If only if only, the woodpecker cried, the bark on this tree were as soft as the sky

I wish he knew, actually knew, how much it hurts to even have memories of him. To know that at one point in time we were so lost in bliss that nothing could stop us and the world did stop at our backyards and we were okay with that. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and to know that that touch and feeling is gone forever hurts. The heart dies a slow death. Shedding each hope until there is nothing left. Just shadows.

I don't mean to hurt him, but Taylor is so far off on one mind set that I could say Hi and he'd find a reason to get mad. It doesn't help he's still doing immature things like talking about me on Facebook (but making sure to delete me first so that not even I could defend myself). I had to receive a call from my sister in order to know what was going on. His friends bashed me for a while saying it was "Her loss". Where the fuck were they when Taylor was having problems and being expelled from school? He was alone even when he was with me. I have a LIFE I can't be hovering over him when I have work and school and a need to be out with my other friends as well. Alex had completely stopped talking to him, and Anthony, who had a lot to say for someone who doesn't know me (like all his friends really) lives in another STATE. He's never there for Taylor when he needs him. So like they have a right to talk. 

Lately, life has become mostly about getting out with friends all night and saving as much money as I can before fall semester starts (sooner than I thought next month). I'm having a slight issue keeping it above my budget line, and I doubt I'll make my budget goal for the summer. Shane's great about me though. We go out a lot and he's looking for a more fuel efficient, sportier car. 

I wish I could say I was at peace though. I am happy. I eat more often and can write again. But there's still that need to punch someone. Still that pent up anger I want to get out. But I guess that's life and I'll just need to get over it. Got my hair cut.