My mom showed me what Alex had been saying about me on Facebook. That I used him, that it was all my fault, that I was immature, not brave or strong, that I wasn't independent and going no where with my life. And how he couldn't wait to start his new life, and that he was happy.
I was pissed.
How can I use someone who's 5000 miles away? I always took care of him while he was here, never accepted his money offerings (although sometimes he would just send it anyway) and I gave him things he could never possibly give me. I worked hard to give him the body he always wanted a female partner to have, and yet he didn't seem to want to work towards giving me the male one I wanted. How can I not be moving forward with my life? I'm graduating soon, earning my writers certificate, have another chance at getting something published, finding a second job, getting my motorcycle license, volunteering and even had my picture taken to help advertise pet adoption events.
Alex had this five year plan that HE HIMSELF made. He never asked for my input or thoughts. He never considered what I wanted while making it. But it was my fault when he could no longer go through with it. He's a control freak. Not to mention when we broke up he sent all our mutual Facebook friends a message saying that I left him for another guy and even called my MOM at work! It was no ones business! Maybe I should send his friends a message saying how bad at sex he is? How I never got anything out of that. My ex Taylor was better than him and we hadn't even had real sex!
Once the flames of my wrath died down (my mom described it as 'fueled by anger' not far from the truth) I found myself checking my moms Facebook almost everyday to make sure the conversation between them died. I pretended to be her a few times to talk to him and help him realize things. But things he says to my mom are different from what he says to me. He told her (me) that he is miserable but puts on a brave face. He misses and loves me and hopes that someday we can be together again. That I "changed" and that I wasn't the girl he once knew.
I told my mom that when we broke up Alex told me he didn't want anything to do with me. No friendship, no communication, no anything. So I told her that includes her, she's a part of ME. Therefore he can't keep in touch with her and "have his cake and eat it too". As he said I was doing several times.
I send out for university info from colleges in Florida and Hawaii. Warm places I know Frank can transfer to and would like to live. Some times I find myself wondering if I should be with Alex. I do still love him and feel as if I've lost something great - even given all the above. It'd be easier to pay for college with him but I remember being bored with him as well. Usually when I get back with an ex it's never what I expect it to be and I'm just disappointed. Would this be the same? Or is the hurt that much more painful because I'm fighting what is supposed to be?
God, I love that asshole.
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