willing to let them in on the mist filled world I live in. Do they know what it's like to have two voices telling you to do this or don't do that? It's more than a conscience. I have a feeling its what I want and what I wanted, old wishes and dreams bouncing around in my head, trying their best not to be forgotten. I don't want to wake up and be 40 with five kids and a mortgage and realize it could've been different, if I had only done something differently. I guess I'm so afraid to be my mother I'm causing myself havoc.

And to make everything upon everything worse, I really do have things to do tomorrow that don't include Taylor, but since I won't be with him, he'll assume I'm putting others before him. Which, believe it or not, happens sometimes. And he'll be all bummed out because he can't be with me at my dads house alone. I'm just tired of all the grabby-ness (not only just from him) I'm not an object to be owned or played with. I'm my own woman and I'll do what I damn well please. I try not to hurt others, but quite frankly, this is my life and I am looking out for me.

And no this has nothing to do with Lady Gaga (before people start blaming her) this has nothing to do with being attracted to women or never finding much interest in men. It has nothing to do with my broken past, it has nothing to do with my uncertain future. It has nothing to do with him, or him, or her, (or him) (or her) or what the fuck ever you humans plan on blaming it on. I'm the bad guy who always gets what they want at a terrible TERRIBLE timing. The damned one that people always want to be. They want what I have and I want what I have. It doesn't matter that I realized that I really can make nearly anyone fall in love with me, because even if they are there with me, I'll still be alone, really. Because I'll never have what I really want. And should I get what I want (something that's impossible to get, I'm sure) I'll be afraid that it's not enough, that I'm not enough. And I'll never be enough for anybody because I can't give all of myself, until I find what I'm looking for: myself.

Project Gaga 2010 "So many tears, u make me whole little monsters. Without u, I would have no voice. Thank you :*("

It Is Time

I've been having some weird dreams lately, sheesh, at least whenever I do I sleep the best. Tis weird. So it's the home stretch for school. Exam week and the last for delta til next fall. Which will be epic. More epic than this semester. Which was amazing! Let's do a little recap.

So Math sucked, but that was to be expected. I just kept picturing how my first math class went. It was a small class upstairs for an hour and a half and everyone got along great. Not the case this time. Our class was in the basement of delta, which is my favorite spot to be, but not for math apparently. I wasn't able to talk to anybody, and the teacher was my age and only did a good job at making me feel stupid. I was lucky enough to know I wasn't the only one feeling that way at least. I didn't even take the final exam, I just slept in and relaxed. Fuck it.

Oh, biology, how I loved our times together. Never before had I imagined a better environment to learn about the ecosystem. I was blessed with an amazing professor and a great work group. I got along great with them and can say that I actually made friends! Although college friends are often short lived. I'm afraid if I saw them in the halls I'd just awkwardly walk by. Not to mention I'm passing! Not to be too surprised, I passed with flying colors in high school. That was also a class of the century (since I had Kristen, Amanda, Bastian, and Chelsea all in one setting).

Government was stupid. All we did was work out of our books then review it in class, watch a movie and take a quiz on it. I can honestly say I didn't learn crap. Maybe two terms, that have barely anything to do with the government. It's a hard three hours to sit through and there's no one to talk to and there's really nothing to talk about anyways. And British Literature was fine, although on the exam I made it seem like the class changed my life in some momentous way. It was interesting though. Of coarse there were those few girls who always have something to say about everything and talk and talk forever. I just want to throw my shoe at their heads.

Tonight after British literature I will be going out with Shannon since we can't get together on Friday now. Which is kinda a good thing since Friday was rather hectic anyhow. Should be a nice painful visit to the mall...

Runaway Train

So my step dad decided to crown himself King Asshole. Which really he was born with that role, so he doesn't have to do such stupid things to keep the throne. I don't want to get into too much detail right now though, seeing as I"m still pretty pissed from earlier. Today he attempted to kick me out of the house saying I was the reason Mom's having money problems. Never mind the fact that he was the one who bought the four guns for 900 bucks and the damn dog. When I brought that up he said it wasn't any of my business. And that if I moved out their lives would be so much better. How about he just dies and we all live in peace?

So tonight we'll have the epicness going on at my place. I'd sell tickets but I'm sure how long the show will last. My mom will probably just say she's tired of the fighting and go to bed. Seniors excuse for everything is that he's married to her. But i said "And for how long?" I doubt a smart woman would put up with him being like he is. All he's doing is holding her down. She works so hard and goes to school everyday because he doesn't do shit. She would have everything she wants if she would just dump his sorry ass.

As for school, its the home stretch! Next week is my last week! And, lucky me, it's full of extensive homework and tough exams. Which only gaga knows if I'll have time for. Friday (tomorrow) will be busy. Which I don't know if today's events will have an impact on tomorrow or not. But I'm going to back brownies, hang out with John and bring nicks fish tank home with all its goodies. It'll be a good day. My bed sounds pretty good right now. Too bad I can't go home.

This reminds me of one time in middle school when my step dad grounded me and really dug into me and after school I purposely missed my bus home and stayed at school doing nothing because I was too afraid to go home. Any place was better than home...

everybody please watch:

I'm going bi for asian girls

So my first few weeks of work are behind me. I'm living the American dream. Not so much but I'm almost there. It really took a toll on me at first. I'd be a dead pile of mush by time I'd get out, and I technically got over time my first two weeks working. So that'll be nice. I'm flagging right along and I've passed non fiction, DVD's, and CD's. On top of working like a mad man, school is getting tight with exams popping up and assignments kicking my ass. I'm fully aware of the fact that I'm probably failing math and that I haven't learned crap in my government class. My English teacher is pumping out the paper assignments and my bio teacher is trying her best to keep my self esteem above the surface of the water.

Johns been getting better at life, and working extra hard on the house it seems. I surprised him the other day by popping over unexpected and he seemed thrilled to have the extra company. I only stayed for maybe an hour or so but it seemed to lift his spirits. He admitted that he had wanted me to move in with him when the house was finished. He doesn't want to live in that big of a house by himself. "Who else would I have asked?" he kept saying. I said that I was moving out with Taylor and that there was basically no chance of me ever moving in with him. But if I had no other plans (like Taylor) I would have. I said that he'd have to stop the drugs and the beer parties though. I wouldn't want to live with that, and he actually said he'd would stop doing the drugs if that increases the chances, even a little.

I want to keep writing, but I gotta go to government and do homework while the teacher is talking. Also, I'm determined to get my bio paper finished by midnight. I'm relying on Taylor to get me the information I need first though. Totally understandable if he can't, but I need it to do the paper. I will win this war!

Paradise Lost

I never knew what the term 'living dead' quite meant until now. I can't sleep, my body aches, I can't get my homework done, and I'm hungry to the point where I eat whatever; it doesn't even matter anymore. I had a 1000 word biology paper due today (very important) and I couldn't do it last night and so I couldn't turn it in today. And I've got that annoying voice in my head saying I should've made up my mind sooner on a topic. That way it would've been done by last night. It's not like I was putting it off; I couldn't decide on a topic and when it comes to these papers I'm overstressed right away because I feel like they have to be absolutely perfect. In every way shape and form Call it the writer in me. If I was this motivated in all areas of aspect, I'd be flawless myself. I guess no ones perfect. Even if my friends say they didn't think I'd want to hang out because "I'm too cool", and the sad part is they don't mean it in a mean way. They're serious. The most serious of them all is John. Whom I thought was too cool to want to hang out with me. Suddenly I'm cooler because I'm comfortable with myself and have someone who loves me unconditionally who I love also. Now that I think about it, yeah I am cooler than them.

I'm kidding. (maybe...but serioulsy...maybe)

To make my life that much better, my step dad defyed my mother (his wife) again and went ahead and got a gun. Not a little gun, a nice man killing machine. I remember laying in bed and hearing him down in the living room on the phone talking about gun prices and him saying if he bought if online it was cheaper. What was the cheaper price? $200. Not cheap when your mom has to work 2 jobs and go to school just to keep a roof over our heads. Senior was complaining because our income tax money always goes towards the house. Well, yeah you dumb ass, we live in it and you sit on your ass in it. You want money to blow off? Get a fucking job and sell the shit in the back yard. Trust me, they don't make the back yard look pretty.

I know he's getting ready to tell her because he's doing exactly what he did when he got the puppy. He's actually going stuff around the house. What bothers me is he asks for my opinion then when I give it to him he talks about all the flaws involved in it. Even though I know what mom wants more than he does. Clearly.

Work is starting out rough. It's what I wanted alright, a job where I don't have to talk to anyone and I get to just work on my own and at my own pace. It's exactly that. I get books (and right now I'm still getting "trained") and take the cart upstairs and stock the shelves (flagging the books I place on the shelf so that they can come up behind me and make sure I'm doing it right. I have to pass with 95% or more three times in a row, or else start all over. It takes me about an hour and a half with about 70 books or so. So far I've gotten 98%, 95%, and a 96%. My body aches come from bending down and moving around trying to put books away but I know it'll eventually get easier for me. I remember nearly dieing my first week of school because I was starving and my body killed. But now I don't feel anything. Haha, I'm immune to the pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. I've gotta go home and do laundry and my government homework. Doesn't seem I'll have much time tomorrow to do it.

Had a bag of chips for lunch and they kicked ass. And I approve of this message.

The floor is shaking

So I got the job at the library. They called the other day out of the blue and asked if I still wanted the position. I said fuck yeah. So I start on Monday, which is good because I need to start making the moneys. I'll be making less than when I was working at COH, but it's a lot closer, and the job is what I want. It's quiet, I don't have to talk to people, and I get to keep to myself. Plus I'm right down town like I wanted to be since I graduated high school. Hopefully I don't end up working hard for a job I end up hating like I did last time. The people seem friendly. The lady in the administrative office today said she remembered reading my profile and was glad she got to meet me. I had to watch this silly drug awareness video to complete everything and I seriously had moments when it would make me smile. The acting was terrible but at least it wasn't one from the 80's but it was just as bad. Afterwards, I went home and went to sleep. I was very tired. Stayed in bed til around one when I went to subway for nick and I got my self the usual despite the fact today is Friday and I'm not supposed to be eating meat. Tomorrow is state wide no meat Saturday thanks to our amazing governor.

I'd like to go for a walk today with Taylor down by the river walk. Maybe check out the newest section they have which is supposed to be right next on the water. My Dad's all excited for all the cat fishing and such. Good luck with that. I'll just have to make sure I switch shoes first cuz these ones are definitely not for walking in. I'm realizing that once I start working I'll really be short on the free time. I'll have to do my homework as soon as possible just to make sure I don't get behind. Then there's my friends too. All my classes are going great, but now they all want me to start doing papers. And extensive ones too; I don't know how I'm going to get them done. At least the one for my biology class. I have to write a paper on something scientific that's going on in the world. I was going to do genetic mutations of the such but that's a subject that's way too broad; they don't even know what really causes them. Plus when I move it to one that isn't that broad like spina bifida which runs in my family, I can't write about it because it makes me feel like I'm going to be sick. Plus, once again, they don't exactly know what causes it, just how to help reduce the risk of have a still birth or a child with the defect. So I have less than a week to find a topic, good sources, and write a 1000 word paper on the subject. Oh, and I have to do a good job so I don't lose the B I'm sitting on. We'll see how this goes.

According to natural selection I'll have 14 kids

I feel compelled to continue writing. Mostly because I still have over an hour until class starts. I successfully avoided my homework too. Oh well. It's just english. I kinda regret brining the extra books though. My back pack can't support the extra weight like a it should. Not to mention my back will be killing me tonight just from sitting in class and now it'll hurt even more. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I'm so tired from not being able to sleep last night. I was thinking of the past and getting pissed off. Meanwhile the voice in my head told me to stop or else I'd never fall asleep. Well, guess what, I didn't.

I tried to think about Believe last night too. But it's been so long since I've written (again) that I don't quite remember what I was going on about...I'll have to re-read and try to continue. I'm lost in the characters. How am I going to pull it off...?

And for a split second, the thought of skipping class came across my mind. But I won't. It's just one class a week for three hours. I can sit through it. Even though I don't think I read what I was supposed to. Also, I need to start working on my bio paper. My topic is genetic mutations basically. I'll just do the one that runs in my family. And according to what my teacher said, people with genetic issues like that often don't (or aren't supposed to) reproduce at all, so stop the chain from continuing. The way I see it with how it used to effect my family (which is almost killed off already) the future generations won't be around forever anyways. It's killing more than are surviving it.

Well, I'm going to get off the computer and go sit somewhere else. Preferably in a softer chair. After all, I'll be sitting for three hours straight. Never mind the fact that classroom chairs are way more comfy than this one.

Five hours of nothing and GaGa's quickly convincing me not to do my homework.

So, thanks to my step fathers inability to realize a marriage is a two way street, he defied my mother and brought the puppy home. So now we have a puppy that, although it is training relatively quickly, I can already see some troubles brewing and (oddly enough) they're not about money. My stupid ass step father (easy, buddy) is doing his job of taking care of the puppy like he's supposed to be, but he's sorta adopted this new attitude against me (what am I talking about? That's not new!) But it seems to have gotten worse. Now I know that the boys have it WAY easier than anything close to what the rest of us kids had to grow up with, but when they push past me when I'm patiently waiting to get through you can damn well bet that I'm going to knock them on their ass. Which of coarse gets me a lecture from my mother that I need to take it easier on them ('cuz they have it so hard, I know). And when I remind them that they aren't the only ones living in that house and that courtesy actually exists I get my dumb fuck step father yelling at me to leave them alone because "I'm not their parents". Fine, next time Logan is sick at school I won't go pick him up because his shitty truck won't run. Besides, that's his parents job to pick them up at school. Not mine. I should've thrown that at him. I will next time he brings it up, which shouldn't take that long.

So, since we're talking about dumb asses, let's bring up the topic of John. Now, I don't actually think John is a dumb ass, but he does and some of the stuff he says makes me think otherwise. John's just going through a phase that he'll hopefully get through in one piece. He's lonely because he feels that he'll never have what others have. Which is a significant other. It's not all about getting laid anymore. He says every one's dumb fucks for not appreciating what they have. And that he'd never take it for granted. He's never experienced love outside of his mother. I think this whole state of mind has something to do with growing up a chunk of his life without a father. My dad was there for him as much as possible. While he was a father figure for John for many moons, he can't be anymore. John actually avoids him like he's afraid to face him. Even when my father expresses happiness to see him when they bump in public. There's nothing wrong with John's mother. Nick, April, and I miss her greatly. She was just as much apart of our lives as they were his. We camped, lived, and spent lots of time together. I don't have a good childhood memory that doesn't involved John and Mary in some way, shape, or form.

When we were youngsters, mostly through elementary school, John and I would actually go through phases where we HATED each other. We would fight and be just disgusted with each other. This usually lasted about a year. Which is a lot of time wasted when I think about how much fun we always had together when we weren't trying to lose each other in Jump N' Shout or DZ Discovery Zone. We made little episodes on recorded tape called "Radio Sherling" (Lady Gaga had this thing too we recently discovered from a teenager called "Radio GaGa"). While I was at Johns the other night we thought about how crazy it would be to do that again. When actually we sort of have already started except with video. We're working on remaking Gaga's videos and "Born to be Alive". Once John works a little bit a lot more on his house, we'll have an entire house to do our video shoots. For now, aside from getting John to come around mentally, we're working on our gaga costumes...which is kinda on a stand still. It'll be moving quicker when I get some money (oh i dunno A JOB!) and John finds his peace.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity...FUCK!

Well I just got the magic phone call to say whether or not I got the job at the library. And I didn't. GO FUCKING FIGURE! Might as well just die. The good news is that the lady said that she's going to keep my name on file because she knows some of the other pages are leaving soon and instead of doing another interview, they'll just hire me at the next convenience. Don't hold your breath though, she made it sound like it could be soon, but I'm sure it'll be FOREVER. FUCKING FAIL!
I don't know what made me think I'd get to Disney world for a job when I can't even get employed by a gas station or a library. Excuse me while I go wish I was employed now.

An epiphany

Ya know what I realized? I can post any video I want and Taylor wouldn't watch it if it somehow related to Lady Gaga. So that means I can post all sorts of shit and he wouldn't know it was directed at him as long as I title it something to do with the Gaga. I could have all sorts of video secrets and inside jokes and he wouldn't ever know. Not that I have a problem with him hating everything to do with Lady GaGa (I just won't let him see me on Halloween, when the opinion of her will surely change) it just gets crazy after a while.

Yesterday we owned a puppy for a record time of about two hours. We got it, and then mom came home and said we couldn't keep it. I shouldn't make it sound like I'm bummed or surprised. I'm not. I knew right when I saw it ("WTH is that!?) that mom would throw a fit. Senior seems to think we need a dog to keep the yard safe. What yard? This is Bay City, there isn't a house here that can properly raise a dog. Not unless you are blessed with an empty lot by your house or a small dog and a big house. Oh well, pit bulls are bad pets anyhow.

Taylor got pissed yesterday because I was over at his house an our later than normally. I would've been over at about the normal time but I became distracted with the sudden appearance of a canine in the house. An adorable puppy with floppy ears and a little brown spot on her face and she just wobbled up to me and was ADORABLE! We all know how I get with baby animals anyhow. Never mind the fact I'm easily distracted in the first place, but normally I'd been able to just go on my way. Make a sandwich for dinner and leave still hungry. Then Taylor is bummed I don't want to eat dinner at his house. If I'm not a big fan of what they're having I'd rather be awkward at my house then be awkward at his and (not only be hungry still) but have his family make smart ass remarks about how I don't eat enough or how I don't think they make enough to eat. Which isn't true for their case. I was comparing them to my DAD at the time. Whom makes whole steaks for each person present. I'm so tired of people thinking I'm anorexic just because I'm skinny and don't eat in front of them. No, when I got to hang out with friends I eat BEFORE I got hang out with them. It's the polite thing to do unless eating was apart of the scheduled program.

Another thing. I feel kinda bad for John, even though he sorta brings it upon himself. He says he's giving up on girl chasing because it's hopeless. (I still owe him five bucks from losing a bet that a certain girl would say yes...she said no). He's all depressed and taking pills like they're candy. Drinking all the time, etc. I noticed he's become a little bit more "clingy" to me. He spends money on me like it doesn't matter. And sure a few bucks isn't much to care about but when he gets employee of the month and he celebrates (not by getting drunk, although I'm sure he did) by taking me out to dinner at the Great Wall. Well, hot damn I love that place. When John and I hang out we never stop talking, there is always SOMETHING that sparks our attention. We went to Hot Topic and discovered all the new Lady Gaga merchandise. We saw Austin at the mall and he joined us as well. John and him ofcoarse got off well and Austin was telling the clerk at hot topic how he knows these two girls who are just OBSESSED with Twilight and everyone in it and NEVER stop talking about it. John started to laugh and said that that's how he and I were, except with Lady Gaga. The clerk said that they sponser Gaga now and they have all the goods that we could want. Cheaper than online to. I was on amazon.com and got a lady gaga poster for about 4 bucks and the Poker Face Remixes CD for about 1 dollar. So hot damn, this is my jam, keep me partin' to the A.M., ya'll don't understand, makes me throw my hands in the ayre, ay- ayre, ayre, ay- ayre. Sorry, just had to...

Happy Birthday Shannon, this ones for you

Oh, a Disco Heaven!

Lady GaGa

Have you ever read anything that was so Christian that you just had to find a blunt object and kill whoever said it just to make sure the future of the world doesn't continue to be populated with idiots of such? Well I have. I think we all have at some point. Whether we are friends with such or are the such. I was blog searching today on google (thank you blogger) and I came across a blog that sparked my interest (although it was clearly a christian blog) enough that after my computer crashed I looked it back up and read what it had to say. What sparked my interest so? Well it must be something pretty damn amazing if it caught MY attention and was a religious matter. The headline stated that Lady GaGa was a witch and was taking over the world and corrupting it with her music. I instantly LOVED the blog. Now I love Lady GaGa even more than that. But the scary thing was (or awesome thing was) that a lot of it made sense. Her costumes are weird yes, but they have been seen before, they all are (well 90% of them) are all replicas of Egyptian costumes, or mythological such.

• The Anubis is by FAR my favorite costume. I've been in love with the Egyptians since I saw the christian movie "The Prince of Egypt" when I was in elementary school. And I am attempting to make the costume for Halloween. Anubis, as we all know, is the God of Death. Seen here sported by Lady GaGa the Goddess herself.

The Lightening bolt over the right eye symbolizes Horus, also an Egyptian god, and when her hand is by her eye (as seen here) it symbolizes the Sun, and the other eye further away symbolizes the moon.

Lady GaGa of coarse wears the lightning bolt as much as possible. The accusations are that Gaga sold her soul to the devil for Fame and Money. Which are two of her songs. Two of her influences are David Bowie and Ono something rather, which are both "devil worshippers" according to the blog. I'm doing this by memory mind you.

• THIS MY FRIENDS...is the Monster Ball. Designed by the Gaga herself, it is said to represent Saturn and its five rings, and the five pointed star. I think its fucking fabulous if you ask me.

This was one of the more controversial ones (oh you Christians, giving me something to talk about still). Here's what they had to say: "Interesting to see red around her when she’s throwing the symbolism of the feminine capstone of Lucifer. Notice how she highlights the eye which represents the Sun. The Left eye is of course the Moon and the one which Horus had ripped out by Seth. Remember the TRIangle is itself the symbol of the masculine Satan, the planet Saturn and his three angels."

"Note the witchcraft “broken cross” under her votive hand. We can’t forget her very own TRIangle headphones" More info from them. I guess triangles are bad and anti-Christ. And of coarse the "monster claw" she does (it's actually more of a salute) is called a "triad claw" which symbolizes Satan. After every concert and in every music video she does it for her fans. John and I give people "the claw" all the time.

Well, ya know what Christians? I'll be a witch if I can be with Lady Gaga. She's not like the religious folk, when she says she stands up for something, she proves it by doing it, not preaching endlessly. She says "Be yourself and never be afraid to be different". And I am living by that cuz' we're free bitches, baby!

Foolish Games

Ugh, terrible. Absolutely terrible. Oh, the things that have been happening! Woe is me! Woe is you! Woe to everybody who has touched my fragile, broken, and mangled life! Woe to the evil that resides inside me! Woe to the gentle voice I so often ignore! Woe!

Well, clearly you can see my dilemma. Clearly something earth shattering has happened that has altered my state of mind. Actually, no. Nothing too earth shattering has happened that hasn't already been mentioned in my written journal. Karma is a beautiful thing, false or not. Deserved or not. What comes around goes around. What comes around leaves for a long time. What comes around leaves and hides and goes to the first to find it. I has a question: Now, I'm not planning to, but if I were to run away who would find me? I have a few people who have said that they wouldn't stop until they had found me. And how would they find me? Well, they'd follow their hearts of course! Because our hearts know the answer to everything! Right!? WRONG!

Our hearts don't know everything because they learn as we do. They learn from mistakes and grow strong after they had been weak. So on and so forth. Writing can be deadly, and yet I continue to do it. To put my words into something concrete so that later on they can be used against me. Especially my written journal.

ANYWAY. The point of this post today was to mention the rumor that as of late had been creating quite a fuss between Taylor and our so called ex-friends. Supposedly he had been cheating, nothing new there. It was more complicated than that though. Last June him and this Felisha girl (which I remember mentioning somewhere...) had a "thing" behind my back. Typical. And I forgave him for holding her and her hand (and the fact that I had caused him to want to kill himself and she was what made him stop) but the news I got the other day was that, back in June, he had went as far as to kiss her. This was new news to me. I probably would've had a harder time forgiving that (If I would've at all with the bite mark that was associated with it). So the rumor was actually that he had cheated on me back last year. What stumped me was that people were texting me asking if we were still dating because of what he's been doing in the here and now. Which would have nothing to do with last June even if it had been true. People were swearing it was true (even though they hadn't seen it with their own eyes. God must've told them or something). And then people were fumbling over their own words and stories were changing. When they said they had evidence all the 'evidence' they had was that they had seen it with their own eyes. Guess what people? That's not evidence! Dumb shits!

So now Zachs pissed at me for being pissed at him for helping to spread the lies. He says he didn't spread lies, why would he do that? Well by telling me that Taylor was cheating is helping to spread lies. He didn't ASK if he was, he just said he was and that it was true. Why? Because Victor told him. Well Victors a little bitch and Laura's a BIG bitch (pun intended). And Felisha's a jealous bitch who can't seem to get over the fact that Taylor was just pretending to like her (He'll argue that all day and night) so that he'd have friends.

I should probably tell Taylor that the reason he can't make guy friends is because of how he comes onto every girl he wants to be friends with, whether he knows it or not. Da boyz don't like it! Neither do I, quite frankly. But I'm starving (as usual) so I'm going to stop typing aimlessly and get a move on. I'm fighting the urge to buy a pop because I'm trying to save my money. A reminder to myself is that there's a soundtrack I'm interested in buying. Well I'll talk to myself later!

awesome live but don't judge until you've heard the normal version

The music video is so lame it's AWESOME!

To repent

I'm sorry, blogger, I really am. I originally started this blog as a way to get things out of my system, and now it seems I'm hiding more things than I am writing about. I've failed again to create a completely honest blog for the world to read. Then again, did I really expect me to be able to do such a feat? Who would want all their problems and achievements (if you can call them that) on a public website to be judged (or ignored)? I've started writing in my written journal again so that I can get these out. And someday when I rule the world and they're published as my own biography, then the world will really know what happened and why it did; and maybe I'll help a teenage girl through some problems when she feels like she was the only one who ever had to go through them. That's where I was.

I find myself in a state of uncaring. I'd do something, and, well, not care at all. Then later when I realize it, I'd say "well I care, but I'm not going to stop". Why? I don't know why. If I care, why can't I stop? Am I trying to convince myself? (The other voices in my head try to do that when I listen to one over the other). Am I ruining something great or am I venturing onto great territory? We'll find out this summer: when I travel the country.

I guess, what I'm saying is...forgive me.

I want your love and all your lovers revenge

Sha-bam! I've got school now! Hell's to the yeah! I feel like an adult again! Gosh, I feel so good anything can happen. CUZ I'MA FREE BITCH BABY! My cars snowed in in the parking lot though. Only a little set back. Who wouldn't want to be on a school computer listening to great music and around friends? Shaly found me and brought her friend, and then there was Bree who tackled me and Shae who stopped in his tracks as my group of scwabbling girls was trying to converse. It feels so GOOD to be around my friends I haven't seen in forever. Like I haven't had socialization in forever and I was getting a well needed fix. I don't want people like Taylor to take that the wrong way, he's great conversation. I just haven't seen my other friends in forever. We talked about fun things and updated and gossiped. Shae showed me how to hack onto the system. I don't remember how but it was still pretty cool. Of coarse, he's a complete computer geek anyhow.

It's officially white outside (I think it was for Christmas too...I can't remember) both mine and Taylors birthdays are right around the corner (his is tomorrow). Driving myself to school feels great. Hanging out with friends is great. Listening to Lady GaGa with John is great. Laughing with Shannon is great. Being with Taylor is great. Being showed up by Shae is great. Life is great.

Taylor and I have special birthday plans (again). Hopefully this time we throw a party at Kyles I won't get sick and we can actually do stuff. I'll just leave it at that. I think Bree had sex.............I AM slow. Well, more news is that I don't have class until 4:30pm so I have, on Mondays, a five hour wait between classes. Which is great if I can get online and have fun that way. Biology was my 8 a.m. class today, I think the semester will go by smoothly as long as I can keep up and not have my eyes glaze over. Almost every class gathering we have a lab/ group work thing. Which is not my fave, but get this: she doesn't give out homework! Hell yeah, I'll take group work over no homework ever. That way I know that my work will always get done. And even though she doesn't hand out much extra credit, she did today. So I'll do that and get the extra points and have something sturdy to stand on. British Literature is next. Yay, brit lit.

My Moms going back to school now. She'll be attending Ross Medical Center. I'm really happy for her. She's concerned about gas though. She barely has enough to get to work and pick up everyone from school. Obama wants moms to go back to school. I think that's great! People shouldn't be limited to their current job just because they have kids. Go get a higher education! There is no top, there is always something new to learn.