No, no, don't fall. Cuz we're so high up, and you'll never make it

I'm so sick of this bull shit, yet I was the one who created it. I try to play the game of chance, and yet I forget that I was a goddess in my past life and now I have to learn how to deal with things as a mortal. Because that's all I am, but everyone seems to think otherwise. No matter how real I try to seem, I just hide behind the make up and the words, but even I don't shine when I wipe the eye shadow off. My life is stained, I'll never be what I want to be, and it's something I have to cope with. It'll all be over soon, that's what I tell myself, I keep hoping it will fix itself but it won't. I have to do something no matter how much it kills me and no matter if it totally destroys everything I've ever came to know. I'll never move on if I keep this weight on my soul. If I even have one. Ugh! I hate this. I'm all pms-y and nothing I say will ever change anything because every one's going to read this and assume they know what I'm going on about or think that something terrible's going to happen. And nobody understands because I'm not willing to let them in on the mist filled world I live in. Do they know what it's like to have two voices telling you to do this or don't do that? It's more than a conscience. I have a feeling its what I want and what I wanted, old wishes and dreams bouncing around in my head, trying their best not to be forgotten. I don't want to wake up and be 40 with five kids and a mortgage and realize it could've been different, if I had only done something differently. I guess I'm so afraid to be my mother I'm causing myself havoc.

And to make everything upon everything worse, I really do have things to do tomorrow that don't include Taylor, but since I won't be with him, he'll assume I'm putting others before him. Which, believe it or not, happens sometimes. And he'll be all bummed out because he can't be with me at my dads house alone. I'm just tired of all the grabby-ness (not only just from him) I'm not an object to be owned or played with. I'm my own woman and I'll do what I damn well please. I try not to hurt others, but quite frankly, this is my life and I am looking out for me.

And no this has nothing to do with Lady Gaga (before people start blaming her) this has nothing to do with being attracted to women or never finding much interest in men. It has nothing to do with my broken past, it has nothing to do with my uncertain future. It has nothing to do with him, or him, or her, (or him) (or her) or what the fuck ever you humans plan on blaming it on. I'm the bad guy who always gets what they want at a terrible TERRIBLE timing. The damned one that people always want to be. They want what I have and I want what I have. It doesn't matter that I realized that I really can make nearly anyone fall in love with me, because even if they are there with me, I'll still be alone, really. Because I'll never have what I really want. And should I get what I want (something that's impossible to get, I'm sure) I'll be afraid that it's not enough, that I'm not enough. And I'll never be enough for anybody because I can't give all of myself, until I find what I'm looking for: myself.