Silence

I don't know how to properly explain how my past few days/weeks have been. I wrote a pretty good description on my computer at home, but that's at home. I know I've been a complete mess in a way of sorts. I thought about starting a new blog and not telling anyone about it. I don't know why it hurt so much, maybe because I was lead to believe one thing then had my heart blown to bits. Nothing too new. I've broke down crying in my moms arms, something I haven't done since I was a child. Can't say I've missed it. I don't know how to get over things, and I'm not used to getting a taste of my own medicine, or playing with someone who decided to play on my level. What happens when a goddess crumbles? It's not pretty, I can tell you that.

I haven't been able to properly sleep right, but I don't know exactly why that's happening. Maybe because the boy I love made me believe he didn't love me anymore. I honestly tried to drop him off the face of the planet, for my own sanity. But I couldn't. Too many songs and tears. I needed him to be there, even if it meant living in pain forever. Maybe one day I'll look at him and not crave him so bad, because I know getting back together would cause unfixable damage. It's already war time between friends and people want people dead and nothing can be fixed once it's this fucked up. But it's only him I want all the time. It's him I want in my bed at night or when I'm alone with the silence, it's him that I think of. Maybe he's the reason there is silence all of a sudden, suddenly my four walls aren't the great friends they used to be. Alaina's gone and now Queenie sleeps on my bed next to me. She looks at me with two kinds of eyes. There's the 'oh god is she going to beat me?' look, then there's the sad sympathetic look that makes people feel even worse because it's coming from a CAT!

I'm okay when I'm with John, but when I get home and I'm alone it's another story. And even he can tell that there's something wrong all of a sudden, he's giving me the same eyes Queenie is. I think I just need to get away, to start a new life somewhere else. My home's become what Western had become, a place for bad memories to fester. So I tell myself I just have to wait and John will provide a place for us both to live and I can start over and forget...but I can't go that long. That's about nine months of thinking and memories and lonely nights. But then again, what if this feeling is temporary? What if I'm over it in a week and I'm all good? But then a week after that I'm back in this funk? That's how it'll happen. It already has. It seems my life has become one big dirty secret. I don't know how to get over it.