Safe & Sound

I couldn't handle it anymore. The pain was unbearable. I rolled off my bed and forced myself to double the suggested Advil intake. Waited thirty minutes - still nothing. I felt my abdominal, why did it hurt so much? This was worse than any pms symptoms I'd ever had before. I was nauseous, bloated, severe abdominal pains, I couldn't sleep or eat, was always hungry, and always tired. Every move I made caused me to be aware of the strange new feeling.
Alex said I should see a doctor. But I couldn't. This is America, where we can help other countries but not our own citizens. I had no health care and even the free clinic said I couldn't come back. Alex was looking to buy me health insurance. I knew there was a way to get free health insurance since I was a part time worker. That was my goal. I made phone calls and every call led me to a new person and leaving new voice messages. Until finally it was time for work.
I couldn't do it. I walked into my bosses office and started crying. And that says a lot for me. She immediately rushed to me, wanting to know what kind of sickness it was. I said it sounds pathetic but its pre-period pains but it's not leading to anything. She hugged me and said we'd all been there and sent me home. I was there for an hour. The pain meds already worn off - as if they had impacted me at all. I called my mom, my voice breaking. I texted april asking for help. This couldn't be happening, could it?
I felt like I was dieing. I half expected to not wake up every time I went to sleep. I laid in bed continuously. My mom did not visit. April did not text. Alex called. He was worried, said it was all his fault. How could that be?
I always wondered what would happen if I became pregnant before marriage and in this case with the father 5000 miles away.  I always thought even though it would be early that Alex would be happy. He always wanted to be a father - said it was the best gift I could ever give him. If I were to get an abortion without him knowing? Surely that would shatter his world and he'd be eternally mad at him. I wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway. So we talked about it. I said I wouldn't want to have a child out of wedlock, he agreed. I said but I thought we could still find happiness in it. He agreed.
"So I think we agree to do whats best. For all of our futures." He said, and I smiled at that. How strange. Why was I happy about that? Why was I protective and not as afraid as I should be? That night, I slept.

The next day was worse. The pain traveled to my back and my neck but mostly stayed in my abdominal. My mom actually poked her head in to see how I was doing. Still alive - she left before even a minute had passed. Alex was on the phone with me and I was crying, although I didn't know if he knew or not. I was pretty good at sounding okay. "I'm not sure how they work in the states, but they're confidential right?"
"What are?"
"Abortions. I know they're controversial there."
I was confused. "Yeah, they are."
"Oh good. I'd hate to know what your mom would think."
"I..." I was speechless. I didn't know what to think. "why..." I tried again.
"Awfully quiet babe, you alright?"
"Why would you even bring that up?" I was scrambling for the words.
"Well, don't you think it'd be bad if she found out?"
"Found out what?"
"I...thought we had agreed on that yesterday."
"Agreed on what? I can't- I don't even...understand what you mean. I mean, what? I guess..."
"Isn't that what you meant?"
"You said 'to do whats best for all our futures'."
"Yeah, we can't afford a child right now. We don't even live in the same country yet. I'm saving for plane tickets and weddings." he went on a long speech like he always does and I was shocked. "I'm glad we're talking about it though because I feel the right emotions don't come across when we text."
"Well that's certainly true. I don't understand." No, I had pictured in my mind that Alex would be heartbroken if I had ever gotten an abortion. Now he was encouraging it? Sure I knew I couldn't do this on my own but I loved Alex more than anything. "If you were some random boyfriend I'd understand. But you're the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, that changes things quite a bit. It seems selfish that we do that just because we want a honeymoon in the Caribbean. Or want to see Egypt. Could you really live with yourself if you killed your first born?" He was silent.
"No," he breathed. He felt the impact I was trying to get across. "No, I couldn't." I knew I couldn't either. If I was made to kill my own child, even with my current means I feel I'd never be the same. I'd become depressed and never leave that state of mind. It'd be something I'd regret for the rest of my life. Chanielle did it alone in college even with moving to a different state. My mom did it at 21 (even though she was married). No, I wasn't going to do that. We set a date. If my period didn't start by that day then I'd take a test. If that test was positive I'd to go Aprils and take her extra test. If that was positive I'd have April take me to the hospital (Or probably have to go alone) to have a more formal test done.

A couple days later my period started. It was odd at first and not normal but then it became heavy. Like why-aren't-I-dead-yet heavy. Slowly my symptoms went away. And after a week I'm relatively feeling normal. Alex is more relaxed and I never took that test (yet). I'm still planning to because you can still have another period if you're pregnant.

Alex sends me presents, things to wear next time he's over. He's booked the suite and promises the future. He's everything to me. And randomly I'll feel a twinge of a pain, a light sensation in my abdominal. And I'll remember. They're both everything to me.